"THE NURSERY SALOON ON THE RAILWAY"
Reading edition
Our Artist's Notion of what we may expect if the Suggestion were Adopted
The saloon is fitted with refreshment bar, replete with all baby delicacies. Patent swing sleeping cradles can be secured by wire or letter. Rattles can be obtained at most of the large stations. Efficient nurse guards, to look after the babies, travel by all trains. The saloon is fitted with amusing toys, to beguile the tedium of long journeys.
RAILWAY PUZZLE
To find the name of the station.
VICARIOUS!
(On the Underground Railway)
Irascible Old Gentleman (who is just a second too late). "Confound and D——!"
Fair Stranger (who feels the same, but dare not express it). "Oh, thank you, so much!"
UNDERGROUND RAILWAY
Old Lady. "Well, I'm sure no woman with the least sense of decency would think of going down that way to it."
REGULAR IRREGULARITY
Passenger (in a hurry). "Is this train punctual?"
Porter. "Yessir, generally a quarter of an hour late to a minute!"
Perspiring Countryman (who has just, with the utmost difficulty, succeeded in catching train). "Phew! Just saved it by t'skin o' my teeth!"
"'TIS BETTER NOT TO KNOW"
Impudent Boy (generally). "Try yer weight—only a penny!" (To lady of commanding proportions in particular.) "'Tell yer 'xact weight to a hounce, mum!"
APPALLING DISCLOSURES OVERHEARD BY AN OLD LADY IN THE CONVERSATION BETWEEN TWO RUFFIANS IN A RAILWAY CARRIAGE.
First Artist. "Children don't seem to me to sell now as they used."
Second Artist (in a hoarse whisper). "Well, I was at Stodge's yesterday. He'd just knocked off three little girls' heads—horrid raw things—a dealer came in, sir—bought 'em directly—took 'em away, wet as they were, on the stretchers, and wanted Stodge to let him have some more next week."
NECESSITIES OF LIFE
"Yes, my lady. James went this morning with the hunters, and I've sent on the heavy luggage with Charles. But I've got your pencil-case, the bicycle, your ladyship's golf clubs and hunting crop and billiard cue, the lawn tennis racket, the bezique cards and markers, your ladyship's betting book and racing glasses and skates and walking-stick—and if I've forgotten anything I can easily wire back for it from the first station we stop at."
A STRIKING ATTITUDE
Patience on a trunk waiting for a cab
THE RAILWAY JUGGERNAUT OF 1845
AFTER A DERBY-WINNER-DINNER
Diner. "Ticket."
Clerk. "What station?"
Diner. "Wha-stashun ve-you-got?"
"THINGS ARE NOT WHAT THEY SEEM"
Mr. Foozler (who, while waiting for the last train, has wandered to the end of the platform, opened the door of the signal-box, and watched the signalman's manipulations of the levers for some moments with hazy perplexity, suddenly). "Arf o' Burt'n 'n birrer f' me, guv'nor!"
"Third-class single to Ruswarp, please, and a dog ticket. How much?"
"Fourpence-halfpenny—threepence for the dog, and three-halfpence for yourself."
"Ah! you reckon by legs on this line."
THE QUESTION SETTLED
Mrs. M-l-pr-p. "The fact is, my love, that these terrible collusions would never occur if the trains was only more punctilious!"
A Needless Panic.—Mrs. Malaprop is puzzled to know what people mean when they talk of the present alarming Junction of affairs. She hopes it has nothing to do with the railways, in which she has some Deference shares.
Thought by a Railway Director.—Britannia used to rule the waves. She now rules the land—with lines.