THE BOOK CANVASSER.
Reading edition
The book canvasser iz a red hot being, az untiring az a fox hound, and az free from diffidence az a fish pedlar. He works hiz way into every spot in kreashun, and will often sell a book to a man, for hiz own price, who swore at first that he wouldn't take it az a gift. He will travel more miles in a day, on less hash, than a stage horse, and kan stand more abuse than a chinaman. The book canvasser haz bekum the terror of the land, and mankind hide from him az they would from the taxgatherer, or a case ov the small pox. I rather like the book canvasser, when a man pitches into me, and offers to sell me 650 pages ov "Doktor John Hirsute's modified diagnosis ov the cappilliary attrakshun," and stiks to it untill he gits the book onto me, i am delighted with the man, and proud ov miself. It takes genius to do theze things, and i luv genius in all shapes, whether it appears az the author ov a dikshionary, or the pattentee of bar soap, warrented to take the letterings off from a mile stone in three washings. The book canvasser haz mi hottest prayers for hiz sukcess, and tho i never ov late subskribe for enny thing, not even to buy the new klergyman an independant seckond hand trotting kronometor, still i am allwus reddy to reckomend him to mi nabors.
SLUNG SHOT.
"Throw fisick to the dogs," is a very old proverb, but whare will yu find the dog that will tutch it?
Experience teaches us mutch, but learns us little.
PICES, THE FISHES. Two Perch—possibly one Smelt.
THE CHIPMUNK.
The chipmunk iz the smallest of the squirrell tribe. They are striped goods, having three blak lines wove into them, running the same way the squirrell duz. Az a spekulator in corn the chipmunk stands at the hed ov all the small operators, beating the blujay, in hiz yearly operashuns about a quart. The chipmunk carrys hiz corn in hiz mouth, and when he cums out ov a cornfield loaded with the cereal, his cheeks stik out like a duch baby's. Sumtimes the chipmunk iz kaught and kept in a cage, and iz made to turn a wheel for a living, this iz the only usefull work they hav ever been known to do. I hav often lookt at them at work in their wheels, and dont kno which i pitty the most, the chipmunk, or the party who has to tend them, both of them mite be in better bizzness. They are the only insekt who dig their holes and sho no pile ov dirt at the entrance. I hav asked sevral smart men what bekums ov the dirt, but they all shook their heds and lookt awfull wize. When i waz a boy i used to ketch chipmunks bi running away from skool, and the day that I brought in two ov them waz a big day for me.
CRUMBS.
The devil iz a very cunning phellow, but the blunders he makes allwuss eats up the profitts in hiz bizzness.
A dandy iz an individul whoze usephullness in this world depends entirely upon the fit ov hiz clothes.
ARIES, THE RAM. On the War Path.—The hit ov the seazon.
REMARKS.
Three kard monte iz a game ov chance, the chance iz, that yu will git badly beat, unless yu play it alone. When thare iz 2 plays the game, sumbody iz bound to git hurt. Girls are a more risky crop to raize than boys, if a boy makes a bad blunder, he kan wipe out the slate once, or even twice, and begin again, but a girl kant. I kant tell who old Probabilitiz iz, but he iz a smart kuss, aint he? Whiskee iz one ov the tonicks, i think, but i aint sure, i kno it iz one ov the tanglelegs, for I hav seen it tried often. Yu kan sell a fast horse in Nu York at yure own price, provided he iz fast enuff. But dont bring enny 3 minnitt kattle to Nu York, the ice kream, and the milk men, drive faster than that. Our old fellows, in Nu York, menny ov them who hav seen 70 years, when they go out onto the hard roads, dont take enny but 2.25 dust. Speaking ov kats mi opinyun remains unchanged, they are az full ov flaws, az a March wind iz. Yu kan make a lawyer, or a minister ov your son, either ov them are decent callings enuff, but neither ov them will make him respektabel, unless they are well filled Nuzepaper hacks are harder workt, and poorer fed, than livery stable horses. Authors, and skribblers, az a klass, are a self konsaited, and seedy set, and I believe a literary man, when he gits poor, and shiny, iz the poorest looking kritter on the footstool.
