OCTOBER MONOGRAPH.

October iz one ov the fall months, Adam iz sed tew hav fell this month, but sich assershuns are like standing oph a half a mile, in a cloudy day, and guessing at the number ov fleas on a dorg, more sincere, than sartain. The strongest attrakshun for me, in this month, iz her natral cider; the man who don't admire good natral cider, must be a condem phool.

Prepare for a hard winter during this month, bi repenting ov yure sins, and gitting up a good big wood pile.

PECK'S CHURN, AND BRISTOW'S SOWING MASHEEN.

Theze churns are the pride ov invenshun, the genius ov improvement, a viktory over time, and a conquest ov labor. They will fetch butter from cream in 2 seckonds, from milk in 2 minnitts, and from water, inside ov a very short time. Better be without a spellin book, or even a pack of kards, in a growing family, than not tew hav one ov Peck's Churns. Peck iz a philanthropist, every housewife in the world, should put on a clean white apron, hold up both hands on high, and shout, Bully!! oh! Bully! for Peck.

Buy Bristow's double-thread, cross-stitch, rivet-seam, dovetail-hemmer, lighting-movement, krank-moshun sowing masheen. Theze masheens took all the premiums at the late lamented Paris imposishun, and one ov them, which waz sent tew a farmer in Tiogy county last fall, on trial, sowed up the whole family in a hard not, in less than three days, besides sowing fourteen acres of winter rye.

Q.–Will you pleaze to state what lies are? A.–Lies are the grease on the snaiks belly.

NOVEMBER MONOGRAPH.

Everyboddy wants tow be sassy at November—to turn her the cold shoulder—tew nuss all their old akes anew—tew look az sour az a pot-bellyed pickle—tew hunt for a kat's tale tew step at,—but i aint! November iz when i harvest mi happiness, when i gather into mi pious korn krip, the moral sowing ov the whole year. I am only sorry for one thing during the month ov November, and that iz, that i am sich a poor, weak, unsartin, sinnerly cuss, and that mi nabers aint much better than i am.

SUM MORE HINTS TEW BOARDIN-HOUSE KEEPERS.

1st. If your boarders take sugar, and milk, in their kaughphy, dont put in mutch sugar, bekauze yu kno they hav milk, and dont put in but little milk, bekauze they hav sugar.

2d. Bukwheat kakes made out ov wheat bran kost less, and soak up molasses more carefully.

3d. In negotiating for sassige, do yure bizzness with the bolony men, then you kno what yu are gitting yu kant alwus tell what country sassige kontains.

4th. Be kind tew cockroaches, for they often make a plate of butter last a whole week, and when you pray, alwus pray for the light eaters.

Q.–What iz the eazyest vittles tew digest? A.–A good joke.

DECEMBER MONOGRAPH.

This iz the last month in the Josh Billings Farmers Alminax. Other dutys, ov a maskuline natur hav forced us tew haul in our gang plank. We would like tew hav hung on a month or two longer, and made a big thing ov it. Dear Reader we must part, and it iz like pulling angleworms out ov their holes, almost sure tew part the angleworms. I shall think ov yu az long az i liv, please tew resiprokate, when yu remember me, by uttering a tear. I hav taken a kontrakt tew remove the muskeeters from the State ov Nu Jersee, west of the Rocky Mountains, tew their new reservashun, and i am anxious tew git the bulk ov them started before they thaw out. I may lose mi life in the undertakin, but i have bin told by good judges, that it is sweet tew die for ones country. I kant tell whether this iz so or not, i never tried it. Good bye, this kussid muskeeter kontrakt iz wearing on me.

FAMILY MEDICINE.

Joel Biggs' Sticking Salve.

Q.–Let us hear yu define water? A.–Water iz,—iz goose bitters.

EXTRA EKLIPSES FOR THE YEAR 1870.

There will be eklipses this year which have been overlooked by other Allminax makers.

First.—Thare will be semiockasional eklipses ov the moon, kauzed bi brandy smashes gitting between that virtewous and pale old woman, and the eyes ov sum ov our most promising young men.

Second.—There will be a few eklipses ov the Son, kauzed bi the old gentleman cutting oph the supplys ov Charles Fitz Henry Augustus. (Bully for the old gentleman.)

Third.—Thare will be domestik eklipses (visibel only tew the naked eye) kauzed bi the new Comet Sorosis jumping out ov her pasture, and cantering around promiskuss.

Fourth.—Thare will be teetotal eklipse during the whole of the Year 1870, ov all other Allminax, throughout the earth, upper and lower kanada, and sum parts ov Nu Jersee, kauzed bi the immense circulashun ov the Josh Billings' Farmers' Allminax.

RULES, BY-LAWS, AND REGULASHUNS.

1. Conduktors are positively forbid trieing tew pass each other on a single track.

2. Passengers are warned ov the great danger ov standing on the platforms,—menny a promising man haz lost hiz life by having a platform drop from under him.

3. Positively no droves ov cattle or swine allowed on this road unless they are travelling the same direckshun the trains are.

4. Engineers are earnestly requested tew keep their cow ketchers well greased, and will bear in mind that when a cow iz ketched the hide belongs tew them; but the beef and tallo iz tew be sent immejiately tew the president of the road.

5. Enny switchman running a train oph from the trak will be find 10 dollars, and interest on the fine at the rate of 4 per cent per annum untill the fine iz paid.

6. No konduktor iz invited tew remain on this road 10 minnits who hasn't heard ov the 10 commandments, espeshily the one which sez "thou shalt not spondulick thyself with the dimes ov another."

7. No charges made on this road for coroners' inquests.

HOW THEY DO TALK

ABOUT

FOR THE YEAR 1870.

"Giv me liberty, or giv me deth, but if i kant hav either, giv me Josh Billings' allminax for 1870."

"It kured mi wife ov wanting to die."

"It iz like peper sass in a hot day."

"The Billings Allminax will go father in a family than 12 dozen ov ginger popp."

"When i am sad and lonely, i fli tew its pages, like a bumblebee tew a full blown dandylion."

"It gave me grate presence ov mind."

"My wife brings up her ophspring, and duz all her plain sowing bi yure allminaxes."

"How cooling, and perforating it iz."

THE NATRAL HORNET

The hornet iz a red hot child ov natur, ov sudden impreshuns, and a sharp konklusion. The hornets alwus fites at short range, and never argy a case, they settle all ov their disputes bi letting their javelin fly, and are az certain, and az anxious tew hit, az a mule iz. Hornets bild their nest whereever they take a noshun to, and seldum are asked to move, for what would it profit a man tew murder 99 hornets, and have the one hundred one hit him with hiz javelin. I kan't tell you jist tew a day how long a hornet kan live, but I kno from experience, that every bug, be he hornet or sumboddy else, who iz mad all the time, and stings every good chance he kan git, generally outlives all ov his nabors.

DOMESTIK RECEIPTS.

To make good ginger-snaps, take one pound of ginger, stir in a half dozen ov lively snaps, do them to a brown, and then lock them up, or the yung ones will hook them.

To learn a dog tew follow well, tie him tew the hind end ov an express train.

To find out whether a man has got a good moral karakter or not, ask him pleasantly.

To cure herring,—use Godfrey's Kordial.

THE PROMISCUSS COCKROACH.

The Cockroach iz a bug at large. He iz one ov the luxurys ov civilizashun. The Cockroach iz born on the fust ov May, and the fust ov November semi-annually, and iz reddy for use in fifteen days from date. They are born four from each egg, and consequently they are all twins; thare iz no sich thing in the annals ov natur, az a single cockroach. Their food seems to consist, not so mutch ov what they eat, az what they kan git into, and often finding them ded, in the soup, at mi boarding house, I have cum tew the painful conclushun, that the cockroach kan't swim, but that he kan float for a long time.

HINTS TEW YUNG WIFES.

1. Don't undertake tew liv with yure mother-in-law, but if wuss cums tew a wussness, let yure mother-in-law liv with yu.

2. Never let yure husband kno more than one haff the affeckshun yu hav for him.

3. Don't name a yung one after a bachelor brother, nor a bachelor sister.

4. Observe theze rules fondly, keep yure feet dri, and yure hair slick, and yu will prove a model wife, (and after that), an acceptable widder.

I notiss one thing,—the man who rides on the kars every day, iz satisfied with one seat, but he who rides once a year, wants 4.=

That's so. Josh Billings

The man whom yu kant git to write poetry, or tell the truth, untill yu git him haff drunk aint worth the investment.=

No sir. Josh Billings

Q.–Who waz the best dead beat? A.–Cain: he dead beat his brother Abel.

THE UNIVERSAL SWINE.

The Swine, (almost always) hav four legs, tho thare iz sum remarkable exceptshuns to this rule. Swine are good quiet boarders; they alwus eat what is sot before them, and don't ask enny phoolish questions. The Swine kan be larnt a great menny amusing things, sich az highsting the front gate oph from the hinges, and finding a hole in the fence to git into the cornfield, but it iz dredful hard work for them tew find the same hole tew git out at, espeshily if yu are in a hurry to hav them. This haz never bin fully explained, but speaks vollums for the swine. Swine can all root well, a swine that kant root well, iz a poor job.

HINTS TEW YUNG HUSBANDS.

1. Marriage iz a fair transackshun on the face of it.

2. Sum marry for buty, and never diskover their mistake; this iz lucky.

3. Sum marry for pedigree and feel big for six months, and then cum tew the conklusion, that pedigree aint no better than skim-milk.

