THE Benefit of FARTING EXPLAIN’D.

English’t thus, for the Benefit of the Ladies.

It Has been observed of late Years, since the primitive wholsome Custom of Toast and Nutmeg in a Morning has been superseded by that pernicious Practice of Tea and Coffee, that a numberless Train of Distempers, scarce known to our Forefathers, as Spleen, Vapours, Hips, &c. have become as universal among us as the Small Pox; the Weight of which has fallen chiefly on the Fair Sex, for Reasons I shall give hereafter. I wou’d not, on any score, be thought Guilty of a Design, to run down those pleasant Liquors, or derogate the least Tittle, from their due Praise, since I should thereby cause the Ladies to level the whole Artillery of their Resentment against me; but must say this in their Favour, That, in the First place, they serve as an Amusement, to divert two or three Hours, that would otherwise lye very heavy on their Hands in a Morning; and Secondly, to purge of that sharp corroding Humour call’d Scandal, which else (if two long retained) might ulcerate their Memory; and, Thirdly, it promotes a free Circulation of Intelligence, which, they’d have no Opportunity of coming at, being debar’d the Benefit of going to Coffee-houses or the Exchange. But, as the greatest Blessings are sometimes attended with some Inconveniency, Wine that makes our Heart glad, can also rob us of our Reason; so these most wholesome and pleasing Liquors, may, if not us’d with Caution, produce ill Consequences, the Prevention of which for the Benefit of that Sex, is the design of this Essay. As in Sipping of these Liquors Hot, there is commonly as much Wind as Water sucked in, which thro’ Modesty being debar’d a Passage downwards, when Nature offers, recoils up into the Bowels, Stomach and Head, and there occasions all those dreadful Symptoms usually ascribed to the Vapours; all which one seasonable FART might have prevented. It has likewise been assigned as the first Cause of Quakerism, and Enthusiasm, as Hudibras observes.

I shall therefore, in the first place, enquire into the Nature and Essence of a FART.

Secondly, Shew the ill Consequences of suppressing it.

Thirdly, Prove the Lawfulness of it. And

Fourthly, and Lastly, Shew the many Advantages will attend an act of Toleration or free Liberty that way.

First, It is a Question greatly controverted among the Learned, Whether a Fart be a spiritual or a material Substance? The Professors of Meta-Phyz-icks have argued warmly for its Spirituality; but the Naturalists as strongly oppose them. The famous Mr. Boyle brings it in as an Example to prove the vast Subtilty of Matter, since a Fart, which in the Hydrostatical Ballance does not weigh the Thousandth part of a Grain, shall, in one Minute, expand it self so far, as to occupy the whole Atmosphere of a large DRAWING ROOM.

The Chymists endeavoured to enquire into its Nature, by resolving it into its first Principles, but they ever found it as Volatile, and as hard to fix as Mercury; they all allow it to abound much in a volatile Sulphur, which they infer, from the brisk Sensation, wherewith it affects the Organs of Smelling, and from its burning Blew, as has been found by Experiment.

Cartesius begs it as a Principle for his Philosophy, and to make it relish the better, new christened it by the name of Materia Subtilis, and cooking up his System to the French Taste, he concluded so savoury an Ingredient would please their Palate; but it proved as unlucky a Material, as the Salt-peter in the Fryar’s Composition that first discover’d Gun-powder; for, taking Vent, it Blew up his whole System, and exploded all his Philosophy.

The Mathematicians steer’d a middle Course between the Naturalists and the Meta Phiz-icians; they own’d a Fart to be a Quantity yet In[di]visible, and gave it the Name of a Mathematical Point, as having neither Length, Breadth nor Thickness.

I therefore define a Fart to be, "A Nitro-aerial Vapour, exhal’d from an adjacent Pond of Stagnant Water of a Saline Nature, and rarified and sublimed into the Nose of a Microcosmical Alembic, by the gentle Heat of a STERCORARIOUS Balneum, with a strong Empyreuma, and forc’d through the Posteriours by the Compressive Power of the expulsive Faculty".

Secondly, Having explained the Nature and Essence of a Fart, I shall next enquire into the ill Consequences of suppressing it, which are almost obvious to every one’s Experience; for in its Retrogradation, it causes CHOLICKS, HYSTERICKS, RUMBLINGS, BELCHING, SPLEEN, &c. but in Women of a more strong Constitution, it vents itself intirely in Talkativeness; hence we have a Reason, why Women are more Talkative than Men; for as the Poet observes,

Hence comes the usual Saying, Tell a Tale, or let a FART; implying the Necessity of Vent, one Way or t’other.

