Part 2 — CHAPTER VIII. Additional Rules in respect to the Social Relations.

I include under this name, everything relating to friendly attentions, such as services, loans, presents, advice, and also things in relation to discretion, such as respect in conversation, letters, secrets, confidential communications, &c.

SECTION I. Of an Obliging Deportment.

Polite persons are necessarily obliging. A smile is always on their lips, an earnestness in their countenance, when we ask a favor of them. They know that to render a service with a bad grace, is in reality not to render it. If they are obliged to refuse a favor, they do this with mildness and delicacy; they express such feeling regret, that they still inspire us with gratitude; in short, their conduct appears so perfectly natural, that it really seems that the opportunity which is offered them of obliging us, is obliging themselves; they refuse all our thanks, without affectation or effort.

This amiable character, a necessary attendant of perfect good breeding, is not always found with all its charms, in the world. There are besides, some obliging persons, who force us to extort their services, who feel of great consequence, who like to be supplicated and thanked to excess. Do not imitate them: they make us ungrateful in spite of ourselves, they make gratitude a pain and a burden. When one asks of you any favor, reply kindly, “I am at your service, and shall be very happy to render you any assistance in my power;” or else, with a sad manner, lament that there is such an obstacle, &c. Then examine the means of overcoming the obstacle, even if you should be assured beforehand that none exists.

Other persons, pretending to be polite, make protestations of their services and zeal, without taking the trouble to abide by their offers when an occasion is afforded them: so great is their trifling in this respect that they can be justly compared to those false heroes who are always talking of fighting, and who would be put to flight at the sight of a drawn sword. These indications of zeal are suspicious, when they are employed every moment and without any reason; a knowledge of the world teaches us to discern them, and to give them that degree of confidence which they merit. Sometimes we can congratulate persons, wish them well, and have the appearance of taking an interest in the recital which they are making of their affairs, without really feeling the least interest for them. We cannot always command our indifference in this respect, but we are obliged to spare them that constraint and ennui, which would infallibly be shown if we should manifest to them the coldness which they inspire. It belongs to those persons who know the world, not to confound this politeness, with the pretended zeal of the Don Quixottes of the drawing-room, of whom we have spoken above.

In order that a service may be completed, it is necessary that it should be done quickly, nothing being more disobliging than tardiness, and the alternative, which you place a person in, either of addressing to you new solicitations, or of suffering by your delay. Your tardy assistance may perhaps be prejudicial, for one would suffer a long time before resolving to importune you anew.

Make use then of despatch. If any circumstances prevent you from acting, inform the person, apologise, and promise to make reparation for your neglect. On his part, the person who is under the obligation to you, should be careful of using a single term of reproach and of accosting you with an air of dissatisfaction.

When any one who is visiting you has need of a shawl, a handkerchief, a hat, offer it with a complaisant zeal, resist the refusal which is made (and which propriety does not require) select the best you have, in short, urge the persons not to be in haste to return the articles. If it is very bad weather, and the occasion a proper one, offer an umbrella or your carriage. These things are returned the next day by a domestic, who is charged to thank the person for them. If the articles are linen, they should not be returned before they are washed.

When a lady has borrowed ornaments of another, as for instance, jewels, the latter should always offer to lend her more than are asked for: she ought also to keep a profound silence about the things which she has lent, and even abstain from wearing them for some time afterwards, in order that they may not be recognised. If any one, perceiving they were borrowed, should speak to the person of it, he would pass for an ill-bred man. If the borrower speaks to you of it, it is well to reply that nobody had recognised them. All this advice is minute, but what kind will you have? it concerns female self-esteem.

One species of borrowing which is of daily occurrence, and happens very often to the loss of the owners, is the borrowing of books. Persons are so wanting in delicacy on this subject, that those who have a passion for books, and who are very obliging in other respects, are forced to refuse making these troublesome loans. The case, however, is a very perplexing one; we cannot say, I am not willing to lend you this work; but if the borrower is a suspicious person, we can say we have occasion to use it, that we regret it very much, but that we will lend it to him in a few days. However, we do not lend it at all.

