Funny stories told by the soldiersHIS MASTER’S VOICEReading editionChapter navigation310 reading sectionsGo to chapterChoose a chapter…FUNNY STORIESPREFACESECRETARY BAKER TELLS A GOOD ONEDID SHE SAVE DOC ONE?WANTED TO KILL THE COOKSYOU CAN’T BEAT THE IRISHASK SOMEONE FROM MISSOURICLARK STREET ENGLISHHIS MASTER’S VOICEELEGY WRITTEN IN A BELGIAN DOORYARDWHEN PRESIDENT WILSON LAUGHEDBEEF, MILK AND BEERTOO BAD SHE HADN’T MORE SONSWHY HE GOT THIRTY DAYSTIME TO SWEAR OFFTHE CHOCOLATE SOLDIERSNO FOOTSTEPS IN THE AIRCHICKEN FEED ON BROADWAYTHIS WAS IN ENGLANDVERY LADYLIKEHE DROPS INTO POETRYTHIS PLEASED THE COLONELDID THE CHAPLAIN SWEAR?ONE SWEET KISS LOSTA COINCIDENCE OF WARGERMAN PAPERS, PLEASE NOTEUNANIMOUSPA WAS THE GENERALTOUGH ON GOMPERSHAD THE RIGHT DOPETELL THIS NOT IN BOSTONTHE MESSAGE WAS SOBER, ANYHOWHE HADN’T FINISHEDTHE OOZING OF THE COONSSHE WAS IN UNIFORMNO CHALLENGING OUT OF HIS CLASSCALLING HIM SISSY?HOW DISAPPOINTED HE’LL BEAMERICAN HUMOR IN FRANCESNOBBERY SQUELCHEDBLASTED HOPESPROFITABLE AUTHORSHIPTHE “LONG, LONG TRAIL” OVER THEREHIS OWN PERSONAL WARWHEN TOMMY LAUGHSONE OF THOSE IRISH BULLSWHEN GERMANY SALUTED A PIGAND SO IT PROVEDWASHINGTON GETS THESE, TOOBLACK MAGICSUCH EXCUSES AS THEY MAKEHE HAD TROUBLES, TOOWHAT COULD HE MEAN?NEVER MIND THE TARGETA LADY FROM HELLTHEORY VS. FACTONWARD, CHRISTIAN SOLDIER!WHO WAS THE JOKE ON?REAL YANKEE LANGUAGEDAMN THE KAISERFUN FOR THE MISSUSGERMAN RESTITUTIONBUT DID CHARLEY TELL IT?LONG-DISTANCE FAREWELLNINE GIRLS TOO MANYWHY NOT BOTH?ONLY GOOD GERMANS WERE LEFTA BREEZY RETORTPATTING MISSOURI ON THE BACKYOU CAN’T BEAT SUCH BOYSHOW TO BE FUNNY IN WARTIMENOW ON A WAR-BASISHUMANITY IN WARFLATLY IMPOSSIBLETHE FRATERNAL SIDE OF WARNO TIME TO WASTEHER GENTLE COME-BACKHIS MIND WAS WANDERINGTHE SEX OF THE KILTIESPLAY BALL!HE’D BEEN THERE HIMSELFEIGHTEEN YEARS OF HOPEA NICKNAME THAT STUCKPAT WAS SMOKINGFORGOT HIS LINESSO THERE’S PLENTY OF ITLIVELY ENEMYNO REGRETSTOO MUCH WASTED EFFORTMAD ENOUGH TO LICK ANYONEWORKING THE WARSANDY WAS SCOTCHBROWN WASN’T GREENANYTHING TO GET AWAYNATURALLY WISHED TO SEE HERZEPPELINITISPALESTINE VS. PURGATORYDON’T ALL SPEAK AT ONCEWELL SEASONEDNOT TO BE DONEUNCERTAIN