LINT.
No atheist, with all hiz boasted bravery, haz ever dared to advertize his beleaf, on hiz tomb stun
A baby iz a necessity, but twins allwuss did seem to me, to be ov a spekulative natur.
TAURUS, THE BULL. Bound for Wall Street.—Bring on yure Bear.
THE MUSKEETER.
Muskeeters are a game bug, but they wont bite at a hook. Thare iz millyuns ov them kaught every year, but not with a hook, this makes the market for them unstiddy, the supply allways exceeding the demand. The muskeeto iz born on the sly, and cums to maturity quicker than enny other ov the domestik animiles. A muskeeter at 3 hours old iz just az reddy, and anxious, to go into bizzness for himself, az ever he iz, and bites the fust time az sharp, and natral, az red pepper duz. The muskeeter haz a good ear for musik, and sings without notes. The song ov the musketo iz monotonous to sum folks, but in me it stirs up the memorys ov other days. I hav lade awake, all nite long, menny a time and listened to the sweet anthems ov the muskeeter. I am satisfied that thare want nothing made in vain, but i kant help thinking how mighty kluss the musketoze kum to it. The muskeeter haz inhabited this world since its kreashun, and will probably hang around here until bizzness closes. Whare the muskeeter goes to in the winter iz a standing konumdrum, which all the naturalists hav giv up, but we kno he dont go far, for he iz on hand early each year with hiz probe fresh ground, and polished. Muskeeters must be one ov the luxurys ov life, they certainly aint one ov the necessarys, not if we kno ourselfs.
SNOW BALLS.
Thare iz a time for all things, and the best time to hold our tungs, iz when we feel az tho we had the most to say.
The man who gambles, or drinks whiskey, kant chooze hiz assoshiates.
If yu trade horses with a jockey yu kant git cheated but once.—but if yu trade with a deakon yu may git cheated twice.—once in the horse, and once in the deakon =
Perhaps. Josh Billings
Patience iz a good thing for a man to hav. but when he haz got so mutch ov it. that he kan fish all day long, without enny bate on hiz hook,—Lazyness, iz what's the matter ov him.=
Exackly so. Josh Billings
GEMINI, THE TWINS. Dubletts—a lucky throw.
THE BEAN.
Next to rhy bread, beans hav been called by the poets, and philosphers the cumfort, and staff ov life. The bean iz all food, thare iz no more waste in them, than thare iz in a pint ov cold water, when a man iz auphull dry. Beans are all colors, and most shapes, flat, round, oblong, square, and 3 cornered, and a quart ov them put into a pot, and biled 2 hours, will meazzure a gallon, and a haff, when they cum out. This makes them a better dividend paying seed than enny thing we kno ov. Beans are az old az Esau, he sold out for bean porridge. Beans gro on the jump, and thare aint but phew things that kan beat a bean klimbing a pole. I luv beans, but dont hanker for them. But beans, and me wont quarrell. Baked beans are a grate necessity in Nu England, and not to hav a platter ov them for Sunday dinner, iz lookt upon thare az being stuck-up to the neighbors. One ov the old blue laws ov Massachusetts waz, "thou shalt eat baked beans on Sunday." I kan remember now ov eating baked beans, and rhy, and injun bread every Sunday, when i waz a boy, and luving it, bekauze i waz obliged to.
EXAMINE.
The happyest time in enny ones life, iz the fust 20 minnitts after they hav had an akeing tooth jerkt out.
Imaginashun never filled a man's stummak yet, yu kant git pork, and beans, by dreaming about them.
CANCER, THE KRAB. A Shell-Fish—pretty mutch all shell.
