THE KAISER TO HIS SECRETARY

“Peace upon earth and unto men goodwill!” Such words rang true of yore. (Excuse my laughing.) Ironical they’ll ring while Huns are still A-strafing! My Vaterland, I know, has set its back Against such old-world heresy and schism, And deems such tidings but a mere anach- ronism Not till our Eagles twain replace the U- Nion Jack from Dover Harbour unto Calais, Proving thereby the truth of “Deutschland U- ber Alles!” Not till all men shall hearken my decree, Not till all worlds shall tremble at my nod, Shall peace on earth be countenanced by Me— or God.

But since the time is fitting, down you sit And write—forgive the French—un petit billet- Doux with the season’s compliments to Lit- tle Willie. Tell him how once his courage I admired, How recently—to my surprise—I’ve heard an (I trust) unfounded rumour that he’s tired of Verdun. Bid him select a new cathedral’s spire, Bombard it! Seize it! Never mind the losses! Tell him its peal of bells will make more ir- on crosses. To Hindenburg say—he must do his best, And if he can’t advance, then he must dig a New line, “according to our plans,” due west of Riga.

To her who knows how Bulgars’ palms are Greeced, Send greeting suited to a Royal Queen—oh! And bid her give her brother’s love at least To Tino. To Enver write: “Since some of you seem lost And some of you don’t seem to know quite where ’e are. I’ve squared at—well—at never mind the cost, Bulgaria. “That is my part; you must now stop the gab (Why, anybody can do that much, damn it!) Of those who try to shake the faith of Ab- dul Hamid.” Then when I’m satisfied that General Bird- Wood and his Anzacs at the Dardanelles Are busy studying the latest word In Hells, And my supplies are safe, then right away I’ll hie to Egypt—not by ocean liner, But by a rather safer route through A- sia Minor. These plans of mine, at which some seem surprised, Are not, as fools think, calculated solely on The out-of-date campaigns of undersized Napoleon. For when I’ve got the British blighters beat (Here comes my cunning), what I mean to do is To exercise, on water smooth, my fleet Near Suez. Then, finally, for Double Eagles’ head, In order to perpetuate my Kultur, By Royal Decree I’ll substitute instead— A Vulture. H. B. C.