OCTOBER MONOGRAPH. (continued 2)

MORAL.

Q.–What iz pitty? A.–Cheap charity.

MUSHANMILK BILLINGS.

HIS MEMORANDUM.

Mushanmilk Billings waz one ov mi earliest efforts in the way ov ansesstors. He was begot during the 11th or 12th sentury, or thareabouts. He derived hiz name from hiz grate ability tew conquer mush and milk. Titus Odistes, a celebrated writer in thoze days, sez he haz known him tew eat a potash kittle ov puddin and milk, at one sitting. I kant state whether this iz sutch or not, for i never met Mushanmilk personally. He died previous tew mi birth. Titus Odistes also sez, that Mushanmilk had a very sweet disposishun, how sweet, he dont tell us, but from what i kno ov the latter-day saints, amung the Billings family, it couldn't hav bin quite up tew the best brand ov Nu Orleans mollassiss. He waz sed tew be number One in modesty, and sitch like, but this dont exackly conspire with what i know ov the Billings'es. Cheeck haz alwus been reckoned amung our virtews. In taking a square look bak upon mi ansesstors, i find that they were rather a thin set. I find that their ambishun waz the result ov vanity. Their honesty the effekt ov edukashun. Their charity, the luv ov novelty. Their philosophy, able tew bear the stummuk-ake ov others with heroik fortitude, but not worth a kuss in their own; and their virteus generally, more the growth ov their pride than ov their humility. What a pitty! Echo answers, "Jiss so." Man iz an angleworm. He iz. Verily.

MORAL.

Q.–Define salt kodfish? A.–Vittles and—drink.

HEAR THE PAPERS TALK!

We would rather be the author of Josh Billings' Farmer's Allminax for 1875, than be elected captain of a malitia company.

Coonhollow Demokrat.

Josh Billings' Farmer's Allminax for the year 1875, is just hatched out; it is like a Thanksgiving pudding, full of rich things; buy it, and set down in a corner, and read, and be happy once, if you never are again.

Boston Pilgrim.

We have a copy of Josh Billings' Allminax on tap, and draw sweet liquor from it each hour; no man can buy our copy, no man can borrow it, and he who steals it, will finally die.

New Orleans Budget.

Saw my right leg off, lift my scalp up, innoculate me with the contents of a six shooter, if Josh Billings' Farmer's Allminax for 1875 aint the bullyest brick the civilized world has ever laid eyes on.

Texas Daily Bandit.

Josh Billings' Farmer's Allminax is once more in our midst; like an oyster on the half shell, it can be took standing, sitting down, or on the run.

Lowell Examiner.

PRIVATE OPINYUNS OV JOSH BILLINGS' FARMER'S ALLMINAX.

"A pearl ov grate price."

Deakon Mozes Mills.

"I reckomend this allminax to all persons out ov a job."

Israel Pugh.

"Az konsise az a kambrik needle."

E. R. Dunkan.

"This allminax iz az phull ov sharp things az a hedgehog's back."

Ezra Fisk.

"Az natral in the family, and quite az catching, az the meazles."

Dokt. J. Munson.

"Oh lud! i never did peruze enny thing haff so mutch like it."

Widdo Jane Perkins.

"Tis too sweet for enny thing."

Miss Matilda Ann Brown.

"It iz a lofty produkshun, full ov immense wisdum, graphick delineation, and koruskating generalitys."

John Mead, A. M.

HONESTY.

Honesty iz like munny, a man haz got to work hard to get it, and then haz got to work harder to keep it. Honesty iz the best kard in the pak; it iz allwuss trumps, and thare iz no man big phool enuff but what he kan play it right every time. Honesty haz been praised more, and praktised less, than enny ov the virtews, but it stands in need ov no ones praise, and fears no ones rebuke. Honesty iz all the virtew that a man needs, and all that an angell haz. Honest men are skarse, and what i am afrade ov now iz, they are going to be skarser. From Adam's day to ours, and from now untill the judgement time, an Honest man haz been, and will be, "The noblest work of God." Pope's deskripshun ov an honest man iz the simplest, and yet the strongest language, that ever haz been used.

A KARD.

A bizzy-body iz like a ritch cheeze,—full ov little things.

When a man aint good for ennything else, he iz just right to sett on a jury.

The musketo iz born ov poor but industrious parents,—but haz in hiz veins, sum ov the best blood in the Country=

Yures for 90 Days. Josh Billings=

Dont hurry things mi sweet friend. The best time to sett a hen,—iz when the hen iz reddy.=

Try it—Josh Billings.=

Q.–What's yure favourite piece ov skulpture? A.–The mile-stun nearest home.

GRIT.

Grit iz a good thing to hav, but yu dont want too mutch ov it. I hav known folks who had so mutch grit, that they didn't kno when they waz whipt. This dont pay. I like to see a man who aint afrade to fite a wind-mill, when she iz in phull blast, but i dont kare to see him do it, for a wind-mill iz a hard job to thrash, and they dont kno neither when they hav got enuff. Grit and spunk, are two twins, and their mother iz Courage, and their father iz Bravery. I have seen grit, and spunk, and even courage, that didn't hav a bit ov bravery in them. Bravery allwuss ackts from a principle. Grit may be rite, and may be rong. It aint very certain, or partiklar whitch. Gritty men aint allwuss luvly, they are too mutch like sandpaper to handle, allwuss reddy for a skratch. I like grit in everything, except mi hash, thare iz when i kant bear it. Giv every man yu meet a good big haff ov the turnpike, but if he insists upon the whole ov it, the religion ov the Billings family iz to arbitrate the kase at onst. If a man smotes yu on one cheek, turn him the other one if yu like, but dont let him smote that. This aint fair.

ARGUMENTS.

It iz az diffikult to define a sukcess, az it iz to ackount for the meazles.

Coquets make better wives than Prudes do, but thank the Lord, thare iz better ones in market than either ov them.

Q.–What's yure opinyun ov Rats? A.–Poor.

CHARITY.

Charity iz a blessed privilege; it lifts poor human natur up to the level ov the angells, and sheds the lite ov heaven on our pathway. It iz the most butiful ov all the impulses ov the heart, and the eazyest to execute. Thare iz not a thought that goes out kindly to welkum a child ov sorrow, but what iz kredited in the grate book ov everlasting life, under the head ov Charity. Thare iz not a gift, not even a kup of kold water, thare iz not a self sakrafice ov enny kind, thare iz not a virtewous wish, nor a kind hope, but what kan be kounted amung the jewels ov charity. Charity hath no markit-price here, nor hereafter, thare iz menny a penny in the grate box that will kount out brighter, at the last day, than enny dollar that iz thare. But thoze people who are the soonest to melt with charity, are often the soonest to freeze up,—i have seen them so fastidious that they couldn't meet an objikt ov charity, without plunging their hand into one pocket, and taking out a ten cent piece, put it right bak into the other, thus satisfying their charity, and saving their munny at the same time.

JESS SO.

All the philosophy in the world, wont make a hard trotting hoss ride eazy.

One ov the most unfortunate individuals i kno ov, iz a third-rate fiddler.

Q.–How's yure mother-in-law? A.–Helthy, i thank yu, how's yures?

FUN.

Fun is the cheapest fisick that haz bin diskovered yet, and the eazyest to take. Fun pills are sugar coated, and no change ov diet iz necessary while taking them. A little fun will sumtimes go a grate ways, i hav known men to liv to a good old age on one joke, which they managed to tell az often az once a day, and do all the laffing themselves besides that waz done. But thare iz lots ov pholks who kant see enny phun in enny thing, yu couldn't fire a joke into them with a double barrell gun, 10 paces off, they go thru life az sollum az a cow. Menny people think it iz beneath their dignity to relish a joke, sutch people are simply fools, and dont seem to kno it. The Billings family are allwuss on the lookout for fun, it iz sed ov Dexter Billings, one ov our pristines, that he had to be kept under 500 dollar bonds all the time, to keep him from laffing in church. Ackordin to all ackounts this Dexter Billings waz a cuss. Fun iz the pepper and salt ov every day life, and all he really wiz men who hav ever lived, hav used it freely for seazoning.

HEAR YEE.

The man who kan set himself to work, at enny thing, on 5 minnitts notiss, haz got one of the best trades i kno ov.

Virtew that kant whip Vice, in a fair stand up fite, enny time, aint worth having.

Q.–What's yure favourite style of buty? A.–Mi mother's.

EAZY BOOTS.

One ov the eazyest things in this world iz a loose boot, it iz just az eazy az falling oph from a log, when yu are fast asleep. The man who fust invented tite boots committed suiside, so i hav been told, this waz kind in the phellow. But if he had committed suiside before he had been born, it would hav been kinder still. Eazy boots are one ov the luxurys ov life, what the other luxurys are i dont kno, and dont kare. Enney man who kan wear a tite boot, and enjoy it, iz either a martyr, or a phool, it makes but little difference which. Tite boots produce korns, bunyons, and swareing, and thare iz only one thing kan be said in their favour, they make a man forgit all hiz other sorrows. An eazy boot will humanize a sinner faster than two mishionary kan. Vanity iz the Godfather ov tite boots, and just so long az men mistake a number eleven foot, for a number nine boot, just so long we shall see them limping around, with boots on two sizes too small. Next to a klear conshience, for solid cumfort, and every day wear, cums an eazy boot.

