Epigrams.

MARTIAL’S EPIGRAM ON EPIGRAMS.

Omnis epigramma, sit instar apis; sit aculeus illi,

Sint sua mella, sit et corporis exigui.

[Three things must epigrams, like bees, have all,—

A sting, and honey, and a body small.]

MIDAS AND MODERN STATESMEN.

Midas, they say, possessed the art, of old,

Of turning whatsoe’er he touched to gold.

This, modern statesmen can reverse with case;

Touch them with gold, they’ll turn to what you please.

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INSCRIBED ON A STATUE TO SLEEP.

Somne levis, quanquam certissima mortis imago,

Consortem cupio te tamen esse tori,

Alma quies, optata, veni, nam sic sine vita

Vivere quam suave est, sic sine morte mori.—Warton.

[Light sleep, though death’s strong image, prythee give

Thy fellowship while in my couch I lie;

O gentle, wished-for rest, how sweet to live

Thus without life, and without death to die!]^[18]

TO DR. ROBERT FREIND, WHO WROTE LONG EPITAPHS.

Freind, for your epitaphs I’m grieved,

Where still so much is said:

One half will never be believed,

The other never read.—Pope.

THE FOOL AND THE POET.

Sir, I admit your general rule,

That every poet is a fool;

But you yourself may serve to show it

That every fool is not a poet.—Pope.

DUM VIVIMUS VIVAMUS.

Live while you live, the epicure would say,

And seize the pleasures of the present day.

Live while you live, the sacred preacher cries,

And give to God each moment as it flies.

Lord, in my view let both united be;

I live in pleasure while I live to thee.—Doddridge.

TO “MOLLY ASTON,”

A celebrated “beauty, scholar, and wit,” who spoke in praise of liberty.

Liber ut esse velim, suasisti, pulchra Maria:

Ut maneam liber, pulchra Maria, vale!—Dr. Johnson.

[Freedom you teach, fair Mary. To be free,

Farewell, lest I should be enslaved by thee!]

ON ONE IGNORANT AND ARROGANT.

Thou mayst of double ignorance boast,

Who knowst not that thou nothing knowst.—Owen, Trans. by Cowper.

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TO OUR BED.

In bed we laugh, in bed we cry;

And born in bed, in bed we die:

The near approach the bed may show

Of human bliss to human woe.—Benserade.

LATE REPENTANCE.

Pravus, that aged debauchee,

Proclaimed a vow his sins to quit;

But is he yet from any free,

Except what now he can’t commit?

ON A PALE LADY WITH A RED-NOSED HUSBAND.

Whence comes it that in Clara’s face

The lily only has its place?

Is it because the absent rose

Has gone to paint her husband’s nose?

ON SOME SNOW THAT MELTED ON A LADY’S BREAST.

Those envious flakes came down in haste,

To prove her breast less fair,

But, grieved to find themselves surpassed,^[19]

Dissolved into a tear.

SELYAGGI’S DISTICH ADDRESSED TO JOHN MILTON.

While at Rome.

Græcia Mœonidem, jactet sibi Roma Maronem,

Anglia Miltonum jactat utrique parem.

DRYDEN’S AMPLIFICATION.

Three poets in three distant ages born,

Greece, Italy, and England did adorn.

The first in loftiness of thought surpassed;

The next, in majesty; in both, the last.

The force of nature could no further go:

To make a third, she joined the former two.

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ON BUTLER’S MONUMENT.

While Butler, needy wretch, was yet alive,

No generous patron would a dinner give.

See him, when starved to death and turned to dust,

Presented with a monumental bust.

The poet’s fate is hero in emblem shown:

He asked for bread, and he received a stone.—S. Wesley.

OVERDRAWN COMPLIMENT.

So much, dear Pope, thy English Homer charms,

As pity melts us, or as passion warms,

That after-ages will with wonder seek

Who ’twas translated Homer into Greek.

SUGGESTED BY A GERMAN TOURIST.

Who accompanied Prince Albert into Scotland.

Charmed with the drink which Highlanders compose,

A German traveller exclaimed, with glee,

“Potztausend! sare, if this be Athol Brose,^[20]

How good the Athol Boetry must be!”—Tom Hood.

ETERNITY.

Reason does but one quaint solution lend

To nature’s deepest yet divinest riddle;

Time is a beginning and an end,

Eternity is nothing but a middle.

OCCASIONED BY THE LOSS OF A CLERGYMAN’S PORTMANTEAU,

Containing his Sermons.

I’ve lost my portmanteau.

“I pity your grief.”

It contained all my sermons.

“I pity the thief!”

TO A LIVING AUTHOR.

Your comedy I’ve read, my friend,

And like the half you pilfered, best;

But sure the piece you yet may mend:

Take courage, man! and steal the rest.

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THE FRUGAL QUEEN.