4. Sum marry tew pleaze their relashuns and are surprized that their relashuns don't kare a cuss for them afterwards.

5. Marry Yung!—thare iz but one good excuse for a marriage late in life, and that iz,—a seckond marriage.

Q.–What iz the best thing out yet for real comfort? A.–An aking tooth.

THE GRITTY ANGLEWORM.

Angleworms are ov earth, earthy, and crawl for a living. The angleworm, tho full of grit, iz not quarrelsome. It is sed (by naturalists) that angleworm ile, rubbed on the back ov the neck will cure a man ov lieing. I don't beleave this, unless it kills the man. Death is the only safe cure (that haz bin diskovered yet) for the falssehood disseaze. Angleworms are used by sum people az an artikle ov diet—(to ketch fish with). They are handy tew put onto a hook, and are dredful handy tew take oph agin, az every wicked person knows who haz fished all day Sunday for daice in a mill-pond.

HOUSEKEEPER'S GUIDE.

To make boarding-house hash, take a little ov every thing, a good deal ov nothing, and throw in a chunk ov sumthing; jam to a mux, cook over a kold fire, season with hair pins, and sarve it up on the jump.

To bring up a child in the way he should go, travel that way yourself once in a while.

To find the solid contents ov a mule's hind legg, feel ov it clussly.

Q.–Who iz the coming man? A.–The female suffragist.

THE BELLYCOSE GOAT.

The Goat iz a coarse wollen sheep, with a cracked voice and a sanguine digestion. They had rather steal a rotten turnip out ov a garbage barrell than cum honestly bi a peck ov oats. They strike from the hed insted ov the shoulder, and are az likely tew hit the mark az a bumblebee iz. They are faithfull kritters in the hour ov adversity, and will stick tew a man az long az he lives in a shanty. They kan klimb evrything but a greased pole, and are alwus poor in the boddy, but phatt in the stummak. What they eat seems tew all go tew appetight. A phatt Goat would be a literary curiosity.

PREMIUMS.

Awarded to Velosipede Riders in 1870.

To Abram Parsons, a premium ov 33-1/8 dollars for riding a velosipede down the back stairs ov a gimnazium, and knocking out 18 ov hiz front teeth, and distorting hiz noze.

To Nimrod Sturgiss, a copper medal with 9 dollars, and a nu pair ov dorg skin gloves, for riding a velosipede into a mill-pond, and gitting drowned.

To Marshall Peaboddy Smith, a puss ov 2 dollars, and a life membership in the mackerel club, for riding a velosipede over a nu milch cow, and splitting a telegraph pole from top tew bottom.

Q.–Define the "fust impreshun." A.–A mother's kiss.

THE MELODIUS CAT.

The cat hath been called a domestik animile but i never could tell whyfore. All thare iz domestix about a cat iz, yu kant loze one; they are as tuff to loze az a bad reputashun iz. Yu may send one out ov the state done up neatly in a meal-bag, and the next morning yu will find him along side ov the kitchen stove reddy tew be stepped on. They are az sollum az Mozes, but az phull ov the devil as Judas Iskariott Esq. Thare iz only one thing about a cat that i like, and that iz, they are very reasonable; a little money, well put, will go a grate way in cats. Cats are very plenty in this world just now I counted 18 from mi boarding house windo, one moon lite nite last summer, and it want the best kind ov a nite for cats neither.

FAMILY NOSHUNS.

To pick out a tender goose, pinch him, and if he squeals, buy him.

To make good sharp pickles, whittle oph both ends ov them tew a pint.

To find how fur a frog kan jump, set a Frenchman to meazureing hiz jumps.

To git the affectashun out ov a man, make him sea sick, (when a man iz sea sick he iz inclined tew thro up all phoolish things).

Thare iz nothing so hard for us to understand, and so eazy for others, az that we hav fiddled our tune out.=

Kindly yure. Josh Billings

Thare iz no man so poor but what he kan afford to keep one dog,—and i hav seen them so poor, that they could afford to keep three.=

J. Billings Esq

Q.–What waz the name of Shakspear's dog? A.–Dog-Berry.

THE BRINY CODFISH.

The codfish iz the fruit ov the oshun, which accounts for their being so salt. They are good eating for a wet day; they are better than an umbreller to keep a man dry. They want a good deal ov freshning before they are eaten, and want freshning a good deal afterwards.

If i can have plenty ov codfish for breakfast, i can generally manage tew make the other two meals out of cold water.

(Advertisement.)

MELKISIDEK BREWSTERS LIGHTNING ROD.

For drawing lightning, theze rods hav grate strength and endurance.

They will draw litening from the uttermost parts ov the earth, or pull it in two.

Yu may bury one of theze rods 10 foot under ground, and litening will hunt till it finds it.

Yu mite az well undertake tew eskape natral deth, or a constable's warrent, az tew eskape litening with one ov theze rods ov yure house.

Buy one ov Melkisidek's rods, and if yu haint got enny house tew put it on, you kan set it up at the forks ov the road, and steal all the litening in the naberhood.

Q.–What iz a good "_counter irritant_"? A.–A young dri goods clerk.

THE FREQUENT FLY.

The fly iz not only a domestik critter, but a friendly one. How they git born i don't kno, but i hav thought they didn't wait tew be born, but come just az they am. Menny ov them are cut off in the flower of their youth, and usefulness. Sum loze their lives by lighting too near the rim ov a toad's mouth, and fall in when the toad gaps. Thousands find a watery grave, bi gitting drowned,—in milk-cans. Flys morally considered are like other human beings, they wont light on a good helthy spot in a man, not if they can find a place that iz a little raw. I beleave they are ov temprate habits, and altho they hang around grocerys a good deal, i never see a fly the wuss for liquor, but i hav often seen liquor, that waz a good deal the wuss for flys.

WANTED.

Wanted, several fust class yung men, with mustash, tew hang around the vestibules ov the different churches in amerika, and stare at the females az they pass out.

Yung men who understand the use ov tobacco prefered.

No yung men accepted who kant stare the brass buttons oph from a military coat, at twenty paces.

This iz a rare chance for yung men ov real genius.

Salary payable weekly.

References exchanged.

Q.–When iz a ship az sick az her passengers are? A.–When she heaves too.

THE READDY ROOSTER.

Roosters are the pugilists among birds, and having no suitable shoulder tew strike from, they strike from the heel. When a rooster gits whipped the hens all march off with the other rooster if he aint haff so big, or so hansum. It is pluck that wins a hen. Roosters az a class wont do enny household work; yu kant git a rooster tew pay enny attenshun tew a yungone. They spend most ov their time in crowing and strutting, and once in a while they find a worm, which they make a grate fuss over, calling their wives up from a distance, apparently tew treat them, but jist az the hens git thare, this elegant cuss bends over, and gobbles up the worm.

Jist like a man for all the world!

HOUSEHOLD COMFORTS.

Tew git rid ov cockroaches,—sell yure house, and lot, and flee tew the mountains.

Tew make a slapjax that will do grate service,—cut it out ov buckskin, and fri it tew a koal black on a greaseless griddle.

Tew pick out a good husband!—shut up both eyes, grab hard, and trust in the Lord.

Tew make a kat mad,—trod on her continuashun.

Q.–Why iz woman like an echo? A.–Bekauze she will hav the last word.

THE DOOCED MONKEY.

The monkey iz only valuable tew look at, and wonder what in thunder he iz a going tew do next. He haz not got a Webster head, but hiz face iz a biled down dew drop ov malishus cunning. He resembles the skey terrier in the bild ov hiz features, and skratches his head az natral az the school boy,—and probably for similar reasons. They are sumtimes kept az pets, but if enny boddy should pet me with a monkey, i should send him right back bi the same person who brought him, marked with Baldwin The Clothiers trademark,—C. O. D.

KONNEKTIKUT BLEW LAWS.

1. No man must chu enny tobbacko on the sabbath day unless he goes down cellar and duz it.

2. No yung woman haz a right tew be had in matrimony unless she kan make a good doe nut out ov rhy bran, and one that will keep a year in a damp place, without loseing its twist.

3. If a man gits drunk, he must git drunk on Nu England rum.

4. No man shall be entitled tew work on the road, or set on the jury, who aint handy with the 10 commandments.

If a young man haint got a well ballanced hed, i like to see him part hiz hair in the middle.=

Dont yu, Josh Billings

It iz one ov the hardest things on earth for a man to learn,—that he plays a third rate game ov whist.=

No doubt, Josh Billings

Q.–What is wealth? A.–Baggage at the risk of the owner.

THE LOAFING RACCON.

The Raccon iz a native amerikan. His family consists ov one wife, and three children, who liv with him on the inside ov a tree. During the winter he ties himself up in a hard knot, and lays down bi hiz fire side. When spring opens, he opens too, and goes out tew see how the chickens hav wintered. I never knew a raccon tew want enny thing long, that he could steal quick. I hav had tame coons bi the dozen, but i dont advise enny boddy tew cultivate coons; they want as much waiting on az a blind mule on a tow path, and thare aint enny more real proffit in them, than thare iz in a stock dividend, on the Erie railroad.

HOME DOINGS.

Tew freshen a salt mackerel,—tow him one summer behind a steam bote.

Tew make a man good mad,—starch hiz stockings a leetle too stiff.

Tew be one ov the "oldest inhabitants," remember very well, when yung Nebudkenezzer waz a babe.

Tew be happy,—eat molasses, and swing on a gate.