The remarkable Taciturnity of the late Widow Fartwell, is a convincing Proof of this Doctrine; for having her Posteriours much dilated and relaxed by a two frequent Use of Clysters in her Younger Days, she was so debilitated her in retentive Faculty, that her Wind passing too freely that Way, there wanted a sufficient Supply to set the Wind-Mill of her Tongue a-going.

The frequent Fitts of Laughing and Crying, without any sensible Cause, (Symptoms common to such as are troubled with the Vapours are) plainly accountable from this Suppression; for the Windy Vapour getting into the Muscles that assist in Laughing, inflates them, and occasions their Laughing; but if this Vapour, when rais’d to the Head, is there condensed by a cold melancholy Constitution, it distills thro’ the Eyes in Form of Tears.

Thirdly, As for the Lawfulness of Farting, none I hope will dispute that Point with me, ’till they shew me a Law against it, which I am satisfied they cannot do; and, Where there is no Law, there can be no Transgression. The Cannon Law (if I mistake not) is loudly for it, and the Law of Nature seems to be of our Side, and though it seems to be against the Civil Law, yet the Severity of that Law was provided against, by King James the first; for a Gentleman dying by suppressing a Fart in his Presence, the King had immediately wrote over the Gate in Capital Letters this Inscription,

HERE ALL FARTS ARE FREE.

And Cambden observes the Ancient Esteem Farts were in, by Lands held by one Baldwin (le Pettour, i. e. the FARTER) at Hemingston in Suffolk, by the Tenure of coming into Court on a certain Day, and performing Saltus, Sufflatus, & Bumbulus, i. e. Capering, Puffing, and Farting. Cambd. p. 464. Its being contrary to Custom is no Plea, since the same Authority which introduced hoop’d Petticoats can also bring FARTING in Fashion; and there wants nothing more to make it pass current, than some celebrated Toast of the Town to begin an example. We are very forward in imitating our Neighbouring Nations in their Fashion and Dress, tho’ never so ridiculous, but Back-ward in this Point, which would be much more for our Advantage: For a Fart is a Freeman in all the Towns Corporate thro’ Holland. Yufrow Blowza Van Funk, a Burgomaster’s Wife of Rotterdam, values her self as much upon the good Report of her Bum-Battery, as one of Our Ladies would for a sweet Voice, or an agreeable Lisp, and is as industrious in shewing her Performance that Way, as the other in shewing a white Hand, a rich Ring, or a neat Snuff-Box. And the Ladies in France maintain, that a promiscuous Conversation on a Bog-House, savours as little of Impudence or Impiety as over a Tea-Table.

Having proved the Lawfulness of Farting, and the ill Consequence of suppressing it, I shall proceed, Fourthly, To set down the Advantages the Ladies, are likely to reap by an unlimited Freedom that Way. For first, it frees them from that long-winded Catalogue of Distempers already mentioned, and prov’d to proceed from this Cause, which Benefit alone were sufficient to recommend it to all those who value their Health; but besides this, ’twill render Peas Porridge as wholesome as Gingerbread, and Bottel’d Cyder as innocent as Ratafia; ’twill also lower the Price of Daffy’s Elixir, and save them a vast yearly Expence in Ars-a-Fœtida, and Spirits of Harts-Horn, to guard them from the Vapours, since hereby they become their own Apothecaries, to prepare a Medicine will twich them by the Nose every whit as well as their smelling Bottle. ’Tis also a great Promoter of Mirth, for I have known one single Fart, that made an Escape, raise a Laugh of half an Hour; and the Celebrated Author of a Book, called, Laugh and Be Fat, proves Laughing to be a very wholesome Exercise. Dr. Blow in his Treatise of the Fundiment-alls of Musick asserts, that the first Discovery of Harmony was owing to an Observation of Persons of different Sizes sounding different Notes in Musick, by Farting; for while one farted in B fa bimi, another was observed to answer in F faut and make that agreeable Concord call’d a fifth, whence that Musical Part had its Name of Bum-fiddle, and the first Invention of the Double Curtell was owing to this Observation: By this Rule it would be an easy Matter to form a Farting Consort, by ranging Persons of different Sizes in Order, as you would a Ring of Bells, or a Sett of Organ Pipes; which Entertainment would prove much more Diverting round a Tea-Table, than the usual one of Scandal, since the sweetest Harmony is allow’d to proceed from the GUTS. Then that Lady will be reckoned the most agreeable in Company, who is the readiest at Reportee; and, to have a good Report behind her Back would be allow’d a Strong Argument of her Merit.

Having thus explained the many Benefits that attend a Free Practice of Farting, I think I need use no other Arguments to the Ladies, since their own Ease, Interest, and Diversion plead in its Favour. I shall therefore Wind up my Bottom, and conclude.