THE LATEST DANGER.
Reading edition
(A Caution to those who are Interviewed.)
The celebrity awaited his interviewer with some impatience. He had arranged his story with considerable care. He was prepared to show that he was the best of boys at school, the most studious of students at the university, the worthiest of men at all times. He felt sure that when the record of his life was published, preparations would be made to erect a statue and a glass window in his honour. And so he was satisfied.
In due course the interviewer appeared. The man was bland and persuasive. He requested the celebrity to take a chair, and then placed his hand upon his brow. The celebrity gazed into the eyes of his visitor with a lack lustre stare, and then seemingly sank into a heavy sleep.
"And now I am prepared to begin," murmured the interviewer, taking out his notebook. "My worthy Sir, I command you to tell me all. Mark you well—all." And then the celebrity, in a monotonous tone, revealed the secrets of the past.
The celebrity was furious. The interview had appeared, and was far too true in the story of its subject's life to be pleasant. There was no assertion that the celebrity had been the best of boys at school, the most studious of students at the university, the worthiest of men at all times. On the contrary, the celebrity had "come out" in rather unflattering colours. So that eminent man was simply furious. He had sent for his interviewer, and awaited once more his arrival with impatience. In due course his biographer turned up.
"And now, Sir," said the celebrity, in tones trembling with anger, "what do you mean by suggesting that I tried as a child to slaughter my maiden aunt?"
"Did you?" was the calm rejoinder.
"That is beside the question. And why did you assert that I had told you that I never did a day's work at the university?"
"But you did say so—didn't you?"
"Again beside the question. And what did you mean by stating that I had deserted my wife, and turned my children out-of-doors at a moment's notice?"
"But were those statements true or untrue?"
"That you have not received a writ for libel is my answer. But how came you to know these unpleasant details—who told you?"
"You did."
"I did! When, where and how?"
"When I saw you here, and at my request."
"I do not understand you," murmured the puzzled celebrity. "Why should I tell you all this?"
Then came the explanation.
"You told me all I wanted," replied the interviewer, "because I am a hypnotist?"
"Indeed!" returned the celebrity when he had recovered from his astonishment; and then, after a moment of deep consideration, he gave his visitor the names and addresses of the more hated of his rivals.
THE NEW BATTLE OF HASTINGS.
Some advance on Peace's journey We may reckon. War's disasters Won't attend this great Chess Tourney. And the Meeting of the Masters. Steinitz, Lasker, Tschigorin, Blackburne, Bird, or any other, Whichsoever champion win, Will be hailed as friend and brother. Senlac saw another sight When the Norman whipped the Saxon. This serene and bloodless fight Skill and patience lay sole tax on. Here no arrow ends the fray, (Though a narrow victory may do,) Whereat Punch must shout hooray! Play on, great Chess Masters, pray do! May the best man meet success! (Big guns have had pretty bastings!) And no Battles, save at Chess, Ever stain our English Hastings!
A Voice from the Table.
(At Swearing-in Time for the new M.P.'s).
The cry is still they come—the new M.P.'s! The difference 'twixt them and us, no doubt, Seems but one letter, but how vast it is!— They are "sworn in," but we are just worn out!
SATISFACTORY!
Nervous Traveller. "Hi, Man, steady! Don't drive so fast!"
Hibernian Driver. "Sure, yer Honner, an' I'm only thryin' to make the ould Mare forget how often she has been on her Nose at this blissed Hill!"