Q.–What did Joner do while in the whale's stumak? A.–The best thing he did waz tew git out ov it.

THE THOUGHTFUL FOX.

The Fox iz a literary bird; he waz a genius long before akedemick honors flourished; he waz a poet, skoller, and sage, before the days ov Homer and Herodotus; and in our times he iz the Ben Butler ov diplomacy, and the Brigham Yung ov matrimonial ethicks. The fox haz no moral honesty but he haz got a grate supply of politikal honesty. If another Fox in hiz parish wants a good phatt goose, he will work hard tew git him the goose, and having cleaned the meat all oph from the subburbs ov the goose, giv hiz politikal friend the bones, telling him with a smile in hiz eye, "that every thing iz lovely and the goose hangs hi."

[Advertisement.]

MADAM FILKINS LIQUOR FOR BABES.

Cures hooping coff, meazels, pane in the side, mumps, teething, cancer, rickets, redgum, and bawling.

Cures gout, hang nails, wont go tew sleep, stummak ake, and want every thing they see.

Removes warts, wens, wigglings, an wizenface.

Mothers lament for Madam Filkins liquor for babes.

Babes bawl for it.

Nurses pray for it.

Fathers buy it bi the barrell.

Q.–What iz ginger pops? A.–Gim-nastick water.

KALKULASHUNS OV A PROGNOSTIX NATUR.

Whenever yu see a flok ov geese all standing on one leg, except the old gander, and he chawing hiz cud, look out for a south-west wind tewmorow, or the next day, or the day after, or at sum fewter time.

Should thare be cold weather during Febuary, and should roosters refuse to crow, and the taxgatherer forgit tew call on yu, yu will hav tew trust in Providence, and go it blind, for thare aint no man kan prognostix what will cum next.

Whenever dogs are seen travelling around with nothing to do and old maids refuse their tea, and hop vines wont klimb, and grind stuns wont grind, then yu may expekt a lite crop ov oats, and beans wont pay for harvesting.

If the sun rizes in the east, and sets in the west, and the bull frogs sings sams in the marshes, and thare aint no pulling hair in the family circle, things are about az near right az yu can git them.

Should there be no dew on the grass, in the morning before sunrise, it iz an infallible prognostix, that thare didn't enny dew fall.

Whenever yu see two crows on the railfence, one white and the other black, edgeing up to each other, look out for a nigger in the wood pile.

Q.–What is pity? A.–Cheap charity.

LETTER TO FARMERS.

Beloved Farmers:

Agrikultur iz the mother ov farm produce; she iz also the step-mother ov gardin sass.

Rize at haff past 2 o'clock in the morning, bild up a big fire in the kitchen, burn out two pounds ov kandels, and grease yure boots.

Wait pashuntly for da brake. When day duz brake, then commense tew stir up the geese and worry the hogs.

Too mutch sleep iz ruinous tew geese and tew hogs. Remember yu kant git ritch on a farm, unless yu rize at 2 o'clock in the morning, and stir up the hogs and worry the geese.

The happyest man in the world iz the farmer; he rizes at 2 o'clock in the morning, he watches for da lite tew brake, and when she duz brake, he goes out and stirs up the geese and worrys the hogs.

What iz a lawyer?—What iz a merchant?—What iz a doktor?—What iz a minister?—I answer, nothing

A farmer iz the nobless work ov God; he rizes at 2 o'clock in the morning, and burns out a haff a pound ov wood and two kords ov kandels, and then goes out tew worry the geese and stir up the hogs.

Beloved farmers, adew.

Josh Billings.

EXTRAKT OV LETTERS.

Fredom Senter, Nov. 17th, 1870.

Friend Billings:

Thi Allmanax for 1871 waz good for the flesh, az well az for the soul ov man; it fatted me distinktly on the ribs. I remane thine.

Obadiah Broadbrim.

Mr. Billings:

We shall hereafter embody yure Allmanaxes in our journal.

Editor of London Athaneum.

Dear Josh Billings:

Enklosed in this letter, yu will find 17 cents for one allmanaxt; i am poor, and this iz all the money i hav got, and i haint got no live mother.

Charley Briggs, Jun.

Klamburgh, Oktober 30, 1870. Dear Misser Josh:

The lor bles yuse, and yuse allmanaksts for 1871; it made dis chile perspire gratuitussly wid bliss.

Yure cullud person friend,

Josepheen Johnsing.

Mister Joshua Billings:

I hav both ov yure 2 allmanaxes for 1870 and 1871, and wish yu would send me bi the barrow yure allmanaxes for 1872 and 1873 and 1874, exklusive. I will emit the munny in a fu daze. No more now from yure loveing friend, Jerusha Sheldon, dauter ov widdo Sheldon, near Spraker's Mill, on the Coshokton pike.

HOROSKOPE FOR JANUARY.

The yung gentleman born this month will remane a bachelor untill hiz 16 year, and will hav kurly hair. He will finally settle down still, and marry for life. Hiz father will be a grate lover ov phast horses. He will liv tew be over 60 years ov age, and die worth about 750 dollars, klear ov awl debt.

The yung lady born this month will kno how tew pla on the pianner, and nit worsted. She will be a blondy, and be near sited, and fall in luv with grate diffikulty. She will finally git wedded tew the man she marrys, and her whole life will be eazy. If she marrys the seckond time her husband will be a dentist or an alderman.

ADVICE TEW YUNG KLERGYMEN.

Dont preach the gospel for less than 850 dollars a year, salary payable quarterly in advance.

A congregashun who kant afford tew pay 850 dollars a year, want a missionary more than they do a klergyman.

Be sure and run the church; don't let the church run you.

Az i sed up at the top, git az mutch ov yure salary az possible in advance, for i dont kno ov enny det so hard tew kollekt az a minister's salary, after it once gits kold.

It iz so eazy to advise another fellow to set down in a dentists chair, and hav a big dubble tooth jerkt out, that i hav often wondered whi we didn't try it ourselfs.=

Less so. Josh Billings

I say to 2 thirds ov the ritch people in this world—make the most ov yure money, for it makes the most ov yu.=

Happy thought.= Josh Billings

Q.–Who had the best artikle ov pashunce? A.–Job. His pashunce waz biled down to a spot.

HOROSKOPE FOR FEBUARY.

The man born this month will be good looking, but too mutch prone tew toe in when he walks. He will hav 2 wifes, and a small hand, except when he plays whist; then he will hav a big one. Hiz fust wife will be kross-eyed, but hiz seckond one will be kross all over. He will hav 4 children, who will all pass through the meazles, with grate credit tew themselfs and no disgrace tew the meazles.

The yung female born during this month will show grate judgement in sorting her lovers, and will finally marry a real estate agent. She will hav a phew failings; but who cares? she wouldn't be interesting if she didn't. At 28 she will be a widow, and at stated intervals will be inklined tew gush a little. (For the sake of variety we say, let her gush.)

A GOOD FAMILY JOB.

(To kure bed bugs.)

Bile the bed bugs tew a gravy; then take equal parts ov sassyfrass rutes and mingle with the gravy; then find a hoel in the ground that aint occupied; then pour the gravy into the hoel; then fasten up the hoel with 2 pounds ov gunpowder; then tutch off the hoel with a 10 foot poel; then run like litening. If this don't kure the bed bugs, and the hoel too, they hav both got it the natral way, and kan't be healed.

Q.–What iz the surest gait on the road? A.–A toll-gate.

HOROSKOPE FOR MARCH.

The man born this month will be inklined tew blow a little. He will be a domestik man, and will kno how to rok the kradle and pare potatoze. He will marry the only daughter of a widdo, and will be a good judge of mothers-in-law. He will die about the usual time in life, and leave a house and lot, with a small mortgage on it. He never will run for offiss but once, and then will git beat.

The woman who appears this month will be an old maid till she is 20 years old, and then will sudenly put a stop tew this kind ov bizzness, by investing in a yung man. She will be a good housekeeper, and kno how tew make a plum puddin, with the plums left out. She will hang on to her buty till she iz about 45; after that, she will hav to take her chances.

[Advertizement.]

Professor John Spruce (graduate) begs leaf tew inform the citizens ov Pordunk village that he will open a school for male yung men, over Nikodemus Bradley's waggon shop, in whitch will be taught the nobel art of chawing gum, in all the hier branches.

Private lessons administered tew yung ladiz at their boarding-house. The Professor pledges himself tew teach, in six easy lessons, the gum-chawing science tew a spot.

N. B.—Seckond hand gum alwus on hand, for sale low.

Q.–Who iz the champion ov lite weights? A.–The Nu Jersey muskeeter.

HOROSKOPE FOR APRIL.

The man born this month will hav a liquid temprament, but not necessarily inklined tew licker. Hiz grate aim will be tew git married; and he will git hiz bird, bi marrying a butiful and also good-looking wife. They will liv happy az two lambs, and leave one son, whom they intended should be president ov the United States, but who very wisely konkluded tew be a merchant taylor.

The lady born this month will hav blew eyes, and a full set ov teeth. Her heart will be az tender az a porterhouse steak. She will keep a lap dorg, who will hav weak eyes, and whose christian name will be Fanny. She will die and leave a bed-quilt, which will go down tew posterity, with upwards of 7 hundred blocks in it.

[Advertizement.]

JOB SARGENT'S KLENSING SOPE.

Job Sargent, being ov sound mind, and expressly afrade ov the devil, dont hesitate tew say that his klensing sope will take the spots oph from everything.

