ACT II

SCENE.—A handsome Apartment well lighted, Tea, Cards, &c.—A large party of Ladies and Gentlemen, among them MELESINDA.

FIRST LADY I wonder when the charming man will be here.

SECOND LADY He is a delightful creature! Such a polish——

THIRD LADY Such an air in all that he does or says——

FOURTH LADY Yet gifted with a strong understanding——

FIFTH LADY But has your ladyship the remotest idea of what his true name is?

FIRST LADY They say, his very servants do not know it. His French valet, that has lived with him these two years——

SECOND LADY There, Madam, I must beg leave to set you right: my coachman——

FIRST LADY I have it from the very best authority: my footman——

SECOND LADY Then, Madam, you have set your servants on——

FIRST LADY No, Madam, I would scorn any such little mean ways of conning at a secret. For my part, I don't think any secret of that consequence.

SECOND LADY That's just like me; I make a rule of troubling my head with nobody's business but my own.

MELESINDA But then, she takes care to make everybody's business her own, and so to justify herself that way——(aside).

FIRST LADY My dear Melesinda, you look thoughtful.

MELESINDA Nothing. SECOND LADY Give it a name.

MELESINDA Perhaps it is nameless.

FIRST LADY As the object——Come, never blush, nor deny it, child. Bless me, what great ugly thing is that, that dangles at your bosom?

MELESINDA This? it is a cross: how do you like it?

SECOND LADY A cross! Well, to me it looks for all the world like a great staring H.

(Here a general laugh.)

MELESINDA Malicious creatures! Believe me it is a cross, and nothing but a cross.

FIRST LADY A cross, I believe, you would willingly hang at.

MELESINDA Intolerable spite!

(MR. H. is announced.)

(Enter MR. H.)

FIRST LADY O, Mr. H. we are so glad——

SECOND LADY We have been so dull——

THIRD LADY So perfectly lifeless——You owe it to us, to be more than commonly entertaining.

MR. H. Ladies, this is so obliging——

FOURTH LADY O, Mr. H. those ranunculas you said were dying, pretty things, they have got up——

FIFTH LADY I have worked that sprig you commended—I want you to come——

MR. H. Ladies——

SIXTH LADY I have sent for that piece of music from London.

MR. H. The Mozart—(seeing Melesinda.)—Melesinda!

SEVERAL LADIES AT ONCE Nay positively, Melesinda, you shan't engross him all to yourself.

(While the Ladies are pressing about MR. H. the Gentlemen shew signs of displeasure.)

FIRST GENTLEMAN We shan't be able to edge in a word, now this coxcomb is come.

SECOND GENTLEMAN Damn him, I will affront him.

FIRST GENTLEMAN Sir, with your leave, I have a word to say to one of these ladies.

SECOND GENTLEMAN If we could be heard——

(The ladies pay no attention but to MR. H.)

MR. H. You see, gentlemen, how the matter stands. (Hums an air.) I am not my own master: positively I exist and breathe but to be agreeable to these——Did you speak?

FIRST GENTLEMAN And affects absence of mind, Puppy!

MR. H. Who spoke of absence of mind, did you, Madam? How do you do, Lady Wearwell—how do? I did not see your ladyship before—what was I about to say—O—absence of mind. I am the most unhappy dog in that way, sometimes spurt out the strangest things—the most mal-a-propos—without meaning to give the least offence, upon my honour—sheer absence of mind—things I would have given the world not to have said.

FIRST GENTLEMAN Do you hear the coxcomb?

FIRST LADY Great wits, they say——

SECOND LADY Your fine geniuses are most given——

THIRD LADY Men of bright parts are commonly too vivacious——

MR. H. But you shall hear. I was to dine the other day at a great nabob's, that must be nameless, who, between ourselves, is strongly suspected of—being very rich, that's all. John, my valet, who knows my foible, cautioned me, while he was dressing me, as he usually does where he thinks there's a danger of my committing a lapsus, to take care in my conversation how I made any allusion direct or indirect to presents —you understand me? I set out double charged with my fellow's consideration and my own, and, to do myself justice, behaved with tolerable circumspection for the first half hour or so—till at last a gentleman in company, who was indulging a free vein of raillery at the expense of the ladies, stumbled upon that expression of the poet, which calls them "fair defects."

