Act 1 — SCENE.—In the Street.

(MR. H. walking, BELVIL meeting him.)

BELVIL My old Jamaica school-fellow, that I have not seen for so many years? it must, it can be no other than Jack (going up to him). My dear Ho——

MR. H. (Stopping his mouth.) Ho——! the devil, hush.

BELVIL Why sure it is—

MR. H. It is, it is your old friend Jack, that shall be nameless.

BELVIL My dear Ho——

MR. H. (Stopping him.) Don't name it.

BELVIL Name what?

MR. H. My curst, unfortunate name. I have reasons to conceal it for a time.

BELVIL I understand you—Creditors, Jack?

MR. H. No, I assure you.

BELVIL Snapp'd up a ward, peradventure, and the whole Chancery at your heels?

MR. H. I don't use to travel with such cumbersome luggage.

BELVIL You ha'n't taken a purse?

MR. H. To relieve you at once from all disgraceful conjectures, you must know, 'tis nothing but the sound of my name.

BELVIL Ridiculous! 'tis true your's is none of the most romantic, but what can that signify in a man?

MR. H. You must understand that I am in some credit with the ladies.

BELVIL With the ladies!

MR. H. And truly I think not without some pretensions. My fortune—

BELVIL Sufficiently splendid, if I may judge from your appearance.

MR. H. My figure—

BELVIL Airy, gay, and imposing.

MR. H. My parts—

BELVIL Bright.

MR. H. My conversation—

BELVIL Equally remote from flippancy and taciturnity.

MR. H. But then my name—damn my name.

BELVIL Childish!

MR. H. Not so. Oh, Belvil, you are blest with one which sighing virgins may repeat without a blush, and for it change the paternal. But what virgin of any delicacy (and I require some in a wife) would endure to be called Mrs.——?

BELVIL Ha! ha! ha! most absurd. Did not Clementina Falconbridge, the romantic Clementina Falconbridge, fancy Tommy Potts? and Rosabella Sweetlips sacrifice her mellifluous appellative to Jack Deady? Matilda her cousin married a Gubbins, and her sister Amelia a Clutterbuck.

MR. H. Potts is tolerable, Deady is sufferable, Gubbins is bearable, and Clutterbuck is endurable, but Ho—

BELVIL Hush, Jack, don't betray yourself. But you are really ashamed of the family name?

MR. H. Aye, and of my father that begot me, and my father's father, and all their forefathers that have borne it since the conquest.

BELVIL But how do you know the women are so squeamish?

MR. H. I have tried them. I tell you there is neither maiden of sixteen nor widow of sixty but would turn up their noses at it. I have been refused by nineteen virgins, twenty-nine relicts, and two old maids.

BELVIL That was hard indeed, Jack.

MR. H. Parsons have stuck at publishing the banns, because they averred it was a heathenish name; parents have lingered their consent, because they suspected it was a fictitious name; and rivals have declined my challenges, because they pretended it was an ungentlemanly name.

BELVIL Ha, ha, ha, but what course do you mean to pursue?

MR. H. To engage the affections of some generous girl, who will be content to take me as Mr. H.

BELVIL Mr. H.?

MR. H. Yes, that is the name I go by here; you know one likes to be as near the truth as possible.

BELVIL Certainly. But what then? to get her to consent—

MR. H. To accompany me to the altar without a name—in short to suspend her curiosity (that is all) till the moment the priest shall pronounce the irrevocable charm, which makes two names one.

BELVIL And that name—and then she must be pleased, ha, Jack?

MR. H. Exactly such a girl it has been my fortune to meet with, heark'e (whispers)—(musing) yet hang it, 'tis cruel to betray her confidence.

BELVIL But the family name, Jack?

MR. H. As you say, the family name must be perpetuated.

BELVIL Though it be but a homely one.

MR. H. True, but come, I will shew you the house where dwells this credulous melting fair.

BELVIL Ha, ha, my old friend dwindled down to one letter. [Exeunt.]