TRAIN SCHEDULEREAL STRATEGYHE KNEW THE BREEDDESERVED PROMOTIONMIXED HER DATESHOOVER, GOD AND THREE OTHERSIT TAKES FIFTEEN YEARS, SONAW, BE A SPORT, HUBBYNOT ON THE PROGRAMWHERE HIS AUTHORITY BEGANA TENNYSONIAN TODDYWHY REMIND THEM OF IT?HE’D HEARD HER SINGWHY FRANCE WONMUCH THE SAFEST PLANTHE OLD FAMILIAR WORDSWITH A COMMA AFTER “RED”HOLES CLEAR THROUGH HIMWAS THIS FOREORDAINED?WILLING TO PAY THE PRICEWAR’S COMPENSATIONSCAP WAS A SURE WINNERONLY A RUSE AFTER ALLTRY IT ON THE YANKSHER MEASURE OF SUCCESSBETTER MAKE AN OMELETTHE USUAL PREFERENCENOTHING TO FIGHT FORBOTH UP AND DOWN, AUNTIESECURING A TEMPORARY DIVORCEREMINDS ONE OF PLATTSBURGMONOLOGUE, BY NAT M. WILLSPARDONABLE MISTAKEHE WAS REAL MAD ABOUT ITHE KNEW WHERE THEY WEREJUST A BIT OF TRENCH REPARTEENOT MENTIONABLE IN SOCIETYNOW SHE KNOWS WHYINTERCEPTED WAR MESSAGESWHAT MOTHERS ALWAYS SAYFASHION NOTE FROM THE FRONTONE GERMAN WE FORGIVEEQUINE “NOW I LAY ME”ONE BRITISH ATROCITYNEVER MIND THE NAMEFRENCH IN THE TRENCHSCOTCH PROVISIONSVERY LIKE MOSESTHEY FIXED YOU, WILLIESAFETY FIRSTNO SUGAR IN HEAVENYOU CAN’T DO THIS IN BATTLENOW IT’S “ALL DUNN”A LAST FAREWELLTOO MODEST BY FARANOTHER WAR CASUALTYPREACHER HAD A SCOOPTHERE IS TIME FOR BOTHTHEY DO SOUND ALIKENO TIME TO SAY ALL OF ITNO MAIL TO HADESMORE TO THE PURPOSEWHAT WE MAY EXPECT NOWEIGHT MILES FOR HIMNO FIGHTING FOR HIMHOW HUNS TICKLED THEMSELVES’TWASN’T HIS FAULTVERY GOOD, PUNCHHE KNEW ABOUT COWSWILLING TO TREATAND FULL OF TABASCOCAUSE FOR DEPRESSIONENOUGH TO WARRANT EXEMPTIONCHANGED HIS TUNEFROM HIS POINT OF VIEWTHOSE PET NAMES FOR OFFICERSTOO MUCH HARVARDWOULDN’T INSULT THE JACKONE WAY TO GET EVEN“HONEY” DRAWS THE LINEWILLING TO EXPLAINCAUSE FOR ANNOYANCESHE KNEW HIS MERITSCENSORING THE CLOUDSIT CAN’T BE DONEA TWO-BIT HEROONE OF THE FEW THAT HAVEHOWL INDEFINITELY POSTPONEDAND THEY DRINK GRAPE JUICELESS METERS, LESS GASYOU KNOW THAT PAPERCHANCE TO GET EVENTHE WAY THINGS LOOKED IN 1916CAUSE FOR REJOICINGBUT NOT THIS TIMEEVIDENCE OF REFINEMENTEVENING THINGS UPAN INTERIOR PROBLEMBEEN “GETTING UP” EVER SINCEMERELY A WAY-STATIONOBEYING ORDERSNO ABSENT TREATMENT WANTEDCAUSE FOR CONFIDENCEJUST GOT ON TO ITREADY FOR ANY SNAKEDID HE GET HER