THE BALLAD OF THE EARL'S BREEKS.
Reading edition
"I am wearing a pair of Co-operative trousers."—Lord Rosebery, at Congress of Delegates from the Co-operative Societies of Great Britain and Ireland, meeting at Glasgow.
Talk of Dual Garmenture! Here's a picture, to be sure, That a pleasanter, more potent lesson teaches. Croakers given to foolish fright might take courage at the sight Of Lord Rosebery's Co-operative Breeches! For our Earl's a canny chief, and the timidest must feel That by what he advocates no sort of hurt is meant; And if anybody wants true co-operative pants, He'll be glad to read Lord Rosebery's advertisement. Co-operation now frightens very few, I trow, (Who wear trousers); but a few years earlier? Bless us! Such breeks would have been bogies to a lot of frightened fogies, They would just as soon have donned the shirt of Nessus. Now an Earl to Glasgow goes, 'midst the men once thought our foes, And about Co-operation learns—and also teaches; And receives with genial glee from the Tweed Society A pair of Tweed Co-operative Breeches! Why eighty-six per cent. (at Clackmannan) are intent, (Nearly nine-tenths of all its population), In a fashion fair as stout, upon fully working out The principles of true Co-operation. Yet there are no earthquakes there, and Lord Rosebery in the chair At the Congress of Co-operative Delegates, Talks in tones of hearty cheer, and the very thought of fear To a Limbo Fatuorum calmly relegates. Members One million men, with a capital of Ten, And an annual sale of close on Thirty Seven! Two millions more each year! Yes, it's truly pretty clear That the State feels the co-operative leaven. And though it is mere hum to see the Millennium, Because Co-operators cheerfully co-operate, Yet it is a mighty movement, and our hopes of Earth's improvement May rise with it, at a prudent and a proper rate. Pooh! the pessimistic dreams of pragmatical Earl Wemyss May well excite this sager Earl's derision. Forty Millions total profit! No, we are not nearing Tophet, Any more than we are touching realms Elysian. Those on Co-Ops so sweet and shopkeepers need not treat Each other like the cats of old Kilkenny, From each other they might learn, live together and all turn, With sagacity and skill, an honest penny. There's no need for any gush, but "The Principle" will push As Lord Rosebery foreshadows to high places; And it was not all his fun when he hinted we might run Our Empire on co-operative bases! They who want to understand what is stirring in the land, Should peruse Primrose's pithiest of speeches, Meanwhile Punch drinks good health to the "Labourer's Commonwealth," And long wear to those Co-operative Breeches!
WEEK BY WEEK.
Monday.—Preparing for the Derby. Mr. Stanley goes out of his way to meet Lord Salisbury. Lord Salisbury goes out of Mr. H. M. S's. way.
Tuesday.—More preparations for Derby.
Wednesday.—The Derby. Mr. Punch out for the day. Party at Foreign Office to meet Mr. Stanley unavoidably postponed.
Thursday.—Trying to recover from Derby Day.
Friday.—Private Eclipse of the Sun. For tickets to view, inquire at Timekeeper's Office, Charing Cross. Only a limited number will be issued.
Saturday.—Lord Salisbury's first dance to meet Mr. Stanley.
Social festivities which were much disturbed by the Whitsuntide holidays, have now been resumed in all their splendour. The Mile End Athenæum yesterday held their annual reception in the palatial institution designed for the accommodation of the intellectual élite of the district. The rooms were crowded from an early hour. Proceedings began with an address on "The Æsthetic Position of Mile End," delivered by the President. This was followed by some graceful step-dancing, executed by two stars from the neighbouring Hall of Variety. Later on the guests, having, as is usual, exchanged over-coats, and tossed with the Club halfpenny for umbrellas, separated to their homes.
Lady Clementina Cropper has issued cards for a musical evening at which all the most eminent performers are expected. The Whistling Quintette and the Whispering Choir have been engaged. Her Ladyship's parties are famous for the animation and brilliancy of their conversation.
It is understood that the Stewards of the Jockey Club at their last meeting resolved to suppress the use of all strong language on Derby Day. Any owner discovered in the act of saying "blow" will be confined to barracks for a fortnight. Anything more violent will involve perpetual suspension, with the loss of all the privileges of a British Citizen. Any jockey denouncing his neighbour's eyes will be converted into an automatic toffee-distributor. If he repeats the offence, he will be forbidden to vote at the next County Council Election. These salutary regulations will be strictly enforced.
The Railway Companies anticipate no difficulty in conveying visitors to Epsom within two hours of the time fixed for their arrival. Much interest attaches to some novel experiments in shunting, which are to be carried out between Epsom and London to-day. The point is to discover whether an excursion train loaded with passengers at the rate of thirty to a carriage designed for eight, can be shunted into a siding so as to clear an express moving at a constant velocity of fifty miles an hour, drinks included. The pace of the excursion train may be neglected in the solution of the problem.
"I have never understood," says a Correspondent, who signs himself "Puzzled," "why a dog should always use his left hind-leg for the purpose of scratching his left ear, and vice versâ his right leg for his right ear. Can any of your readers enlighten me?"