Volume 100 — MRS. GRUNDY TO MR. GOSCHEN.

The Three per Cents, the Three per Cents, Serene but mortal Three, In view of recent sad events, Oh! give them back to me. Oh! GOSCHEN, Sir, kind gentleman, Hear my polite laments; Restore this trio, if you can— Those musical Per Cents. My income once was safe, if small; It's larger, but unpaid, Despite "the quite phenomenal Development of Trade." The "Bogus Man" is on the track, And queer "Financial Gents" Have promised me in white and black Their Six and Ten per Cents. The Three per Cents were regular, Respectable, and good. Their health was such that "under par" They very seldom stood; They needed no "conversion" rash, Like Darker Continents; A sort of Sunday turned to cash They were, my Three per Cents. A distant river somewhere rolls, The wicked River Plate; Upon its banks there flourish souls Perverse and reprobate. Ah, send your missionaries there! If haply it repents, I'll not surrender Eaton Square For Surrey's wild or Kent's. Not I alone; the best that breathe, Archbishop, Duke, and Lord, Your bust with chaplets rare will wreathe, This boon if you'll accord. How can we by example shame The mob who mock at rents, If we are left to do the same Without our Three per Cents? Reft of a carriage, life is poor: A well-conducted set Needs ready money to procure Their butler and Debrett. The country totters to its fall, Disgraced to all intents, Unless you instantly recall Our solid Three per Cents.

Funeral Reform? Oh! just a fad,— Its advocates, in fact, as bad As those who want Cremation. A set of foolish, fussy fools Whose misplaced ardour nothing cools— A nuisance to the nation! Economy, they're all agreed, Should be with them a cult and creed, Simplicity a passion. They'd quickly wreck this trade of ours, Since they would scorn the use of flowers, If they could set the fashion! Yes; parsons agitate, but these Good gentlemen all take their fees— We thank them much for giving Such good advice upon this head, But recollect that from the dead We've got to get our living!