MEANING?IT’S THE SHELLSOFFENSIVE PREPARATIONSGETTING BACK AT HEINEZOOLOGICAL MONSTROSITYNOT WANTED ANYWHERETHERE WAS A PAIR OF THEMNOT AS INTENDEDCHEERING NEWSWHY THIS DELAY?PERHAPS YOU HAVE WONDEREDNO CREEDS IN WARTIMEBUT IT’S MEN WHO PAY THEMACQUIRING WIFELY ARTSTHE NERVE OF THE COOKFOOD WILL WIN THE WARGIVING THEM A SEND-OFFDON’T BELIEVE ALL YOU HEARYOU’VE SEEN THEMPLACING THE BLAMEPROOF POSITIVECARBOLIC STARTED THISFROM SANTA CLAUS IN WASHINGTONTHIS BEATS ALLPAT WAS STRINGING HIMANOTHER HUN ATROCITYKNEW HIM WELLENOUGH TO MAKE A KING LAUGHTOO SLEEPY TO BE SCAREDSHE UNDERSTOOD WOMENWELL, THAT WAS HIS COMPANYSPOIL OF WARCHEERFUL NEWS FROM ‘OVER THERE’HE KNEW WHAT TO USETHEY CAN’T WORK THIS ANY MOREIMPORTANT INFORMATION WANTEDTHAT WAS THE HYMN NUMBERTEMPORARYBOOZE FIGHTERSVERY PROPER ANSWERWHAT DISCOURAGED HIMGOING SOMEWHEREOUTRANKED IN THE KITCHENSURPRISE FOR THE GERMANSNO LEAD PIPE CINCHSERVED HIM RIGHT!QUITE A CONTRASTAND HOLDING IT YETFOOLING THE COOTIESTHIS IS A MANWANTED SOMETHING STATIONARYYET THEY FOUGHT NOBLYPHYSICAL IMPOSSIBILITYTHE QUICKER THE SOONERTRANSPORTS OF JOYWHERE HE IS EXPERTNO MULES IN THE AIRDEAR LITTLE BOYTHEN SHE HAD THEM PRESSEDUNUSUAL OFFICERNOT SERIOUSLY DAMAGEDORDERS, BUT NO SALESTHOSE FOOL QUESTIONSPROUD OF THEIR SOLDIERSNOT FLATTERING HIM ANYONLY KIND HE KNEWNOT HIS KIND OF JEWELRYMORE DANGEROUS, ALSOSAME IN ALL LANGUAGESSHE KNEW JIMTHEN HE GOT THIRTY DAYS K. P.PLEASED IS NO NAME FOR ITGENUINE CHICKEN DINNERON THE ORIGINAL FIRING LINEPLAY THE GAMESHE WAS USED TO ITSPIRIT OF FRANCERECOGNIZED THE RESEMBLANCEPROOF POSITIVECAN SHOW WHAT HE’S GOOD FORGLAD HE TALKED TO GEN. PERSHINGBEFORE ONE CAN TURN AROUNDONE ON THE COLONELA GRAND STAND PLAYTHE NEGRO IN AUTHORITYDON’T YOU DO IT, TOMMYNO PROHIBITION THERECHAFFING EACH OTHERGETTING ON FASTNO WONDER HE REBELLEDTHEY ALL GET ’EMREACHED HIS LIMITSEEKING INFORMATIONBIRDS FAR SURPASSEDNO KICK COMINGA REAL SPREEMOVING PICTURE IN ONE REELUSEFUL AND ORNAMENTALTHE MILITARY HAIR CUTBASEBALL IN BLIGHTYUNIVERSAL COMPLAINTSAMPLE WAS SATISFACTORYNO FUN WITHOUT FUNDSTHOUGHT HE HAD ARRIVED“COUNT ’EM NOW, MISTAH KAISER”Previous chapter ←CLARK STREET ENGLISHNext chapter →ELEGY WRITTEN