Enter Maria and Clown. Mar. Nay, I prithee, put on this gown and this beard; make him believe thou art Sir Topas the curate: do it quickly; I'll call Sir Toby the whilst. [Exit. Clo. Well, I'll put it on, and I will dissemble myself 5 in 't; and I would I were the first that ever dissembled in such a gown. I am not tall enough to become the function well, nor lean enough to be thought a good student; but to be said an honest man and a good housekeeper goes as fairly as to say a careful man and a great scholar. The 10 competitors enter. Enter Sir Toby and Maria. Sir To. Jove bless thee, master Parson. Clo. Bonos dies, Sir Toby: for, as the old hermit of Prague, that never saw pen and ink, very wittily said to a niece of King Gorboduc, 'That that is is;' so I, being master 15 Parson, am master Parson; for, what is 'that' but 'that,' and 'is' but 'is'? Sir To. To him, Sir Topas. Clo. What, ho, I say! peace in this prison! Sir To. The knave counterfeits well; a good knave. 20 Mal. [within] Who calls there? Clo. Sir Topas the curate, who comes to visit Malvolio the lunatic. Mal. Sir Topas, Sir Topas, good Sir Topas, go to my lady. 25 Clo. Out, hyperbolical fiend! how vexest thou this man! talkest thou nothing but of ladies? Sir To. Well said, master Parson. Mal. Sir Topas, never was man thus wronged: good Sir Topas, do not think I am mad: they have laid me here 30 in hideous darkness. Clo. Fie, thou dishonest Satan! I call thee by the most modest terms; for I am one of those gentle ones that will use the devil himself with courtesy: sayest thou that house is dark? 35 Mal. As hell, Sir Topas. Clo. Why, it hath bay windows transparent as barricadoes, and the clearstores toward the south north are as lustrous as ebony; and yet complainest thou of obstruction? Mal. I am not mad, Sir Topas: I say to you, this 40 house is dark. Clo. Madman, thou errest: I say, there is no darkness but ignorance; in which thou art more puzzled than the Egyptians in their fog. Mal. I say, this house is as dark as ignorance, though 45 ignorance were as dark as hell; and I say, there was never man thus abused. I am no more mad than you are: make the trial of it in any constant question. Clo. What is the opinion of Pythagoras concerning wild fowl? 50 Mal. That the soul of our grandam might haply inhabit a bird. Clo. What thinkest thou of his opinion? Mal. I think nobly of the soul, and no way approve his opinion. 55 Clo. Fare thee well. Remain thou still in darkness: thou shalt hold the opinion of Pythagoras ere I will allow of thy wits; and fear to kill a woodcock, lest thou dispossess the soul of thy grandam. Fare thee well. Mal. Sir Topas, Sir Topas! 60 Sir To. My most exquisite Sir Topas! Clo. Nay, I am for all waters. Mar. Thou mightst have done this without thy beard and gown: he sees thee not. Sir To. To him in thine own voice, and bring me word 65 how thou findest him: I would we were well rid of this knavery. If he may be conveniently delivered, I would he were; for I am now so far in offence with my niece, that I cannot pursue with any safety this sport to the upshot. Come by and by to my chamber. [Exeunt Sir Toby and Maria. 70 Clo. [Singing] Hey, Robin, jolly Robin, Tell me how thy lady does. Mal. Fool,—— Clo. My lady is unkind, perdy. Mal. Fool,—— 75 Clo. Alas, why is she so? Mal. Fool, I say,—— Clo. She loves another—Who calls, ha? Mal. Good fool, as ever thou wilt deserve well at my hand, help me to a candle, and pen, ink and paper: as I 80 am a gentleman, I will live to be thankful to thee for't. Clo. Master Malvolio? Mal. Ay, good fool. Clo. Alas, sir, how fell you besides your five wits? Mal. Fool, there was never man so notoriously abused: 85 I am as well in my wits, fool, as thou art. Clo. But as well? then you are mad indeed, if you be no better in your wits than a fool. Mal. They have here propertied me; keep me in darkness, send ministers to me, asses, and do all they can to 90 face me out of my wits. Clo. Advise you what you say; the minister is here. Malvolio, Malvolio, thy wits the heavens restore! endeavour thyself to sleep, and leave thy vain bibble babble. Mal. Sir Topas,—— 95 Clo. Maintain no words with him, good fellow. Who, I, sir? not I, sir. God be wi' you, good Sir Topas. Marry, amen. I will, sir, I will. Mal. Fool, fool, fool, I say,—— Clo. Alas, sir, be patient. What say you, sir? I am 100 shent for speaking to you. Mal. Good fool, help me to some light and some paper: I tell thee, I am as well in my wits as any man in Illyria. Clo. Well-a-day that you were, sir! 105 Mal. By this hand, I am. Good fool, some ink, paper and light; and convey what I will set down to my lady: it shall advantage thee more than ever the bearing of letter did. Clo. I will help you to't. But tell me true, are you 110 not mad indeed? or do you but counterfeit? Mal. Believe me, I am not; I tell thee true. Clo. Nay, I'll ne'er believe a madman till I see his brains. I will fetch you light and paper and ink. Mal. Fool, I'll requite it in the highest degree: I 115 prithee, be gone. Clo. [Singing] I am gone, sir, And anon, sir, I'll be with you again, In a trice, 120 Like to the old vice, Your need to sustain; Who, with dagger of lath, In his rage and his wrath, Cries, ah, ha! to the devil: 125 Like a mad lad, Pare thy nails, dad; Adieu, goodman Drivel. [Exit.

