GRAVE, GAY, AND EPIGRAMMATIC.
Reading edition
COMPENSATION.
"Too late!" he shrieked—with bulging eyes He watched the train pull out— And, overcome, gave vent to rage In one tremendous shout. "We'd caught the thing in plenty time!" He turned around and said: "But for the hour you took to put That hat upon your head!" "I know it!" happily smiled his wife; "But did you notice, sweet, How everybody rubbered 'round When we came down the street?" New York World.
EASTER GOSSIP.
Dey's done had chicken at her house, It's easy tellin' dat By de contentment in her face An' de feathers in her hat. Washington Star.
FAR FROM MARKET.
Soon after the Civil War, General Ingalls, U.S.A., visited a friend in the South. Taking a walk one morning he met a boy coming up from the river with a fine string of fish.
"What will you take for your fish?" asked the general.
"Thirty cents," was the reply.
"Thirty cents!" repeated the general in astonishment. "Why, if you were in New York you could get three dollars for them."
The boy looked critically at the officer for a moment and then said, scornfully:
"Yes, suh; en' I reckon if I had a bucket of water in hell I could get a million dollars for it."—Saturday Evening Post.
MOZART'S MILITARY MARCH.
Cardinal Gibbons was facetious when the Irish ladies' choir of Dublin called on him. Turning suddenly, he asked:
"Which one of you is the oldest?"
None claimed the honor and all blushed. The talk drifted around to Gilmore and his band, and Cardinal Gibbons told of how Gilmore, at Coney Island, hearing that the cardinal was in the audience, played "Maryland, My Maryland," and how it pleased him.
"Gilmore," said the cardinal, "was famous for his playing of Mozart's 'Twelfth Mass.' Once he played it in a North Carolina town and next day the local paper announced that he rendered with great effect Mozart's 'Twelfth Massachusetts.'"
Pittsburgh Dispatch.
THE BOSS.
Who is it, when the people rise And make the welkin ring with cries For freedom, sits with upturned eyes? The Boss. Who is it makes a little slate And nominates the candidate— But lets the people pay the freight? The Boss. Who is it, after all the noise Against the methods he employs Is meekly followed by the boys? The Boss. Who, when he gets alone where we That boast about the liberty We have can neither hear nor see Says: "Oh, what fools these mortals be!" The Boss. Chicago Times-Herald.
CHANGES.
One hundred years ago to-day, With wildernesses here, With powder in his gun, the man Went out and got the deer. But now the thing is somewhat changed, And on another plan; With powder on her cheeks the dear Goes out and gets the man. Indianapolis Sun.
THE SULTAN'S THREAT.
The Sultan of Sulu is the man who is not afraid. He imported an eighteen-thousand-dollar uniform from Paris for the occasion of the Taft reception not long ago and when the costume came he refused to pay duty on it. The custom authorities made a fuss and threatened to keep the uniform.
"Very well," said Mr. Sultan, "keep your old uniform, but understand that I shall wear that at the reception or nothing." The horrified officers perceived that he meant what he said and the suit was handed over in silence.—Minneapolis Tribune.
A FRAGMENT.
Only a woman's hair, Long, delicate, and slender; Light as the spider's silken lair, Soft as a moonbeam tender. One that some hapless swain Might carry as a token Of her he loves, yet loves in vain, With constancy unbroken. For such as this, I ween, Knights dead and gone have battled; When lance met lance in tourney keen, And sword on buckler rattled. And yet it makes me swear At our confounded slavy; For I'll be hanged if I can bear Such relics in the gravy!
Pick-Me-Up.
REED'S WAY OUT OF IT.
A story is told of Thomas B. Reed by neighbors who knew him in his childhood to the effect that once, when sent to the grocery store with a jug for vinegar, he forgot what he was told to get, and, when asked by the grocer what he wanted, replied.
"Smell of the jug, and give me a quart."
Boston Herald.
CAUSE FOR ALARM.
The late Dr. Boardman of Philadelphia used to relate this on himself: "I preached a funeral sermon at one time, and spoke on the resurrection. I am sure I spoke longer than was my custom.
"The undertaker was a man of nervous temperament, and as the afternoon was going he began to be anxious to be on the way to the cemetery. He finally whispered to one of my members: 'Does your minister always preach as long as that at a funeral?'
"'Well,' said the brother, 'that is a good sermon.'
"'Yes,' said the undertaker, 'the sermon is all right, and I believe in the resurrection, but I am afraid if he does not stop pretty soon I will not get this man buried in time.'"—Philadelphia Ledger.
A CORRECTION.
'Twas not for want of breath he died, But rather that he misapplied The ample breath he had, I wot. Before he went to bed that night He witlessly blew out the light. The gas escaped; the man did not. New York World.
WHEN THE BIG STICK WOULDN'T DO.
The following anecdote of President Roosevelt's youth is being told in England:
When Roosevelt was a student at Harvard he was required to recite a poem in public declamation. He got as far as a line which read:
"When Greece her knees in suppliance bent,"
when he stuck there.
Again he repeated,
"When Greece her knees ...," but could get no farther.
The teacher waited patiently, finally remarking:
"Grease her knees again, Roosevelt, then perhaps she'll go."
Woman's Home Companion.
DESERVED TO LIVE.
In a rural justice court in Georgia recently an old negro, whose testimony had been questioned, said in his own defense:
"Jedge, I'm a good man. I been a-livin' roun' heah ten years. I ain't never been lynched; en de only horse I ever stoled throwed me en broke my two legs!"—Chicago Daily News.
SENATORIAL COURTESY.
"I suppose you will bow to the will of the people," said the friend.
"Of course I will," answered Senator Sorghum; "I'll bow and take off my hat all they want me to. As long as there's no chance of their having their own way it's as little as I can do to be polite."—Washington Evening Star.