Well-bred persons do not make a bare request for a book; they wait until it is offered, and then they accept the offer hesitatingly; they find out the length of time they can keep it, and return it punctually at the appointed day. In order to prevent every accident, they cover it with cloth or paper, since the favor should render them more careful than the value of the book; they also take care not to turn down the leaves, or make marks, marginal notes, &c.

If any accident happens to a borrowed article, we must repair the loss immediately. I shall not speak of more important loans, which are out of the range of politeness.

SECTION II. Of Presents.

In the eyes of persons of delicacy, presents are not of worth, except from the manner in which they are bestowed; in our advice, then, let us strive to give them this value.

Presents are offered first to relations and to friends; and they occur under different circumstances; on our arrival at a place from which we have been absent for a long time; when our intimate friends leave the town in which we reside; on our return from a journey, particularly to the capital; in remarkable and remote countries; on birth days, or days of baptism, or new year’s day.

But this day is not the only occasion of exchanging presents in a family, it is also an occasion for recollecting services and civilities; of making our respects to ladies, to superiors whom we wish to honor. It moreover offers us a delicate means of succoring the unfortunate.

Secondly, at harvest time, if one owns land, in the hunting season, if one is a hunter, it is in good ton to send to our intimate friends, fine fruits, rare flowers, or some choice articles of game.

The most delicate presents are the productions of our own industry; a drawing, a piece of needle work, ornamental hair-work, &c. But such offerings, though invaluable among friends, are not used on occasions of ceremony.

Next to fitness of time for presents, comes fitness in the selection of them; generally, luxury and elegance ought to reign in the latter; but this rule has numerous exceptions: and although it would be out of place to offer things purely useful (to which certain incidents would give the appearance of charity) still we should be in an error to suppose that a present is suitable, which is brilliant alone. It must by all means be adapted to the taste, age, and professions of persons, and their connexions with us. Thus to superiors, you offer fruits, game, &c. to a student, books;¹⁷ to a friend of the arts, music, or engravings; to young married ladies, delicate and graceful articles of the toilet, &c.

Presents should excite surprise and pleasure, therefore you ought to involve them in a mystery, and present them with an air of joyful kindness.

When you have made your offering, and thanks have been elicited, do not bring back the conversation to the same subject; be careful, particularly, of making your gift of consequence. On the contrary, when its merit has been extolled, when the persons who have received the present, have evinced a lively satisfaction, say that the gift receives all its value from their opinion of it.

However slight charm a present may have, or if even insignificant, we should be ill-bred not to manifest much pleasure in receiving it. It is besides, necessary, when an opportunity offers, to speak of it, not to fail of saying to the donor, how useful or agreeable his present is to you. In proportion as a long space of time has elapsed, this attention is the more amiable; it proves that you have preserved the object with care. And this reminds me, that we should never give away a present which we have received from another person, or at least that we should so arrange it, that it may never be known.

It is well to mingle with our manifestations of gratitude, some exceptions to the high value of the gift, but not to dwell a long time on the subject, or to exclaim about it with earnestness. Under some circumstances, these declamations may seem dictated by avarice and a want of delicacy; they are besides in bad taste at all times.

We often make a present to some one through his children or wife, especially on new year’s day, when it is the custom to present at least confectionary to the young families of one’s acquaintance. At Paris, we make such presents to married ladies; in the provincial towns, we do not. Above all, when one has received a present of some value, he calls upon the person who gave it, or, if the distance is great, addresses to him a letter of thanks. Every one knows that custom requires us to make a remuneration of a proportionate value, to the domestic who is the bearer of the present.

SECTION III. Of Advice.

