[SCENE 2.]

Enter Thomas.

Tho. They are all drunke already, and such Confusion in their heads and tongues, my master kisses the next man and calls him Mistres Dorothy; Mr. Courtwell, possest with the spiritt of defiance to Cupid, is ready to beat him for being in love; my Projector dead drunk in a Chaire, and the Captaine peepeing into his mouth like a tooth drawer and powring downe sack which he feeles not, but his chapps shut againe like a spring lock till he returne with a key to open his teeth, to poure in the next health.

Enter Courtwell.

Cou. My Cloake and sword, Drawer.

Tho. Tis here, sir.

Cou. Thou art a pretty fellow; here's half a Crowne, say I am gone Thomas.

Tho. You are pretty well.

Enter Captaine and Underwit.

Un. What shalls doe with him; this Engine burnes like Etna.

Cap. Throw him into the River.

Un. Hee's able to mull the Thames well, for my owne part would Mistresse Dorothy were here to open her files.

Cou. Did you not name a woman. I will have no mention of any thing that's female.

Un. May not a man talke of Sack?

Cap. Sack is a soveraigne medicine.

Un. Oh very Soveraigne.

Cap. Is it not hic et hec sack, both for he and she. Stay, is my Countryman gone? come hither, Thomas; do you thinke I am drunke?

Tho. Truly, Captaine, I cannot tell.

Cap. You cannot tell? there's your ignorance. Drink is a vice I am as little given to as another man, for I doe abhorre it in my selfe. I do wonder how any reasonable man can be drunk; therefore every wise man take Counsell and example by me, and he may see very plainely what an odious thing it is; for you must follow your leader, and vertue, which is an Antient—

Tho. Vertue an Antient?

Cap. I, an Antient old gentlewoman that is growne very poore, and nobodie knowes where she dwells very hard to find her out, especially for a Capt.; you will find it very difficult for a Livetenent. But wee will endeavour the best wee can; you see my courses, I have travel'd to find her out, and I could never yet see her at a baudihouse.

Un. Who is to be seene at a baudihouse? to the right hand countermarch.

Tho. He talkes of vertue, sir.

Un. Vertue? she never comes there; why do you thinke she should be there, Captaine?

Cap. Why, because she is an old gentlewoman and might keepe the house.

Tho. Alas, Captaine, Mistris Vertue is poore and leane.

Cap. Nay, then she is not fit to be a baud, but tell me did you ever see her, or if so did you ever doo't with her?

Un. No, but twas none of my fault; I know not what I may do in time when she understands the wordes of Command.

Tho. He does not meane Mistris Dorothy: but, Captaine, I would faine know the reason why your baudes are so fat still.

Cap. A plaine case: they lie fallow and get hart, then they keepe themselves so in health and so soluble with stewd prunes; and then sipping of sack is a great matter to fatten 'em. But they are as good people as a man shall keepe company withall, and bring up the young gentlewomen so vertuously. I came into one of their houses tother day for a carreere, and I found the baud sick upon her death bed, very religious and much given to repentance for those poore sins she had comitted. When she had taken order for her soule, she told me the young gentlewoman I look'd for was in the next roome; and desiring her upon her blessing to give me content, she turnes herselfe to the wall and gives up the ghost very privatly, because she was loth to trouble us.

Un. By your relation theis appeare to be very good people. What if we went to visit one of these Matrons? I have a great mind—

Cap. Wy, now you speake like an understanding soldier, and one that may come to something in the end. Lett us therefore march on.

Un. March on to Venus Warres.

Cap. For you know, Thomas, that the Spider and the Bee, the Spider and the Bee, do both—something, but in troth I have forgott what tis.

Un. Tis no matter what; let us goe.

Cap. Goe? no more but goe? though I be a Captaine, if I be not chosen in this imployment—

Tho. What, then, Captaine?

Cap. Why, then—I cannot goe.

Tho. Very right; but wo' not those young gentlewomen you talk'd of give a man something to make a man afraid of pepper upon occasion?

Cap. You will be prating so long till I breake your head for pretending to that which you have not, sirra.