1st. It will remove the spots from a coach dog in 3 daze.

2d. It will take the spots oph from a ten ov dimonds in 15 minnits.

3d. Kan the leopard change his spots?—i answer it kan, bi using Job Sargent's only klensing sope.

4th. Persons ov a spotless reputashun, and anxious tew keep so, will never be without this sope.

5th. Job Sargent never told a lie—so did George Washington.

Q.–What iz the fastest trotting-time on reckord? A.–I dont kno az I kare.

HOROSKOPE FOR MAY.

The gentleman who invests hiz life in this month will be very quick tempered, espeshily when a hornet lights on him in anger. His mother will set a good deal by him, espeshily when he iz in the kradle. He will hav the mumps very light, and will spend most ov his life intending tew marry, but will die at last with a half dozen old maids on hiz hands. The wash wimmin will remember him az the man who never wore paper collars.

The lady born this month will fust be a bud, and afterwards a blossom. Her heart will be az full ov twitter as a kanary bird on a perch. She will hav twilight hair. She will hav menny lovers. She will be reasonabel fond ov silk clothes, but her grate joy will be in a bonnet. She will hav az little jealousy az it is prudent for a woman tew hav.

CHOICE OLD RECEIPTS.

To learn a kat how tew bite—feed her on kat nip tea.

To remove goose pimples (from a goose)—loose the goose.

To kure a weak back—lay still for a week ahead.

To make yure mark—fall out ov a third story windo.

To ketch a bad kold—lay down on the ground, and watch for it, bi moonlite.

Kats are plenty. I kounted 18 from mi boarding hous window one night last summer—and it wasn't a fust rate nite for kats neither.=

A sollum fakt. Josh Billings

One ov the most unfortunate men in this world—iz a third rate fiddler,=

Yure warm friend Josh Billings

Q.–Who got the fust caneing? A.–Abel.

HOROSKOPE FOR JUNE.

The male individual born during June will be one of 7 children, but not the only one. He will hav 3 brothers, and one sister, who will marry a hard shell baptist preacher. He will studdy law, and enter the profeshun with gilt edge prospekts, but his fust klient being a counterfiter, whom he succeeds in gitting clear, and receiving 50 dollars in counterfit money for his services, disgusts him with the bizzness.

The female who appears on the platform this month will alwus hav cause tew wonder whi she did it. Her father will be a skool teacher, and he will bring her up in the distrikt skool bizzness. At 29 years and six months she will marry, and will be well edukated in the dutys ov a wife, for she will understand Daball's arithmetik, and parseing, just az eazy az falling down the cellar stairs. She will hav but one son, and he will be edukated oph from hiz feet at an early age.

ANNOUNCEMENT EXTRORNARY.

(Advertizement.)

Phelix Phungus (dog dokter), late ov the royal vetenary college, and 12 years in a doggery in the old country, offers hiz services tew the Pordunk people. He kan remove fleas from a dog in 16 minnits; he kan take the krook out ov a dog's tail in 13 minnits; he kan learn a dog tew lie in front ov a fire all day in 12 minnits; he kan tell how fast a dog kan run hitched tew a tin pail in 3 minnits; and kan tell how mutch sassage he will make bi just hefting him. Consultashuns free.

P. P. D. D. Phelix Phungus, Dog Doktor.

Q.–Who waz the weakest man? A.–Fred Bennett couldnt lift hiz note for fifteen dollars.

HOROSKOPE FOR JULY.

The man mortal who cums tew the scratch this month will be a grate lover ov politikal life, and after menny stormy trips will settle in hiz natiff village a konstable, elekted by 19 majority. He will liv tew be ripe with old age, and hiz posterity will wonder how he managed tew spend a whole life in politiks, and keep out ov state prizon. (Hiz posterity probably aint aware that a term in state prizon iz a good kard tew run for offiss on.)

The girl born this month will flash like a streak ov yello sunshine. She will be sought after like the balm ov menny flowers. She will hav poetry for breakfast, and spend the rest ov the day on zephyrs and chocalate karamels. The man who gits her for a wife will change into a butterfly, and the two will be seen, sum sweet nite this month, flieing away to the song ov the crickets.

ADVICE TEW YOUNG MEN.

Dont be diskouraged if yure mustash dont gro; it sumtimes happens whare a mustash duz the best, nothing else duz so well.

Dont be afrade ov enny thing that iz honarable, and dont forget that the best friend that God haz given enny one iz hiz conscience.

Larn tew wait!—this iz a hard gait for a yung man tew travel, but iz the surest way tew git thare.

If you hav got sum wild oats (and a phew wont spile yu) git them in arly, and sow them deep, so they will rot in the ground.

Q.–Which are two ov the lost arts? A.–Modesty, and good home-made bread.

HOROSKOPE FOR AUGUST.

The gentleman born this month will hav one eye to the main chance, and the other eye on the collatterals. He will be sharper than good cider vinegar, and will go at a transackshun like a skotch tarrier at a rat hole. He will be az honest az a hornet, and make az few blunders. He will liv tew be old. Hiz wife will die young—tired out trying tew keep up with him.

The feminine creashuns ov this month will be grate admirers ov the sterner sex. They will fall in luv easy, but will make az phew blunders az enny other wimmin. They will be guided bi the impulses ov their naturs, which in most wimmen iz a safer card than their judgements. If I hadnt got one ov the best wifes that the world haz yet produced, I should be inclined to ask (humbly) for one ov the August-as.

TO ALL WHOM IT MAY CONSARN.

(Advertizement.)

Adam Dipthong (chicken champion) invites a discerning world tew peruse hiz egg-dispensing poultry.

His "Hail Columbys," crossed on his "Star Spangled Banners," iz a hen who, for purity ov step, swavity of plumage, and modesty ov deportment, kant be beat.

His "Last Roze ov Summer," hiz "Merry wives ov Windsor," and hiz "Love lies bleeding," az a style ov poultry, haz no competitors in the whole horizon. His "Kiss me Quicks," chastised with a delikate sprinkling ov his "Meet me bi moon lite alone," as pullets, hav alwus stood the test; and az roosters, are alwus reddy "tew fite it out on this line" (or enny other) "if it takes all summer."

Q.–Who waz the fust brewer? A.–Satan; he brewed mischief.

HOROSKOPE FOR SEPTEMBER.

The man born this month will be what iz called a wit. He will be az phull ov wit az a bottle ov ginger-pop. He kant hardly wait to hav the cork pulled out, and when the cork iz pulled out it will take a 2 quart bowl to hold a haff pint ov the phizz. He will make jokes which will be az natral az blunders, and will keep hiz whole family (inkluding the hired girl) betwixt a suprise and a guess. He will hav a house phull of children, who will be the best jokes he perpetrates.

The lady born this month will be mistress ov the situashun. She will hav menny admirers, but will lead them a dusty chase. After a while she will marry, and bekum az serious az a white mice in a wire trap. Her husband will be az proud of her az a third lutenant ov hiz fust epaulettes. Her children will be brought up to toe the mark, and, tho different from all the other wimmin in the naborhood, she will be admired more than reproved.

ADVISE TEW HOSS JOCKEYS.

Never swop hosses with a deakon—not if yu belong tew the same church he duz.

If yu hav got a hoss that you ask 200 dollars for, and are offered 75 dollars for him, alwus sell him; dont spile a good hoss trade for 125 dollars.

If you should, bi acksident, git hold ov a sound hoss, git shut of him az soon az yu kan, for yu wont be happy with him.

If, in swopping hosses, yu git kornered, and kant lie, postpone the trade untill next day.

Noboddy ever expekts tew buy a hoss without gitting cheated; tharefore, if a hoss jockey dont lie, he loses one ov his blessed privileges.

Mice kan liv enny whare fust rate except in a church.—they fatt very slo in a church.—this shows that they kant liv on religion, enny more than a minister kan.

Yures. Josh Billings

Whenever i see a real hansum woman engaged in the "wimmin rights" bizzness, i am a going to take off mi hat, and jine the proceshun.—

See if i dont. Josh Billings

Q.–Whi iz the meazles like fresh mackrel? A.–They run in schools, and hav tew be kaught before they can be had.

HOROSKOPE FOR OCTOBER.

The male man usherd into existence this month will be ov an enquiring mind. The fust thing he will enquire for will be sum good cider. He will studdy divinity at fust, but will quit that and bekum a konduktor on a hoss rale-rode; this pays better, and haz more perquisites. He will marry the woman ov his choice, which iz good, provided the choice iz all right. His hair will turn grey before he dies, but after he dyes he will hav black hair the rest of hiz days.

The woman born this month will be short ov stattue, and acquainted with grief. She will want a grate menny things, in this world, that aint handy tew be got. She will marry just about the right time, and undertake tew liv with her mother in law, which iz a diffikult kontrakt tew fill. The wimmin born this month are like a rhode island greening, ripen slow, and are most delightful away long into the winter.

☛ TO LET. ☚

Enny person having an easy pill to take, that will restore a shatterd reputashun, without change ov diet tew the pashunt, kan hav this advertising space hily reazonable.

Enquire of

Q.–Whare did Adam strike when he fell? A.–On hiz kneeze, I hope.

HOROSKOPE FOR NOVEMBER.

The gentleman born this month will be a hard worker, but phond ov old wine. He will forgit tew pay sum ov hiz debts, but will hav a blue eye, and be a good singer. He will marry between 18 and 45, and be an excellent judge ov hash on toast. He will liv a grate length, and reach deth by a cirkuitous route.

