Act 3 — Scene II.

An Ornamental Shrubbery near the Lodge of the Hall.

Enter Peter Bargrove.

Peter. What a stupid old woman not to confess, after the stars had told the truth! As to old Bargrove, I will have my revenge upon him. Beat me! me, Sir Peter's heir to the property! How confounded strong he is! the old brute! Out of respect to his age, I did not strike him again; but I should like to see, just like to see the next man who will venture to lay his stick across my back. Now I'll to the Hall, and make myself known to Lady Etheridge. How affected she will be! I'll lay my life there will be a scene. Who comes here? O, the fictitious heir to the property, Captain Bargrove, as he will find himself in a very short time. I must hold myself rather high; it will prepare him, as it were, for the bad news. Poor fellow!

Enter Captain Etheridge and Mertoun, from the gates of the Lodge.

Capt. Eth. (holding out his hand). Hail! Peter, my good fellow! how are you all at home?

Peter. (turning away, and folding his arms). Pretty well, Captain.

Capt. Mer. (aside). I say, Etheridge, that's a dead cut; who is your friend?

Capt. Eth. (astonished). What's the matter now? I think, Mr Peter, when I offer my hand, it is not very courteous in you to refuse it.

Peter. (ostentatiously). Property, Captain, is property. You'll allow that. My hand is my own, and I have it in possession. You'll allow that. But there is other property, which at present is not in my possession, but which you will allow to be hereafter. (Aside.) That's a hard hit.

Capt. Mer. Property is property, Etheridge, and to judge by his manners, your friend must have an excess of it in possession.

Capt. Eth. Property is property, but I doubt if my friend has much of it in possession.

Peter. No, but I hope to have.

Capt. Eth. Well, I hope so too. But what's the matter with you, Peter?

Peter. Excessively familiar!

Capt. Mer. Upon my word, Etheridge I wonder at your patience. Who is the brute?

Peter. Brute, sir, did you say brute?

Capt. Mer. Yes, sir, I did.

Peter. Then, sir, if you say brute, I beg to observe to you, sir, that—that——

Capt. Mer. What? Well, sir!

Peter. That, sir, a brute is a beast, sir——

Capt. Mer. Exactly.

Peter. And if that's what you meant, there's no offence. Now, if you say brute beast——

Capt. Mer. Well, sir, I do say so.

Peter. You do—you do say so? Well, then, sir, allow me to tell you, in very positive terms, sir, that you have been guilty of—of tautology.

Capt. Mer. Your friend is very harmless, Etheridge.

Capt. Eth. I am aware of that; but still I was not prepared for this impertinence, considering the obligations he is under to my family.

Peter. Obligations, sir, what obligations? Do you refer to the advantages that you had in being educated with me?

Capt. Eth. I have ever considered the reverse; and that it was you who had the advantages, had you had sense enough to profit by them.

Peter. Now, observe, there's your mistake.

Capt. Eth. to Capt. Mer. The fool is mad.

Peter. Mad, Captain what's your name?

Capt. Eth. Captain what's-your-name, Peter, don't stand insult.

Peter. There is no insult. I repeat again, Captain what's-your-name. Do you know your name?

Capt. Eth. to Capt. Mer. Why, he's as mad as a March hare.

Capt. Mer. Yes, but not so hot as a Welsh rabbit.

Peter. A rabbit—that's a boroughmonger! Now I ought to take that up, it is a downright insult; but perhaps he did not mean it. Captain what's-your-name, I tell you a secret; you don't know your own name, no, nor you don't know your station in life.

Capt. Eth. I'm sure you forget yours, Mr Peter. How long has this change taken place?

Peter. Ask your nurse. (Aside.) That was a hard hit; he must smell a rat now.

Capt. Eth. Ask my nurse!

Capt. Mer. Ask your granny, Etheridge; upon my soul, it's as good as a play.

Capt. Eth. To the audience, perhaps; but I feel rather inclined to be in earnest. Hark you, Mr Peter, do you know I am very particular in payment, and always give every man his due.

Peter. That's it exactly. All that I wish is, that you would give me mine; but if you don't—I shall oblige you, depend upon it.

Capt. Mer. I rather expect he will, Etheridge, if he goes on much longer.

Peter. Thank you for taking my part. That's handsome. Perhaps you will persuade him to do me justice.

Capt. Mer. If you had been in my hands, I should have done you justice long before this.

Peter. "There's virtue still extant," as the play has it. Sir, as you have joined my side, I'll permit you to shake hands with me.

Capt. Mer. O certainly! we always do preparatory to a set-to. Now, then, take my advice—on your guard!

Peter (aside). Now I don't fear him. (Aloud.) Captain what's-your-name, shall I tell you your fortune?

Capt. Eth. O certainly! you look like a conjuror.

Peter. It is your fortune, sir, to be under the baleful influence of the stars, Georgium Sidum and Copernicum. In a few days you will find your name to be Bargrove, and you will have to change situations with me.

