Volume 3 — Pasture Pot Pourri
Reading edition
Ashes to ashes and dust to dust, If you don’t like my figure, Keep your hands off my shoulders.
* * *
Finishing Touches
“It’s snow use,” said Alvie; “we can’t go tonight.” And he hung up the receiver, while the fluffy flakes fell on the grass outside.
* * *
Jewish Bees
Biz-z—Biz—Biz-ness.
* * *
“I’m through,” cried Pedro, as he glanced over the Whiz Bang Winter Annual.
* * *
Tar Baby
I once knew A Girl Who was so modest That she wouldn’t Even do Improper Fractions.
* * *
Down in Dreamy Honohula
If I was a man in the land of orange and fig, I would sit with my thingamabob, and play on my thingamajig.
* * *
Longfellow
A tramp sat in the doorway of the box car, his feet dragging on the ground.
* * *
Strike Three!
They are fools who kiss and tell, Thus it is the poet sings, But that is why so many girls Are sporting wedding rings.
* * *
SHE CREPT UP TO THE SCALES LIKE AN ARAB, AND SILENTLY STOLE A WEIGH.
* * *
Motto For Poets
If at first you don’t succeed, keep on sucking till you do suck seed.
* * *
Mr. Martin of Martin’s Ferry, protests against us writing our jokes on tissue paper so that our Philadelphia friend could see through them.
“Tearible,” remarks Mr. Martin.
* * *
They are all roses, but some of them are pretty wild.
* * *
Will Be Dedicated By Request
What care we for Mary’s lamb, Now he’s long been to sleep? We’d rather see her pretty calves Than those old, pesky sheep.
* * *
The cold weather chills me to the bone.
You should wear a hat.
* * *
Vengeance at Last
Suddenly there came a tapping as if someone were scrapping, slapping, rapping all the poets who write “Apologies to Poe”—just outside my chamber door.
* * *
Old Ben Jo’ chewed slippery ellum; Slippery ellum, All the dern day long.
* * *
A Tough Break
Had a great tip on a horse yesterday called cigarette, but I didn’t have enough tobaccer.
* * *
Da, Da, Daddy
I love them all, I love them all, Please take me in swimmin’ With bow-legged women. For I love them all.
* * *
“They sure soak you here,” Gus remarked as he paid for a Turkish bath.
* * *
“How hoarse you are this morning.”
“Yes, my husband got home very late last night.”
* * *
My wife and I have been holding hands for twelve years. If we ever let go we’ll kill one another.
* * *
My bride is a nice girl, but she sleeps with her knees up and the draft gives me a cold.
* * *
I’d like to see something in a lady’s combination.
So would I.
* * *
We Found These Woids
“Why, honey, I love you with an equatorial passion that no adding machine can register.”
* * *
Oregon Gal
There she goes on her toes, All dressed up in her Sunday clothes, Ain’t she neat, ain’t she sweet, She has brand new stockings, And nice big clumsy feet.
* * *
There are a lot of towns in this country that don’t bury their dead. They just let ’em walk around.
* * *
Mr. and Mrs. Fish wish to announce the arrival of a couple of bouncing minnows.
* * *
Musicians have an easy job. While they’re at work they’re only playing.
* * *
I asked the boy across from my farm what he got for planting potatoes. He said, “I don’t get nothin’ when I do, but I get hell when I don’t.”
* * *
I got a fellow so drunk last night that it took three bell boys to put me to bed.
* * *
Wanted: Man to drive. Must bring hammer and nails.
* * *
Hey, Eddie!
Eddie was great at a party. In fact, you couldn’t have a party without him. He was a great mixer.
* * *
Here It Is Again, Enlarged
Oh, Scissors, let us cut up!
Would Gillette me?
* * *
“I’ve come to the end of my rope,” our hero cried as he threw his cigar away.
* * *
He mixed his beans with honey, He’d done it all his life. ’Twas not because he liked the taste, But it held them on his knife.
* * *
Teddy’s Teachings
Get the habit, like the rabbit—multiply.
* * *
Let us all join in singing that timely melody:
“Keep her picture in your watch—you’ll love her in time.”
* * *
Going Up!
He started life as a chiropodist and worked his way up to be a throat specialist.
* * *
Don’t always stand on the same side of the pulpit. You’ll wear a hole in the carpet.
* * *
Here’s to the girl that I kissed last Who doesn’t kiss slow and doesn’t kiss fast, With lips like a ruby and cheeks like a rose, How many have kissed her God only knows.
* * *
“I’m the King of Siam!”
“Yesiam!”
* * *
He left the light burning so he could see to go asleep.
* * *
Oh the Moon Shines Bright
Look out lips, look out gums, Look out tummy, here she comes.