HITS.

After trieing for more than 35 years to hav mi own way in all things, i have finally cum to the konklushun, to split the difference.

Everyboddy seems to konsider himself a kind ov moral half bushel, to meazzure the worlds frailtys in.

Mules are like sum men, very corrupt at harte.—I hav known them to be good mules for 6 months, just to git a good chance to kik sumboddy= Josh Billings=

Yu kant do ennything fust rate with a flea on yu,—except sware, and fleas aint afrade ov that.=

Yures respekfully. Josh Billings=

Q.–What's yure favourite flower? A.–Buckwheat flour.

WOMAN.

Woman iz the glass ware ov kreashun. She iz luvly, and brittle, but she haz run up everything we really enjoy in this life from 25 cents on the dollar to par. Adam, without Eve, would hav been az stupid a game az playing checkures alone. Thare haz been more butiful things sed in her praze than thare haz ov enny other animate thing, and she is worthy ov them all. She is not an angell tho, and i hope she wont never go into the angell bizzness. Angells on earth dont pay. The only mistake that woman haz ever made iz to think she iz a better man than Adam.

Adam iz captin, and i am reddy to admit, that he iz often a dreadphull poor one too. Woman iz the power behind the throne, she holds all the best playing kards in the pak, and her own good sense ought to teach her not to be in enny hurry to play them. I hav allwus sed, and i beleaf it still, that the time to be karfullest iz when you hav a hand phull ov trumps.

PRIVATE SENTIMENTS.

If i had 75 children i would be sure and learn 60 ov them to allwus shut the door after them when they went out, and i wouldn't kare whether the other 15 ever learnt mutch or not.

Yung man, yu better be honest than cunning, and it iz hard work to be both.

Q.–What's yure favourite color? A.–Blood bay.

POLITENESS.

What a man kant win in this world bi politeness aint worth having. Politeness iz just as natrul az fun iz, and iz the cheapest way to git a living i kno ov. It haz made more friends than enny thing else ever haz, and haz kept them longer. It dont kost enny more to be polite than it duz to be happy, and enny man iz a phool who kant be either, if he iz a mind to. I hav known it to sukceed whare every thing else had failed, and i never knu it to fail, whare it undertook to sukceed. It iz az eazy to apply az the "poor mans plaster," and it will allwus stik whare it iz stuk. Next to honesty, politeness iz queen bee in the hive, and the man who iz thoroly honest and thoroly polite, haz nothing to fear, or hope for. Politeness, without honesty, iz a good deal risky, but sumtimes the wust we kan call it iz, "a pleazant fraud."

2 FAKTS.

The best abuzed woman ov the 19th century iz the average mother in law.

One ov the most perfekt viktorys yu kan achieve over enny man, iz to beat him in politeness.

Q.–Who's yure favourite proze author? A.–Noah Webster.

EGG NOGG.

Thare iz no fluid known to mortal man, that haz got more bakbone, and less tangle leg, in a quart ov it, than good, old 1776, Egg Nogg. Our grand dads drank it fluently, and thankt the Lord, az it meandered sloly down their thruts. It iz bilt out ov sider, and fresh egg, and iz az phull ov fun, and innosense, az a kittens tail. Enny man who haz moral skruples about drinking a glass ov fresh made egg nogg, had better git hiz morality insured aginst acksidents at once, for he iz in danger ov having hiz morality kompletely eradikated from the face ov the earth. Morality that kant stand egg nogg, iz a weak sister. I luv egg nogg, and hope i allwuss shall. I kant tell yu now when egg nogg waz fust diskovered, nor who the lucky kritter waz who fust found it out, but i would giv 15 dollars at least to know that it waz one ov mi ansesstors. I am orphull proud ov the anshunt Billing'es and enny glory that fluktuates around them, kind ov circumambiates around me. This may look like weakness in me, but it iz natur, and i dont beleav in allwuss snubbing natur. I say let yure natur kind ov go it, onst in a while.

SUM OPINYUNS.

Mi experience in life thus far haz been, that 7, wont go into 5, and hav mutch ov ennything left over.

I hav herd lies so well told that a man would allmost be a phool not to beleave them.

Q.–What's yure favourite perfume? A.–Modesty.

FAITH.

Faith iz the right bower ov hope. If it want for faith thare would be no living in this world, we couldn't even eat hash with enny safety. Human knolledge iz very short, and dont reach but a little ways, and even that little ways iz twilite, but faith lightens up the road, so that we kan see to read the letterings on the mile stuns az we travel. Faith has won more viktorys than all the other pashuns ov the harte put together, for faith iz one ov them kind ov warriors that dont kno when she is whipt. But faith iz no milk sop, but a live fighter, she dont set down and gro stupid with resignashun, and git weak with the buty ov her attributes, but she is the heroine ov a forlorn hope. I think now if i couldn't hav but one ov the moral attributes i would take it all in Faith, and tho i mite make sum fust rate blunders, i would do a rushing bizzness amung the various kinds ov dri bones that iz lieing around loose in the world. Faith haz allwus been one ov the best holts ov the Billings family, from the daze ov Noah, down to now.

HOW IZ THIS?

Experience ackts on sum pholks vitals just az it duz on a bull tarrier, he dont fairly git over one whipping before he begins to look around for another.

The vulgar allwuss notiss everything they see.

The monkey iz one ov our poor relashuns, and skratches hiz hed az natral az a skool boy duz,—and probably for simular reazons.=

Funny, aint it, Josh Billings

Thare may cum a time, when the Lion, and the Lam will lie down together,—i shall be az glad to see it az enny boddy,—but i am still betting on the Lion.=

Truly, Josh Billings.

Q.–What's yure favourite amuzement? A.–Sleeping.

EKONEMY.

Ekonemy iz the art ov allwuss gitting the worth ov yure munny, and gitting the right change bak, and it iz also the art ov making 10 cents, once in a while, go az fur az a shilling. It iz like an ear fur musik, it has got to be born the same time yu are, or not at all. Yu kant larn an extravagant person to be ekonomikal enny more than yu kan learn a muskeeter to quit eating, when he haz got enuff. Thiz iz funny, but it iz too true to laff at. Ekonemy iz the mother-in-law ov Prosperity, and she iz one ov them kind ov mother-in-laws that never made enny disturbanse in the family. Ekonemy haz made more munny in this world than spekulashun ever haz, and thare iz another thing about it, she allwuss hangs on to it. Thare iz only one trubble about ekonemy, it sumtimes runs into avarice, and then all itz buty iz destroyed. It iz better to be a spendthrift, than a mizer. The Billings family hav allwuss bin noticed in history for their ekonemy. Jericho Billings, one ov our primevals, kept the same pair ov boots 26 years, but he wore out 9 souls, and 5 pairs ov upper leathers in the meantime.

HARK!

Cunning men are like a hand saw,—they only hav teeth on one side ov them.

Next in point ov meanness, to doing a man an injury, iz to do him a favour, and every now, and then, remind him ov it.

Q.–Who's yure favourite painters? A.–Sunrize and sunset.

HAM, AND EGG.

Thare are certain things in this world that seem just az tho they waz born for each other, and ham, and egg, are two ov them things. Altho they cum from quite different lokalitys, they must be twins, for they are so often seen together. If i kan hav all the ham, and egg i want, kodphish bawls may tak a bak seat for the present. Vittles and drink hav allwuss been a staple artikle with human natur, and when they play out, i am reddy to quit. Sum pholks are so etherial that they kan liv on the smell ov biled kabbage, but i must hav a chunk ov the kabbage. Pholks may talk about ambrozial nektar az mutch az they pleze, they kant phool me with enny ov thoze kind ov essences, for i hav lived just long enuff to find out, that the best ov society, hav got to hav their biled vittles, kind ov reglar, even if they tak them on the sli, or they will soon peg out. Natur is natur, and she will hav her ham, and egg. Natur iz a little raw once in a while, but she allwuss stands up for her rights, and tho yu may defraud her, yu kant kompromise with her. Ham, and egg, was a bevarage long before Noahs freshet.

TAKE NOTISS.

Good breeding makes all kondishuns ov life equal.

Anger allwus hurts us more than it duz the other phellow which we git mad at.

Q.–What's yure idea ov happiness? A.–Tite gluvs, and eazy boots.

THE PISSMIRE.

The pissmire iz a blak bugg about 23 times az big az the ant, and az phull ov important bizzness az the chairman ov a wimmins rights convenshun. They hav thirteen konsekutive leggs on each side ov their boddys, and allwuss travel on the run. They are like sum men, ever hunting for sumthing to do, but never was known to find it. I hav seen them travel for two hours, bakwards, and forwards, and not git 3 feet from whare they started from, stopping every now and then to listen. The pissmire iz the loafer amung bugs, and like other loafers, livs from hand to mouth. Their home iz a hole in the ground, but call on them az often az yu pleze, yu will never find them in. They git up late, and go to bed late, and are allwuss hungry, and hollow. They are az lazy az mollassis in the month ov Febuary, and az useless az an extra dog in a family. Pissmires are a poor speculashun, i wouldn't giv 50 cents for the whole krop.