She who cums tew see us this month will be az welkum az a dandylion in the buzzum of winter. She will be a dutiful dauter, a warm-harted sister, a tender mother, and a handsum wife—(Kind Heaven! send us az menny ov this sort az convenient.)

ADVICE TEW YUNG DOKTORS.

Hire an offiss on the main street of the village, and stay in the offiss.

When yu do go out, alwus go on the jump.

Dont never talk mutch on enny subjek, but alwus look kussid misterious.

Seldum go tew church, but when yu do, alwus leave before the church duz.

Charge everyboddy like thunder and litening.

If yu pholler theze rules clussly, and don't suckceed, yu kan kum tew the konklushun that the doktrine bizzness ain't so good as it waz last year.

Q.–Who waz the best-preserved woman that ever lived? A.–Lot's wife.

HOROSKOPE FOR DECEMBER.

The man born this month will hav a sanguine temprament. He thinks he iz in luv with every woman he meets, and wont git married till late in life. When he duz git wedded, he is a-going tew wed a woman who haz been playing the same game he haz—falling in love with every man she meets. They are both ov them going tew git cheated the wust way.

The girl born this month, tho late in the season, is a-going tew ketch up before she gits through. She wont remane single, and iz a-going tew be a leetle diffikult tew manage double. She will see Naples, but iz too smart to die right off on that account. She will admire menny men, but will love but one, and that iz her husband. If her husband iz smart enuff to know this, they will travel through life like 2 pigeons.

SIMPLE REMIDIZ.

Tew kure the bight ov a krab, soke the krab's feet in bileing hot water.

Tew find the kontents ov a gallon ov whiskee, multiply a pint ov fusil ile bi 8 pints ov Venice turpentine.

Tew kure the gout, liv on Boston krackers, and saw wood for 25 cents a kord.

Tew make a goose good eating, bring her up tenderly.

Tew keep kats from being et up bi rats, muzzle the rats.

Q.–How did robins git their name? A.–By robin cherry-trees.

AGRIKULTIBUSS.

1st. Skarsity beets are the hardest kind ov beats to beet; their grate skarsity makes them beet all other kind ov beats.

2d. Turnups should be planted near the top ov the ground, if yu want them tew turn up good.

3d. Egg plants iz good, but eggs sot under a stiddy hen will produce more chickens than they will tew plant them.

4th. Potatoze are gennerally a helthy krop, but they are liable tew hav weak eyes.

5th. Cowcumbers do the best in a lot bi themselfs; it aint best tew cumber up a kitchen gardin with cows.

6th. Oats will gro on sum warm land, but tew yield well they hav got tew be thrasht; it iz jiss so with beans, only beans has got to be poled fust, and thrasht afterwards.

7th. Rye duz the best on a dry and thirsty sile, espeshily old rye; too mutch water will drown out old rye.

8th. Tud stools will do well on a wet earth; so will tuds; but woodchucks must hav a gravelly sile.

SUM WEATHER.

SINOPSUSS OV PROGNOSTIKATED EVENTS.

The byrometer will rize very sudden this morning at Pordunk, 3 foot, and fall the like amount at Sakramento City. The diffikulty in the weather for the last 2 days, which haz predominated at Boston and around New Orleans, waz owing tew the byrometer at Pordunk being took down and sent tew the blacksmith's shop for repairs.

Clear weather haz existed at Goose kreek, and northwest ov Montreal, with a growing tendency tew wind gustiness.

PROBABILITIZ.

Ambrozial weather will permeate all around Pordunk for the next 16 months, with rain and snow; and all sorts ov stuff in the ballance ov the United States of America.

The probabilitiz iz that the abuv probabilitiz will assimilate themselfs tew the principal probabilitiz in the case.

If they don't, du notiss will be giv.

In the mean time be kalm, be dignified, and don't be skeered.

JANUARY MISSCELLANY.

ARIES, THE ZODIAK RAM.

Aries is a latin ram. He is kompozed ov wool all over, and horns in front. How Aries, the ram, got into the zodiak bothers me to this day, but he probably jumpt in out ov sumboddys back lot. This is all owing tew bad fences. Aries waz born soon after the diskovery ov this world by Kaptain Kook, the perambulator. Since the days ov Aries the hydraulik ram haz been born, a very hard ram tew fleece. Aries haz the post ov honor amung the sighns in the zodiak, and presides over the head ov the human anatomy. This iz a just kompliment tew hiz kapacity for putting a hed onto things. Aries, the ram, tho he haz no literary pretenshuns, haz made menny brilliant hits in hiz day.

TO MAKE GOOD MILK PUNTCH.

Take one quart ov red cow's milk.

Strain all the water out ov the milk.

Puntch the milk severely with santy cruize rum.

Ramify it well with white sugar.

Koruskate sum nutmeg on the brow ov it.

Drink tew the Amerikan Eagle standing.

(This recipee haz been in the Billings family going on 300 years, and iz desighned for one person, and always hits the mark.)

The Hornet iz a red hot child ov natur, and haz a bizzness end to him.=

Respekfully, Josh Billings

The cockroach dont liv on what he eats, but what he kan git into, and often finding him ded in mi soup, i hav cum to the konklushun, that he kant swim, but that he kan float for a long time=

Josh Billings

Q.–What would be a good motto for a taylor? A.–Let her rip.

FEBUARY MISSCELLANY.

TAURUS, THE ZODIAK BULL.

One ov the best behaved animiles in the whole zodiak is Taurus the zodiak bull. He is alwus laying down flat sunning himself. He dont hav ennything tew employ hiz mind with only in fli time. Fli time iz alwus a bizzy time with Taurus. The bull down here nowdaze iz a sour headed old codger who goes swareing up and down the turnpike about sumthing, but in the daze ov Virgil he had golden horns, and poetry in hiz veins. Menny folks hav asked me what on earth they wanted a bull in the zodiak for, and i hav always sed, it waz just az necessary az tew hav bulls in Wall street. This always seemed tew satisfy their questions prodigiously. Taurus governs the nek in the sighns ov the zodiak, which haz giv rise to that tender, and klassikal sentiment, called "bull necked."

PERSONALS.

Dear One.—Enklosed please find 10 Dollars—if you kan.

Richard.

Kum home! kum home! mi dear husband, i freely forgiv yu for all i hav did.

Betsey.

Waz the lady in blue, who trod on the gentleman's toe in gray, in the 8th avenew kars last frida nite corned, or waz it the toe that waz corned?—References exchanged.

Pedro.

Q.–Who fust struk ile? A.–Joner.

MARCH MISSCELLANY.

CANCER, THE ZODIAK KRAB.

Cancer iz a hard sheld krab, and haz 2 sets ov leggs, which are lokated on the starbord side ov their pussons. Cancer travels on hiz muscle, and thare aint no individual sighn in the zodiak ov hiz size kan whip him. I hav studdyed the krab clussly, and et him sloly, and I dont kno him yet. Crabs bight with their feet, and hang on like the rumatiz. Biled krab is good but a man must eat them bi the day, he would starve to deth eating them bi the job. Krabs are kaught bi tieing a knot onto the end ov a string, and dropping it down into the water whare the krab iz, and when yu haul in the string, perhaps yu hav krab, and perhaps yu hav knot. This iz the way a grate menny things in this world are not kaught. In the zodiak Cancer rules the brest. I should rather hav a blister plaster in mi buzzum than a krab or a cancer.

WANTED BI A MIDDLE AGED MAN.

Enny one having a helthy goose, ov good moral karakter, will hear ov a purchaser by addressing Solaman Wainscote, Pordunk P. O.

The goose must be broke tew eat grass.

One that knoze how to lay 2 eggs a day prefered.

If the goose should be a leetle tuff, no matter.

What we want iz a smart goose, no kussid phool goose wanted.

Q.–Who iz the greatest hero ov modern times? A.–Josh Ward, heroed a mile in 4 minitts.

APRIL MISSCELLANY.

VIRGO, THE ZODIAK VIRGIN.

One ov the best preserved females ov the age iz Virgo the Virgin. She dont look an hour older than she did in the spring ov 1818 when i fust saw her. Virgo haz lite blu eyes and yeller hair, and i should esteem her to weigh about 117 pounds. Virgo haz menny admirers, and report sez, she haz had menny good trades offered her (one waz a duke) but she deklines matrimony. I congratulate her spunk. If she haz got a good lone hand i like to see her play it, even if she gits ukered. I hope Virgo will remain whare she iz for life, for she iz the only sighn in the zodiak that i love tew witness. Thare iz one thing about Virgo that pleazes me wonderful, and that iz, when the grecian bend waz raging on earth, and crooking most all the other wimmin, she never bent a bit. Hallelujah! for Virgo.

TO KONTRAKTORS.

The widdo Betsey Brown will receive proposals sealed at her residence No. 86 Hopvine St. for the next 90 daze.

Kontraktors must state their best offers.

Diagrams of the widdows looks kan be had at the above No.

The widdo reserves the privilege ov refusing all offers.

The highest Bidder gits the worm.

Agents needn't applikate.

Q.–Whi iz the kodfish like a sailor? A.–Bekauze he iz an old salt.

MAY MISSCELLANY.

SKORPIO, THE ZODIAK SKORPION.