* * *
Kentucky College
Bring on the “moon,” Ring the bell, Near-beer! Near-beer! S.—O.—L.
* * *
The funniest thing I ever saw was a cross-eyed woman telling her hump-backed husband to walk straight home.
* * *
Mrs. Murphy asked for a nut cracker and her husband gave her a beer bottle.
* * *
The 1922 Girl
I should worry, I should care I should marry a millionaire. If he should die, I should cry, I should marry my regular guy.
* * *
A little song entitled, “OIL BY MYSELF” By John D.
* * *
She’s a wonderful girl. She can keep a secret in four different languages.
* * *
There is no difference between me and the prohibition agent. We’re both after the same thing.
* * *
The moral of a dog’s tail is that it invariably points to the past.
* * *
Wriggle Through This One
We have a terrible lot to be thankful for, Now prohibition’s here, They’ve taken away our whisky, wines and lager beer, They’ll take away our tobacco next, Along with the demon rum, We’ll have a deuce of a lot to be thankful for, If they leave us chewing gum.
* * *
How Do You Get That Way?
A Jewish sergeant at Camp Lee in 1918 was explaining to a rookie the command, mark time, in the following manner: “Foist you raise yer right foot six inches in de air and then bring the left foot alongside the right one.”
* * *
“Lovely day, don’t you think,” said the man as he hit his thumb with the hammer.
* * *
Two Swedes went to Ireland To kiss the blarney stone, But they couldn’t catch their lutefisk Where the River Shannon flows.
* * *
Willie, your face has changed quite a bit.
Yes, mother, dear, I’ve been washing it.
* * *
A change of wives ofttimes improves one’s disposition.
* * *
Consolation
“Who is that terrible looking woman?”
“That’s my sister.”
“Oh, that’s all right; you ought to see mine.”
* * *
Dope This One
After Theophile returned to the city he wrote to Farmer Si Hopkins concerning a question which has been puzzling him for some time.
“Why,” he inscribed, “do you lock up that donkey of yours so carefully every night?”
In due course of time came Farmer Hopkins’ reply. “Because it is too good an *.”
* * *
Hiawatha Skinned a Squirrel
Hiawatha skinned the squirrel, Just sat down and went and skinned it; Went and skinned it to a finish, From its skin he made some mittens. Made them with the outside inside, Made them with the inside outside, Made them with the fur side inside, Made them with the skin side outside, Made them with the warm side inside, Made them with the cold side outside. Had he placed the fur side outside, Had he placed the skin side inside, Had he placed the outside inside, And the inside inside Then the warm side would have been outside, And the cold side inside, So to get the fur side, warm side inside, Placed the skin side, inside, outside. Now you know why Hiawatha placed the outside, fur side, warm side, inside, and the inside, skin side, cold side, outside.
* * *
For when the One Great Scorer comes to write against your name He writes not that you won or lost, but how you played the game.
* * *
“They don’t look natural,” said the man, as he rolled two threes.
* * *
How Kum?
Tom—“Where have you been for the last three hours?”
Bill—“In the saloon talking to the bartender.”
Tom—“What did he say?”
Bill—“No.”
* * *
Quick, Gents!
At sixteen, risque, Likes a naughty joke; At seventeen, blase, Tries to learn to smoke; At eighteen, mildish, Jolly just the same; At nineteen, childish, Getting rather tame; At twenty, breezy, Merely debonair; At twenty-one, uneasy; So re-bobs her hair; But when she reaches twenty-two Her rush turns to a shove, For then her motto has become: Love and let love.
* * *
Wanted: Man with ugly face to frighten children that play in my yard.
* * *
He Calls This “Poetry”
He’s got a swell noodle, Our friend Ted, He wears an eight and a half hat, For a six and a half head.
* * *
Dusting Off the Old Ones
Man went into German butcher shop and asked price of pork chops. To the reply of 30 cents a pound, he remonstrated that the butcher across the street asked only 20 cents.
“Why don’t you buy them there, then?” asked the German.
“I would, but he’s out,” said the customer.
“Oh, vell, ven I’m oud, I sell ’em for only 10 sends a pound.”
* * *
Eh, Maggie?
Here lie the bones of Peter Blunt Down in this mothering nook. Alas, he was too small a runt To argue with a cook.
* * *
Warm Stuff
“My wife made it hot for me this morning.”
“How was that?”
“I insisted on her getting up to build the fire.”
* * *
My Advice
If you should marry a hootch hound I’ll tell you what to do. Get a leaky boat and send afloat, And paddle your own canoe.
* * *
Chicago Tribune’s Column
(From the Charles City, Iowa, Press)
Manager Waterhouse, the movie man, who insists on giving his lady patrons the best, is improving the theater by renovating and decorating the ladies’ parlor and lobby and ladies can—at least, feel that everything is fresh and orderly.