Advice is a very good thing, it is true; it is however a thing which in society is the most displeasing. A giver of advice, who is incessantly repeating, If I was in your place, I should do so and so, repels every one by his pride and indiscretion. Such an impertinent person should know, that he ought not to give advice without he is asked, and that the number of those who ask it is very limited: we are not, however, speaking here of gratifications of vanity, but of that advice, the kindness and affection of which, gives it a claim to our attention. It is necessary to use much reserve and care, because otherwise you would seem to have a tone of superiority which would array the self-esteem of your friend against your wisest counsels. Of the forms of modesty, no one in this place is superfluous: we may say, “It is possible that I am mistaken, I should be far from having the courage to enquire of you,” &c.

If a person makes any objections, do not say, You do not understand me, but, I have not expressed myself properly.

SECTION IV. Of Discretion.

The duties of discretion are so sensibly felt by persons of good breeding, that they do not violate them except through forgetfulness. It will be enough then to make an enumeration of them, without intending to point out their necessity.

Discretion requires in the first place, respect with regard to conversation. If, when we enter the house of any one, we hear persons talking in an earnest manner, we step more heavily, in order to give notice to those who are engaged in the conversation. If, in an assembly, two persons retire by themselves to speak of business, we should be careful not to approach them, nor speak to them until they have separated.

People who have lived a little in the world, know how essential it is not to mingle with curiosity in the business of persons whom we visit; nor are they ignorant what conduct is to be observed in case we surprise persons by an unexpected call; but young persons may not know, and I beg them to give their attention to it.

When we see a person occupied, we retire, or at least make signs of it; if they should detain us, we step aside, and appear to be examining a picture, or looking out of the window, in order to prove that we take no notice of what engages them. But the desire to find for ourselves some such occupation, ought not to lead us to turn over the leaves of books placed upon the chimney-piece or elsewhere; to run over a pamphlet; or to handle visiting cards, or letters, even though it be only to read the superscription. If the person visited should be opening a closet or drawers, it would be rude curiosity to approach in order to see what was contained there. If, among a number of valuable things, they take one to show you, be satisfied with looking at that alone, without appearing to think of the others.

If, before the person visited comes in, we should see another visitor, who, to pass the time, should take a journal or a book from his pocket, it would be extremely impolite to read over his shoulder, and equally uncivil to read what a person is writing.

It is not allowable to take down the books from a library; but we may, and we even ought to read the titles, in order to praise the good taste which has been shown in the choice of the works.

If it happens that any one exhibits to a circle some rare and valuable object, do not be in haste to ask for it, or to take it by reaching out your hand; wait modestly until it comes to you; do not examine it too long when you have it, and if by chance any ill-bred person requests it before you have seen it, do not detain it; it is better to suffer this small privation than to pass for a badly educated virtuoso.

However insignificant the boasted object may be, never criticise it; if your opinion is asked, answer a few words of praise; if the thing is really curious, abstain from exaggerated compliments.

To violate the secresy of letters, under any pretext whatever, is so base and odious, that I dare not say a word about it; I think, I ought to say, that it is also very reprehensible to endeavor to read any part of a letter folded in such a manner as to be partly open at the ends; and when a certain passage in a letter concerning yourself is handed you to read, you should put your finger below it in order not to read anything more; and if you are allowed to add anything in a letter, have the discretion not to cast your eyes over the rest, and be expeditious so as to avoid the suspicion that you take advantage of the circumstance.

Politeness is also opposed, in certain cases, to a too great haste to know anything relating to ourselves. For example, if a person brings you a letter, you should not be in a hurry to open it, but see whether the letter concerns the bearer at all, or only yourself. In the first case, you should open it, and read it while he is present; in the other case, you should lay it aside.

Politeness does not, however, impose such restraints upon curiosity in small things, and leave us free in important ones. Thus, we shall not say that we ought religiously to keep a secret, and that confidence received is a sacred deposit; but we shall say to persons who have curiosity to know any private circumstance, that they ought to be filled with shame if they do not desist all importunity as soon as they hear the word, it is a secret.