(SCENE 1.)[70]

(SCENE 1.)[70]

Enter Sucket, Crackbie, Grimes.

Gr. Gentlemen, the rarest scene of mirth towards!

Suc. Where? how, good Grimes?

Gr. Oh, the steward, the steward, my fine Temperat steward, did soe lecture us before my ladie for drinking … at midnight, has gott the key of the wine C[ellar from] Timothie the Butler and is gon downe to make [himself] drunke in pryvate.

Enter Timothie.

Tim. Gent[lemen], Grimes, away, away! I watcht him into t[he Cellar] when I saw him chose forthe one of the b[ottles] of sacke, and hether is retyringe with all exp[edition]. Close, close, and be not seene.

Crac. Oh, my fine steward! [Exeunt.

Enter Alexander Lovell with a Bottle of Sacke and a Cup.

Lov. Soe here I may be private, and privacie is best. I am the Steward and to be druncke in publicke, I say and I sayt, were to give ill examples. Goe to, I, and goe to; tis good to be merry and wise; an inch in quietness is better than an ell of sorrow. Goe to and goe to agen, for I say and I sayt, there is no reason but that the parson may forget that ere he was clerke[71]. My lady has got a cast of her eye since she tooke a survey of my good parts. Goe to and goe to, for I say and I sayt, they are signes of a rising; flesh is frayle and women are but women, more then men but men. I am puft up like a bladder, sweld with the wind[72] of love; for go to and go to, I say and I sayt, this love is a greife, and greife a sorrowe, and sorrows dry. Therefore come forth, thou bottle of affection[73]; I create thee my companion, and thou, cup, shalt be my freind. Why, so now,—goe to and goe to: lets have a health to our Mrss, and first to myne; sweet companion, fill to my kind freind; by thy leave, freind, Ile begin to my companion: health to my Mrs! Soe, now my hands in: companion, fill, and heres a health to my freinds Mrs. Very good, and now I will conclude with yours, my deare companion: stay, you shall pledge me presently, tis yet in a good hand; I will pledge both your Mrss first. Goe to and go to,[74] freind; thou alwayes lookst on me like a dry rascall; give him his liquor; and soe with my Mrs I conclude. What say you, Companion? ha, do you compare your Mrs with myne? howes that? such another word and thou darst, Sirrah! off with your Capp and doe her Reverence! wilt tell me soe? goe to, I say and I sayt; Ile make better languadge come out of that mouth of thine, thou wicked Carkasse. Freind, heres to thee:[75] Ile shake thee, thou empty Rascall, to peeces, and as Hector drew Achilles bout the walls of Troy at his horse tayle, so shalt thou at a doggs tayle be dragd in vild disgrace throughout the towne. Goe to and goe to, I say and I sayt; Ile have the dragd, sirr, ah I[le] have the dragd; perswade me not, good friend; let him yeild me a reason[76] if he can. I, I, he had need to be squeezd; why tis true, this is one, but not to purpose. Oh, would you whisper with me? umh, umh, umh, away, Ile heare no more: why, how now frend? ha, ha, ha, you have got a Cup to much; umh, goe to and goe to, you can hold no more, I see that, at this time; let me ene bring you to your chambers. [Flings away the bottle and sleeps.

_Enter Timothy, Grimes, Sucket, Crackby, with flaggons of wine.

Suc_. 'Tis well don, cherish valour.

Crac. Creditt me, my Captaine carries fortitude enough for a whole legion; twas his advice tooke in[77] the Busse[?], and at Mastricht his courage did conclude Papenhams overthrow.[78]

Suc. Pish, you to farr exemply[fy]. I have bin at some few skermishes, kild halfe a score or soe; but what of yt? men are but men.

Tim. What wines that, fellow Grimes?

Grimes. Sack by this light, the Emperor of liquors! Captaine, here tis well keepe of push of pike yet peirce like shott of Cannon: a Cup of this upon an onslaught, Captain?

Suc. Is beveredge for a Generall: I doe use to drinke it when I am engagd against a squadron or a whole company.

Grimes. He meanes of drunkards.

[Lovell grunts.

Suc. Ha! Cinielaro[?] an ambuscado! see, whos that lyes there pardue[79]? fort of Mars! my wroth shall eate him up.

Grimes. Soe, soe, now softely letts to him: ha, alreadie[80] dead drunke, as I am vertuous. Assist me gent[lemen]; Timothy, hast thou thy Salvatorie about thee.

Tim. Yes, heere, here.[81]

Grimes. Quick, quick; make some plasters and clapp em on his face: here, bind this napkin about his hand; who has a garter, lets see, to bind it up?

Suc. Some blood, my sonn of Mercury, were neceseary for consummation of the jest.