One Queen Artemisia, as old stories tell,

When deprived of her husband she lovéd so well,

In respect for the love and affection he showed her,

She reduced him to dust, and she drank off the powder.

But Queen Netherplace, of a different complexion,

When called on to order the funeral direction,

Would have ate her dead lord, on a slender pretence,

Not to show her respect, but—to save the expense!—Burns.

ON COMMISSARY GOLDIE’S BRAINS.

Lord, to account who dares thee call,

Or e’er dispute thy pleasure?

Else why within so thick a wall

Enclose so poor a treasure?—Burns.

GIVING AND TAKING.

“I never give a kiss,” says Prue,

“To naughty man, for I abhor it.”

She will not give a kiss, ’tis true:

She’ll take one, though, and thank you for it.—Moore.

TO ——.

“Moria pur quando vuol non è bisogna mutar ni faccia ni voce per esser un Angelo.”

Die when you will, you need not wear

At Heaven’s court a form more fair

Than beauty here on earth has given;

Keep but the lovely looks we see,—

The voice we hear,—and you will be

An angel ready-made for heaven!—Moore.

THE LOVER TO HIS MISTRESS, WITH A PRESENT OF A MIRROR.

This mirror my object of love will unfold

Whensoe’er your regard it allures:

Oh, would, when I’m gazing, that I might behold

On its surface the object of yours!

TO A CAPRICIOUS FRIEND.

Difficilis, facilis, jucundus, acerbus es idem,

Nec tecum possum vivere, nec sine te.—Martial.

[In all thy humors, whether grave or mellow,

Thou’rt such a touchy, testy, pleasant fellow,

Hast so much wit, and mirth, and spleen about thee,

There is no living with thee, nor without thee.—Addison.]

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MENDAX.

See! yonder goes old Mendax, telling lies

To that good, easy man with whom he’s walking.

How know I that? you ask, with some surprise;

Why, don’t you see, my friend, the fellow’s talking!—Lessing.

ON FELL.

While Fell was reposing himself on the hay,

A reptile, concealed, bit his leg as he lay;

But, all venom himself, of the wound he made light,

And got well, while the scorpion died of the bite.—Lessing.

ON AN ILL-READ LAWYER.

An idle attorney besought a brother

For “something to read,—some novel or other,

That was really fresh and new.”

“Take Chitty!” replies his legal friend:

“There isn’t a book that I could lend,

That would prove more ‘novel’ to you!”—Saxe.

WOMAN’S WILL.

Men dying make their wills; but wives

Escape a work so sad:

Why should they make what all their lives

The gentle dames have had?—Saxe.

WELLINGTON’S NOSE.

“Pray, why does the great Captain’s nose

Resemble Venice?” Duncomb cries.

“Why,” quoth Sam Rogers, “I suppose

Because it has a bridge of size (sighs).”

ONE GOOD TURN DESERVES ANOTHER.

A poor man went to hang himself

But treasure chanced to find:

He pocketed the miser’s pelf,

And left the rope behind.

His money gone, the miser hung

Himself in sheer despair:

Thus each the other’s wants supplied,

And that was surely fair.

BAD SONGSTERS.

Swans sing before they die: ’twere no bad thing

Did certain persons die before they sing.—Coleridge.

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ON A BAD FIDDLER.

Old Orpheus played so well, he moved Old Nick;

But thou mov’st nothing but thy fiddle-stick.

ON A CERTAIN D.D.

Who, from a peculiarity in his walk, had acquired the sobriquet of Dr. Toe, being jilted by Miss H., who eloped with her father’s footman.

’Twixt footman Sam and Doctor Toe

A controversy fell,

Which should prevail against his foe,

And bear away the belle.

The lady chose the footman’s heart.

Say, who can wonder? no man:

The whole prevailed above the part:

’Twas Foot-man versus Toe-man.

ON AN OLD LADY WHO MARRIED HER FOOTMAN.

Old Lady Lovejoy, aged just threescore,

Whose lusty footboy rode behind, before,

Is, in a fit of fondness, grown so kind,

He rides within, who rode before, behind.

“HOT CORN.”

“How much corn may a gentleman eat?” whispered P,

While the cobs on his plate lay in tiers.

“As to that,” answered Q, as he glanced at the heap,

“’Twill depend on the length of his ears.”

BONNETS.

In 1817, when straw bonnets first came into general use, it was common to trim them with artificial wheat or barley, in ears; whence the following:—

Who now of threatening famine dare complain,

When every female forehead teems with grain?

See how the wheat-sheaves nod amid the plumes:

Our barns are now transferred to drawing-rooms,

And husbands who indulge in active lives,

To fill their granaries, may thresh their wives!

Campbell, the poet, was asked by a lady to write something original in her album. He wrote,—

An original something, dear maid, you would win me

To write; but how shall I begin?

