Volume 156 — A WASTED TALENT.
Reading edition
Fresh knowledge of a varied kind While in the army I acquired, Some useful, which I didn't mind, And much that made me tired; But one result was undesigned; It cost me neither toil nor care: Swiftly and surely, with the ease Of drinking beer or shelling peas, War taught me how to swear. Widely my power was recognised; The hardiest soldier shook like froth, And even mules were paralysed To hear me voice my wrath; Unhappy he and ill-advised Who dared withstand when I reviled; Have I not seen a whole platoon Wilt and grow pale and almost swoon When I was really wild? But now those happy days are past; A mild civilian once again, I dare not even whisper "——!" If something gives me pain; Barred are those curses, surging fast, That swift and stinging repartee; Instead of words that peal and crash I breathe a soft innocuous "Dash!" Or murmur, "Dearie me!" Yet sometimes still, when on the rack And past all due forbearance tried, The ancient fierce desire comes back, I seem to boil inside; And then I take a hefty sack, I place my head within, and thus Loose off, in some secluded niche, A deep, whole-hearted, grateful, rich, Sustained, delirious cuss.
The Slump in Monarchy.
From a publisher's advertisement:—
THE PRICE OF A THRONE —— 1/6 NETT
"The scratching of the hydroplane Sutnrise for the Atlantic Flight Stakes must tempt her captain to change his name from Sunstedt to Sunsttd."—Provincial Paper.
We fear the printer did not appreciate the sub-editor's humour.
"Until they get a barber the Islington Board of Guardians are employing a gardener to do hair-cutting and shaving work in his spare time at a remuneration of 1s. 3d. per hour."—Daily Express.
But we understand that he is expected to provide his own scythe.