Crac. And here, Grimes, ty this cloath about his head: oh, for some blood!

Grimes. Here, I have prickt my finger.

Tim. Let you and I, Mr. Crackby, goe to buffitts for a bloody nose.

Crac. No, no, you shall pardon me for that, Tim[82]; no, no; no boyes play.

Suc. So, so; now set him in the chaires. Hart of valour! he looks like a Mapp oth world. Death, what are these?[83]

Enter Musike.

Grimes. The Town Waites whome I appointed to come and visitt us.

Suc. 'Twas well donn: have you ere a good song?

Tim. Yes, they have many.

Suc. But are they bawdy? come, sir, I see by your simpring it is you that sings, but do not squeake like a French Organ-pipe nor make faces as if you were to sing a Dirge. Your fellowes may goe behind the arras: I love to see Musitions in their postures imitate those ayrey soules that grace our Cittie Theaters, though in their noats they come as short of them as Pan did of Apollo. [Musike.

Grimes. Well, sir, this is indifferent Musicke, trust my judgment. Sing, boy. [A song.

Crac. Now on my life this boy does sing as like the boy[84] at the Whitefryers as ever I heard: how say you Captain?

Suc. I, and the Musicks like theires: come, Sirra, whoes your Poett?

Crac. Some mad wag, I warrant him: is this a new song?

Mus. Tis the first edition, sir: none else but we had ever coppie of it.

Suc. But you wilbe intreated to let a gent have it?

Mus. By no meanes; the author has sworne to the contrary, least it should grow so wonderous old and turne a Ballad.

Crac. Well said, Captain; the tother health, Captain: heres good wine, good Tobackoe, good everything: had we but a good wench or two twere excellent.

Suc. Great Alexander, does not dreame of this, I warrant yee.

Grimes. Oh, hees fast enough; heele be ready to cast up his accounts the easier when my lady calls him.

Crac. Come, come; who payes the Musicke? Captain, you have my purse.

Suc. Truths a truth from Infidell or Pagan: I am in trust, and that's beleife, and so it shalbe saved. Pay the Musick? umh, where are they? let me see, how many's of you, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6: good, can any of you daunce?

Mus. Daunce? Yes, sir, we can shake our legs or soe.

Suc. So said so don, brave ladd; come, letts have a daunce, some daunce and some play.

Mus. Anything to please you, noble Captaine.

Suc. Lively then, my hearts; some country Jigg or soe. Oh those playes that I have seene of youre, with their Jiggs[85] ith tayles of them[86] like your French forces! Death, I am a rorging (roaring?) boy; but, come, stir your shanks nimbly or Ile hough ye. Strike up there!

[Daunce.

Grimes. Well don, my hearts; drinke, drinke.

Suc. Goe you in, Ile follow you.

Om[nes]. Come, Captaine.

Suc. Farewell, Steward.

Mus. Dee heare, Captaine?

Suc. With me, my fine treble knave? umh, thou dost tickle minikin as nimbly—

Mus. We hope your worship will consider our paines?

Suc. How, my fine knave? letts see, who were the dauncers?

Mus. Come forward there! nay, I told you he was ever bountifull: oh, good Captaine!

Suc. Let me see: I, thou art hart of vallor: thou didst daunce well, thou deservest—, I say no more: and who played?

Mus. Wee.

Suc. You? well sayd; you plaid and you daunc'd, you say good; let me see, halfe a peece or—

Mus. Blesse your Captaineship.

Suc. You plaid, you say, and you dauncd: umh, well, why then you that dauncd must pay those that plaid.

Mus. How, sir, how?

Suc. Ever, ever, whilst you live, Jarvice;[87] the dauncers alwayes payes the musike. Wilt breake custome? No, or there a pawne for you. —Mr. Steward. Farewell. [Exit.

Mus. This is your bountifull Captaine! a rope of his bounsing! But stay, lets play to the steward; it may be when he wakes we may worke him to't.

Omnes. Content, content. [Musike softe.

Lov. Umh[88], play a healthe: soe; say, it shall goe rounde: goe to, I say and I sayt, it shall goe round. Umh, where is this fidle? in the ayre? I can perceave nothing. Where is my kinde friend and my fine companion? come, we will be friends again; goe to, we will. Umh, plaistered and bound up? bloody? how comes this? goe too and goe to; if I have done any mischiefe or bene over valiant in my drinke to kill a man or soe, why 'twas in my drinke, not I, and let my drinke be hangd for't; or, I say and I sayt, let um stay till I am drunke againe and then hange me; I care not, I shall not be sensible of it. Oh this sack! it makes a coward a Hector: the Greekes and Troians drinke no other; and that and a wench (for theres the divell out) made um cuffe ten yeares together, till at length when they had bled more than they coulde drinke they grew sober, the contented Cuckold tooke his wife home againe and all were good frends[89]. [Sease Musicke] But stay, the musikes husht; I hope theyle appeare; I doe feale no such paine in my wounds that I had need of musicke to bring me to sleepe. Blesse me whose this? ha[90]!