For I’m sure I have nothing original in me,

Excepting original sin.

522“How very easy ’tis,” cries Tom, “to write!

I find ’t no hardship verses to indite.”

“To credit that,” quoth Dick, “no oaths we need:

The hardship is for those who have to read.”

Thy verses are eternal, O my friend!

For he who reads them, reads them to no end.

Unfortunate lady, how sad is your lot!

Your ringlets are red, and your poems are not.

PRUDENT SIMPLICITY.

That thou mayst injure no man, dove-like be;

And serpent-like, that none may injure thee!—Cowper.

TO A FRIEND IN DISTRESS.

I wish thy lot, now bad, still worse, my friend;

For when at worst, they say, things always mend.—Cowper.

HOG vs. BACON.

Judge Bacon once trying a man, Hog by name,

Who made with his lordship of kindred a claim;

“Hold,” said the judge,—“you’re a little mistaken

Hog must be hung first before ’tis good Bacon.”

A WARM RECEPTION.

Rusticus wrote a letter to his love,

And filled it full of warm and keen desire;

He hoped to raise a flame, and so he did:

The lady put his nonsense in the fire.

MEDICAL ADVICE.

“I’m very ill,” said Skinflint, once essaying

To get a doctor’s counsel without paying.

“I see it,” quoth the wily old physician;

“You’re in a most deplorable condition.”

“But tell me,” cried the miser, “for God’s sake,

Tell me, dear doctor, what I ought to take.”

“Take! as to that—why, take, at any price,”

Replied the leech, “take medical advice!”

DEFINITION OF A DENTIST.

A dentist fashions teeth of bone

For those whom fate has left without,

And finds provision for his own

By pulling other people’s out.

523Dr. Samuel Goodenough, Bishop of Carlisle, preached on one occasion before the House of Commons. The event gave rise to the following:—

’Tis well-enough that Goodenough

Before the House should preach;

For sure-enough full bad-enough

Are those he has to teach.

WHAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN.

As two divines their ambling steeds bestriding,

In merry mood o’er Boston Neck were riding,

Sudden a simple structure met their sight,

From which the convict takes his hempen flight;

When sailor-like he bids adieu to hope,

His all depending on a single rope.

“Say, brother,” cried the one, “pray where were you

Had yonder gallows been allowed its due?”

“Where?” cried the other, in sarcastic tone,

“Why, where but riding into town alone.”

A REFLECTION.

Says the Earth to the Moon “You’re a pilfering jade;

What you steal from the Sun is beyond all belief.”

Fair Cynthia replies, “Madam Earth, hold your prate;

The receiver is always as bad as the thief.”

“THE WOMAN GAVE ME OF THE TREE.”

When Eve upon the first of men

The apple pressed with specious cant,

Oh, what a thousand pities, then,

That Adam was not Adamant.

THE BLADES OF THE SHEARS.

Two lawyers when a knotty case was o’er,

Shook hands, and were as friendly as before;

“Zounds!” said the client, “I would fain know how

You can be friends, who were such foes just now?”

“Thou fool!” said one, “We lawyers, though so keen,

Like shears, ne’er cut ourselves, but what’s between.”

524The following was written by Southey on Queen Elizabeth’s dining on board Sir Francis Drake’s ship, on his return from circumnavigating the globe:—

Oh, Nature! to old England still

Continue these mistakes;

Give us for all our Kings such Queens,

And for our Dux such Drakes.

INVISIBLE.

I cannot praise your parson’s eyes;

I never see his eyes divine,

For when he prays he shuts his eyes,

And when he preaches he shuts mine.

IMPERSONAL.

Quoth Madam Bas Bleu, “I hear you have said,

Intellectual women are always your dread;

Now tell me, dear sir, is it true?”

“Why, yes,” said the wag, “Very likely I may

Have made the remark in a jocular way;

But then, on my honor, I didn’t mean you.”

AFFINITIES.

“A lady, once, whose love was sold,

Asked if a reason could be told,

Why wedding rings were made of gold:

I ventured thus to instruct her:—

Love and lightning are the same;

On earth they glance, from Heaven they came:

Love is the soul’s electric flame—

And gold its best conductor.”

THE CRIER WHO COULD NOT CRY.

I heard a judge his tipstaff call

And say, “Sir, I desire

You go forthwith and search the Hall,

And send to me the crier.”

“And search, my Lord, in vain, I may”—

The tipstaff gravely said—

“The Crier cannot cry to-day,

Because his wife is dead.”

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THE PARSON AND BUTCHER.

A parson and a butcher chanced, they say,

To meet and moralize one Sabbath day.

“Ah!” cries the parson, “all things good and fair,

All that is virtuous, wise, belovéd, rare,

Is sure the first to feel the stroke of fate;

While vice and folly have a longer date.”