QUESTIONS AND REPLIZE.
Q.—What iz the best religious kreed to hav?
A.—Charity. If a man will swop off all the religious kreed he haz got on hand, and invest the proceeds in charity, he will allwus be proud ov the job.
Q.—Will yu pleze define an Enthuziast?
A.—An Enthuziast iz a party who beleaves about 4 times az mutch az he kan prove, and who kan prove about 4 times az mutch az ennyboddy else beleaves.
Q.—What three things hav dun the most to civilize the world?
A.—The Bible, the looking-glass, and the muskett
Q.—Whitch iz the most reddy animile?
A.—The mule—they alwuss sleep standing, so to be on hand when the kiking begins to flow.
Q.—What iz the quikest food on reckord?
A.—The oyster on the haff shell—they kan be et sitting, standing, or on the run.
LEO, THE LION. Strayed or Stolen.—Return to P. T. Barnum.
THE GORRILLA.
The gorrilla iz a free-born citizen ov Western Afrika, and in point ov intilekt, averages well with the rest ov the natives. They are about 5 foot 3 in hight, and hav got a sanguine temper, wuss than a fish womans. I never saw but one gorrilla, and he waz not filled with life, but waz filled with straw. I dont want to see another, it weakens mi respekt for mi ansesstors. They are four legged, and kan walk purpendikular, or horizontal, but when they do walk uprite, they are the wust looking relashuns we hav. They liv alone, and are more terrible in a ruff and tumble fite, than enny person that livs. I hav allwuss wondered whi sum one didn't import one into this country, and match him for 2 thousand dollars to fite in a ring. I am oppozed to ring battles, but when this skirmish takes place, i want to be there, and bet my patrimony on to the gorrilla. May the best man win. The gorrilla haz a good appetight, for one that haint been kultivated, and will eat enny thing he kan ketch, from a coloured brother to an anakondy The gorrilla iz no doubt good for sumthing, but what that iz i kant tell, nor dont want to know. Farewell yu auphull, ugly, mizerable kuss.
The end ov the gorrilla.
WEIGH.
The devil holds poor kards, but he allwuss plays them mighty well.
A man with a very small hed iz like a pin without enny, very apt to git into things beyond hiz depth.
VIRGO, THE VIRGIN, Sweet 16 (sub rosa 38).
QUESTIONS, AND ANSWERS.
Q.—When iz the right time to marry?
A.—Enny whare between 21, and ninety-four years.
Q.—What iz a woman's chief joy in this world?
A.—Her own or sumboddy else's baby.
Q.—Which iz the most diffident, and humbel kritter amung the animals?
A.—A bobtailed kat, probberbly.
Q.—How menny yards ov 5 dollar silk duz it take to make a dress.
A.—I dont kno, but it allwuss takes 2 yards and a haff more than yu buy the fust time.
Q.—What do mankind gennerally take the most pride in?
A.—In sumthing their nabors haint got, nor kant git.
Q.—What two persons in the whole congregashun, need the clusset watching?
A.—A praying pollytisian, and an offishus deakon.
Q.—How iz the best way to git rid ov kokroaches?
A.—Sell out yure house, and lot, and jine the gipseys.
Q.—What cums the nearest to makeing a woman sware?
A.—To hav her clothes line brake when it iz full ov a Monday's washing.
Q.—Which iz the two most thankless jobs in this world?
A.—To keep skool, and be an undertaker.
Q.—How do yu define experience?
A.—Experience iz the science ov finding out how deep a mill pond iz, by wading into it, and drowning.
DOUBLETS.
I kant help but respekt the heathen, they hav made az good a showing on their kapital, az the christians hav.
Next to the mother in law, cums the Grandmother, to regulate the cook, the kat, and the baby.
LIBRA, THE SKALES. For full particulars enquire ov E. & T. Fairbanks & Co.
THE APPLE DUMPLIN.
