XVIII PLAYED BY THE BOOK

“There’s a powerful lot o’ people in this here world,” said old man Greenhut, as he rinsed out a couple of whiskey-glasses and set them away, “that seems to think they is app’inted by a all-wise Providence to set other folks right. It don’t seem to make no difference what’s done, or who does it, or how it’s done, they’re always ready to chip a lot of advice into the pot, an’ tell ’em how they’d oughter done it different.

“Mostly such folks is born fools an’ don’t know no more about things in general than a hound pup in the wilderness knows about the plan o’ salvation, but you couldn’t make one o’ ’em realize what a fool he is if you was to cut his head open an’ try to squirt sense into it. What’s this the Good Book says? It’s somethin’ about if you pound a fool up in a mortar and shoot him out with the bombshells, yet will not his folly depart from him.

“There hain’t nothin’, as I said, but what critters like them will try to put right accordin’ to their own notions, an’ the result, so far as I’ve ever seed it, is tol’able certain to be a mixup of the worst sort. An’ when they gets into a game o’ poker there’s more bad blood stirred up in a hour than good, steady play for six months’d be likely to bring up. Sometimes it’s on’y nasty words, an’ sometimes it’s a gun-play. But when such a critter gets hold o’ one o’ these here poker manuals such as I seed the other day that’s just been published in the East, an’ undertakes to make a civilized community swaller his raw notions just because some feller that never played poker on the Mississippi has had ’em printed in a book, he can just about cover the underside o’ the sky with cobwebs o’ perplexity spun out o’ the brains o’ good men that gets bewildered listenin’ to ’em.

“The way I come to see this here book I’m tellin’ about was through a little game that the boys got up last week to oblige a travellin’ Easterner that stopped over for a few days to look at some plantations up the river a bit, that was offered to a British syndicate at a figger that wouldn’t ha’ paid more’n 100 per cent. profit to the owners if the deal had went through. They said this here Wanderin’ Willie boy was some sort of a big-bug in business matters when he was to home, an’ he was travellin’ in cogs, whatever them is. Anyway, he didn’t want nobody to know who he was, an’ he was called Mr. Hapgood when he was travellin’, an’ the keeper that had him in charge treated him as if he was made o’ glass. Hapgood called him his valet, an’ ordered him round like he was a hired man, an’ the keeper never made no fuss at all about it.

“Hapgood was pokin’ round town ask-in’ all sorts o’ questions of everybody, an’ some o’ the boys referred him to me for general information, so he come in that evenin’ an’ chinned with me for half an hour. He bought liquor for the house two or three times, an’ somehow or another there was quite a crowd in here after the first round. I seen there was some o’ the crack players in the place, an’ it kind o’ reminded me o’ the popularity o’ the game here, so when Hapgood ast me, as he did, what the leadin’ industries o’ Arkansas City was, I mentioned draw-poker among ’em. He kind o’ laughed as if I’d said somethin’ funny, an’ said he hadn’t been in the habit o’ thinkin’ of it as a industry, but he’d given considerable study to the game an’ had come to the conclusion that it was just about the real thing. I ast him if he played it much an’ he said no, not exactly, but him an’ four or five o’ his friends had got hold o’ this here manual, as he called it, an’ had practised quite a lot, so’s’t he considered himself a first-class player.

“Well, just naturally I gave him to understand that we had some players in town that we thought was able to hold up their end against any ordinary player, an’ that they would consider it a privilege to make up a game most any time if they could get a first-class player to give them points. They was always anxious to learn, I said, an’ if he would like to get the benefit of a little practice, I thought they would arrange it so’s’t he could have the opportunity.

“You’d ha’ thought he was a bullfrog jumpin’ for a piece o’ red flannel if you’d ha’ seen how quick he took it up. He was more than ready, an’ the boys seein’ how eager he was kind o’ hung back to be coaxed, but old Jake Winterbottom, he pleaded with ’em till he got Jim Blaisdell an’ Sam Pearsall an’ Joe Bassett to set in with him an’ make a five-handed game.

“They set down at the table as they was in the habit of doin’, just takin’ any old place that happened, an’ Hapgood he says, kind o’ surprised, ‘We’ll have to cut for choice o’ seats, won’t we?’

“The boys was more surprised than he was, and Winterbottom, he says, ‘I don’t see no objection to that, but if anybody has any choice o’ seats he can have it as fur as I’m concerned. I don’t see no use o’ cuttin’.’

“ ‘Well,’ says Hapgood, ‘the rules says we must cut for choice. You’re goin’ to play accordin’ to the rules, ain’t you? As I understand it, poker ought to be played strict under the rules.’

“ ‘You’re dead right on that, stranger,’ says Joe Bassett, givin’ Winterbottom a kick in the shins under the table. ‘You can bet this game is goin’ to be played accordin’ to rules if I’m in it. An’ it won’t be healthy for the man that breaks the rules.’