REFLECKSHUNS.

If yu are going to giv a man enny thing giv it to him cheerfully, and quick, dont make him git down on hiz kneeze in front ov yu, and listen to the 10 commandments, and then yu giv him 5 cents.

The man who is allwuss confessing hiz sins, and never quitting them, iz the most onsartin sinner i kno ov.

Q.–Who's yure favourite heroine in romanse? A.–Old Mother Hubbard.

WHAT THE PAPERS THINK.

Josh Billings' Farmer's "Allminax" has come again, it is as welcome, and genial, as dew to the parched earth.—London Speckletator.

It is joy for the fireside, it is rest for the weary.—Newburyport Guardian.

Fresher, fairer, more fertile, and funny than ever, may its sweet face look in upon us for all time, delightfull Josh Billings' "Allminax," record of the past, bright promise of the future.—Savannah Amarinth.

How crisp! how tart!—London Queen.

Josh Billings' Farmer's "Allminax" is a bright jewel in the current literature of the day.—Louisville Dispatch.

Bless the dear little waif, we love it, and who shall chide us for loveing!—Lady's Journal.

We have received Mr. Joshua Billings' Farmer's "Allminax" for 1876, and shall notice its contents at our very earliest convenience.—Edinburgh Review.

It's a square deal, chuncky and smart.—Texas Blade.

LATEST NUZE.

Dik Blister waz arrested yesterday bi offiser Pinkerton for trieing tew pass a counterfit omnibuss, on a 50 cent driver, ov the 23' street line ov stages. Held for examinashun.

It iz sed (but not offishall) that Mr. & Mrs. Punchinello will not visit the white mountains next season. Their dauter Betsey Punchinello iz sed tew be engaged to the Baron Von Chalk, and the family will enter seklushun on this ackount.

A writer in Blackwood's magazine estimates that thare haint been, in all, over 200 fleas killed since the flood.

On dit, that Dick Manchester haz quit the 3 kard monte bizzness, and iz starring it legitimately, at Sing Sing, on a 2 years engagement.

We are pleased tew notiss the growing popularity ov Mr. & Mrs. David Jibboom, their respektibility iz now fully established, having appeared on the avenew with a two hoss carriage, and a slitely coloured driver, with a velvet hat band, and two rows of brass buttons.

The latest agony in poodles iz saffron, with steel coloured eyes.

Matilda O'Brigham, four days in her last place, with a karakter, will receive proposals at her residence in makrel row. No objekshuns to going into the country for the summer az companyun tew a lady provided suitable references are given. Lessons on the piano will be taken instead ov the usual presents expekted from the family.

THE DONKEY.

I hav watched the donkey with a grate deal ov pashunt anxiety. They are about 3 foot hi, and sumthing like three foot six inches lengthwize. They hav a normal appetight, and will eat all the time, and more too. They aint partikular about their vittles, and will tri hard to swallo a hoss shu, but they kant do it. The donkey iz one ov naturs jokes, a sort ov pun on a horse, which i could never see the point to. They are az sett in their ways, az a gate post, and are the only live things that are too mutch for a klub. They will stand more pounding than a sheaf ov wet oats, without shelling out. The donkey haz 2 ears, and only 1 tale, and the ears are to the rest ov their boddy, like two steeples to a church. The donkey iz a sober, and misterious kuss. Fairwell yu sad, and thinking kritter, i may never again rite yure memoirs, but whether I dont, or do, I shall allways respekt yu, az a donkey, that's all. Az a cluss studdy, the donkey iz az full ov interest, az a mile stun, with the letterings all worn oph. Donkeys will liv forever, or thareabouts, and retain their buty, and intelligence to the last. Adew you graven image, you solid one, adew!

PONDER.

To lie about a man never hurts him, but to tell the truth about him sumtimes duz.

I think it iz good taste, and also good judgement, when a man prays for the sins ov the people, that he should count himself in.

I hav known men so pious that when they went out a fishing on Sunday, they allwuss prayed for good luk

a fakt, Josh Billings

The fly is a friendly kritter, tho i never see him the wuss for liquor,—but i hav often seen liquor, that waz a good deal the wuss for flys.

Jess so Josh Billings

Q.–Who iz the meanest man? A.–He who peeks thru a key hole.

THE VEGATABEL BITTERS MAN.

Whenever a man gits ded broke, and kant think ov nothing to raze a breeze with, and hiz uncle wont hav him boarding at hiz house enny more, and the heels ov hiz boots hav knawed the bottom ov his pantaloons all off, he takes rubarb root, and a fu katnip blossoms, and sum tan bark, and sokes them for 14 hours in sum cheap whiskey, and goes hedlong into the liver renovating bizzness. He plasters every fence, saw mill log, stun wall, and cow's back, from Portland Maine to Stockton Californy, with red, and yello hand bills, offering to heal the halt, make the blind talk, and the deaf see, and renew the inside, and outside, ov all kreashun, for a dollar and twenty five cents a bottle. He takes rooms at sum fust klass hotel, drives 8 in hand, and never iz seen, only on the jump. He iz az full ov bizzness az a deputy superintendant ov a Sunday skool, on a piknik day, and call on him when yu will, to kollekt yure little bill ov 7 dollars, he haz just left for Baltimore, or wont be home from Nu Orleans, untill week after next. Theze men are not all ov them unskrupulous, they are kunning kritters, who hav found out, that mankind to be happy, must be cheated.

PAUZE.

It iz the prudes in this world that need the most watching, coquets are too kareless to be dangerous.

Most men are like a hop vine, if they dont hav sum kind ov a pole to klimb, and then stik to it, they wont promulgate mutch hops.

Q.–Please define old bachelors. A.–Pickled Krabs.

THE KROW.

I hav written sevral very poplar obituary notisses ov the krow, but find that i hav stated a good deal about them that wazn't jist so, and left unsed mutch that waz true. The krow iz az cunning az a Tombs lawyer, and just about az mutch ov a ded beat. Yu kant ketch one in a trap, and if you should, yu could not bile one in a pot, soft enuff to eat, in 3 weeks. A tame krow, and a civilized injun, may be a moral triumph on the face ov it, but when yu cum to examine the other side ov it, yu will find that yu hav overdid the bizzness. If all the krows, and injuns, in this world were tame and, civilized, yu could bid fairwell to all other manuel, and mental labor, and spend all yure time, and talents, studying the pesky, infernal kritters. Krows assemble in the fall ov the year, 30 thousand ov them, or more, in council, and appoint their deakons for the following year. At this grate kawkuss, rezolushuns ov a inflamitory natur are passed, daming the farmers for putting up skare krows in the kornfields, plans are laid for next years stealings, and each krow swopping wives, the meeting disseminates, and the krows fli away.

HOLD!

Dont keep but one dog, no one but a pauper kan afford to keep three.

If yu are going to make amuzements a stiddy bizzness, ketching flies iz az good az enny.

Q.–What are bording-houses? A.–Asylums for cockroaches.

THE KROTON BUG.

The kroton bug are dirty blak kusses, without enny pedigree, and ov no more use than an extra fli in a plate ov soup. They hang around wet and damp places, and are all the time either going in, or comeing out, ov every krak in that naborhood. Thare iz no begining, nor end, to their number, and if yu bore a hole with a gimblet, enny whare near a plug basin, the next day the krotons will be az thick around it, az tho a nu 3 cent gin mill had just been opened thare. What they liv on no naturalist knows, or dassent tell, and yu kant git rid ov them, enny more than you kan skare the flies out ov a sugar hogshed, by hollering at them. They are allwuss on the move like a grasshopper, but what they are about, or would like to hav, they kant even tell them selfs. Thare iz a powder advertized which they say will klean the kroton bugs all out ov the house in 4 days. I am no gambler, but i will give the powder 7 days the start, and then bet on the bugs. Thare is only one sure way to git the krotons out ov a house, burn up the house and let a strong east wind blo the ashes away.

DWELL.

The devil allwuss keeps the gide boards that lead to hiz dominions, fresh painted, and in good order.

I never knu a man yet who waz allwuss watching his helth, to die enny whare near az soon az he expekted to.

Q.–Define a pig. A.–Pork in pantaletts.

THE KUNTRY SKOOL MOM.

The kuntry skool mom iz allwuss about 23 years, and six months old, and remains rite thare for a term ov years. She wears her hair either kut short, or hanging around in ringlets, and iz az precise in every thing, az a pair ov Fairbanks' improved platform skales. She never laffs out loud, and seldum even smiles, but when she duz, she duz it ackording to the rules laid down by Murray, for speaking, and pronouncing, the English language propperly. She iz the very oil ov propriety, and would rather be four years behind the fashions in bonnetts, than to spell a word wrong, or parse a sentence inkorrektly. The kuntry skool mom seldum dies an old maid, she gits marrid to sum man who haz less larning than she haz, and he thinks (az he ought to) that thare aint another sutch a larnt woman az hiz wife iz, in all kreashun. With all her precise foolishness i luv, and respekt, the kuntry skool mom, she taut me mi letters, and larnt me how to spel, she waz pashunt while i waz stupid, she soothed me when i waz frackshus, and she often (good soul) giv me a titbit from her luncheon at noon time. May Heaven bless, and comfort her, for she iz poorly paid, and iz stepmother to every boddys yung ones.

