Volume 156 — THE BLANKET ASTRAY.
Reading edition
Now that most of us are on the point of escaping into civil life, the relentless department to whom the W.O. entrusted the stewardship of Army blankets is calling us to strict account as to our dealings with these articles.
Between us and freedom rise the accusing phantoms of blankets we signed for and failed to return, blankets we misused as carpets, curtains and table-cloths. The bright dawn of the new era is overcast by their threatening shadow.
The A.A.L.R.B.G.S.—Acting-Assistant Local Recorder of Blankets General Service, a very important Hat indeed—some time last winter paid us a visit and went away without complaint. We had specialised in cherishing Blankets G.S. For fear of loss or damage none had been issued for use, and the enthusiasm of all ranks was so warm that the men were glad to sleep without them, if only they might go and see for themselves the full tally of blankets folded correctly to a hair's-breadth and piled irreproachably and unapproachably in the stores.
Then, three days ago, arrived a chit asking us to explain a curt quotation from the report of the A.A.L.R.B.G.S., to the effect that
"There was a blanket on the table in the store."
By a civilian this might be interpreted as a word of praise for our care of the table or for the comfortable tout ensemble of the Quartermaster-Sergeant's treasure-house; but we know better. We read it with the sensations of a householder who, after the call of a Scotland Yard official, should be invited to explain, in an otherwise satisfactory account of his visit, the sentence—
"There was a corpse in the boot cupboard."
It suggested criticism, suspicion, disapproval. In his dilemma the O.C. replied as follows:—
"Owing to the fact that, in view of the paper scarcity, the keeping of Individual History Sheets for the Blankets under my command was discontinued early in the War, I have found it difficult to collect evidence. I beg, however, to submit the likeliest explanations that offer.
"(1) Possibly the blanket was placed on the table, folded and compressed beneath the weight of the various utensils, literature and stationery necessary to the functioning of a B.Q.M.S., in order that the correct regimental wrinkles, as laid down in the various handbooks, might be made and maintained; the blanket to be used as a model at lectures to young soldiers on the care of equipment.
"(2) The distance between the Main Blanket Dump and the table under suspicion is only four feet. It is in the experience of all familiar with conditions in the Field that blankets with long service frequently develop extreme activity. I beg to suggest that the blanket in question may have absented itself without leave from the main dump and proceeded as far as the table by its own locomotive power.
"(3) About the date of the inspection the name of an N.C.O. was submitted with a recommendation for the O.B.E., but was withdrawn on compassionate grounds. I cannot trust my memory, but possibly the justification of this recommendation was the N.C.O.'s zealous care of the property of H.M. THE KING, in that he sacrificed his own blanket for the welfare of the table." (On paper, of course, our blankets are issued in the normal way.) "The weather at the time was inclement, either (a) wet and dirty or (b) extremely cold. The N.C.O. was determined that this table should be protected from the deleterious effects of (a) moisture likely to result from the vicinity of the Q.M.S., damp from out-door duties or (b) very low temperature, which is known to injure such articles of furniture.
"(4) The blanket may have been known to be likely to try to escape from custody, and have been placed conspicuously on the table so as to be directly under the observation of the Q.M.S.
"(5) The table may have intended illegally to absent itself without leave, and have concealed itself beneath the accused blanket in the hope of eluding the vigilance of the sentries, disguised as a civilian table, i.e. covered with a table-cloth. This theory is unlikely, the table bearing an excellent character and never having been known to attempt desertion or be in any way guilty of conduct contrary to good order and military discipline.
"(6) The Storeman—now demobilised and dispersed—may have committed the irregularity suggested, with the idea of increasing the amenity of the stores during the inspection, as a humble compliment to the A.A.L.R.B.G.S.
"(7) No. 55,442, Procter, Mary, a member of the Q.M.A.A.C., may be correct in her statement that the article described as a 'blanket' was not a blanket, but a rug, travelling. She says she is 'in a position to know this,' as the article is her own property, and supports the claim by demonstrating the presence of her initials embroidered across one corner.
"I await your reply." And so we all do.
VICTRIX.
Here's a lady come to town Puts us all to shame; Walking in with noiseless feet, Very light and very fleet, Over-night she came. Not a beauty in the land, Though she knew no peer Both for comeliness and grace, But must take a second place— The snow is here. Never monarch wore, I swear, Such a radiant dress; All the whitenesses we prize Suddenly before our eyes Turn to dinginess. Gone are all the shining joys That we held so dear; Linens, marbles, gleaming plumes We must hide in shadowed glooms— The snow is here. Veil your brows, you pretty maids, With your falling curls; Should you venture forth to-day Tuck your milky throats away, Cover up your pearls. Naught shall match your loveliness Later in the year (Who so foolish as to dare Say the lily is more fair?) But—the snow is here.
R. F.
A MASTER OF GROTESQUE.
The Leicester Galleries for laughter just now! For the walls of the inner room are hung with drawings by Mr. H.M. BATEMAN, not a few of which—such as "The Leave Wangler," and "The Man who Clung to the Railings," and "The Infectious Hornpipe"—have already rejoiced the readers of Punch.
Mr. BATEMAN'S appeal is double, for, having enjoyed his broad or subtle farce and his keen satirical observations, one may turn to the admiration of his technique, or vice versâ*. He did not invent the idea of the humorous sequence—the accumulative pictorial comedy; CARAN D'ACHE had come before, and before CARAN D'ACHE was WILHELM BUSCH, the German; but he has made it his own to-day. Some of his series are irresistible. As a delineator of types, accurate beneath the caricature, he is deadly; particularly, perhaps, when he turns his attention to the Senior Service. But his Brigadiers and his Clubmen are also always within an ace of being identifiable.
For anyone in the dumps Mr. Punch prescribes a speedy visit to the Leicester Galleries.
OUR PLUTOCRATIC CLERGY.
"Curate wanted. £22. 2 churches. E.P."
Church Times.
Mabel (to newly-married sister). "YOU DON'T MIND ME STILL CALLING YOU 'SYBIL,' DO YOU?"
