MR. PUNCH'S DICTIONARY OF PHRASES.
Reading edition
Social.
"Haven't missed a word you said;" i.e., "Gracious! where was she?"
"Not exactly pretty, perhaps, but so nice;" i.e., "As pappy in character as she is plain in face."
Railroad Amenities.
"No, thanks; reading in a railway carriage always tries my poor eyes so;" i.e., "I've better occupation for them just now."
"Pardon my drawing the blind; the glare in a railway carriage always makes my head ache;" i.e., "Shows up my wrinkles and moustache-dye."
Theatrical.
"She is an intelligent and experienced artist;" i.e., Much too old for the part.
Effusive Flattery.
"Thank you so much for your dear little Book of Poems. I haven't read them yet, but next time we meet I'll tell you what I think of them;" i.e., "I hereby make a solemn resolution, if I can possibly help it, never to meet you again in this life."
Perfunctory Apology.
"I hope I didn't hurt you. I'm sure I beg your pardon;" i.e., "Stupid fool! Serves you right for sticking out your feet, and tripping up everybody who happens to stumble on to them."
REDUCED TO A SHADOW!—Probable Result of Parliamentary Pressure.
DIANA AT DINNER.
[On the first page of the prospectus of the recently-established "Dorothy" Restaurant it is stated that it is for "Ladies only." On the last page will be found the following modification:—"At the request of many of the Lady customers, it has been decided to open the Restaurant from 6·30 P.M. to 10 P.M. to both Ladies and Gentlemen."]
There was started in London, I mustn't say where, And, beyond saying lately, I mustn't say when, A sweet Restaurant, where the sex that is fair Might attend undisturbed by the presence of men. "We are forced to endure you in Park and in Row, We must bear you unwilling in hansom or 'bus; But if any stray here, they shall meet with a No,— So attempt not the haunt that is sacred to Us. "Be warned, O intruder, nor venture to lag When the nymphs of Diana the huntress draw nigh. Fly, fly from their presence as fleet as a stag. Lest you meet with the fate of Actæon, and die." Thus the Ladies addressed us; the tables were set, The silver was polished, the viands displayed. And, like doves in a dove-cote, the customers met, In a plumage of silks and of muslins arrayed. "This is sweet!" said Amanda. "Delightful!" said Jane. While the rest in a chorus of "Charming!" combined. And, declaring they cared not if dishes were plain, So the men remained absent, they solemnly dined. And they toyed with their entrées, and sipped their Clicquot, And their smiles were as sweet as the wine that they drank. But at last came a whisper—"Oh dear, this is slow!" "Hush, hush!" said the others. "How dreadfully frank! "Not slow; but there's something—I scarcely know what, An absence, a dulness I cannot define. It may be the soup, which was not very hot, Or the roast, or the waiting, the ice, or the wine. "But I'm sure there's a something." And so they agreed, And they formed a Committee to talk of the case. And a programme was issued for all men to read, Bidding men (on page one) to abstain from the place. But, since it is harder to ban than to bless, "For their own sakes," they said, "we will humour the men." If you turn to the last page, you'll find this P.S.:— "Men allowed, by desire, from 6·30 to 10."
TRUE NOSTALGIA.
Ullo! Dubois? You in London?"
"Oui, mon ami. Je suis arrivé de Paris ce Matin, et j'y retourne ce Soir par le Club-train!"
"Is this the first time you've come to London?"
"Non, mon ami. Mais c'est la première fois que j'y reste aussi long-temps!"