STOP.

A man will liv longer on onions, and abuse, than on enny other 2 things i kno ov.

Yung man, mark yure goose up hi, two thirds ov the world hav no other idea of value, only by the price that iz put onto things.

Q.–What iz honesty? A.–The wag ov a dogs tail.

THE RED CURRANT

Next to the apple, for every day wear, cums the red currant. They are allmost az necessary, and common, for sweetmeats, in all well regulated familys, az hash iz for brekfasst. They gro on a low bush, and they gro so thick, that yu couldn't stik another one on, without knocking off two. They are about the size ov a dubble B shot, and when they are ripe, are az red az the eye of a wild pigeon. They are az sour az the blood ov a lemon, but plenty ov sugar kures them ov this malady. Currants are good green, ripe, and haff ripe, and are cheaper than herring, and not haff so full of bones. Thare iz a grate menny things i had rather do, in a hot day, than pik currants but i hav dun it all day, when i waz a boy, and got a ninepence at night for the job. I am more than haff a century old now, but i kan look bak and see just how brite, and how big, one ov them ninepences used to be. A hundred dollars aint haff so mutch munny now, az they waz then. I wish ı waz a boy agin, and knu ov life what i kno now, ı would bind miself, if I could allwuss be a boy, to pik currants for a ninepence a day, az long az the currants held out.

REFLEKT

A jealous man iz allwuss anxious to beleave what he doubts the most.

Too grate a luv ov popularity makes a munky ov a man.

Next to a klear conshunce, for solid cumfort, cums an eazy boot.=

Try both. Josh Billings

Dont dispize yure poor relashuns, they may bekum suddenly ritch sum day, and then it will be awkward to explain things to them.=

Undoubtedly so, Josh Billings.

Q.–Define a perfume. A.–Rape ov the flowers.

THE LITENING ROD MAN.

Ever since Adam waz ordered to root, or perish, thare haz been an endless lot ov labor saving masheens, invented, az plenty, and menny ov them az useless, az tudstools in an old meadow. Theze invenshuns are generally pattented, and to be a good pattent rite vender, and sell a man an injun rubber litening rod, who haz allreddy got two, requires more genius, than to be consul to the Azore Islands. I have seen theze litening rod fellows sell a man a rod who wouldn't hav one at enny price, and after they had got hiz house all covered over with one, and got the munny for it, git one onto hiz barn, and pig pen, and git hiz note for them, with his nabors endorsement, for 9 months, with 7 per cent interest from date. I should be a mizerable hand to sell a pattent rite miself, but just the rite kind ov a man to buy one. It iz a grate wonder that I dont own a dozen now, that would be az useless to enny boddy az a pair ov pattent crutches would be to a lame grasshopper. I hav got a grate deal ov pattent rite kuriosity in my compound, and am allways hanging around things that hav got a little mistery in them, but i suppoze i hav got a grate deal ov caushun too. But now I think ov it, kuriosity, and caushun, well mixt, are a hard thing to sell a pattent rite to.

ESPOUSE.

The fust 3 notes i endorsed i had to pay, and i hope it will be jiss so with the next 3.

It aint no kredit for enny man, to work for nothing, and board himself.

Q.–What are sassages? A.–Doggerels.

THE PEACH.

Peaches and kream will convert enny man who iz worth saving. The peach haz a doun on them, like the doun on a maiden's cheek, but it aint haff so plezant to git onto the lips. Peach brandy iz made out ov the peach, this licker haz been called mellow, but like all other licker that i hav tried, it will lay out a saint, just az flatt az it will a sinner. The fakt ov it iz, thare aint no kind ov ardent rum, i dont kare how artless, and gentle the name ov it iz, or how ritch, and mello yu may call it, but what will throw him who wrassells with it, be he phool, or be he philospher. Thare iz only one piece ov humanity that kan stand ardent speerits, and he iz an injun, and he kant stand it, only just long enuff to git civilized. When peach brandy is fust made it iz az hot az a streak ov litening, and just about az sudden. I once drank a tea spoon full ov it warm from the still, and it waz 20 minnitts be fore i could draw a long breath. I waz az hot inside az a chimney on fire. I thought it would brake out and blaze sum whare, but it didn't happen to.

DIGEST.

I konsider all profeshions that are honest, honorabell enuff, but i hav thought, that a travelling korn doktor, waz the last one i should adopt, just for the sake ov glory.

Thare iz one thing about a mule that i allwuss did like, the minnitt that you begin to flatter them, then they begin to kik.

Q.–Define dispepshy. A.–Nightmare ov the stummuk.

THE BUMBLE BEE.

The bumble bee iz a kind ov big fly who goes muttering, and swareing around the lots, during the summer, looking after little boys to sting them, and stealing hunny out ov the dandylions, and thissells. He iz mad all the time about sumthing, and dont seem to kare a kuss what people think ov him. A skool boy will studdy harder enny time to find a bumble bees nest than he will to git hiz lesson in arithmetik, and when he haz found it, and got the hunny out ov it, and got badly stung into the bargin, he finds thare aint mutch margin in it. Next to poor mollassis, bumble bee hunny iz the poorest kind ov sweetmeats in market. Bumble bees hav allwuss been in fashion, and probably allwuss will be, but whare the fun, or proffit lays in them, i never could cypher out. The proffit dont seem to be in the hunny, nor in the bumble bee neither. They bild their nest in the ground, or enny whare else they take a noshun too, and aint afrade to fite a whole distrikt skool, if they meddle with them. I dont blame the bumble bee, nor enny other fellow, for defending hiz sugar, it iz the fust, and last Law ov natur, and i hope the law wont never run out. The smartest thing about the bumble bee iz their stinger.

DISCUSS.

Mice very seldum cum out ov a hole that iz clussly watched.

I fully beleave in ghosts, but I never herd yet ov two persons seeing the same ghost, at the same time.

Q.–Define thunder. A.–Lightning on a bust.

THE YELLO JACKET.

The yello jacket iz ov the wasp purswashun, and iz about one size smaller than the common blak hornet, and iz az mutch hotter, in hiz coolest moments, than enny other bug, az jersey litening iz hotter than ice kream. They are the most krewel fighters in existence, and will hit a man, or beast, four times in a seckond, in the same spot. They are az yello az gold, and when they are good mad, they blaze like a kandle. When a yello jacket gits mad all the way through, he will fite a brush heap on fire, just az quick az he will a mile stun. I hav seen them pitch on to each other, and having killed their man, close up the fite by stinging themselfs to death. Dont go near a yellow jacket's nest in the month of August, unless yure life iz insured, not even a hard shell Baptist, or a missionary, would be safe in that naborhood. They kant tell a friend from a foe, and I think would sting a potash kittle, a dozen times, and not mistrust it waz iron. They make homes for themselfs out in the lots amungst the ploughed ground, and i hav seen them bile out ov their nests like a distrikt skool let out for noon, or a smothered fire, and pitching into the oxen, farmer, and plough, drive the whole party, on the jump, off from the premises.

EMBRACE.

Most men are like vinegar, the older they gro, the sourer they git.

Lazy men, and black ants, are allwuss hunting for a job.

Thare iz no phun in gitting kikt bi a mule, but thare iz lots ov phun in knowing that he kant do it agin.=

How is this, Josh Billings

Falling in luv, iz like falling down stairs.—we never kan tell exackly how the thing waz did.=

In haste, Josh Billings

Q.–Deskribe old maids. A.–Embers from which the sparks hav fled.

THE YANKEE PEDLAR.

Probably the sharpest man that the world haz been blest with thus far iz the natral born Yankee pedlar. He takes to the bizzness just az handy az a yung duk takes to the water, who haz been hatched out by mistake amung a lot ov hen's eggs. He kan see just whare the proffit lies in a dicker, and aint afrade to invest hiz whole pile, at a minnitt's notiss, in an assorted lot ov goose yokes. He begins life yung, and like the bizzy ant, gits up arly, and eats on the run. Az long az he keeps honest he iz sure to sukceed, but sumtimes hiz genius iz too mutch for hiz integrity, and every boddy gits to be az frade ov him, az they are ov a hornet. The hornet iz the smartest bug in kreashun, but haint got no friends. The world luvs to be cheated, but they want to hav it dun bi an honest man, and not bi a hornet, and then they never seem to git tired ov it. I hav seen Yankee pedlars who allwus cheated every boddy they traded with, but they allwuss did it so honest, and square, that every boddy seemed to be happy when their turn cum. But the old fashioned Yankee pedlar, with his little red painted kart, and bobtail pony, like the letterings on the mile stuns, iz fast fading away.

SEIZE.

Stik and hang yung man, it iz the last six inches in a race that allwuss wins the munny.

