BOYS and GIRLS
Reading edition
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AN OVERRATED BOOK.
"Bosh!" cried Bobby. "What good is a dictionary? It only tells you the meaning of words you know about; but when a baby says 'goo-goo' and 'gah-gah' at you, and you wonder what he means, it doesn't help a bit."
NOT A BRIGHT PROSPECT.
"Well, Harry, I suppose you expect to be President of the United States some day."
"I'm afraid not," said Harry. "My party's all gone to pieces. Why, even I ain't in it any more."
VALENTINE BY PROXY.
In Ethel's palm the goat The valentine would place, But finding it so sweet, He swallowed it with grace. When little Ethel saw Such rapture on him shine, She murmured, "I will be Ronaldo's Valentine." And now Ronaldo's joy's On every breeze afloat, Since to her was his wish Translated by the goat. R. K. M.
ONE WAY TO MAKE A RECORD.
"I got fifteen valentines," said Jackey—"one from pa, one from ma, one from Jennie, and two from Mollie Perkins."
"Where did the other ten come from?"
"Oh, I sent the other ten to myself."
At a political meeting in Kansas during the late campaign a free-silver speaker was orating upon the subject of the "masses" and the "classes," and finally exclaimed, "Is not one man as good as another in this free country of ours?"
A farmer in the audience cried out, "Sure, and a great deal better!"
NO NEED TO LEARN.
"I'm afraid you'll never know how to write, Tommie," said his teacher, sadly.
"Don't care," said Tommie. "Uncle Jim is going to send me a type-writer for my birthday."
A poor Irish woman took a copper kettle to a pawn-shop in order to secure some money.
"I should think you would not want to put this up," remarked the pawnbroker. "What will you cook your dinner in?"
"Sure it's to get money to buy meat with to put in it that I'm pawnin' the thing."
A New York police magistrate, who has made a reputation for irascibility, was scolding half a dozen hawkers and peddlers who had been arrested for standing about and encumbering the sidewalks. "We can't allow this," exclaimed the excitable magistrate. "If everybody stood in the street, how could anybody get by?"
IN THE TRAINED-MONKEYS' CAGE.
First Monkey. "You remember that boy who was teasing me yesterday? I caught him by the wrist and pretty nearly twisted his arm off."
Second Monkey. "Yes; I heard him tell another boy he got hurt by a monkey-wrench."
The story is told that Daniel Webster, when on his way by stage-coach to Washington once, was looked upon with suspicion by his travelling companions. Finally one of the latter tapped him on the knee and said,
"How far are you going?"
"I am going to Washington," answered Webster.
"Are you a merchant?" continued the inquirer.
"No, I am a Senator," replied Webster.
"Well, well!" exclaimed the other, holding out his hand. "I am relieved. We feared you might be a highwayman."
Two Irishmen were repairing a well over on Long Island, when suddenly one of them missed his footing and fell to the bottom. The other, greatly excited, leaned over the edge and exclaimed,
"Denny! oh, Denny! are ye dead?"
No answer came. Then he called again,
"Denny, if you're dead, speak!"
Presently the fellow at the bottom replied,
"Sure I'm not quite dead, man, but I'm spachless!"
A HARD PROBLEM.
"What I can't understand," said Wilbur, "is why in winter, when it's cold and we'd like to keep warm, we've snowballs to play with; while in summer, when we'd give a million to be cool, they give us fireworks on the Fourth of July?"
COASTING AND COASTING.
"Come on coasting."
"Nope—too cold. I hate coasting in winter."
"Hoh! When else could you?"
"In summer, on board of a cat-boat."
A DISTINCTION.
"Dear me, Johnnie, what have you been doing? You are all over ink."
"No, mamma," said Johnnie, "I ain't! The ink is all over me."