IN A BELGIAN DOORYARDAll chapters and sections (310)FUNNY STORIESPREFACESECRETARY BAKER TELLS A GOOD ONEDID SHE SAVE DOC ONE?WANTED TO KILL THE COOKSYOU CAN’T BEAT THE IRISHASK SOMEONE FROM MISSOURICLARK STREET ENGLISHHIS MASTER’S VOICEELEGY WRITTEN IN A BELGIAN DOORYARDWHEN PRESIDENT WILSON LAUGHEDBEEF, MILK AND BEERTOO BAD SHE HADN’T MORE SONSWHY HE GOT THIRTY DAYSTIME TO SWEAR OFFTHE CHOCOLATE SOLDIERSNO FOOTSTEPS IN THE AIRCHICKEN FEED ON BROADWAYTHIS WAS IN ENGLANDVERY LADYLIKEHE DROPS INTO POETRYTHIS PLEASED THE COLONELDID THE CHAPLAIN SWEAR?ONE SWEET KISS LOSTA COINCIDENCE OF WARGERMAN PAPERS, PLEASE NOTEUNANIMOUSPA WAS THE GENERALTOUGH ON GOMPERSHAD THE RIGHT DOPETELL THIS NOT IN BOSTONTHE MESSAGE WAS SOBER, ANYHOWHE HADN’T FINISHEDTHE OOZING OF THE COONSSHE WAS IN UNIFORMNO CHALLENGING OUT OF HIS CLASSCALLING HIM SISSY?HOW DISAPPOINTED HE’LL BEAMERICAN HUMOR IN FRANCESNOBBERY SQUELCHEDBLASTED HOPESPROFITABLE AUTHORSHIPTHE “LONG, LONG TRAIL” OVER THEREHIS OWN PERSONAL WARWHEN TOMMY LAUGHSONE OF THOSE IRISH BULLSWHEN GERMANY SALUTED A PIGAND SO IT PROVEDWASHINGTON GETS THESE, TOOBLACK MAGICSUCH EXCUSES AS THEY MAKEHE HAD TROUBLES, TOOWHAT COULD HE MEAN?NEVER MIND THE TARGETA LADY FROM HELLTHEORY VS. FACTONWARD, CHRISTIAN SOLDIER!WHO WAS THE JOKE ON?REAL YANKEE LANGUAGEDAMN THE KAISERFUN FOR THE MISSUSGERMAN RESTITUTIONBUT DID CHARLEY TELL IT?LONG-DISTANCE FAREWELLNINE GIRLS TOO MANYWHY NOT BOTH?ONLY GOOD GERMANS WERE LEFTA BREEZY RETORTPATTING MISSOURI ON THE BACKYOU CAN’T BEAT SUCH BOYSHOW TO BE FUNNY IN WARTIMENOW ON A WAR-BASISHUMANITY IN WARFLATLY IMPOSSIBLETHE FRATERNAL SIDE OF WARNO TIME TO WASTEHER GENTLE COME-BACKHIS MIND WAS WANDERINGTHE SEX OF THE KILTIESPLAY BALL!HE’D BEEN THERE HIMSELFEIGHTEEN YEARS OF HOPEA NICKNAME THAT STUCKPAT WAS SMOKINGFORGOT HIS LINESSO THERE’S PLENTY OF ITLIVELY ENEMYNO REGRETSTOO MUCH WASTED EFFORTMAD ENOUGH TO LICK ANYONEWORKING THE WARSANDY WAS SCOTCHBROWN WASN’T GREENANYTHING TO GET AWAYNATURALLY WISHED TO SEE HERZEPPELINITISPALESTINE VS. PURGATORYDON’T ALL SPEAK AT ONCEWELL SEASONEDNOT TO BE DONEUNCERTAIN TRAIN SCHEDULEREAL STRATEGYHE KNEW THE BREEDDESERVED PROMOTIONMIXED HER DATESHOOVER, GOD