If yu want to find out just how mean, and dishonest, yu hav allwuss been, git a nominashun, and run for sum offiss.

Q.–What are oaths? A.–Sin in italicks.

THE KUNTRY HOSS JOCKEY.

For a red hot speciality, yu hav got to hunt kreashun cluss, to find an equal, to the kuntry hoss jockey. He iz allwuss a man ov plezant temperament, vain ov hiz opinyuns, often ov more fancy than judgement, and quik to decide. He haz but little real affecksun for a hoss, and only luvs him, for the cheat that iz in him. He iz allwuss reddy to trade for enny thing, from a yerling kolt, to the kavalry hoss that Gen Butler rode, at the battle ov Brandywine. He never knows when he gits cheated, and ever thinks, that the last nag he got, iz the best one he ever owned. He iz not bothered with too mutch conscience, and would az soon lay out a travelling preacher in a swop, az hiz own father-in-law, and do it without enny malice, but just for the honor ov the profeshun. I dont kno whi it iz, that a man kan trade cows and be pious, or swop oxen, and be a good deakon, or even negoshiate dogs, and be lookt upon favourably, but when he goes into the hoss trading enterprize, if he kant cheat, he haz mistaken hiz calling, and aint happy. The hoss jockey iz sumtimes honest from policy, and the man who iz simply honest from policy, needs az mutch watching az a hive ov bees do, who are just gitting reddy to swarm.

DISKOUNT.

If yu want to find out the utter weakness ov munny, just try to hire a dubble tooth to stop akeing.

A boy will learn to sware well, in just haff the time it takes to learn the 10 commands.

Q.–What iz a fiddle? A.–A ticklish thing.

PREVAILING SENTIMENTS OV THE PRESS.

Josh Billings still livs, and his Allminax for 1877 iz full ov joy for the sad, and rest for the weary.

Atlantik Monthly.

How natural, how happy, how concise, how forcible, it is, Josh Billings' Allminax for 1877.

Appleton's Journal.

Welcome, sweet morsel of delight, ever funny, and ever profound, Josh Billings' Farmer's Allminax for the current year.

Harpers' Bazzar.

Bully for you Josh, hit 'em agin, slay, and spare not, may you outlive Methuseler, and not haul in your gang plank until Gabriel cries, "All a board."

Springfield Republican.

Aroma of lovelyness, perfume of joy, essence of tiltilation, breath of beauty, seance of bliss, Josh Billings' Allminax for 1877.

Lady's Book.

Q.–How iz yure mother-in-law? A.–Pretty well i thank yu, how iz yures?

SUM ABRUPT LETTERS.

Dear Bob.—The most disgusting kritter to me, in the whole ov the United States ov Amerika, iz an overgrown boy, ov about fifteen summers, who haz bekum the terror ov the whole family, and spends hiz spare time hammering the cow, and stirring up the pig, and chickens. If the father, or father-in-law, ov one ov these youths, will lend him to me, if i dont civilize him, or kill him in ninety days, i will agree to forfit 50 dollars, and the cloth for a new alpacka dress.

P. S.—Send on the boy at once, at mi expense, i am just now out ov a job.—J. B.

Dear Steve.—It iz hard work to be in luv and not akt phoolish, but luv iz the only thing i kno ov that makes pholly excusable. Luv haz made sum kind ov a phool ov every man it haz attacked since the days ov Adam, and it made the biggest kind ov a phool ov him. Wisdum, and ambishun iz no protekshun aginst the disseaze, for Soloman evaporated before it like the dew before the morning sun, and even good old David wilted like the hewn grass.

Dear Hank.—When yu strike ile pull out yure auger at onst, and begin to barrell the ile, menny a man haz kept on untill he bored klean thru and sum other phellow kaught the grease at the bottom.

BULBS.

Ministers often point out to us, poor sinners, the strate, and narrow gauge, az the only way to git to heaven, while they hav got a private turnpike ov their own that 2.40 kan be made on.

Waiting to be whipt iz the most uninteresting period in boyhood life.

Q.–What iz the smartest thing that a man kan do? A.–To drink pepper sass.

THE ALLIGATOR.

The alligator iz an original kritter, a chip of the old block, and az ugly to kontemplate az a congo darkey. They are residents ov Florida, and gro 12 feet, and nine inches and then halt. Their teeth are all tushes, and their mouth iz az full ov them az a buzz saw iz. Their eys are sot up, and down, in their hed like a chinamans, and they hav an appetight equal to 18 distrikt skool masters. They are the krokerdiles ov Amerika, and lay eggs az eazy az a hen duz, but dont kackle when they cum oph from the nest. They are grate cowards but aint afrade ov yung pork, or little darkeys, and kan eat all the time, or go without eating, az long az a gold fish kan. The alligator waz made for sum usefull purpose, but like the muskeeter, the bedbugg, and the kokroach, their usefullness haz been karephully hid from us. Yu kan shoot a hundred alligators a day on the St. Johns river, but you kant bag one, and thare aint enny more game in them, than thare iz in a rotten log. They are long lived, and liv, if mi memory serves me right, 4 thousand years, and their grate strength lays in their tails. They hiss when they are angry like a tea kittle, and want az mutch room to turn round in az a fore and aft skooner.

DEW DROPS

I hav known whiskey to make a man generous, but when he got sober agin, he would git square with himself, bi being meaner than ever.

The man who iz rekless ov hiz life holds it at just about its market value.

Q.–What are the 2 luxurys ov life? A.–Eazy boots, and a snug conshience.

THE LOAFER.

The loafer iz a thing who iz willing to be dispized for the privilege ov abusing others. He occupys all grades in sosiety from the judge on the bench clear down to the ragged kritter who leans aginst the lamp posts, and fites flies in August. He haz no pride that iz worthy, and no delikasy that enny boddy kan hurt. During his boyhood he kills kats, and robs all the hens nests in the naborhood. During hiz middle life he begs all the tobacco he uses, and drinks all the cheap whiskey he kan at sumboddy else's expense. During hiz old age he winters in the alms houses, and summers in the sugar hogsheds, and when he cums to die, he iz buried in a dich, like an omnibuss horse, with hiz old shuze on. The loafer cares nothing for publik opinyun, and this alone, will make enny man a loafer. The loafer rather covets disgrase, and when a man gits az low down az this, he haz got az low down az he kan git in this world without digging. We hav no reliable ackount ov the fust loafer, and probably shant hav ov the last one, but in mi opinyun, they hav existed just about az long az man haz. If Cain want a loafer, pray what waz he?

TIT BITS.

Woman hav allwuss been more than a match for man, Adam held the best kards, but he didn't kno how to play them well.

Thare iz one trait ov the human karakter that the devil himself must envy, and that iz, the more we hav injured a man, the more we dispize him.

Q.–Who fust struk ile? A.–Jonah

ARTIKLES OV FAITH.

Heaven bless the stummuk ake, if it want for this, menny ov us deakons wouldn't hav no good excuse for hot rum.

The saddest ov all sights sad in this world, iz a child with a broken spirit.

Man kant make cirkumstanses, but he kan take them bi the horns, insted ov the tale.

Dont parade yure sorrows before the world, but bury them az the dogs do their old bones, and then growl if enny boddy offers to dig them up.

Klubs are a place whare most people go to git rid ov themselfs.

A trained child to me iz a kind ov horror, i like to see them rekless with innosense.

The boy who iz pikt out to be the genius ov the family is allwuss sure to be the biggest dohed in the whole lot.

The only way to tire a phool out, iz to listen to him, and agree to every thing he sez =

Affekshionately Josh Billings

I hav seen men load a dubble barrell gun klear up to the muzzell, to kill a chipping bird with, and git knokt hed over heels, when. the gun went off.—and miss the bird besides.=

A literal fakt, Josh Billings

Q.–What kind ov a pen do plagarists use? A.–A steal pen.

SHORT REPLYS.

Dear Luke.—I kant bear to see enny man strike a dog, i kno dogs are full ov fleas, but i kno they are full ov affeckshun too. I am very sad when i think that affeckshun iz no protekshun to man, nor kritter in this kold, and ironklad world. It would seem that a lamb ought to git along thru life more fluently than a hornet duz, but they duzzent, and i also notiss that the most suckcessful hornets are thoze who are bilt with a stinger on both ends ov them. I love the lambs, but respekt the hornets.

Dear Mose.—All the humorist that i am acquainted with are sad, and sober kusses. I never knu a fust rate humorist who waz a good laffer, they are willing to make other people laff, but prefer themselfs to stand by and look on. If Mark Twain should be kaught laffing, hiz friends would immejately put him to bed and send for hiz family physician. Nasby, the grate politikal satirist, waz never known to smile but once, and then he, and Pogram, were in the bak end ov the grosery at the crossroads, but the cauze ov hiz mirth iz a profound sekret to this day. The best laffers i hav ever knu, whare thoze who lafft at their own jokes.

SPLINTERS.

If yu are determined to bet enny how, bet yure bottom dollar the fust time, and then go into sum more respektable bizzness.

Thare are no weeds in this world that wilt so quick, az the weeds ov the widower.