Next to the hornet, the skorpion seems tew me to be pretty mutch all ded loss. I never had mutch faith in enny kind ov a kritter who waz bilt only tew bite. Skorpions do the best in a hot naberhood. If a man should take all the skorpions in the world up into the northern part ov Nu Hampshire he would loze money on them. They wouldn't thaw out thare in time for bizzness. I never hav seen a skorpion only in the zodiak, and i aint sorry for this. If thare should ever be a fite in the zodiak i hope it will be krab and skorpion. This would be a fite in which no one would care whitch whipt. I kant tell yu just now how the skorpion got aboard ov the zodiak, but bi looking at hiz piktur i should say he stood 2 good chances tew do it, one waz tew enter hed fust, and the other waz to change ends and go in that way.

FOUND.

A malteese soprano kat, about 12 months old, singing old hundred on a picket fence, late last thursda nite, whichever person owns sed kat will find him (or her, according tew circumstansis) in a vakant lot, just bak ov our hous, still butiful in death.

ALSO,

Found an old blew kotting umbrel worth nothing, in place ov a nu silk one worth 12 dollars and fifty cents, if the person who lost the blew kotting umbrel bi finding the other one, hasn't had time enuff yet tew repent ov hiz blunder, 60 days longer will be granted him tew weep over the ackcident.

Yung man, dont be afrade to blo yure own horn, but dont blo it in front ov the proceshun, go to the rear and do it.=

Yure Uncle, Josh Billings.=

The reputashun that a man gits from hiz ansestors, often wants az mutch altering to fit him, az their old clothes would.=

It iz truly thus, Josh Billings.=

Q.–What iz a blunderbuss? A.–Kissing the wrong woman.

JUNE MISSCELLANY.

KAPRIKORNUS, THE ZODIAK GOTE.

Kaprikornus the zodiak gote iz a sheep with hair on him, and kan eat enny thing he kan swallow if it chokes him. They infest all over kreashun, but are thikker in the upper part of Nu York citty ackording tew populashun than otherwise. Their principal bizzness is tew fite, and giv milk, they average about a quart ov milk, and four knokdowns a day. They kant klimb a greast pole, but kan kreep up the side of a rok az natral az a wood-bine kan. They hav a krak in their foot, and also one in their voice, and a mustash on their bottom lip. Aries and Kaprikornus are the two buts ov the zodiak. In the zodiak Kaprikornus governs the kneeze, and people born under this sighn are apt tew be knok kneed.

LOST.

A bright bay poodle dorg, 5 dollars reward, ov a warm natur, and no questions asked, with one white foot behind, will be paid for hiz return, when he stole away, with flowing ears, or waz strayed by sumboddy, answers tew Kristopher Kolumbust, with a brass colar, exchange papers pleaze copy, and haz a frantik tale.

Q.–How menny skruples in one dram. A.–This depends upon who takes the dram.

JULY MISSCELLANY.

PISCES, THE ZODIAK FISHES.

Pisces are the only two fishes we hav enny account ov who hav bin able tew swim on land and not tutch bottom. It iz now over 4000 years since they cum ashore and took lodgings in the zodiak. It haz alwus been a fish-bone ov kontenshun amung the natral philosophers whether they belong tew the kodfish, or the sucker family. I hav bin asked mi opinyun on this topick a 100 thousand times, but hav alwus maintained grate solemnity on the subjekt. It is alwus mi way when i dont kno nothing about enny thing, to look learned, and smile wisdum. Mi private opinyun iz, that pisces iz a pikerel, or a porgy, or a perch, and weighed originally about 9 pounds, but i dont want to bet on this. I kant tell whether Pisces would bite on an angleworm or not, but i think thare iz sum law aginst fishing in private ponds. Pisces iz a game fish, but what hiz game iz i dont kno, but probably hi lo Jak, or draw poker.

EPITAFF.

Q.–What breed ov hens set the best? A.–Thoze without leggs.

AUGUST MISSCELLANY.

AQUARIUS, THE ZODIAK WATERMAN.

Aquarius duz the sprinkling pot bizzness for the zodiak. He kan be seen enny klear day up in the zodiak laying the dust which the other zodiakers kik up. He iz a quiet old gent about 5 foot 6, and wears a wool hat, and a bull's eye watch. Who hiz ansestors waz no one kan tell. He iz an old bachelor now, but they tell me, up in the zodiak, that he alwus takes the most pains when he sprinkles in front ov Virgo. Thare iz a tradishun in Pordunk, that Aquarius was once a tempranse lekturer, but gitting too thin for the bizzness waz translated, and sot to sprinkling in the zodiak. Aquarius haz charge ov the leggs amung the sighns in the zodiak, and i notis that water iz better for the legs than sum other fluids i know.

EDUKASHIONAL.

CLASS IN BOTANY STAND UP.

Teacher. What kind ov a bird iz a Heron?

Skoller. A herring iz a small fish, az full ov bones az a fine tooth comb.

Teacher. To what genus duz the Kat belong?

Skoller. The musikal genius, they lay around daze, and chant around nites.

Teacher. Which iz the wizest fowl?

Skoller. The owl sir, bekause he hoots at most things.

Teacher. What kind ov fish are plentyest in market during dog days?

Skoller. Smelts sir.

Teacher. Class in botany may set down.

Q.–How menny geese duz it take to make a flok? A.–One would satisfy me.

SEPTEMBER MISSCELLANY.

SAGITTARIUS, THE ZODIAK BOMAN.

Sagittarius iz the William Tell ov the zodiak. He kan hit an apple on the top ov Virgo's hed 200 paces oph, and not only halve the apple into quarters, but knok the seeds 27 different direkshuns. He wins the cigars at all the target excursions in the zodiak. In shooting at a muskeeter once who had lighted onto the tail ov Leo, he aimed a leetle too delikate, and dekapitated the dorsal extenshun ov Leo. This waz looked upon bi all the other phellows in the zodiak az a supplementary shot. Leo waz laid up in the horsepittol for 6 months, but hiz codicil gru out about 2 foot more than it waz before. Sagittarius iz the comik genius ov the zodiak, and on fourth of Julys shutes pennys oph from a stik, injun fashion. In the zodiak sighns Sagittarius oversees the thighs, but for what I dont seem tew kno.

FOR IMMEJIATE ADOPSHUN.

A mail child, Eleven months old, well broke tew the bottle, 9 teeth kut, lite sunset hair, without spot or blemish, no parents ov enny ackount, hard tew kry, dont bite, shows sighns ov genius, and haz had wackshination.

Enquire within.

I never question a suckcess enny more than I do the right ov a bull dog to lie in hiz own gateway.=

no I dont, Josh Billings.=

The diffrence between a mistake, and a blunder.

When a man sets down a poor umbreller, and takes up a good one, he makes a _mistake_, but when he sets down a good umbreller, and takes up a poor one, he makes a _blunder_.=

Excuse haste. Josh Billings

Q.–When duz a fly git badly stuck? A.–When he fools with mollassis.

OCTOBER MISSCELLANY.

LIBRA, THE ZODIAK SKALES.

Sixteen ounces to the pound wrongs no man. I dont want enny better evidence that things are strikly on the square in the zodiak than the fakt, that they keep a pair ov skales up thare, and they are alwus level. Thare iz a grate deal ov native honesty in a pair of skales. When i begun life, i looked upon every boddy az honest az a pair ov skales, but the skales hav dropt oph from my eyes since, and i begin tew look upon things more az they am. I look upon every man now az strikly honest, who kan prove it. I want honesty weighed out to me just az i do mi sassage, 16 ounces tew the pound. Honesty that lacks an ounce in every pound aint worth a kuss. The ounce that iz lacking iz just what beats us. In the zodiak concern Libra holds the reins over the anitomikal hoss.

THINGS THAT KAN BE DID.

One ov the smartest things a man kan do, iz to drink peper sass.

One ov the safest things a man kan do, iz to ride a saw hoss.

One ov the surest things a man kan do, iz tew slip up on the ice.

One ov the lazyest things a man kan do, iz tew eat soup with a fork.

One ov the longest things a man kan do, iz to long for perfekt happiness.

One ov the handyest things a man kan do, is to giv hiz note for 90 daze.

Q.–Whi iz a lie called a yarn? A.–Bekauze it iz dubble and twisted.

NOVEMBER MISSCELLANY.

LEO, THE ZODIAK LION.

Leo iz the only real lion that haz been allowed tew run around loose amung folks. Thus far he haz abstained from human flesh. Thare iz a report in the zodiak that he and Taurus had sum words about 15 thousand years ago, but i kant git hold ov the fakts in the case. Leo waz born in the smart little village ov Numidia in the state of Africa, ov unknown parents, and iz now 260 thousand years old. Leo will probably end hiz days in the zodiak, and i hav looked at Leo's piktur in the zodiak gallery and dont hesitate tew rekomend him az a good job for all in search ov a disinterested lion. The lion iz like an auckshioneer in one respekt, hiz grate strength lays in hiz jaw. In the sighns ov the zodiak Leo akts on the heart, and this ackounts for the human heart being so tuff. Next to the gizzard, the heart iz the tuffest piece ov meat in the whole human kritter.

EXAMININ A PORDUNK VALLEY RALE RODE KONDUKTOR.

President. Have yu a gold kronometer worth 300 dollars?

Konduktor. Not mutch!

President. Do yu keep a trotter?

Konduktor. Not enny!

President. Hav yu enny dimond rings?

Konduktor. Nary!

President. Do yu own a fiteing dog?

Konduktor. Nothing ov the sort!

President. How much bank stock have yu got?

Konduktor. Not a red!

