Volume 2 — Jest Jokes and Jingles
Reading edition
Let’s now sing, with all the alcoholic accuracy possible, that old familiar farmer’s wail: “I’ve got enough money to last me the rest of my life, providing I die tonight.”
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Sign in Doctor’s Office
A man’s a fool to live in grief When he can get complete relief; A good prescription, now and then, Is relished by the best of men.
* * *
Fortune Teller: You wish to know about your future husband?
Customer: No; I wish to know about the past of my present husband for future use.
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Lingo of the Limpid Lip
When a man says “Yes,” he means “Maybe”; When he says “Maybe,” he means “No”; When he says “No,” he’s no diplomat. When a woman says “No,” she means “Maybe”; When she says “Maybe,” she means “Yes”; But if she says “Yes,” she’s no lady.
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A girl on either side of twenty is merely interesting; at twenty she is dangerous.
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She: “You didn’t have a shirt on your back when I first met you.”
He: “Well, then, why did you come in the bathroom without knocking?”
* * *
God made man Frail as a bubble; God made love, Love made trouble. God made the vine; Was it a sin That man made wine To drown trouble in?
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We have just received our copy of the London Spectator, and conclude that the spirit of spring must have struck that staid and sober paper, for it prints several verses of the old song, “Johnnie and Frankie,” but with the wrong chorus. Every connoisseur knows that the real refrain is:
“He was her man, But he done her wrong.”
* * *
A gambling flea one day met some mice, Suggested a trip to the barn to shake dice; When in came a horse and stepped on the flea, And the flea squealed out, “There’s a horse on me.”
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Look before you sleep—especially at the seaside.
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More Lingering Lingerie
A man stepped up to the counter in a department store and the pretty saleslady asked him what he wanted. He hesitated for a moment and finally said, “I’ve forgotten whether I want a camisole or a casserole.”
“That depends whether you want to put a chicken or a hen in it,” replied the saleslady.
* * *
We have a very pretty housemaid named Mary. One Sunday morning I was about to take my bath but found no hot water, so I told Mary to be more careful and not use it all for kitchen work. The pastor and his wife were at dinner and as Mary brought in the dishes she remarked: “Mr. Henry, I will see you get your bath this afternoon.” The minister looked horrified, as my better half snapped, “Indeed, you will not.”
* * *
“The man laid down his book and tossed off his fifth drink of hooch. His wife looked up at him calmly and said:
“‘George, when you proposed to me you said you were not worthy to undo the latchets of my shoes.’
“George stared at her in amazement.
“‘Well, what of it?’ he snarled.
“‘Nothing,’ she answered, ‘only I will say for you that whatever else you were, you weren’t a liar.’”
* * *
The life sentence—“I will.”
* * *
Balaam Gets Sympathy
Being given a complimentary dinner previous to his departure for foreign climes, the guest, who was badly afflicted by stuttering, induced a friend to respond to the toast of his health for him, which he did very badly, so much so that the other rose and said:
“Fo-for the fir-first time in-in my li-life I un-understand Balaam’s fee-feelings when his ass spo-spoke for him.”
* * *
Heaven, Hell or Los Angeles
A colored trooper of Camp Kearney, California, wanted to visit his sweetheart in Los Angeles, but as he couldn’t get a furlough, he decided to go A.W.O.L.
The guard at the gate stopped him, and demanded to see the trooper’s pass.
The black man pulled out a razor.
“Brudder,” he warned, “mah mudder’s dead and am in Heaben. Mah faddah’s dead and am in Hell, but mah gal am alive and in Los Angeles. And ah’s gwine to see one of dem three tonight.”
* * *
Following is a familiar conversation heard within a modern apartment building where so many home-made hooch parties are held:
Voice from without: “Cut out that noise or I’ll have you put out of this flat.”
Voice from within: “We should worry—we’ve been put out of better flats than this.”