“So they cuts for choice o’ seats, and Pearsall cut low. That give him the choice o’ seats, and he said he’d set where he was. Winterbottom was next lowest man an’ he said he’d set where he was, too. He was suited well enough. But Hapgood, he spoke up again an’ he says that won’t do. The second lowest man must set next on the left o’ the low man, an’ the third lowest next on his left, an’ so on.

“Winterbottom started in to cuss a little, not because he cared a cuss, but just because he was surprised, but he got another kick in the shins, an’ takin’ a sudden tumble to hisself, he jumped up an’ took his proper seat. When they’d all got seated again Joe Bassett ast in a general sort o’ way what good all that did, an’ Hapgood says, ‘Why, that’s one o’ the laws in the International Code. You have to do it before you play or else the game wouldn’t be regular.’

“ ‘That’s right,’ says Joe Bassett. ‘We must play by the rules, but, stranger, we ain’t exactly posted on this here International Code. We play the old Mississippi River rules, the Mississippi River bein’ the place where the game was born an’ growed up. If there’s a International Code we’d like to know about it, an’ if you’ll tell us all about it as we play, we’d think it monstrous kind o’ you.’

“Well, Hapgood says he’ll do it with pleasure, ’n’ he spoke to his keeper an’ tells him to go over to the hotel an’ get the manual out of his portmanteau. ‘The code is in that,’ he says. So the keeper he starts, an’ the boys cut for deal accordin’ to custom, an’ Jake gets it. He shuffles an’ offers the deck to Pearsall, who sits on his right, to cut, but Hapgood speaks up an’ says that ain’t right. ‘The ante man is the man that cuts the cards,’ he says. ‘I don’t know as it makes any great difference,’ he says, ‘who cuts ’em, but that’s what the book says.’

“Winterbottom, he’s gettin’ a little bit old, an’ he’s kind o’ sot in his ways, an’ I c’d see that he was gettin’ sort o’ rattled, but before he c’d say anything, Bassett, he spoke up again. ‘It don’t really make no difference, I reckon,’ he says, ‘but if the book says that the ante man must cut, why, he’s goin’ to cut. On’y you see, stranger, we hain’t familiar with that book an’ we been in the habit o’ lettin’ the feller on the dealer’s right cut the cards. It’s on’y our ignorance, you know. We’re willin’ to learn better.’ An’ he, bein’ the age himself, reaches over and cuts the cards.

“Jake, he kind o’ shakes his head a little, but he don’t say nothin’ an’ he starts to deal, but Hapgood he speaks up again. ‘Before we start,’ he says, ‘we must have it understood whether we are going to play any of the variations in the game. We play straights, don’t we, and straight flushes?’

“ ‘Oh, yes,’ says Bassett.

“ ‘And straights beat three of a kind, don’t they?’

“ ‘Well, yes,’ says Bassett, ‘they commonly do, when you get ’em.’

“ ‘And blazers, do we play them, and jumpers? And do we play with a joker?’

“Bassett was puzzled for a moment, an’ before he could get started Winterbottom busted loose. ‘No!’ he hollered, just like he were mad. ‘No, we don’t play with a joker, nor big an’ little casino, nor right and left bower, nor his nobs, nor his heels. We play draw-poker. An’ we don’t play blazers nor jumpers, because we don’t know what they are and we don’t care a darn. We wouldn’t play them if we did know.’

“ ‘Well, well,’ says Hapgood, ‘that’s all right. I only asked because they’re in the book, and we have to know, you know, before we play, you know.’

“ ‘Well, we know,’ growled Jake and he started to deal again. While he was dealing Bassett put up his ante an’ Hapgood, who set next, he says, ‘I straddle,’ an’ throws in two chips. That makes it four to play, an’ Blaisdell he throws down his cards. Pearsall comes in an’ so does Winterbottom. Bassett makes good an’ Hapgood raises it eight. They was playin’ table stakes.

“Pearsall, havin’ next say, he says, ‘I raise you eight,’ an’ shoves up his chips.

“ ‘Oh!’ says Hapgood, speakin’ up quick. ‘Then you don’t play the doublin’ game?’

“ ‘What in thunder is the doublin’ game?’ says Pearsall.

“ ‘Why you can’t raise less than double what the last bet was,’ says Hapgood.

“ ‘Is that in the book?’ asked Bassett, sudden like.

“ ‘Yes,’ says Hapgood.

“ ‘Then we play it,’ says Bassett very determined.

“ ‘Well,’ says Pearsall, ‘I raise you sixteen chips.’

“Winterbottom he studies for a minute an’ he says, ‘I’ll come in,’ but he says it kind o’ slow.

“It were Bassett’s turn next, an’ he says, ‘I raise it thirty-two chips.’

“Things was gettin’ interestin’ about then. It were quick poker even for Arkansas City, an’ I looked to see some layin’ down, but they all had pretty good cards as it happened an’ they all made good. In the draw Bassett took one card, Hapgood took two, Pearsall stood pat, an’ Winterbottom took two.

“Then they all waited for a minute or so, an’ finally Winterbottom says to Hapgood, ‘It’s your bet.’

“ ‘Oh, no,’ says Hapgood, ‘it isn’t my bet, I straddled.’