The dumplin are about the natral size ov yure phist, made out ov dough, and filled with apples. They are served up hot, with sum sweet-tasteing liniment on them, and are az eazy to struggle with az a sugar-plum. They aint so good kold az they ought to be. Kold dumplin, and raw potatoe, eat similar. I never et apple dumplin yet, without thanking the Lord for that one, and the Landlady for another one. Four apple dumplins, at one sitting, iz just about mi size. I wish i knu who invented theze kind-hearted balls, i would like to weep over hiz memory. Punkin pi, and apple dumplin, hav dun az mutch to civilize man az enny two missionarys that hav ever lived. Good vittles iz next to good morals enny how. Yu may talk about virtew az mutch az yu pleze, yu kant never inokulate a man with virtew fust rate on an empty stummuk. Giv a man four apple dumplin, with sum good kind ov ointment on them, and after he haz et them, and they hav settled down to hard pan, yu kan krawl up to him on either side, with a dose of morality, or even sum new kind of sope, for taking spots out ov clothes.
A STATEMENT.
Thare iz nothing about a man that will outlast a nikname, it will stik to him, az long az a bobtale will to a dog.
Most people repent ov their sins bi thanking God they aint so wicked az their nabors.
Thare iz one thing i notiss.—When a man falls down on the ice, whare the water iz an inch, and a haff deep, he never seems to feel proud ov the job =
Josh Billings
The goose, like sumother folks, haz more politeness than thare iz enny need ov.—i hav seen them lower their heds, in going into a barn door, 18 foot high.=
I hav. Josh Billings
SCORPIO, THE SKORPION. When the pinch comes, he is thar.
PUNKIN PI.
Punkin pi iz the sass ov Nu England. They are vittles and drink, they are joy on the haff-shell, they are glory enuff for one day, and are good kold or warmed up. I would like to be a boy again, just for sixty minnitts, and eat miself phull ov the blessed old mixtur. Enny man who dont luv punkin pi, wants watching cluss, for he means to do sumthin mean the fust good chance he kan git. Giv me all the punkin pi i could eat, when i waz a boy, and i didn't kare whether sunday-skool kept that day or not. And now that i hav grown up to manhood, and hav run for the legislature once, and only got beat 856 votes, and am thoroly marrid, thare aint nothing i hanker for wuss, and kan bury quicker, than two-thirds ov a good old-fashioned punkin pi, an inch and a halff thik, and well smelt up, with ginger and nutmeg. Punkin pi iz the oldest Amerikan beverage i kno ov, and ought to go down to posterity with the trade mark ov our grandmothers on it; but i am afrade it wont, for it iz tuff even now to find one that tastes in the mouth at all az they did 40 years ago.
REMARKS.
Noboddy really luvs to be cheated, but it duz seem az tho every one waz anxious to see how near they could cum to it.
The wust tyrant in the world iz the wife ov a henpekt husband.
SAGITTARIUS, THE ARCHER. Sarching for the Bulls Eye.
PERSONALS.
⁂ H. J. B.—If the lady with lavender poodle, would like tew swop dogs, Barney O'Toole iz her man.
B. O'Toole.
⁂ D.—Dont menshun it; mum iz the word. Star ov buty, the goose hangeth hi.
Lover.
⁂ Sweetness.—Virtew iz her own cashier; the violet iz blu; the racoon haz a bushy tail; man waz made tew mourn; meet me at the pea-nut stand.
Harrold.
⁂ Spongkake.—Dost luv me? The kold moon listened when yu breathed a vow in Bridget Costello's ear; dont go back on me Patrik, if thou dost, be jabbers i will hav satisfackshun.
Bridget.
⁂ Bill Mustach.—Dont put on airs; how about that box ov 5 cent cigars yu owe for? Yure wash-woman mourns yure abscence.
Sam Peel.
CAPRICORNUS, THE GOAT. A strong Butter (I don't like strong butter).
