IN THE HOT WEATHER TOO!
Reading edition
DRAMATIS PERSONÆ
A Choleric Old Gentleman. A Cool Young Party.
Scene.—A Richmond Railway Carriage.
Time.—About 12 noon.
Choleric Old Gentleman (panting, puffing, perspiring). Hot, sir, tremendously hot.
Cool Young Party. It is warm.
C.O.G. Warm, sir! I call it blazing hot. Why the glass is 98° in the shade!
C. Y. P. Really! is that much?
C. O. G. Much, sir! Immense!
C. Y. P. Well, then, the glass is perfectly right.
C. O. G. Right, sir! I don't understand you, sir. What do you mean by saying it is right, sir?
C. Y. P. I mean that the glass is quite right to be as much in the shade as it can in this warm weather.
[Choleric Old Gentleman collapses.
THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID
"I'm afraid we shan't have this compartment to ourselves any longer, Janet."
"Oh, it's all right, aunty darling. If you put your head out of window, I dare say nobody will come in!"
A SCENE AT A RAILWAY STATION
Groom. "Beg pardon, sir,—but wos your name Tomkins?" Tomkins. "Yes!" Groom. "If you please, sir, master says he wos werry sorry as he couldn't send the feeaton—but, as his young 'oss wanted exercise, he thought you wouldn't mind ridin' of 'im!"
[Tomkins bursts into a cold perspiration.
Suburban Hospitality. Scene—A mile and a half to the railway station, on a bitter winter's night.
Genial Host (putting his head out of doors). Heavens! what a night! Not fit to turn a dog out! (To the parting guest.) Well, good-night, old chap. I hope you find your way to the station.
A LUXURIOUS HABIT
Philanthropist (to railway porter). "Then what time do you get to bed?"
Porter. "Well, I seldom what yer may call gets to bed myself, 'cause o' the night trains. But my brother, as used to work the p'ints further down the line, went to bed last Christmas after the accident, and never——"
[Train rushes in, and the parties rush off.
Hard Lines on Individuals.—The compulsory purchase of land by a railway company is insult added to injury. The buyers take a site in the seller's face.
"The Roll of the Ages."—The penny roll at railway refreshment-rooms.
"THE OTHER WAY ABOUT"
Irate Passenger (as train is moving off). "Why the —— didn't you put my luggage in as I told you—you old ——"
Porter. "E—h, man! yer baggage es na sic a fule as yersel. Ye're i' the wrang train!"
Railway Porter. "Dogs not allowed inside the carriages, sir!"
Countryman. "What not a little tooy tarrier? Wall, thee'd better tak' un oot then, young man!"