Volume 2 — Questions and Answers

Dear Bill—How does moonshine affect you?—June Meadows.

It usually puts me in a daze for days and days.

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Dear Skipper Bill—How can I remove stains from linen so they will not return?—Aggie Vayting.

Use a pair of scissors.

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Dear Whiz Bang Bill—A friend of mine wants to know if you were a captain in the army or the navy, as he was a seaman in the navy. He is wondering what part of the ship you were captain of, if you were in the navy.—Navy Beehne.

I would probably have been captain of the head in the navy.

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Dear Captain Billy—I saw this in your Mail Bag section of the Whiz Bang: “Dot—A is right. Get out and walk.” Could you give me Dot’s address, Bill, so that through her I can get in touch with “B”?—Dolly Varden.

You will find Dot at the end of this sentence, old dear.

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Dear Skipper Bill—You’ve been in the army, so perhaps you could give me a good idea of a brave man.—May Wheat.

A goop who can drink prohibition whiskey and wash it down with near beer.

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Dear Captain Billy—We are a couple of hallroom boys and would like to know how we can stop the odor of our cooking from being detected by the landlady.—Percy and Hal.

Apply a coat of rubber to the top of your stove. This is sure to destroy cooking odors.

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Dear Captain Bill—What’s your idea of an absent-minded man?—Kureous Kwizsky.

One who forgets his watch and then takes it out of his pocket to see if he has time to go back for it.

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Dear Billy—What do you think is meant by “The shades of night were falling fast?”—Alice Blue.

When people are pulling down their curtains.

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Dear Captain Billy—I am appearing soon in a home talent show and would like to know how I can get a Salome costume. Can you help me?—Doris Doughnut.

Tie two brass fingerbowls together with a shoe-string.

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Dear Bill—I went out riding with a young man the other night and drank some champagne. Did I do wrong?—Mother’s Daughter.

Don’t you remember?

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Dear Skipper—What’s your idea of a non-essential industry?—May Hogany.

A corkscrew factory.

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Dear Snappy Skipper—How many miles do you get from a gallon of hooch?—U. Kisser.

It depends on the thinness of the mixture before it goes through my carburetor.

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Dear Captain Billy—I’m in love with a Spanish Beauty, but she’s jealous of me. How can I cure her?—Will B. Schott.

No, Will, I can’t tell you how to cure her. Better stay away from her or you might wake up some morning with a stick in your gizzard.

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Dear Captainovich—Vot’s a gude name for a Yiddish baby born in an Irisher neighborhood?—Tuda Banke.

Isaac Murphy would be safest.

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Dear Captain Bill—What is good to take grass stains out of a white dress?—Helen Earth.

Damfino—Wear a green dress hereafter.

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Dear Whiz Bang Bill—Why do people insist on telling liquor jokes?—’Gus Ted.

Probably because they’re the only kind that have spirit in them.

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Dear Farmer Billy—Would you please give me a suggestion for an evening dress? I am about to make my debut in society.—Arrah Bella.

Wind two yards of ribbon around the waist and tie in a huge bow.

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Dear Captain Bill—You say, in your March issue, that Eve was entered in the human race. I wish she’d never been entered in any race. Then I wouldn’t have to put up with henpeckery now. What in the deuce was she put on earth for, anyway?—Tis Tuff.

Eve was made, my friend, for Adam’s express company.

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Dear Skipper—Please give me a definition of joy.—Minnie Mumm.

Joy is the peculiar feeling experienced by a man after a drunk when he counts his money and discovers that he has all the cash he thought he had and a few dollars more.

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Dear Captain Bill—Why is a landlord like a poker player?—Tom Nolan.

Because he always raises when he gets a full house.