FIRST LADY It is Pope, I believe, who says it.

MR. H. No, Madam; Milton. Where was I? O, "fair defects." This gave occasion to a critic in company, to deliver his opinion on the phrase—that led to an enumeration of all the various words which might have been used instead of "defect," as want, absence, poverty, deficiency, lack. This moment I, who had not been attending to the progress of the argument (as the denouement will shew) starting suddenly up out of one of my reveries, by some unfortunate connexion of ideas, which the last fatal word had excited, the devil put it into my head to turn round to the Nabob, who was sitting next me, and in a very marked manner (as it seemed to the company) to put the question to him, Pray, Sir, what may be the exact value of a lack of rupees? You may guess the confusion which followed.

FIRST LADY What a distressing circumstance!

SECOND LADY To a delicate mind—

THIRD LADY How embarrassing—

FOURTH LADY I declare I quite pity you.

FIRST GENTLEMAN Puppy!

MR. H. A Baronet at the table, seeing my dilemma, jogged my elbow; and a good-natured Duchess, who does every thing with a grace peculiar to herself, trod on my toes at that instant: this brought me to myself, and—covered with blushes, and pitied by all the ladies—I withdrew.

FIRST LADY How charmingly he tells a story.

SECOND LADY But how distressing!

MR. H. Lord Squandercounsel, who is my particular friend, was pleased to rally me in his inimitable way upon it next day. I shall never forget a sensible thing he said on the occasion—speaking of absence of mind, my foible—says he, my dear Hogs—

SEVERAL LADIES Hogs——what—ha—

MR. H. My dear Hogsflesh—my name—(here an universal scream)—O my cursed unfortunate tongue!—H, I mean—Where was I?

FIRST LADY Filthy—abominable!

SECOND LADY Unutterable!

THIRD LADY Hogs——foh!

FOURTH LADY Disgusting!

FIFTH LADY Vile!

SIXTH LADY Shocking!

FIRST LADY Odious!

SECOND LADY Hogs——pah!

THIRD LADY A smelling bottle—look to Miss Melesinda. Poor thing! it is no wonder. You had better keep off from her, Mr. Hogsflesh, and not be pressing about her in her circumstances.

FIRST GENTLEMAN Good time of day to you, Mr. Hogsflesh.

SECOND GENTLEMAN The compliments of the season to you, Mr. Hogsflesh.

MR. H. This is too much—flesh and blood cannot endure it.

FIRST GENTLEMAN What flesh?—hog's-flesh?

SECOND GENTLEMAN How he sets up his bristles!

MR. H. Bristles!

FIRST GENTLEMAN He looks as fierce as a hog in armour.

MR. H. A hog!——Madam!——(here he severally accosts the ladies, who by turns repel him).

FIRST LADY Extremely obliged to you for your attentions; but don't want a partner.

SECOND LADY Greatly flattered by your preference; but believe I shall remain single.

THIRD LADY Shall always acknowledge your politeness; but have no thoughts of altering my condition.

FOURTH LADY Always be happy to respect you as a friend; but you must not look for any thing further.

FIFTH LADY No doubt of your ability to make any woman happy; but have no thoughts of changing my name.

SIXTH LADY Must tell you, Sir, that if by your insinuations, you think to prevail with me, you have got the wrong sow by the ear. Does he think any lady would go to pig with him?

OLD LADY Must beg you to be less particular in your addresses to me. Does he take me for a Jew, to long after forbidden meats?

MR. H. I shall go mad!—to be refused by old Mother Damnable—she that's so old, nobody knows whether she was ever married or no, but passes for a maid by courtesy; her juvenile exploits being beyond the farthest stretch of tradition!—old Mother Damnable!

[Exeunt all, either pitying or seeming to avoid him.]