Volume 3 — Questions and Answers
Reading edition
Dear Capt. Billy—What is the first thing that turns green in the spring?—Uppan Attim.
Christmas jewelry.
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Dear Captun: My kid brother’s a great chicken chaser. He came home late last night all dizzy; d’you think he was drinkin’ or what’s the matter?—Ida Sinkey.
‘Swimmin’ in the head.
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Dear Whiz Bang Bill—Is there much food values in dates?—Ona Dyett.
It all depends on who you make them with.
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Dear Captain—What is a Sly Oodle?—Nat. U. List.
’Tis a small weasel that sleeps in the crotch of a tree, and swallows its nose to keep it from freezing.
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Dear Capt. Billy—A fellow asked me a funny question the other day. Why is a crow? Seems sort of silly. Do you know the answer?—M. T. Kann.
That’s easy. Caws.
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Dear Captain Billy—What is a Nabisco?—Ray Vaughan.
It consists of two pieces of tissue paper with a little honey between.
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Dear Captain Billy—Would it hurt me to sleep between two windows?—I. Foozle.
You would have a “pane” on the chest and back, and a “catch” on your side.
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Dear Capt. Billy—What is a good name for a new college sorority?—Al E. Wrat.
I. Phelta Thi.
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Dear Capt. Billy—What is a sculptor?—Cant E. Lope.
A man that makes faces and busts.
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Dear Capt. Billy—What is dust?—Hose Ette.
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
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Dear Capt. Billy—Is hair tonic a good drink?—J. Fewbrains.
Would advise you not to drink hair tonic as it will raise a mustache on your appendix and if you should laugh you would tickle yourself to death.
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Dear Farmer Bill—Please inform me where milk comes from.—A City Girl.
From cow faucets.
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Dear Capt. Billy—If my father was a duke and my mother was a duchess, what would that make me?—Watts D. Yoos.
Why, I guess you would be Duke’s Mixture.
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Dear Captain—Tell me something interesting about auction bridge.—Adeline Moore.
All we know about is Brooklyn Bridge, and that is just one long suspense.
* * *
Dear Capn.—What did my beau mean when he told me he would meet me in the future?—Sarah Desert.
Probably he meant in the pasture.
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Dear Capt. Billy—What is a drydock?—Torchy.
A physician who won’t give us prescriptions.
* * *
The Farm That Bull Built
Oh! over the hill to Robbinsdale, For a slap on the back and a hearty hail. Where the cows do tricks in the new mown hay, And the Bull is thrown in a very quaint way. Where Gus is tired from morn till night, And the old silo is always tight. Where the chickens sing and the roosters crow, And the corn does a hoe-down row on row. So up the road to the Whiz Bang farm Where the onions grow but do no harm. It’s a merry crowd that slings the hoe On Billy’s farm. Come gang let’s go.
* * *
They tell me people are so tough in South St. Paul they play Tiddly-Winks with the sewer covers. Zatright?
* * *
Fable of a Poodle
Once there was a guy who wished that he was a rich woman’s lap-dog, when suddenly a Great Genii appeared before him and granted his wish, telling him that any time he wished to be changed back to a man, he should slip out of the rich lady’s house and come to the home of the Genii, in a distant part of the city.
Being only a dog, he soon grew tired of his pampered life, and since he was really a dog, the kisses and petting of his pretty mistress failed to produce the “kick” that he had anticipated.
So, he slipped out of the house, and found himself on a broad and spacious avenue, lined with trees, telegraph poles and iron fence posts.
Now, that was many moons ago, but up to the present writing, the little doggie has not reached the Genii’s house to be changed back to a man.
MORAL: It’s a poor wish that won’t work two ways.
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French Proverbs
(Selected by Rev. G. L. Morrill.)
Women give themselves to God when the Devil wants nothing more to do with them.
Since Cupid is represented with a torch in his hand, why did they place virtue on a barrel of gunpowder?
A woman forgives everything but the fact that you do not covet her.
