DESPAIR

One day I said, “There is no such thing as love,” and something closed up within me; and although I looked upon people I knew I did not see them. Some horrible apprehension seemed to grip at my heart with ice-boned hands. I felt nauseated and sick. I went home and closed my door and, for the first time in my life, threw my books into a corner and broke my pens and pencils. After that outburst I sat down and tried to think, but all my thoughts seemed draped in long garbs of black crepe that, stealing in and out through my mind like phantoms on tiptoe, gave me no peace. I thought what a failure my life had been and I believed every one had deserted me. I longed to die! I saw your roses, but I threw them on the floor and stepped on them because they seemed fresh and gay; and a thousand sad thoughts rushed through my mind, while I felt as if I were being oppressed by all the nightmares of the world and beating my soul against a closed iron door. Then I remembered that people said “tears soothe the heart;” so I prayed to be allowed to weep, but instantly cursed myself for praying and cried aloud, “There is no God!” And all night long I sat in darkness, staring into space with clenched hands, repeating the words over and over again, “No love, no hope”— “No love, no hope”....