Tho. Alas, I never had it in my life.

Un. What's that, Captaine?

Cap. Wit, I talke of wit.

Un, Who has any wit? does my man offer to have wit?

Cap. Nay, take no offence at it, for I meant none to either of you by this sack. Drawer, give me my oath, cannot you drinke without wit? cannot you game without wit?

Un. And yet by your favour the gamesters are cald the wits now.

Cap. Tis no wit to cozen; confederacy and dishonesty will doo't without wit. Ile iustifie it: do not you know the receit of Cozenage? take an ounce of knavery at the least,—and confederacie is but so many knaves put together,—then you must take a very fine young Codling heire and pound him as small as you can.

Un. And what then, Captaine?

Cap. Why, then you must cozen him.

Un. But which way?

Cap. Which way? Why, which way you will: is not cozen him enough? thou art a pretty fellow, ile talke with thee. Thy name's Thomas; take heed, I say still, Thomas, of being drunke, for it doth drowne the mortall soule; and yours cannot swim, Thomas,—can it?

Tho. Not as I know, Captaine; if it scape fire tis as much as I looke for.

Within Eng. Oh—oh—

Cap. What's that?

Tho. Tis Mr. Engine recovered from his dead sleepe. [Exit.

Un. D'ee heare, Captaine, for all this I have a great mind to a wench, and a wench I must have if there be one above ground. Oh London, London, thou art full of frank tenements, give me London. Shall we wheele about yet?

Cap. Give you London? Wo'nott Cheapeside serve your turne, or the Exchange?

Enter Thomas.

Tho. Oh, gentlemen, Mr. Engine is surely bewitch'd.

Cap. What, what's the matter? bring the witch and Mr. Engine before us.

Tho. He does vomit the strangest things yonder.

Cap. Did not I say, murder will out?

Tho. I thinke he has eaten and drunke nothing but Monopolies, and too hard to be digested they come up againe.

Within Eng. Oh!

Tho. Harke, I must hold his head. [Exit.

Cap. Did not I tell you something would come out?

Tho. Pins, pins, they lay across his throat. I told you he was bewitch'd. Heyday! cards and dice, out with 'em, the Divells a gamester and paies the box soundly—Now, now, now.

Un. Whats that?

Tho. Tis something clammy,—now,—oh, tis sope!

Cap. Sope? give a man leave to wash his mouth.

Un. Does not the lyme burne his throat, Thomas?

Tho. Alas, poore gentleman, something now agen is ready to strangle him; out with em,—hides, hides,—it was the hornes stuck in his gullett.

Within. Oh—

Tho. Well straind; what a foule stomack he has! open your mouth, Mr. Engine.

Cap. Throw downe a pottlepot.

Tho. I have, sir, and it has come up full of medium wine; if you have any charity come and helpe me to hold his head; now agen!

Within. Oh, oh, oh!

Un. This is very strange, Captaine; the man is certainely enchanted.

Tho. Master, master, tis Shrovetuesday[267] and the prentices are pulling downe Covent Garden; the Brickes come as whole out as if he had swallowed Cherristones. Hey! will you take Tobacco in the Roll? here is a whole shiplading of Bermudas and one little twopenny paper of berrinas, with a superscription 'To my very loving friends the Custome-house.'

Cap. Put up that for a relique, Thomas, and open it upon high dayes to clear the sore eyes of our Spanish Marchants. Thomas, no more, but call the Drawer, an understanding Drawer and one that writes orthographie.

[Enter Drawer.

—Sirra, I charge you set a padlock upon that Chamber doore; there is a dangerous fellow must be brought to his purgation. And looke all the goods that he hath vomitted be forthcomeing, while we discreetly goe and enforme the Magistrates.—At your perill, sirra, at your perill seale up the Doore; and do you pay the reckoninge.

Un. Sir Richard is a Justice. There's your money, and yet wee need not pay; the gentleman hath left enough for the Reckoning in the next Roome.

Un. I ha made him fast, you are very welcome, gentlemen. All's paid in the Percullis.

[Exeunt.