Fools never understand people of wit.
* * *
Outside the Show
“Hello, Bill, how did you enjoy the show last night?”
“Fine, Joe. Wasn’t that some pippin in the bathing suit?”
“Yep, Bill!”
“Well, I saw her without the suit on today.”
!!!!!——————(street clothes?)
* * *
Familiarity Breeds Contempt
John Philip Sousa traveled six thousand miles to hear the celebrated chimes of an English church. As he was drawing near the place the wonderful chimes rang out, and enraptured, Sousa exclaimed to the driver of the vehicle, “You folk are indeed fortunate to live within sound of those heavenly chimes.”
“I can’t hear a word you say,” shouted the driver irritably, “them d—— bells deafen me.”
* * *
As You Were
Sexton—“Dogs are not allowed here, sir.”
Visitor—“That’s not my dog.”
Sexton—“Not your dog? Why, he’s following you.”
Visitor—“Well, so are you.”
* * *
We Pull Lots of These
A cross-eyed man at a dance hall said “May I have the next dance, please?” Two girls answered as with one voice, “With pleasure.”
* * *
That Reminds Me
Algernon—Dearest, I could sit here forever gazing into your charming eyes and listening to the wash of the ocean.
The Girl—That reminds me, Honey. I have a laundry bill and I’m dead broke.
* * *
There’s one thing I can’t eat for breakfast and that is supper.
* * *
While a darky was being led to the gallows a crowd of people ran past him.
“What yo all running fo?” yelled Sambo after them, “Dey ain’t nothin’ gwine to happen till ah gets dere.”
* * *
He is so stingy he goes to the postoffice to fill his fountain pen.
* * *
April Fool
Johnny (running into the room of his mother on April 1st)—“Mama, there’s a strange man kissing our maid.”
Mother—“What, a strange man?”
Johnny—“April fool, it’s only papa.”
* * *
Curbstone Comedy
He stopped the balky car.
“Honey, I must get out and spank the engine over the ears.”
“Oh, engine-ears!”
* * *
We Pass
The nurse at the front regarded the wounded soldier with a puzzled look.
“Your face is familiar to me, but I can’t place you,” she said.
“Let bygones be bygones, baby,” replied the soldier, “I used to be a policeman.”
* * *
Riddle-de-doot!
Where did you get that rose?
That isn’t a rose, that’s a geranium.
No, it isn’t. It’s a rose.
I said it’s a geranium.
How do you spell it?
It’s a rose all right.
* * *
My girl has Pullman teeth.
One upper and one lower.
* * *
Colorado Springs is sure some town. Had to go up to the city hall to get a permit from the mayor to play a game of dominoes.
* * *
This wash board is a hundred years old.
Yes, it surely is wrinkled.
* * *
Punctuation
“Men are naturally grammatical.”
“Yes?”
“When they see an abbreviated skirt they always look after it for a period.”
* * *
Chalk Up One Error
Chicago.—Mrs. R. Kelly sat watching a thrilling movie. Without taking her eyes off the film, she landed an uppercut on the jaw of the man sitting next to her. “I must have made a mistake,” Jake Cohen told the judge. “I didn’t know I put my hand on her knee!”
* * *
Remember This One?
The first scene is that of a gambler, Who has lost all his money at play; Takes his dead mother’s ring from her finger Which she wore on her wedding day, His last earthly treasure he stakes it Bows his head the shame he may hide. When they raised up his head, They found he was dead ’Tis a picture from life’s other side.
* * *
“Say, Mr. Jones, what do you want to get married for?”
“Because I don’t want my name to die out.”
* * *
“You don’t love me any more,” She sobbed and bowed her head. “What tuhel’s the difference,” The villainous rascal said.
* * *
A cat, mistaking a ball of wool for a meat ball, swallowed it, and sure enough when she had kittens they had on sweaters.
* * *
Child’s is a great place to eat. Went in there yesterday and amongst the dirty dishes on the table I found thirty cents.