Capt. Eth. Indeed!

Peter. Yes, Captain Bargrove, so it is. A wicked woman changed us in our cradles; but the secret is come out, and evidence is at hand. You must return to obscurity, whilst I emerge from mine. The stars will have it so. Your fortune's told.

Capt. Eth. Nonsense! the fool has been imposed upon. Now, Mr Peter, I'll tell your fortune.

Peter. I thank you. It has been already told to my satisfaction.

Capt. Eth. Nevertheless, it must be told again, although, perhaps, not to your satisfaction. Mr Peter, I can put up with folly, but never with impertinence. Mars and Saturn are about to be in strong opposition, and heavy Saturn will soon jump about like Mercury. The stars will have it so.

Peter. I don't comprehend that.

Capt. Eth. It shall be explained. You, Peter Bargrove, have been excessively insolent to me, Edward Etheridge; in consequence, I shall now take the liberty of giving you a little wholesome correction. [Seizes Peter by the collar.

Capt. Mer. Don't use violence to the natural. He offends more in ignorance than malice.

Peter. Thank you, sir. I see that you are a well-behaved gentleman. O sir! sir! 'tis a vile, ungrateful world. I intended to do something for that young man. (Captain Etheridge shakes him.) Why, yes, I did. I not only intended to allow you forty pounds a year, but to do what would be more agreeable to your sister Agnes.

Capt. Eth. Agreeable to Miss Etheridge! What do you mean, sir?

Peter. Mean—why, I'm not quite sure—recollect, I don't promise; but I was thinking of marrying her. (Captain Mertoun flies at him, and seizes him by the collar on the other side. They both shake him violently.)

Capt. Eth.} { my sister,} } You marry { you scoundrel! Capt. Mer.} { Miss Etheridge, }

Capt. Mer. (letting him go). I am sorry that I was provoked to lay hands on him. Etheridge, I'll leave his chastisement entirely to you.

Peter. Thank you, sir; I always thought ye were on my side. I suppose that was a mistake just now.

Capt. Mer. I certainly had no right to interfere between you and Captain Etheridge.

Capt. Eth. (still holding Peter by the collar). But, Mr Peter, we do not part yet. You may have made your peace with Captain Mertoun, but not with me. How dare you insult me thus?

Peter. I insult you! (To Captain Mertoun.) Arn't you of my side?

Capt. Mer. (laughing). Yes; if you are knocked down, I, as your second, will help you up again, no more.

Peter. Well—but I'm not a nine-pin. Why not prevent him from knocking me down?

Capt. Mer. The stars won't permit that.

Capt. Eth. And the stars ordain this. (Lifting his cane.)

Peter. Captain Etheridge, one word; let go my collar, behave like a reasonable man, and I now promise, upon my word of honour, that I will elevate your sister to my—nuptial bed. (Captain Mertoun shakes his cane, and makes signs to Captain Etheridge to thrash him.)

Capt. Eth. I can bear no more. (Beats Peter round the stage.)

Peter. Oh! oh! My stars again. Why don't you help me, sir?

Capt. Mer. You are not down yet, Peter. (Captain Etheridge continues striking.)

Peter (throwing himself down, and panting). Now I am.

Capt. Mer. Yes, and now I may help you up. Then you may go at it again.

Peter. What! am I to have more of it if I am up?

Capt. Mer. I rather suspect so.

Peter. Then I prefer lying here. You need not wait, Captain Bargrove. I sha'n't get up this half-hour. (Rubbing his shoulders.)

Capt. Eth. You observe, Peter, I told you your fortune correctly. The stars would have it so. I hope, when next we meet, you will be a little more reasonable, and also a little more respectful. If not, I hold your fortune in my hands. (Holding up his cane.)

Peter. Didn't I tell you that you did? Why don't you return it like an honest man? As I said before, I'll make you an allowance.

Capt. Eth. That's more than I will for you, if I have any more impertinence. Come, Mertoun, he'll not come to time, that's clear.

Capt. Mer. No, nor to his fortune or title either, I'm afraid. Good morning, Peter. Ha! ha! ha!

Capt. Eth. Farewell, Sir Peter! Ha! ha! ha! [Exeunt Captains Mertoun and Etheridge.

Peter (sitting up). Come to time—nor to my title and fortune. Well, I hope they'll both come to the gallows. I thought of that as a repartee when they were here, but it was too good to be thrown away upon them. (Rises.) It is very odd that nobody will believe me when the facts are so plain. As Shakespeare says, the "ladder of my ambition is so hard to climb." I presume these are all the sticks I am to get up by. I'm almost tired of it already; but, however, after two misses comes a hit; and I'll try the last. Now to Lady Etheridge, discover myself to her, sob upon her bosom, as the gipsy foretold I should; and then if she is but on my side, why I defy all the men in the family. [Exit.