Q.–What iz yure favourite name for a Boy? A.–George Washington, Lafayette, Napoleon, Ulyssess Grant.

THE SPIDER.

One ov the most ingenious, and hardest workers amung the whole lot ov little bugs in kreashun iz the common spider. They will do more work on a web, in six hours, than a man could do in his whole life time, and do a mutch better job into the bargin. Spiders are the meanest reptiles that hang around the footstool, for they are the only ones that i kan think ov now, that set traps for their viktims. They are az mean az a man in this respekt. Thare iz no fun in a spider, he iz az lonesum az a mizer, he spends hiz whole life making webs, and watching them, and allways lays at the mouth ov hiz hole, reddy to back in out ov danger. A man will go out ov hiz way rather than step on a kricket, and would rather skare a fly than kill him, az sazzy az he iz, but he goes for a spider with both feet, and seems to feel melankolly if he happens to miss him. Spiders hav no friends in this world, and the reazon must be bekauze their naturs are viscious, and cunning. Theze two traits will make even man an outlaw, and they akt just the same way on the spider. I dispize the spider, and aint afraid to tell him so.

DREGS.

Every man thinks he iz the principal bull frog in the puddle, and rather than argy the case, i am willing to think so too.

Mizery luvs company but iz allwuss jealous,—there never waz a man yet but what thought hiz lame back was a good deal lamer than hiz nabors.

Q.–What iz a mint julep? A.–A refuge for cheap whiskey.

THE MILKSOP.

The milksop iz a human being who has not the stamina ov a man, nor the weakness ov a woman. He iz a hibrid ov the nuter gender, without karakter enuff to make him respekted, or dispized. These kind ov pholks are innosent enuff if they are well watched, but they need az mutch watching az a blind baby duz. They occupy quarters about haff way between a phool, and an ideot. If milksops would only keep still but few would suspekt them, but how strange it iz, that the thinner a man iz, the more anxious he iz to get into a strong light.

THE MIZER.

The mizer digs hiz heart out hollow to stow away hiz munny in. He akumulates bi littles, and never opens hiz harte, only on a krak, to let another shilling in. An old mizer iz a sad sight enuff, but next to an ideot, a yung mizer iz the most revolting thing on earth. Mizers enjoy what they dont use, looze what they save, and die possessed ov the only treasure that iz ov no use to them. The most terrible sarkasm iz a mizers phuneral, the heir often makes it gorgeous, and expensiv, and then pitches hedlong into the pile the old phool haz left.

CHALK MARKS.

Advice iz generally like the bred and cheese we giv to beggars, thrown over into the fust vacant lot they cum to.

Bigots, enthusiasts, and clothes pins, all hav the same sized heds on them.

Q.–Pleze to define buty? A.–Buty iz a blank catridge.

LAZYNESS.

Lazyness seems to be az natral az onions, and just about az helthy too. The lame, and the lazy, hav allwuss been provided for, sumboddy haz allwuss waited on them, and sumboddy allwuss will. I dont luv lazy pholks, i dont even respekt them, but i kant help but admire the way they eat. I never knu a lazy man that didn't hav a good appetight and a square digestion. Lazyness iz the fust law ov natur, and for that reazon is entitled to sum respekt. Lazy folks are allwuss good natured, i hav seen them so docile that they wouldn't fite flies. Lazyness iz often mistaken for shifflessness, but thare iz az much diffrence az thare iz between a hornet, and a fly. I had rather watch two raskalls than one shiftless kuss. Thare are sum things that will hurry lazyness, but death is the only sure kure for shifflessnes.

LAFFTER.

Laffter iz the joy ov the soul comeing to the surface to hav a good time. The mule kant laff, and the devil wont. Laffing iz az natral az the meazles, and allmost as ketching, but the man who will laff when he dont feel like it, iz a grate koward to say the least, and may be a grate villain. Next to logick, to prove things, cums laffing, and the hardest man for ennyboddy, or enny thing, to beat, iz he who laffs at every thing.

GIMBLETS.

I hav figgered onto it, and find that civilizashun kosts about 90 cents on the dollar.

One quarrellsum dog will demoralize all the curs in hiz naborhood.

Q.–Who iz the best lawyer? A.–He who duz the least bizzness.

THE DUK.

The duk iz a foul, naturalists say so, and common sense teaches it. Wild duks are very good shooting, and very good missing too, unless you understand the bizzness. I hav shot at them all day, and got nothing but a few tale feathers, but that satisfied me, for i am crazy for all kinds ov sport, you know. Thare are sum kind ov duks that are very hard to git even if you do kill them. I shot one whole afternoon, three years ago, at sum dekoy duks, and never got one ov them. I never hav told even mi wife ov this, and hope no one will repeat it.

THE SANDY HILL CRANE.

The crane iz neither flesh, nor foul, but a sad mixtur ov theze two things. He mopes along the banks ov kreeks, and wet places, looking for sumthing he haz lost. He haz a long bill, long wings, long legs, and iz long all over. He livs upon lizzards, and frogs, and sleeps standing on one leg, like a gide board. Sumtimes he tips over in hiz dreams, and then hiz bill enters the ground like a pikax. When he flies thru the air he iz az gracephull az a wind mill that haz broke away from its fastenings. Cranes are not very plenty on this earth, but at the last quotations, the supply just about equals the demand.

BLOSSOMS.

The reputashun that a man gits from hiz ansesstors often wants az mutch altering to fit him, az their old clothes would.

How menny people thare are in this world who work for the devil all the time, and then look to the lord for their pay.

I dont never expekt to hav enny Poodle, but if i ever do, he must make up hiz mind to be tied onto a long stik every Saturday and be used for washing windows on the outside=

Jess so. Josh Billings.

If i kan hav all the salt makrell i want for brekfasst, I kan manage to make the other two meals out ov kold water.=

Yes. Josh Billings.

Q.–Will yu define luck? A.–Luck iz driftwood.

AN EPISTOL.

Dear Snyder.—Yu tell me that yu hav got the blues, and want to kno how to git shut of them. The following resipees will heal yu in 90 days if yu stik to them klussly. To wit, marry sum delikate only dauter of 22 summers (more or less) and take yure mother in law home with yu to board, this will oil the pores of the sistem, and the blues will eskape like steam out of the noze of a tea kittle. Once more, hire out to keep a distrikt skool for 9 dollars per month, and hash around the naborhood, or take a 3 year old kiking heifer to brake to milk, this will open yure swareing valves, and so hurry the blood, that the blues will leave yu in disgust, and fasten their fangs on to sum other phellow. Againly, go down into sum marsh in the kingdum ov Nu Jersey fishing for frogs in the month ov August, and fish with one hand, and slap muskeeters with the other, and the blues will take the hint and vacate yure natur like a shooting-star. Try either ov the abuv alteratives, dear Snyder, and if they dont work, go into the bak yard of sum Irish woman and kut her clothes line when it iz filled with the weeks washing, and if yu dont git the blues taken out ov yu, and a good deal else besides, yu are a morbid kuss and wont pay for experimenting on.

BUBBLES.

Hero's are skarse, but the man who kan make poverty respektable, is one ov them.

If yu would eskape envy, abuse, and taxes, yu must liv in a deep well, and only cum out in the nite time.

Q.–Who iz the dearest old aunt? A.–The one whoze bank account iz all right.

THE OWL.

The owl iz a grizzly grey package, and haz a grate round face az sober, and intelligent az a cheshire cheese. They kant see bi dalite, but can see by starlite to pik up a pin. They hunt for a living, and are very smart, and sudden, on a field mouse, or a meddo mole. The most wonderphull thing about an owl iz the sollum importanse ov the whole kritter, az he sits on hiz perch, looking over kreashun, just az tho he owned the whole ov it. Next to a newly elekted Justiss ov the Peace, seated on hiz throne, with a poor devil before him charged with the emoshional krime ov stealing a string ov onions, the owl haz more rare, and unfathomable wisdum in hiz face than enny thing on earth. I hav looked at them for haff an hour stiddy, in a shop window, to see if they winkt, untill i waz ashamed ov mi impudense, but theze owls, i found out afterwards, waz stuffed. I would thank enny one to tell me if an owl ever duz wink, and if so, how often. Owls liv to a good old age, but are not good for diet, they are one ov the fu things we kno ov, that the more yu bile them, the tuffer they gro. Biled owl iz the most ungratefull vittles that enny man ever sot in front ov. I never et enny biled owl but once, and that waz 40 years ago, and i kan taste it now, every time i think ov it.

REMNANTS.

I kno ov people so fond ov contradickshun that it wouldn't surprize me to hear them disputing with a guide board, at the forks ov sum kuntry road, about the distance to the next town.

Falling in luv iz like falling down stairs, we never kan tell exackly how the thing waz did.

Q.–Who iz the biggest hipokrit? A.–He who calls vice plezzure.

TRIALS AND PERSEKUSHUNS OV AN AUTHOR.

Josh Billings' "Farmer's Allminax" for the year 1878 is now on our desk, and why will the friends of this man allow him to disgrace himself, and humanity too, by spreading such nonsense broadcast through the land?

St. Louis Advance.