Enter Grimes disguised.

Grimes. How does your worshipp? Mr. Steward, dee feele your selfe at ease? I am hartely sorry for your misfortune?

Lov. Misfortune? ha, what misfortune? now heaven and't be thy will—

Grimes. Pray heaven they be alive.

Lov. Ha, alive? in the name of drinke what have I don? where did you find me, ha?

Grimes. Why, sir, comming out—umh, umh—

Lov. Out with't, man.

Grimes. Out of a bad-house, sir.

Lov. A Bawdie house, I warrant.

Grimes. Yes sir.

Lov. Why, now its out.

Grimes. I, and tis well your worships out.

Lov. Noe, noe, it had bin better had I never gon in; but on, on.

Grimes. You were, sir,—as they say, sir—you had gotten a Cup to much.

Lov. Hang Cupps, my friend excepted; goe to; speake plaine; I was drunke was I?

Grimes. Yes, sir; you were not able to stand when you came out, sir?

Lov. Out of the Bawdy-house? I beleave thee; nay, I am a right Lovell I, I look like a shotten herring now for't. Jone's as good as my lady in the darke wee me. I have no more Roe than a goose in me; but on to the mischiefe, on.

Grimes. You beate the Bawd downe with the Chamber dore and bade her keepe that for the Reckoning.

Lov. Umh, there was witt in my drinke, I perceive; on.

Grimes. Then, sir, you tooke up a Spitt.

Lov. A Spitt?

Grimes. Yes, sir, and broacht one of the wenches out.

Lov. How?

Grimes. Oh, sir, you made such a hole in her bakside[91] you might have turnd— [Blows his nose.

Lov. What? thy nose int?

Grimes. Had I been there it had been at your service.

Lov. Thanke thee; thou shouldst have lost nothing by it.

Grimes. Then went Tobackoe pipes to wrack, and oh the black potts sufferd without measure; nay, you swore (and for it paid your twelve pence) that if you were maior youd come disguisd on purpose to confou[nd] 'um.

Lov. Ist possible I could doe this?

Grimes. This, sir? Why you kickd one flat-nosd wench that snuffled, and swore she was a puritan.

Lov. Did not I pay for that oath too?

Grimes. No, sir; you bid the Constable keepe reckoning till it came to a some and you would pay him in totall. So, sir, with the spit in your hand away you runn, and we after yee, where you met with a roaring Captain.

Lov. Ha, now, now comes the misfortune.

Grimes. Then you stopt and stood a while waving to and froe, as in suspense; at length you fell, with a forward thrust, quite through his heart.

Lov. Ha, through his heart? the Captaines dead then?

Grimes. No sir, twas through a silver heart he weares in memory of his Mrs.

Lov. Ime glad of that: thou strukst me through the heart with thy newes.

Grimes. You being downe, on fell the Captain like a tyrannicall Dutch man of war that shewes no mercy to the yeelding enemy, and ere we could bring succor gave you these wounds, which being dark we brought you home as privately as possible, sett you to sleepe and here stayd till your waking.

Lov. Yare honest fellowes; goe to and go to, I say and I sait agen, yare honest fellowes and shall not be unrewarded: looke you, theres for you—and be but sylent in't.

Grimes. As is my instrument, Sir. Coods me! what, have they torne away the back of your satteen Doublet? the Canvas is seene.

Lov. Umh, no, but they have stolne my velvet Jerkin.

Grimes. I, and dam'd your Dublet.

Lov. Tis well; goe; thanks; goe, Ile see you shortly; you and your Companie shall play at my ladyes wedding. I say no more, goe to; I love you and I thanke you,

Grimes. I thanke you, good Mr. Steward. [Discovers

Lov. Whoes this? Grimes?

Grimes. Even he that has thus begrimd yee, my fine drunken Steward. I can cure you, toe; come, let me be your Surgion.

Lov. Thou shalt be my hangman first, Rascall.

Grimes. You wonnot murder? helpe Captain, Mr. Crackby, Tim!

Enter Omnes.

Omnes. How now! how now! what's the matter?

Lov. Whoop! hell broke loose! tis good to shun the Divell. [Exit.

Grimes. Not if you meet him in the likenes of a bottle of Sack, good Steward.[92]

Tim. Why this is excellent.

Suc. Grimes, let me hugg thee, thou sonn of witt.

Grimes. Nay, letts not leave him thus.

Crac. Leade on, weele follow.

[Exeunt Omnes.

Finis Actus Secundi.

Actus Tertius.