ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

Extracted from the Diary of Toby, M.P.

House of Commons, Monday, September 11.—Alpheus Cleophas walking about the Lobby with a new foot-rule obtrusively held in his hand. Thought at first he was going to probe somebody, after the fashion of Swift MacNeill, in rare access of ferocity.

"No," he said, when I asked him if that was his business; "we are presently going to debate question of appointment of Duke of Connaught to command at Aldershot. I want to know precisely how far out of the line of fighting the Duke was at Tel-el-Kebir. You know Campbell-Bannerman's suave manner. When I put question to him, he'll say, 'How can I tell the Hon. Member, not having a foot rule in my pocket.' As soon as he says that, I whip this out; he will sit confounded, and either we shall get at the truth of a matter with which country is deeply concerned, or Campbell-Bannerman must go. I have no personal interest in such a contingency. If there were a vacancy at the War Office, it is, of course, quite possible that Mr. G. might think of me. I fancy in Committee on the Army Estimates I have shown I know a thing or two. But that is neither here nor there. It will be time to decide on the offer when it is made, if indeed prejudices, from which even Liberal Ministry are not free, do not stand in the way. At present I want to know, within a foot or two—no one can say I'm unreasonable—how far off the fighting the Duke of Connaught stood, and Campbell-Bannerman will have to answer the question."

A HOUSE OF APOLLO-TICIANS—AS SEEN BY THEMSELVES.

Turned out that Alpheus did not find opportunity of bringing in the foot measure. Dalziel raised question Appointment of Royal Duke to command at Aldershot; a ticklish subject for young Member to take up. Dalziel's manner excellent; gave tone to debate, happily preserved throughout; several times Alpheus Cleophas brought out foot-rule and shook it at Campbell-Bannerman. War Minister, naturally well up in strategy, had observed precaution of placing on his flank his Financial Secretary, Woodall, V.C. If there was any probing to be done that veteran would receive first onslaught. Thus assured, Campbell-Bannerman made admirable defence of a position held in advance to be shaky. Came out of Division Lobby with flying colours and majority of 117.

Alpheus Cleophas's Foot-Rule.

Business done.—Army Votes in Committee of Supply.

House of Lords, Tuesday.—Lords met to-day—at least Lord Denman and the Bishop of Ely did. They, facing each other from either side of otherwise empty chamber, heard Royal assent given to number of bills, and House adjourned for seven days. Don't know what we should have done this week in Lords but for Denman. Everyone else gone out of town. He still treads the burning deck, his plum-hued skull-cap giving touch of chastened colour to passages leading to and from the House. Severe taste might object that it is a little painful in conjunction with the brilliant red of the leather-covered benches. But whoever responsible for selection of that decoration should have thought of Denman's skull-cap. He was here yesterday; did quite a lot of business; moved Second Reading of his Woman's Suffrage Bill.

"My Lords," he said, rising from the seat which the burly figure of the Markiss usually fills, "I think there is an opportunity of making substantial progress with this important measure. If your Lordships will be so good as to suspend the Standing Orders, as has just been done in case of Naval Defence Amendment Bill, we could carry the measure through all the stages before your Lordships rise."

For all answer Kensington, on Woolsack in absence of Lord Chancellor pacing the battlements of his lordly castle at Deal, put the question that the Bill be read a second time; declared in same breath "the Not-Contents have it;" and so Denman and his little Bill contemptuously swept aside.

"I thought better of them, Toby," he said, when I met him an hour later still hovering round the closed doors of the House. Over his arm was his rusty old coat; in one hand a stick; in the other a hat that had seen silkier days. There was a tear in his eye, and a tremor in his still musical voice. "It seemed as if a better day had dawned; and that the House of Lords was about at last to recognise in me the worthy son of a father once their pride. Last week the change suddenly came. It was Denman this and Denman that, and 'we must see what we can do about your Suffrage Bill.' The Markiss going to his seat on Wednesday gave me a friendly nod and smile. Usually he never sees me except when I get on my legs, when he forthwith moves the Adjournment of House. As for the Whips, I fancied they must have been looking up my speeches in Hansard, and learned what they had lost by not being in their place to hear them. 'I trust your lordship is well, and do not find the electric light too glaring?' 'You must take a place by the table so that you can hear Salisbury and Rosebery.' 'We shan't keep you up late on Friday; have arranged to take Division at midnight so that you may get home in good time. But you'll be there, of course?'"

"It was Denman this, and Denman that."

"And were you there?" I asked.

"Of course I was there, and voted in majority against Home-Rule Bill. Came down yesterday prepared to make most of this new and pleasant turn. Got up to ask Kimberley question as to whether postponement of Home-Rule Bill would date from Friday or Saturday. Nice point, you know. Everything depends upon it. No one had discovered point but me. Expected Government and House would be grateful. What happened? Kimberley snubbed me; House sniggered; my Woman's Suffrage Bill, about which Opposition Whips so anxious last week, treated with usual contumely. I propose to deal with Coal Strike; they move the Adjournment, and leave me speechless at the table. Begin to think that all they wanted was my vote to swell majority against Home-Rule Bill. A weary world, Toby. Saddest of all for neglected statesmen in our gilded Chamber. Should you ever be made a peer take an old man's advice and do everything you can to obscure your native abilities. Once you excite the jealousy of men like the Markiss, and implant in their bosom suspicion that if they don't look out you may supplant them, you are lost. Perhaps I made a mistake when I admitted Farmer-Atkinson to my councils. You remember him in the other House as Member for Boston? We had a plan——but no matter. Still, if Farmer-Atkinson had led the Commons and I the Lords, you would have seen something. Perhaps we were too reckless in our open colloguing in the Lobby. Gladstone smelt a rat. Salisbury saw it moving in the air; the instincts of self-preservation triumphed over political animosity and the rivalry of a lifetime. They put their heads together; the coffers of the secret-service money were depleted; the illimitable resources of the State were in other ways drawn upon. Where is Farmer-Atkinson now? I am left solitary and friendless. For a while the Unholy Alliance triumphs; but they will find they have not done with Denman yet."

The old gentleman took off his skull-cap; carefully wrapped it up; hid its plumage in his tail-pocket; and pressing his hat over his brow, shook his grey head, and walked wearily down the corridor.

Business done.—House of Lords adjourned for a week.

Saturday, 2.40 A.M.—"Who goes home?" I hear the cry resounding through the Lobby. Well, if no one minds, I think I will. Been here since half-past three yesterday. For the matter of that, been here since the 31st of January. Coming down again at noon to sit till Squire of Malwood can see his prospect clear to bringing about Adjournment next Saturday.

Business done.—Mostly all.

Calf-Love.

Chary of Charing.

["The occupation for women exclusively is that of charing."—Daily Paper.]

COMMERCIAL CON.

Q. Why is a modern advertiser like an ancient knight-errant?

A. Because he is inspired by the spirit of "ad"-venture.

Transcriber's Note: Sundry damaged or missing punctuation has been repaired. Corrections are also indicated, in the text, by a dotted line underneath the correction. Scroll the mouse over the word and the original text will appear. Page 135: 'hallo'd' corrected to 'hollo'd', to match the others. ("They hunted and they hollo'd,an' the next thing they did find")