Volume 152 — TOLD TO THE MARINES.
Reading edition
This is the yarn wot Sergeant Wells O' 'Is Majesty's Marine Told in the mess 'bout seven bells— 'E's the skipper's servant an' knows a lot; An' I don't say it's true and I don't say it's not, But it easily might 'ave been. "'Twas in the fust few months o' the War, An' the vessel wot I was on Was layin' a couple of cables from shore; I'd pulled to the steps in the scullin' boat To get some thread for the skipper's coat Where the seam of the arm 'ad gone. "I was driftin' back on the fallin' tide, And feeling a trifle queer, When somethin' grated agin the side; I sat up straight and I scratched my 'ead; 'There ain't no rocks round 'ere,' I said, 'It must 'ave bin all that beer.' "When suddenly close on my starboard beam, With scarcely a foot between (I can see it now like an 'ijjus dream), Rearin' its 'ead like a pisonous snake Was a periscope, an' I saw the wake Of a big 'Un submarine. "An' I knew the ship wos an easy mark, Like shootin' a sittin' 'en, For the sky wos bright an' 'er 'ull wos dark With the 'ole of 'er broadside showin' clear— Couldn't 'ave missed, she was layin' so near, If 'e 'd got 'er bearin's then. "I saw 'is cruel little eye A-swivellin' stem to starn; 'Now, Wells,' I ses, 'you must do or die,' So I crammed my cap a-top o' the slit And lashed it fast in place with a bit, Wot I'd pinched, of the bo'sun's yarn. "'E wos blinded, of course, an' 'e sank like a stone, Which wos all that the blighter could do, An' I 'urried to speak to the skipper alone; I found 'im pacin' the quarter-deck, An' I told 'im the truth in every respec' The same as I'm tellin' you. "Well, 'e looked me up an' 'e looked me down Till I felt my cheeks go warm, For I knowed there wos somethin' adrift by 'is frown; Then 'e closed 'is jaw with a wicious snap; 'Where,' ses 'e, 'is your perishin' cap? Do you call that uniform?.' "An' so long as Brittanyer is queen of the sea, Which is wot she 'as always bin, You may do your dooty as well as me, But you won't 'ave no credit at all for the same Unless you give 'eed to the rules of the game, Which is Service Discipline."
Our Polygamists.
"The bride carried a sheaf of harem lilies and orchids."—Provincial Paper.
WAR-TIME IN THE WILD WEST.
POSTMORTEM PETE APPEARS BEFORE THE LONE GULCH TRIBUNAL TO PLEAD FOR EXEMPTION ON CONSCIENTIOUS GROUNDS.
DOCKING THE DRAMA.
It has been reported that, in view of the necessity for restricting the consumption of artificial illuminant, the authorities propose drastically to curtail the duration of theatrical entertainments. Should this prove to be the case, we venture to anticipate certain further regulations that may shortly be added to those already printed upon the programmes:—
(1) Every possible effort must be made to reduce the two-and-a-half hours' traffic of the stage to one hour-and-a-half. With this purpose it is enacted that—
(2) No reference to any supposed events prior to the commencement of the action will be permitted in the dialogue. All such particulars as may be essential to an understanding of the plot must be legibly printed upon the programmes.
(3) No performer to take more than thirty-five seconds in quitting the stage. Backward looks and doorway pauses forbidden (provided always that nothing in this section shall apply to the case of an actor-manager when surrendering heroine to youthful rival).
(4) All applause, except at the fall of the curtain, to be instantly suppressed by ushers appointed for that purpose.
(5) Friend-of-the-Family parts to be restricted to one illustrative anecdote and one advisory monologue, neither to exceed three-and-a-half minutes in delivery.
In addition, the Limelight Control Committee furnishes us with the following scale of allowances and restrictions under a new clause of the Defence of the Realm Act:—
DRAMA.—The duration of the employment of limelight in Drama may be as follows:—
During eviction of heroine into snowstorm, allowance of one beam for a reasonable period not to exceed one minute.
For death of infant-phenomenon, double-beam lasting two minutes; supplementary allowance for angelic vision subsequent to same.
Embrace of hero and heroine at curtain fall, double-beam, two-and-a-half minutes.
FARCE AND COMEDY.—It is regretted that, in view of the situation, no allowances of limelight can at present be sanctioned.
MUSICAL PLAYS AND REVUES.—Patriotic or Hortatory Songs may be accompanied by four beams, with supplementary allowance for encore verses. (N.B. In these cases application should be supported by a recommendation from the particular Government Department, War Office. Admiralty, or Ministry of Munitions, extolled in the proposed ballad.)
Ethiopian Serenades, hitherto given by the light of (apparently) two full-moons, must be restricted to one beam, of reduced candle-power, thus combining realism with economy.
The Mysteries of Arboriculture.
From an American Nursery Company's pamphlet:—
"Practise thinning in the winter time and head back in the summer. A tree can be kept bearing practically regular crops. Of course, it is impossible to keep any tree bearing practically regular crops, but, of course, it is impossible to keep any tree bearing a full crop regularly. Wonders can be done by this system of pruning."
We can well believe this.
"'Wild Foods of Great Britain,' with 46 figs. 1s. 6d. net."—"Times" Literary Supplement.
With fruit at present prices the figs alone should be worth the money.