AND THREE OTHERSIT TAKES FIFTEEN YEARS, SONAW, BE A SPORT, HUBBYNOT ON THE PROGRAMWHERE HIS AUTHORITY BEGANA TENNYSONIAN TODDYWHY REMIND THEM OF IT?HE’D HEARD HER SINGWHY FRANCE WONMUCH THE SAFEST PLANTHE OLD FAMILIAR WORDSWITH A COMMA AFTER “RED”HOLES CLEAR THROUGH HIMWAS THIS FOREORDAINED?WILLING TO PAY THE PRICEWAR’S COMPENSATIONSCAP WAS A SURE WINNERONLY A RUSE AFTER ALLTRY IT ON THE YANKSHER MEASURE OF SUCCESSBETTER MAKE AN OMELETTHE USUAL PREFERENCENOTHING TO FIGHT FORBOTH UP AND DOWN, AUNTIESECURING A TEMPORARY DIVORCEREMINDS ONE OF PLATTSBURGMONOLOGUE, BY NAT M. WILLSPARDONABLE MISTAKEHE WAS REAL MAD ABOUT ITHE KNEW WHERE THEY WEREJUST A BIT OF TRENCH REPARTEENOT MENTIONABLE IN SOCIETYNOW SHE KNOWS WHYINTERCEPTED WAR MESSAGESWHAT MOTHERS ALWAYS SAYFASHION NOTE FROM THE FRONTONE GERMAN WE FORGIVEEQUINE “NOW I LAY ME”ONE BRITISH ATROCITYNEVER MIND THE NAMEFRENCH IN THE TRENCHSCOTCH PROVISIONSVERY LIKE MOSESTHEY FIXED YOU, WILLIESAFETY FIRSTNO SUGAR IN HEAVENYOU CAN’T DO THIS IN BATTLENOW IT’S “ALL DUNN”A LAST FAREWELLTOO MODEST BY FARANOTHER WAR CASUALTYPREACHER HAD A SCOOPTHERE IS TIME FOR BOTHTHEY DO SOUND ALIKENO TIME TO SAY ALL OF ITNO MAIL TO HADESMORE TO THE PURPOSEWHAT WE MAY EXPECT NOWEIGHT MILES FOR HIMNO FIGHTING FOR HIMHOW HUNS TICKLED THEMSELVES’TWASN’T HIS FAULTVERY GOOD, PUNCHHE KNEW ABOUT COWSWILLING TO TREATAND FULL OF TABASCOCAUSE FOR DEPRESSIONENOUGH TO WARRANT EXEMPTIONCHANGED HIS TUNEFROM HIS POINT OF VIEWTHOSE PET NAMES FOR OFFICERSTOO MUCH HARVARDWOULDN’T INSULT THE JACKONE WAY TO GET EVEN“HONEY” DRAWS THE LINEWILLING TO EXPLAINCAUSE FOR ANNOYANCESHE KNEW HIS MERITSCENSORING THE CLOUDSIT CAN’T BE DONEA TWO-BIT HEROONE OF THE FEW THAT HAVEHOWL INDEFINITELY POSTPONEDAND THEY DRINK GRAPE JUICELESS METERS, LESS GASYOU KNOW THAT PAPERCHANCE TO GET EVENTHE WAY THINGS LOOKED IN 1916CAUSE FOR REJOICINGBUT NOT THIS TIMEEVIDENCE OF REFINEMENTEVENING THINGS UPAN INTERIOR PROBLEMBEEN “GETTING UP” EVER SINCEMERELY A WAY-STATIONOBEYING ORDERSNO ABSENT TREATMENT WANTEDCAUSE FOR CONFIDENCEJUST GOT ON TO ITREADY FOR ANY SNAKEDID HE GET HER MEANING?IT’S THE SHELLSOFFENSIVE PREPARATIONSGETTING BACK AT HEINEZOOLOGICAL