“True,” cries the butcher, “for it is decreed,

The fattest pig, alas! must soonest bleed.”

THE CLOCK.

A mechanic his labor will often discard,

If the rate of his pay he dislikes;

But a clock—and its case is uncommonly hard—

Will continue to work though it strikes.—Hood.

MASCULINE.

“What pity ’tis,” said John, the sage,

“That women should, for hire,

Expose themselves upon the stage,

By wearing men’s attire!”

“Expose!” cries Ned, who loves a jeer;

“In sense you surely fail:

What do the darlings have to fear

When clad in coats-of-male?”

IN RETURN FOR A LADY’S SKETCH OF THE APOLLO.

If fair Apollo drew his bow

As well as you have drawn it here,

No wonder that he carries woe

To many a maiden far and near.

One difference, though, I understand,

Between this picture and the giver:

Apollo keeps his bow in hand—

You keep your beaux upon the quiver.

WIDOWS.

As in India, one day, an Englishman sat

With a smart native lass at the window,

“Do your widows burn themselves? pray tell me that?”

Said the pretty, inquisitive Hindoo.

“Do they burn? ah, yes,” the gentleman said,

“With a flame not so easy to smother:

Our widows, the moment one husband is dead,

Immediately burn for another!”—Canning.

526The following epigram by Samuel Rogers, on Lord Dudley’s studied speeches in Parliament, was pronounced by Byron, in conversation with Lady Blessington, “one of the best in the English language, with the true Greek talent of expressing, by implication, what is wished to be conveyed:”—

Ward has no heart, they say, but I deny it:

He has a heart, and gets his speeches by it.

On the marriage of Dr. Webb with Miss Gould, a classical friend sent him the following:—

Tela fuit simplex statuens decus addere telæ,

Fecit hymen geminam puroque intexuit auro.

[Single no more, a double Webb behold;

Hymen embroidered it with virgin Gould.]

AFTER GOING TO LAW.

This law, they say, great nature’s chain connects,

That causes ever must produce effects.

In me behold reversed great nature’s laws,—

All my effects lost by a single cause.

SAME JAWBONE.

Jack eating rotten cheese did say,

“Like Samson I my thousands slay.”

“I vow,” says Roger, “so you do,

And with the selfsame weapon too.”

A FUNNY DETERMINATION.

Queenly Miss Quaint, the aim of whose life

Is to die an old maid or a minister’s wife,

Grotesquely averred, after hearing young Spread,

“I’ll hear him all day, if I walk on my head!”

“Good!” said old Hunx, with a comical smile;

“But please, if you’re late, don’t come up the broad aisle!”

MARRIAGE À LA MODE.

“Tom, you should take a wife.” “Nay, God forbid!”

“I found you one last night.” “The deuce you did!”

“Softly! perhaps she’ll please you.” “Oh, of course!”

“Eighteen.” “Alarming!” “Witty.” “Nay, that’s worse!”

“Discreet.” “All show!” “Handsome.” “To lure the fellows!”

“High-born.” “Ay, haughty!” “Tender-hearted.” “Jealous!”

“Talents o’erflowing.” “Ay, enough to sluice me!”

“And then, Tom, such a fortune!” “Introduce me!”

527

QUID PRO QUO.

“Marriage, not mirage, Jane, here in your letter:

With your education, you surely know better.”

Quickly spoke my young wife, while I sat in confusion,

“’Tis quite correct, Thomas: they’re each an illusion.”

WOMAN—CONTRA.

When Adam, waking, first his lids unfolds

In Eden’s groves, beside him he beholds

Bone of his bone, flesh of his flesh, and knows

His earliest sleep has proved his last repose.

WOMAN—PRO.

Not she with traitorous kiss her Saviour stung,

Not she denied him with unholy tongue:

She, when apostles shrunk, could danger brave;

Last at the cross, and earliest at the grave.—Barrett.

ABUNDANCE OF FOOLS.

The world of fools has such a store,

That he who would not see an ass

Must bide at home, and bolt his door,

And break his looking-glass.—La Monnoye.

THE WORLD.

’Tis an excellent world that we live in

To lend, to spend, or to give in;

But to borrow, or beg, or get a man’s own,

’Tis just the worst world that ever was known.

TERMINER SANS OYER.

“Call silence!” the judge to the officer cries;

“This hubbub and talk, will it never be done?

Those people this morning have made such a noise,

We’ve decided ten causes without hearing one.”

DOUBLE VISION UTILIZED.

An incipient toper was checked t’other day,

In his downward career, in a very strange way.

The effect of indulgence, he found to his trouble,

Was that after two bottles he came to see double;

When with staggering steps to his home he betook him,

He saw always two wives, sitting up to rebuke him.

One wife in her wrath makes a pretty strong case;

But a couple thus scolding, what courage could face?

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