President. We shant want yu,—the Pordunk valley rale rode haz got done furnishing konduktors with these things.

Q.–What did Adam and Eve weigh when they left Paradise? A.–They weighed ankor and haint dropt it since.

DECEMBER MISSCELLANY.

GEMINI, THE ZODIAK TWINS.

I have asked several literary people if they would tell me whoze two children the Gemini waz, but they all shook their heds, and begun tew whissell. Maybe they thought i waz a kondem phool. I would just like tew know all about this. Thare iz 2 things in this life for which we are never fully prepared, and them iz twins. The zodiak twins are a kupple ov nice little phellows, if their piktur aint mistaken on the subjekt I never hav saw them only in their pikturs. Twins are two very interesting acksidents tew happen in sumboddy elses family, but one twin at a time suits me the most. In the zodiak sighns, the Gemini akt on the arms. I have alwus noticed that when a person haz twins the sighns are in the arms.

CLASS IN METAPHISICKS STAND UP.

Teacher. Which iz the most stubborist animile?

Skoller. The klam, he wont budge a bit!

Teacher. Who iz the most open gaited animile?

Skoller. The swine, he kan open enny kind ov a gate!

Teacher. Which iz the most sure footedest animile?

Skoller. The mewel, he kan hit a man twice in a seckond 10 foot oph.

Teacher. Who iz the most foolishest animile?

Skoller. The goose, he dont kno enuff to go in when it rains.

Teacher. Class in metaphisicks may set down.

Q.–What iz the hardest thing a man kan do? A.–Tend sumboddy else's baby.

SIGHNS AND WONDERS FOR THE YEAR 1874.

Whenever yu see a yung man hanging around a korner grosery, and drinking 3 cent gin every time he kan git enny boddy tew ask him, yu kan make up yure mind that he haz bin unanimously nominated for the stait prizon, and will probably git his elekshun.

Whenever yu see an old goose setting on a post hole, and trieing tew hatch the hole out, yu kan cum tew the konklushun that she is strikly a one idee goose.

Whenever a forlorn kat gits under yure windo, in a hot nite, and begins tew holler, yu may kno that kat wants sumthing,—killing, probberbly.

Whenever yu see a dog stop suddintly, in the road, with a flee onto him, and begin tew flea round, and round, after himself, untill he falls down, and rools over, yu will say tew yureself, that dorg iz like the wicked, he fleas, when no man perseweth.

OIL OF KONSOLASHUN.

The "Josh Billings Allminax" iz one ov our tex books, at the Pordunk Feminine Institoot.

Mrs. Charity Skidmore, A.M.

Medisin Book—Ugh!!

Spotted tail, Chief ov the Pawnees.

Full ov thought, full ov pathos, full ov phun.

John Brace, L.L.D.

It's a big thing, bi Jupiter.

Billy Murdok.

How spontaneous! How pathetic! How preponderating! How!—How are yu Josh!

Doktor Blake.

Oh yu pesky thing, Josh! yu are too killing.

Sally Ann Sprauge.

ADAM BILLINGS.

HIZ MEMORANDUM.

Adam Billings waz the fust ov the Billingses. He waz verry phatt. Little did he dream ov the glorious krop that waz a going tew spring up from hiz sowing. He waz born, az near as i kan figger, about the year 1200, more or less. Hiz temper iz represented az being az even az the figger 2. Hiz habits were az pure az the mountain dew; he never drinkt enny spiritous rum, nor root elevators. He went barefutt untill hiz 32d year, and ever afterwards luved the naked futt. He waz a good danser, and realized thoze blessed old shake downs, now gone and fled. He waz named after the original Adam, and iz sed, bi them who remember them both, tew resembel him mutch in the kast ov hiz face. He waz too fond ov the marvelous, he wouldn't tell a lie exackly, but he could cum az near tew it, az a swallo kan to a frog's noze, when they skim a mud puddle. Adam Billings iz now ded, i beleave, but if he aint, and this should meet hiz eye, he kant, i think, but admire the square manner in which his luvely relik haz handled his case. Adam Billings didn't leave much reputashun behind him, but what he did leave, is fair tew middling. We nee'r shall see him more. Probably not. Too true. Rather melankolly than otherwise.

MORAL.

Josh Billings, and the Yung Man.=

Yung Man, dont kry for spilt milk, but pik up yure pail, and milking stool, and go for the next Cow.=

Yures affekshionately, Josh Billings.

Tite Boots

Thare iz only one thing that kan be sed in favour ov tite Boots—they make a man forgit all his other Sorrows.= Josh Billings.

Q.–What iz ginger pop? A.–Gimnastic water.

ZEPHENIAH BILLINGS.

HIZ MEMORANDUM.

Zepheniah Billings waz a phiddler bi birth and purswashun. He also had another natral gift, and that waz tew owe everyboddy. Late in life he quit phiddling, and took up shumaking; but the world lost a good phidler bi the operashun, and got a kussid poor shumaker. Oh! 'tis ever thus. At hiz final deth he owed upwards ov 70 dollars, and hiz leavings konsisted ov one old phiddle, and a pint ov bass wood shupegs. He would travel on foot 7 miles tew a kuntry tavern, and phiddle all nite at a kuntry bawl for 75 cents, and owe the landlord two dollars and a half nex morning for vittles and drink. Zeph' was an unprofitable man to know, for he couldn't tend an evening meeting, on sunday, without running into det to sumboddy. It waz sed ov him, that he waz never known tew shed a tear or pa a det. He died finally, and i presume he was saved; but he may hav bin lost, for accidents will happen in the uppermost familys. He had a cool hed, and a warm harte. Bless Zepheniah Billings, he was a ripe skollar on the phiddle, and could pla "Tare her down Sal," and sich dear old sweet-savoured things, klean up tew perfekshun. He haz gone now, allass! allass! but i am prepared tew say, in the language ov another, "Bully for yu, Zepheniah!" All flesh iz grass. So iv'e bin told. Funny. Mutch.

MORAL.

Q.– What iz man? A.– Live dirt.

JEHOSSAPHATT BILLINGS.

HIS MEMORANDUM.

Jehossiphat Billings waz a very kluss man; he never waz known tew waste ennything, by giving it away. The grate extravaganse ov hiz life, and the one he never forgot tew speak ov, waz giving 3 dollars towards bilding the Pordunk meetin hous. After he giv the munny, he took such a deep interest in the work on the metin house, that the kommitty waz obliged tew giv him bak the munny to git shut ov him. He swore he'd sue them for the interest on the munny, but he never did. Jehoss' Billings waz one ov them kind ov men who mistake avarice for ekonemy. He died at the age of 63, if i hav sarched right, from an overdose ov klam chowder drank at a free lunch. Jehossiphatt Billings had his phailings, but rekless extravaganse want amung the lot, he also had his virteus, but blind and irrepressible generosity want among this lot neither. He waz buried, without eny fuss, in the year 1286. What has bekum ov him I kant state. Sleep on, Jehossiphat, in thi slumbers. I would like tew say sum more about Jehoss', but i kant without telling the truth. Truth iz sumtimes like a hot pertato, the only way tew handle it eazy, is tew drop it. I will dri up here. The end. Hush! Lay low.

MORAL.

Q.–What iz hash? A.–A konfidense game.

MELKISIDEK BILLINGS.

HIZ MEMORANDUM.

Melkisidek Billings waz a dandy ov the old skool, and also a lover. He loved the whole entire femail populashun. He parted hiz hare in the middle, and did it unkommon even. He had one grate weakness which grew on him, and that waz the length ov hiz little finger-nale. Historians say that this finger-nale gru tew be a yard in length, but it strikes me that this must be a profound lie. He waz a very punktillious man, in hiz every-day wear, and drest chuck up tew the fashun. Melkisidek hadn't mutch branes, but he didn't need much, for hiz bizzness thru life waz the lover bizzness. Just before he died he marrid, and left one dauter, a sentimental offspring, who afterwards run away, at the age ov 16, with a dansing master. Mel' Billings waz ov the nuter jender, he hadn't karakter enuff to do enny hurt, and ov kourse kouldn't do enny good. He died about the right time, anno dominoze, 1695, and waz buried comfortably in the grave yard, at lower Pordunk town. Melkisidek Billings waz mi ansesstor, and that waz kind in him. He had an epitaff on hiz stone which i dont rekolekt ov ever seeing in print before, and for the benefit ov those who studdy theze memorandums i will translate it. "An honest man iz the nobless work ov God." Good, aint it? Rather!

MORAL.

Q.–Define twins? A.–2 mutch.

SOLOMAN BILLINGS.

HIZ MEMORANDUM.

Soloman Billings waz born the 26th ov May, 1322, old stile. He waz knone fur and near for hiz chunks ov wisdum, but, like Soloman ov old, he could talk wisdum better than he could do it. This iz the way with all the wize men i hav met lately. Soloman Billings waz a leetle slippery, but he managed tew git thru life without slipping down mutch, and died reazonably well. He waz sed, bi all who knu him, tew be chuk full ov wisdum; he could tell, bi looking at the egg, how mutch a goslin would weigh before it waz born, and when the best time waz tew set a hen or a gate-post. Sol's mouth waz full ov wisdum; litening couldn't strike a tree, just for fun, but what he would preach a moral sermon from the tex. He waz dredful sertain ov what he did kno, and want the least bit unsertain ov what he didn't kno. I find in digging down tew the hard pan ov Soloman, mi ansesstor, that he had a grate deal ov vanity, a large amount ov impudense, a good supply ov inkredulity, just the things, for all the world, tew make a wize phool out of. He died az aforesed, and i look bak upon him az one who haz departed this life. Adew, Soloman, mi ansesstor. Deth iz tuff. Sumwhat! I will add, quite.