Vile trash! when are we to be released from this annual overflow, this ideotick Allminac? Kind heaven, tell us when.

Milwaukee Daily Bread.

Over Ninety Thousand of Josh Billings' "Farmer's Allminax" are sold each year. How long iz this to continue? Will not the publick arise in their insulted dignity, and drive this pest from the world?

Boston Pilgrim.

Shoot him! shoot the "Allminax" maker.

Arkansas Bowie Knife.

Alass! alass! is there no eskape, is thare no place in the wide world that we can fly to, and be free from this sickening visit—this yearly avalanche? A curse on "Josh Billings' Farmer's Allminax."

Chicago Budget.

THE CUCKOO, AND THE JACKDAW.

The cuckoo iz about the size ov four small robins, and iz one ov the fust birds to tell us that spring haz fairly cum. This iz kind in the cuckoo, and they ought to hav a vote ov thanks, and a gold medal besides. Their song iz a good deal like the song ov a tin whissell, all in one key, but enny kind ov a song, from enny living kreature, iz acceptable. These birds hav one spot in their naturs entirely diffrent from enny animate thing I kno ov, they dont seem to possess the least particle ov affeckshun for their little cuckoos. They never bild enny nests, but lay their eggs in other birds nests, and let them do the hatching. This would be called smart in a man, but seems to me, iz darn mean in a bird. I wonder whare they lernt this trick.

THE JACKDAW.

The jackdaw, like the raven, iz born ov blak parents, and iz about one quarter the size ov the common krow. Their food seems to konsist ov enny thing, and their appetights are az klamarous az a distrikt skool just let out to play, at lunch time. They lay two eggs, and both eggs would probberly hatch out if they waz solid, for the Jackdaw iz bound to liv, and prosper. They luv man, and his ways, and are allwuss found az kluss to him az they kan git.

CHIPS.

The best relief for the rumatiz, that haz been diskovered yet, iz to find sum phellow who haz got the gout bad, and then pitty him.

About the time a man haz got old enuff to travel a good gait on hiz experience, death taps him on the shoulder, and wants him just around the corner.

K.

Kontentment iz not one ov mi strong holts, i never am kontented unless i am fast asleep. If i could hav mi choice, to be thoroly kontented with things az i find them in this world, or be a Rockaway klam, i would be the klam.

L.

Luv iz a game for young folks to pla at, but when a man gits az old, and az homely az i am, and takes a hand at it, he iz sure to git ukered. If ten waz the game, Cupid could giv an old phellow seven points, and then beat him badly.

M.

Milk Puntch iz a fluid that i do luv extrornary well, and aint ashamed to oun it. But whether it iz the milk in it, or the puntch in it, that suits me so well, i aint obliged to tell. Human natur iz weak yu kno, and needs a little puntching up, in a hot day.

N.

Nonsense iz one ov mi prinsipal weaknesses, i luv it in any shape, but az quails on toast improve the quails, and dont hurt the toast, so i prefer to hav mi nonsense bilt on sense. Good nonsense iz one ov the rarest artikles in the literary bazaar, and allwuss commands admirashun, and fetches a good price.

SQUIBS.

Human beings are natral slovens, yu hav got to hold a yung one tight to wash hiz face the fust time, and to comb hiz hair, yu hav acktually got to run him down.

The man who haint never bin cheated, dont kno so mutch az he will sum day before long perhaps.

THE CENTAUR.

The centaur iz not an Amerikan, but blooms in the land far away to the eastward, whare the muskeeto iz unknown, and whare the pensiv kokroach putteth in no appearance. He is haff horse, and haff sum other phellow, and hunts for fun, and sumthing to eat. He haz got a hed on him like Demostheneze ov old, and wears hiz hair short in front, but flooded down on hiz nek, and over hiz shoulders, like a growth ov yung hop vines, in a hot house. Hiz instrument iz a bo, and arro, and he kan assassinate the stupendous elephant 440 yards distant, or pik a single feather off from the top ov a humming birds hed on the fly The centaur allwuss hunts on horsebak, and leads a free and cheap life. When in the ackt ov shooting the vast elephant, or the remorseless tiger, hiz hed iz thrown finely bak, hiz eye gleams like a lost jewell, hiz hair quivers like an aspen leaf, courage smiles in hiz face, hiz breast grows wider, and the muscles in hiz arm hang down like hornets' nests, hiz tale whips the air, and hiz hooffs ov steel ring on the turf. I hav et plain hash untill i am tired ov it, and would like no better phun than to mount a centaur, without enny bridle on him, and with a mermaid in front ov me, and a ghost behind, take a free, and rekless ride, a ride ov genius, to the ends ov the earth. But I suppoze I should git sik ov this, in a day, or two, and want to ride sumthing else.

IMPS.

Poverty haz been called safe, but poverty even, haz got to lock up its mouldy bread, and cheeze, or loze it.

Honesty iz the rarerest welth enny one kan possess, and yet all the honesty in the world, aint lawful tender for a loaf ov bread.

THE AUCKSHIONEER.

The auckshioneer iz an unfortunate individual who duz other peoples lieing for 10 dollars a day, and boards himself. He haz got az mutch jaw az a wolf trap, and as mutch cheeck az a 10 year old mule. He takes up the profeshun quite often on the same principle that a horse doktor duz hiz, not bekause he iz fit for the bizzness, but just to hav one in the naborhood. His gratest pride iz to mingle what he calls humor with hiz talk when he iz on the block, but hiz jokes are gennerally az level az a kold slapjax. He iz at the hight ov hiz ambishun when he haz worried a laff out ov the bistanders, and uses the same rhetorick, and similees, when he sells out a line ov bank securitys, that he duz, when he closes out an old one-eyed pelter, under a chattell mortgage, in frunt ov the kourt house. A kuntry auckshioneer, and a kuntry horse jockey, are two wonderphull cusses, in the rural deestrikts. I hav been an auckshioneer and kno what i am talking about.

THE OLD MAID.

The old maid iz the last gooseberry left on the bush, ded ripe, and reddy to fall off at the fust good shake. She iz sumtimes a leetle hard to suit, but iz quite often the most charming relick in the naborhood. Next to mothers in law, old maids hav been abuzed more than enny thing human, but they all ov them hav a warm spot in their hearts, that enny decent person iz welkum to krawl into, and sun themselfs.

BLISTERS.

Too mutch attenshun to little things spiles a man for bigger ones, I kno a fellow who kan make a fust rate whissell out ov a pigs tail, and this iz all he kan do.

Wit, in a woman, kan never replace the want ov buty.

About the hardest thing a fellow kan do, iz to spark 2 girls at one time, and preserve a good average =

Try it. Josh Billings

I dont insist upon pedigree for a man, or horse—if a horse kan trot fasst. and honest, the pedigree iz all right, if he kant, i wouldn't giv a shilling a yard for hiz pedigree.= so, Josh Billings

INDISKRIMINATE HINTS.

I receaved a circular yesterday inviting me to buy a ticket in a gift distrubiting skeme, i didn't invest, i hav often bought into theze magnificent chances, and all that i hav ever drawed yet, waz the wool over mi eyes. A cow that will leak 18 quarts of milk per diem iz a good one, but one that will flow 30, iz better. This may look like an assershun ov mine, but the more yu look into it, the more milk yu will diskover. Thare aint but fu cows that will giv 30 quarts ov milk a day unless yu irrigate it well. I kant say if it will pay yu to keep a cow, or not, yu kan buy a "Readdy Reckoner," at enny ov the book stores, for 75 cents, and they tell all about theze things. If i waz called upon to advise a Mother in law, i should tell her never to suggest enny thing in the family at all, if she sees the babys stockings agin the stove, burning up, let them burn, if she sees the kat stealing kream, off from the top ov the milk kans, let her steal, if thare iz enny thing lost, and the whole household are hunting for it, and she knows right whare it iz, keep mum, and let them hunt. I kant tell whitch iz the best breed ov lap dogs, all i kno about the diffrent breeds iz that the whole lot are a kussid shame, and noosance. Rats are very growthy, so growthy, that yu dont need but one good helthy rat to commence operations with, and in three years, yu will hav rats to spare.

WAIFS.

Next to going barefoot, for solid cumfort, cums an old shoe.

I beleave in ghosts,—only a little,—just ennff to keep up an assortment.

TWO LETTERS.

Dear Laubenhimer.—I dont know who writ "Babes in the Woods," but who ever did, hit natur. I hav forgot now the diagnosis ov the book, all i kan remember iz, i red it when i waz a boy, and i bought one 25 years after that for mi son, and only last week, bought another for mi grandson, and when he grows up to be a man, and iz wed, and haz results, he will buy it for hiz children. Robinson Kruso, Jak the Giant Killer, and babes in the woods, will wear az long az allminaxes will. I dont kno az thare iz a partikle ov bible truth in them, but they are so wonderphull, that if they didn't never cum to pass, it seems az tho they ought to.

Dear Onderdonk.—Thare iz only one way to brake a kiking heifer, and that iz, to stop her growth bi deth. When a heifer gits to kiking, the smartest mishionary in the world kant console her, she will kik over her own mother, just az liberally az she will a perfekt stranger.