“ ‘Well, what in blue blazes has that got to do with it?’ says Pearsall.

“ ‘Why, if I straddled I get the age,’ says Hapgood, an’ the boys was struck dumb for a minute or so.

“Finally, Bassett he caught his breath, an’ he says, ‘Is that in the book?’

“ ‘Why, certainly,’ says Hapgood, an’ just then his keeper come in with the book in his hand. It was a monstrous pretty little red book, too, with a fancy cover an’ gilt edges on the leaves.

“Well, Bassett he were gettin’ sort o’ weak by this time, but he managed to say, ‘I ain’t doubtin’ your word, stranger, but this here is kind o’ strong liquor for us. We ain’t used to it. Don’t you think you’re mistaken? Do you think that any man that knowed enough about poker to write a book about it would put that in?’

“ ‘Well, it’s right here,’ says Hapgood, opening the book. ‘It’s law 44 in the International Code. You’ll see it on page 100. It says: “The straddle transfers the age from the ante man to the straddler,” ’ and he read it and showed it.

“The boys looked at one another for a little, as if nobody could say anything, an’ I reckon they couldn’t right away, but finally Bassett he spoke up, an’ he says: ‘We’ve started to play this here game accordin’ to the rules, an’ I reckon we’d better see it through for one deal, anyhow. Pearsall, it’s your bet.’

“Pearsall he looked kind o’ faint, but he throwed in a chip, an’ Winterbottom seed it, an’ Bassett he come in, an’ Hapgood he raised it ten. Then the boys seen their duty, an’ they done it for fair. The chips was a dollar, an’ Pearsall he raised it twenty, an’ Winterbottom he raised it forty, an’ Bassett he raised it eighty, makin’ about half a million dollars on the table. Hapgood he throwed down his cards, an’ Pearsall an’ Winterbottom did likewise, so nobody found out what anybody had.

“The next deal was about the same story, on’y they all come in, an’ after they’d coaxed Hapgood along till he’d put up a fair-sized stake, they doubled upon him four times instead of three, an’ he throwed down again.

“That brought it up to Hapgood’s deal, an’ I reckon he must ha’ been a little rattled, seein’ how he wa’n’t likely to get much of a show, for instead o’ dealin’ cards to all five players he on’y dealt out four hands. O’ course, they all seen what he was doin’, but they kind o’ watched him to see if it wa’n’t some new sort of a trick out o’ that book o’ his’n, an’ when he finished nobody moved to pick up his cards. An’ still Hapgood didn’t seem to notice nothin’ out o’ the way, so Bassett spoke up very mild an’ subdued like, ‘Ain’t that a misdeal, stranger? You haven’t dealt Winterbottom any cards. He’s in the game, ain’t he?’

“Then Hapgood seen what he’d done an’ picked up the deck again. ‘Oh, no,’ he says, ‘it ain’t a misdeal. I’ll give him a hand,’ and he dealt him one card off the top of the deck, another off the bottom, the next off the top, the next off the bottom, and the next and last off the top.

“Then Winterbottom turned to me an’ says: ‘Greenhut, I wish you’d bring me a drink o’ red liquor. I think I’m going to faint.’ I brought it to him quick, for he did look pale, an’ he ain’t as young as he was. After he’d swallowed it he says to Hapgood: ‘What in blue blazes is that sort o’ monkey business you was just puttin’ up? Is there anything in that extraordinary thing you call a book that says for you to do a thing like that?’

“ ‘Why, certainly,’ says Hapgood. ‘You’ll find it in law 34 of the International Code, on page 98. “If too few hands have been dealt or a player has been omitted, the dealer shall supply the omission by dealing the necessary number of cards alternately from the top and bottom of the pack.” There it is. You can read it for yourself.’

“And he handed the book to Jake. Jake took it and looked at it curiously while the rest of us looked over his shoulders. The rule was there and so were the other things he told us about. And the book was published by some firm in London and another firm in New York. It looked like a sure enough book. It even had the author’s name printed as Templar. I was almost stunned. I couldn’t think of anything to say. Neither could the rest of the boys for a few minutes, but finally Jake handed the book back to Hapgood an’ he says, mighty serious like, ‘I don’t find no fault with you, stranger. You mean well, an’ I don’t reckon you’re the man that wrote this book, but I want to give you a little good advice. If you’re thinkin’ o’ playin’ poker much while you’re in the country, an’ think o’ takin’ that book along with you, the best thing you can do is to take out an all-fired big policy o’ life insurance. Your heirs, if you have any, is liable to get rich monstrous sudden that way. As for me, I think I’ll cash in. I’m open to play draw-poker at any time, but this here game is too rich for my blood.’

“An’ that broke up the game. I don’t know whether they really do play any such poker as that book tells about in the East, but ’tain’t never likely to be played in this country. It does beat all how some folks can get things printed, but I remember hearing it said once that it stood to reason that nobody would ever write a book on how to play poker if he knowed, ’cause if he knowed he’d play enough not to need to write for a livin’.”