MONSTROSITYNOT WANTED ANYWHERETHERE WAS A PAIR OF THEMNOT AS INTENDEDCHEERING NEWSWHY THIS DELAY?PERHAPS YOU HAVE WONDEREDNO CREEDS IN WARTIMEBUT IT’S MEN WHO PAY THEMACQUIRING WIFELY ARTSTHE NERVE OF THE COOKFOOD WILL WIN THE WARGIVING THEM A SEND-OFFDON’T BELIEVE ALL YOU HEARYOU’VE SEEN THEMPLACING THE BLAMEPROOF POSITIVECARBOLIC STARTED THISFROM SANTA CLAUS IN WASHINGTONTHIS BEATS ALLPAT WAS STRINGING HIMANOTHER HUN ATROCITYKNEW HIM WELLENOUGH TO MAKE A KING LAUGHTOO SLEEPY TO BE SCAREDSHE UNDERSTOOD WOMENWELL, THAT WAS HIS COMPANYSPOIL OF WARCHEERFUL NEWS FROM ‘OVER THERE’HE KNEW WHAT TO USETHEY CAN’T WORK THIS ANY MOREIMPORTANT INFORMATION WANTEDTHAT WAS THE HYMN NUMBERTEMPORARYBOOZE FIGHTERSVERY PROPER ANSWERWHAT DISCOURAGED HIMGOING SOMEWHEREOUTRANKED IN THE KITCHENSURPRISE FOR THE GERMANSNO LEAD PIPE CINCHSERVED HIM RIGHT!QUITE A CONTRASTAND HOLDING IT YETFOOLING THE COOTIESTHIS IS A MANWANTED SOMETHING STATIONARYYET THEY FOUGHT NOBLYPHYSICAL IMPOSSIBILITYTHE QUICKER THE SOONERTRANSPORTS OF JOYWHERE HE IS EXPERTNO MULES IN THE AIRDEAR LITTLE BOYTHEN SHE HAD THEM PRESSEDUNUSUAL OFFICERNOT SERIOUSLY DAMAGEDORDERS, BUT NO SALESTHOSE FOOL QUESTIONSPROUD OF THEIR SOLDIERSNOT FLATTERING HIM ANYONLY KIND HE KNEWNOT HIS KIND OF JEWELRYMORE DANGEROUS, ALSOSAME IN ALL LANGUAGESSHE KNEW JIMTHEN HE GOT THIRTY DAYS K. P.PLEASED IS NO NAME FOR ITGENUINE CHICKEN DINNERON THE ORIGINAL FIRING LINEPLAY THE GAMESHE WAS USED TO ITSPIRIT OF FRANCERECOGNIZED THE RESEMBLANCEPROOF POSITIVECAN SHOW WHAT HE’S GOOD FORGLAD HE TALKED TO GEN. PERSHINGBEFORE ONE CAN TURN AROUNDONE ON THE COLONELA GRAND STAND PLAYTHE NEGRO IN AUTHORITYDON’T YOU DO IT, TOMMYNO PROHIBITION THERECHAFFING EACH OTHERGETTING ON FASTNO WONDER HE REBELLEDTHEY ALL GET ’EMREACHED HIS LIMITSEEKING INFORMATIONBIRDS FAR SURPASSEDNO KICK COMINGA REAL SPREEMOVING PICTURE IN ONE REELUSEFUL AND ORNAMENTALTHE MILITARY HAIR CUTBASEBALL IN BLIGHTYUNIVERSAL COMPLAINTSAMPLE WAS SATISFACTORYNO FUN WITHOUT FUNDSTHOUGHT HE HAD ARRIVED“COUNT ’EM NOW, MISTAH KAISER”Captain (sharply)—“Button up that coat.”◇Married Recruit (absently)—“Yes, my dear.”◇← CLARK STREET ENGLISHELEGY WRITTEN IN A BELGIAN DOORYARD →