LINENOTES:

Scene ii.] Scene iii. Pope.

Olivia's house.] Rowe.

[3] [Exit.] Exit M. Theobald.

[6] tall] fat Reed (1803) (Farmer conj.). pale Tyrwhitt conj. of taille Becket conj.

[7] student] studient F1.

[9] careful] graceful Hanmer (Warburton).

[10] Enter Sir T. and M.] Theobald. Enter Toby. Ff.

[11] Jove] God Edd. conj.

[11, 14,

15, 27] master] M. Ff and passim.

[13] Prague] Rowe. Prage F1 F2 F3. Prauge F4.

[14] Gorboduc] Gorboduck Pope. Gorbodacke F1 F2 F4. Gorbodack F3.

[18] [rapping at an inner door. Capell.

[20] Mal. [within] Malvolio within (as a stage direction) Mal. Ff.

[26] nothing but of] of nothing but Anon. conj.

[33] that] this Rann. the or that the Anon. conj.

[37] clearstores] cleere stores F1. cleare stones F2. clear stones F3 F4. clear stories Boswell (Blakeway conj.).

[49] wild fowl] the soul Theobald conj.

[50] haply] Capell. happily Ff.

[58] soul] soule F1. house F2 F3 F4.

[61] waters] wanters or ventures Anon. conj.

[65] well] F1. all F2 F3 F4. all well Collier MS.

[68] to the upshot] Rowe. the upshot Ff.

[69] chamber] champer F2.

[Exeunt....] Exit with Maria. Theobald. Exit Ff.

[70] Scene iv. Pope.

[Singing] Rowe.

[70, 71] Hey ... does.] Hey, jolly Robin, tell to me, How does thy lady do? Farmer conj.

[71] thy] my Rowe (ed. 2).

[83] besides] beside Capell conj.

[86] you are] thou art Rowe (ed. 2).

[88] have here] have Pope.

[96] be wi' you] buy you Ff. b' w' you Pope.

[97] sir, I will] F1. sir, I will sir F2 F3 F4.

[109, 110] are you not] are you Johnson conj.

[110] or] and Malone conj.

[116-127] Arranged as in Capell. As eight lines in Ff.

[116] [Singing] Rowe. on. Ff.

[119, 120] In a trice, Like to the] With a trice, Like the Collier MS. With a trice, Like to the Collier (ed. 2).

[126] dad;] dad, Ff. dad? Farmer conj.

[127] goodman Drivel] Rowe (ed. 2). good man diuell F1. good man Direll F2. good man Devil F3 F4. goodman Mean-evil Johnson conj. good Mean-evil Mason conj. goodman Civil, or good man, be civil Anon. conj.