MORAL.

Josh Billings Ultimatum.

The man who kan wear a paper collar, a whole week, and keep it klean,—aint good for enny thing else.=

Jess so, Josh Billings.

Josh Billings, and the Bull.

Never take the Bull bi the horns Yung Man, but take him bi the tale. Then yu kan let go when yu want to.=

Yure warm friend, Josh Billings

Q.–What iz ignorance? A.–Raw happiness.

DUTERONOMY BILLINGS.

HIZ MEMORANDUM.

Duteronomy Billings waz a square man. He waz az square az the bloks on a checker-board. He waz just the same kind ov a man in the fall, az he waz in the spring ov the year; yu didn't hav tew winter him tew find out who he waz. He alwus did az he agreed, but waz dredful bakward about agreeing. Duteronomy waz immense in one thing, and that waz the length ov hiz noze. He had more noze ackordin, than enny man in history. One writer ov the eleventh sentury, sez hiz noze waz 8 inches in length, and another makes it a frackshun over 10 inches; i will split the difference, and call it 7. If Dute' waz alive now, i think he would sustain mi figgures. In writing theze details ov mi ansesstors, i am guided bi a luv tew do a square thing, and if i er, it will be all owing tew mi luk. I never waz right lucky since I had the meazles. They took place in the 14th year ov mi age, when i lived with mi unkle. I had them too thik. Duteronomy Billings waz named after old Duteronomy ov bible times, and az ansesstors run, he waz a very good kind ov a one tew hav. He died az he had lived, exackly square. In konklushun i will say lie still dear Dute', yu hav got a square thing. Thare iz force in the idee. I may add, grate force. Very. Indeed.

MORAL.

Q.–Define the hen? A.–A lay member.

PORKANBEANS BILLINGS.

HIZ MEMORANDUM.

Porkanbeans Billings lived and throve in the 16th sentury. He loved a horse with grate power. He could swop a horse clusser than enny man that imparshall history tells ov. He iz sed tew have swopped Deakon Absolem Featherweight, klean out ov a 5 year old sorrel horse, at one swop, and the deakon waz looked upon az almost insurmountable in a dikker. Not tew disguise the fakt, Porky Billings waz a hoss jockey ov the anshunt daze, one who hung around the village tavern, and alwuss had on hand an old flag-tailed pelter, with a glass eye, tew trade with ennyboddy. I dont feal like bragging ov Porkanbeans az an ansesstor, but i must say, az a horse jockey, (if all reports are trew) i feal proud ov him. I forgot tew state, that Porky left no property. Thare iz a grate deal ov genius in the horse-swop bizzness but fu assetts. Porkanbeans died instantly, sumwhare about the fust ov the 17th sentury. He waz struk bi the hind feet ov a mule. Moral karakter even wont save a phello-being from dissolushun, when a mule goes for him with both hind feet at once. Sich iz life. Sich iz the mule. Porkanbeans haz my sympathy, he also haz mi tears, but i dont serpose they will be worth mutch tew him now, he iz too ded. Fairwell old phello-being, fairwell mi ansesstor. Deth iz our porshun. I think i kan say this without making a phool ov miself. Undoubtedly. Yes. Jiss so.

MORAL.

Q.–Pleaze defin a good wife? A.–A silent partner in the consarn.

JAMAIKA BILLINGS.

HIZ MEMORANDUM.

Jamaika Billings waz sed bi good judges ov the artikle, tew be the lazyest man that ever visited this world. At the age ov 14 he waz pronounced bi the doktors too lazy tew ketch flies. He waz named after hiz unkle who had a grate speshiality in the jamaika-rum line, and who could float more ardent speerits, on an evener keel, than enny human kraft in thoze daze. Jamaika lived tew a grate extent; sum say that he waz 160 when he died, and sum put it at 142, but all giv in that he didn't di from enny disseaze, but kind ov lazyed tew deth. He waz born tired, and never outgru it. He marrid at 37, but hiz wife left him at the end ov the fust month ov their nupshalls, taking with her all the pussonell affekts, whitch were a kupple ov cedar wash-tubs, and a seckond-hand buggy harness, brass-mounted. Her fust name waz Polly Ann. They never met afterwards, if they did, history dont kno it. Jamak'e Billings didn't hav enny vice tew speak ov, he waz even too lazy for that. He seems tew hav spent hiz life in hanging around places, keeping ragged and phatt on nothing. He died in Old Pordunk, and i suppoze waz burried, but history dont say so, in jiss so menny words. He waz mi ansesstor, but i kant help it. Can I? I hav bin told not. Queer.

MORAL.

Q.–What iz a cock loft A.–A roosters hed.

EKLEEZIASTIKS BILLINGS.

HIZ MEMORANDUM.

Ekleeziastiks Billings waz a Puritan bi natur and occupashun. He waz az puritan az spring lam soaked in mint saus. Sum ov the most kold and thawless stok in all Nu England oozed from Ekleeze' Billings. He waz kreated nominally in the year 1570, and had hiz trunk packed tew cum over in the May Flower, but didn't cum. He cum over the nex fall, and went immejiately into the pilgrim bizzness. Ekleeziastiks kept a grocery store, and never sanded hiz sugar, nor watered hiz Nu England rum without fust asking tew be forgiv for it. How pure! how lam like! Ekleeziastiks waz very tall, but then he waz very thin; he waz over 6 feet perpendiklar, and not quite 7 inches thru. He weighed 146 with hiz winter clothes and cowhide boots on. He preserved hiz thinity unto deth. He died from eating too mutch garden-truk. How sad! how disinterested! Ekleesiastiks had one virtew which shines tew this day, he waz very saving ov hiz clothes. Hiz best blu koat, with brass buttons on, and a sharp tail tew it, he wore for 18 years, and then kut oph the buttons and had it prest out, and sent it tew the heathen. Ekleeze' waz both a saving and a libral kuss. He lived tew be over 90, and then died game; he wouldn't hav enny doktor. He dispized doktors bills. How touching! Truly. How touchful! Really.

MORAL.

Josh Billings, and the Twins. =

Thare iz 2 things in this world for which we are never fully prepared, and that is.—twins.=

Jess so, Jess so, Josh Billings.

Josh Billings on the haff shell.=

The man who swallowed the fust oyster, from the haff shell must hav been astonished, at the sudden way it waz dun, but I dont beleave he waz more suprized, than the oyster waz.= Josh.=

Q.–Define honesty? A.–The wag ov a dogs tail.

LUKE BILLINGS.

HIZ MEMORANDUM.

Luke Billings waz a skool-master ov the Nu England type and shaddo. He waz an uprite and an austere man, az uprite az a sperm kandle, and az austere az hoss-radish. I look bak onto Luke's memoirs and pitty him, for i pitty awl distrikt-skool masters, all mothers-in-law, and all grass widders. Luke Billings spent hiz whole life in the distrik-skool spekulashun, and died az poor az a salt kodfish. Hiz assetts konsisted ov a pocket-komb and a nu testament. He used tew board round the naborhood, and waz alwuss az hungry az a pikrel. He never had enny friends, nor enny enemys; he waz like a gide-board in this respek. Luke Billings never got marrid, he hadn't the time tew spare. He waz severely engaged, for 26 years, tew Nancy Burbanks, but they both died intestate. They sleep cluss together, in the old grave-yard, at lower Pordunk. Sleep on! sleep on! dear old virgin couple, and pay no attenshun tew noboddy. Lukey wore hiz hare long behind, and kept a distrik skool 34 years 6 months and 17 daze. Oh, dear! oh, dear! Luke i pitty yu. Luke Billings iz an ansesstor that i look bak upon every now and then with my memory, and want tew fite sumboddy on hiz ackount. Fairwell, luvely Luke. Fairwell Lukey. Fairwell. Enuff sed.

MORAL.

Q.–What iz a husband? A.–Gander ov the ockashun.

NEBUDKENNEZZAR BILLINGS.

HIZ MEMORANDUM.

Nebudkennezzar Billings waz an orphan bi birth, and kept a hotel, he did. When yu got fride pork at hiz house, it waz fride pork, it waz. Yu didn't hav a bill ov fare tew tell what it waz, yu didn't. Hiz wife waz smarter than chane litening, and kleaner than a ghost, she waz. Her hash didn't hav enny paving-stuns, nor kart-wheels in it, it didn't. Yu mite az well hunt for the lost tribes ov Izrael on her premises, az to hunt for a kokroach, yu mite. Neb's wife had red hare, and waz bony put together, and could fri pork, tend bar, harness a hoss, trade with a peddlar, and make a gin-sling that could almost talk, she could. Nebudkennezzar Billings waz a pollytishioner, and run hard for konstable in old Pordunk, for menny times, he did. It iz justiss tew hiz memoirs tew state, that tho he run well, the offiss alwuss beat him, it did. He never got elekted, he didn't. How prekarious! how impekunious! how transhunt! Alass! alass! Neb' waz kreated in 1502, and dissoluted in 1569, and spent hiz whole life in the hash bizzness, he did. Hiz wife waz boss while here on earth, and will undertake tew be hereafter, she will. But she kant, kan she? She kant. Happy it iz that thare iz a thussness in theze things. Thrice happy. Even nobby. That's so.