They will allways manage to stand middling still untill yu git the pail just about full, and then for fear they wont hit it, they will kik with both feet to oust, and squeal into the bargain. After they hav kikt the milk over, they are perfektly resighned, and will stand and chew their kud, and let yu milk them for two hours if yu want to.

BUOYS.

The fust man that waz murdered in this world waz the only pure one living at that time.

I like to see all things true to natur, even a hornet that kant sting, is a melankolly failure.

THE RHINOSSEROSS AND THE VIOLET.

The rhinosseross iz strikly a forrin invenshun, and i am glad ov it. They are a one horned experiment, and that horn grows on the tip ov their nose. If they are haff az unhappy az they look, they are the most mizerable kritters ever invented. Their great value is in their skarsity, if they waz az plenty az organ grinders, they wouldn't be enny more of a luxury. If i waz offered mi choice between a rhinosseross, and an anakondy, i should figger on them cluss, for a fortnight, and then refuse to take either.

THE VIOLET.

Little blu eyed innocent, i saw yu one year ago, this very day, in this same cold, and sunless spot, (perhaps it mite hav been yure sister) far away from human eyes, or human footsteps. It waz winter then, so it iz now, but they call it spring. Yu are too gentle for this cheerless place, do the fairys visit yu, and whisper words ov luv and hope. Yu need'nt hang yure hed and tremble, i wont hurt yu, gladly would i swop places with yu, neglected az yu are, yu kant be lost, i may be. Stay right whare yu are little innosent, the fust luv sik maiden i kum akrost, i will send to keep yu company, she will hav a lot ov silly, and soft things, to tell yu.

UNDERGROWTH.

A "Stool Pigeon" iz one, who iz willing to be az wicked az he knows how, but who haz to be taught all the iniquity, ov enny consequence, that he possesses.

Men who hav the most real power, sho it the least, while thare aint a more terrible engine ov the law, than a fresh elekted constable.

THE BACHELOR.

The old bachelor iz born in the maskuline way, but often changes hiz base, to the nuter gender. He thinks he haz got a good lone hand, but in playing it, allmost allways gits ukered. Sumtimes, late in life, he makes up hiz mind to git marrid, and then, allmost invariably, thare are two partys, who are disapointed.

THE QUACK.

The quack knows he iz a ded beat, but he allso knows that mankind luv to be cheated. He allwuss haz sum speshiallity, and the more difikult iz the disseaze, the more brazen iz he, in hiz offers to kure it. He preys upon the unfortunate, and it would be az unprofitable to prove malpraktiss aginst him, az it would bigamy, aginst a wharf rat.

THE DEAKON.

The deakon iz the fust lutenant in a meeting house. He iz a good christian man, but hiz kreed iz too often az mutch bother to him, az a yoke iz to a goose. He iz az full ov bizzness, and proviso's az a wimmins rites convenshen. He often haz more pitty than branes, and generally, more fuss, than either. A good deakon, in a naborhood, iz a substanshall blessing, and bad deakons, thank Heaven, hav allwuss been skarse.

SOLLUM THINGS.

The world iz bankrupt in morals, and if kind heaven wont settle with us, for 10 cents on the dollar, the devil will git the whole thing bi foreclosure.

Yu may make a servant ov a friend, but yu kant make a friend ov a servant, it aint natral.

THE GRASSHOPPER IZ A BURDEN

The grasshopp iz a flippant bug. He iz likewise a kuss. He iz green for color, and haz several leggs, or more, i disremember whitch. They kan fli, hop, walk, sit still, or run, and are born ov eggs, a dozen from each egg, proberbly. They are an inch and a quarter in length, and are sumtimes a frackshun over. They are laid, hatchid out, git their manhood, and die off in 75 days, this iz aktual bizzness, and shows enterprize, in a lofty degree. What they are good for, haz been concealed from us, for wize reazons, but the evil they kan commit, iz sumtimes equal to a famine. I hav seen every green thing, on the flatt ov the earth, for 50 miles in diameter, et up bi them, and millyuns ov them besides starving to deth. I have seen the air filled with them like a shower ov sand, and nothing but stone fences, and McAdam roads, proof aginst their appetights. To be et up bi grasshopps, to be consumed bi muskeeters, or mangled bi a mule, hav allways been the three deaths that i hav voted aginst. But az mutch az i fear the dedly hopper, i had rather face a mile square ov them, all alone, in the month ov August, or i had rather cross the Newark marshes, bi moonlite, in Juli, when muskeeters are in their consumate glory, or even fondle the sportive mule, than to hav a nusepaper kritick, who writes for 8 dollars a week, git after me.

CAMBRIK NEEDLES.

The slowest time on reckord,—is skool time.

The man who forgivs, and dont forgit, compounds for 50 cents on the dollar.

I dont take enny phoolish chances, if i waz called upon to mourn over a ded mule, i should stand in front ov him, and do mi weeping.=

J. Billings Esq.

When a man gits to going down hill, it duz seem, az tho every thing had been greased for the ockashun.

Josh Billings

THE APPLE.

The apple iz the oldest fruit on reckord, and one ov the best. The fust ackount we hav ov it, was in the gardin ov Eden. Eve iz sed to hav et the fust one, and pronounced it good, and made Adam take a bight. The eating ov this apple never has been konsidered mutch ov a hit for the rest ov us. The apple will keep longer than enny other fruit, if it aint eaten, and kan be workt up into apple sass, and dumplings, with grate suckcess.

I kan tell a mans tru karakter, bi what he eats, or drinks, clusser than i kan to hear him deliver a tempranse lektur. Talk of all kinds iz artyfishall, but vittles, and drinks, iz natur. Whenever yu see a man cussing, and swareing at apple sass, and good light dumplings, yu can bet 10 dollars, on mi ackount, that he aint a good fireside man. Apples also, when they are well squeezed, produce cider, which iz next to milk, az a fertilizer. Egnogg owes most ov its glory unto cider. Champane wine would be dredphull skarse in market if it want for cider, and good sharp vinegar would be az unkommon az piety, or tru affeckshun, if it wazn't for cider. Jersey lightning also kums from cider, this iz the only wicked thing i ever knu cider to do. Jersey lightning haz scalded more people than hot water ever haz, and killed more than Minnie rifles.

FOAM.

Thare iz nothing which a chaste, and refined woman detekts so quick as the atmosphere ov an impure man.

Contentment has been praized more, and prakticed less, than enny other condishun ov life.

THE AVERAGE BOARDING HOUSE.

I hav lived in boarding houses long enuff to decide, that most ov them are the most cheerless, and unfriendly places on earth. The alms house, or the hospital, iz a more luvly spot to liv in, than the average boarding house. They are kept bi females, gennerally about 45, or 46, years old, and never gits enny older, who wears a blak allpacka dress, az slippery, and shiny, as a piece ov pattent leather, and who kan blo a butcher klean out ov hiz stall, or lift the false hair oph from the heds, ov one ov her Bridgets, when she gets to argueing the case hot.

Her house iz furnished from top to bottom with faded furniture, the spoils ov a thousand aukshun sales, which iz the only place she visits, except the meat, and vegetable markets Everything on the table, and about the house, inkluding attendance, iz meazzured out at the rate ov about nine ounces to the pound, and the whole thing runs dry, and squeaking like the axles ov a waggon, in want ov grease. Thare iz not one solitary, genuine cumfort, in theze concerns, and men, and wimmin, liv, year after year, in theze hash asylums, cursing them every day, and without the moral force to desert them.

I was once told ov one landlady who kept a party ov four young fellows in her house, two months longer than they wanted to stay, bi putting a ten cent stamp into the hash every morning. The landlady dealt out the hash, and managed to get the stamp every time.

DUST.

The way of the transgressor iz hard,—and there ain't no transgressor kan dodge it neither.

Experience iz about all that old age can boast ov, and how often iz even this ov the bitterest kind.

A LONG PARAGRAFF.

Guessing iz a dredphull poor trade, i had just about az soon hav a man tell me a lie az to guess at a thing, in case ov doubt ask yure wife, when the sun shines wimmin are butterflys, and luv to bask in its rays, but when the dark hours cum, and even hope begins to look over its shoulder, ask yure wife about it, and she will either puntch a hole thru the klowd, or lift up one corner ov it, and sho yu a star, I luv babys, i luv them bekauze they are aktually necessary, I luv them bekauze they wont lie, I luv them bekauze they may be the next president sum time, i luv them bekauze i waz a baby once miself, and perhaps sumboddy loved me, i hav sumtimes thought gamblers were az honest az they kan afford to be, they allwuss giv notiss before hand that they will cheat you if they kan, I beleave in one wife, one dog, and one friend, with a few cheerfull acquaintances thrown in to make up the assortment, doenutts and cheeze are lawful tenders in Nu England, nine doenutts, a quarter ov a pound ov old cheeze, and a pint ov sharp sider, iz a luncheon fit for a nuly elekted Justiss ov the Peace, or a trakt pedlar, dandys are things ov the past, I havn't seen a regular full blossomed, old fashioned dandy, going on now seven years, I* * * * * *