Volume 3 — Questions and Answers

Dear Captain Billy—Could you explain the latest dance called “The Horse Trot”?—White Capp.

According to our New York correspondent, “The Horse Trot” is done with a little wagon behind.

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Mon Captaine—What ees zis theeng zey call ze “all day suckair”?—Suzanne Lengthen.

An “all day sucker,” Suzanne, is a poor simp who buys a girl’s lunch and supper; takes her to a show; puts on a midnight feed, and has the taxi wait while he bids her good night at the door of her flat.

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Dear Captain Billy—Kissing causes my heart to flutter violently. What should I do when my sweetheart tries to kiss me?—May Leigh.

Letter flutter.

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Dear Keptin—What is the quickest lunch you ever heard of?—Pholush A. Ginn.

Hasty pudding on a Jewish Fast day.

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Dear Captain Billy—I have several gentlemen friends whom I would like to give presents to on Christmas. Would you kindly give me a list of suggestions?—Miss Goo C. Lou.

Below are ten suggestions which I think would make gifts appreciated by almost any man:

1. A quart of hootch.

2. A quart of hootch.

3. A quart of hootch.

4. A quart of hootch.

5. A quart of hootch.

6. A quart of hootch.

7. A quart of hootch.

8. A quart of hootch.

9. A quart of hootch.

10. A quart of hootch.

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Dear Captain Billy—What is a husband?—Little Willie.

Something no respectable woman should be without.

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Dear Captain Billy—What is steam?—Talo Pott.

Steam is water gone crazy with the heat.

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Dear Bilious Skipper—I am a bride of two weeks and my husband has broken my heart accusing me of extravagance and failure to economize in the home. I have tried lots of cheap dishes without success. Could you suggest a few menus which would enable me to make both ends meet?—Worried Marjorie.

Well, Marj, I am not much of an expert at cooking so I have referred your question to Maggie the hired girl. She suggests as a cheap dish, beans, but if you have tried them without success, why not try serving tongue and eggs?

* * *

Dear Captain Billy—Can you tell me where moonshine comes from?—Hugo Chaser.

No, that’s a secret still.

* * *

Dear Captain Billy—I am informed that it is absolutely proper for a lady to shake hands when sitting. If so, has the gentleman the same privilege?—Minnie Haha.

When shaking hands in this glorious land of the free and the home of the Drys, a Gentleman does it standing, a lady has the privilege of shaking sitting down, and a Dog does it standing on three legs.

* * *

Dear Captain—What makes the ocean so blue?—T. N. T.

Because it has to embrace so many objectionable people.

* * *

Dear Bill—Why does a chicken cross the road?—Slim Jim.

Because she sees some fellow over there who looks like easy picking.

* * *

Pat, Lady Killer

A son of Erin wandered into a revival meeting one night. After listening to the revivalist catalogue the crimes and misdemeanors of which his hearers were guilty and enlarge upon the danger of spending eternity in a warm but insalubrious climate, the poor Irishman felt that he was “hair hung and breeze shaken over hell” as Elder Means said. Soon he was under deep “conviction” and in due time was soundly converted.

A few evenings later he arose to give his “testimony” and said: “Ladies and gintlemen; Oh, Oi beg yer pardon—My Dear Sisters an’ Brothers; you know Oi’m not used to spakin’ in meetin’s like this. But Oi want to tell you that Oi’m glad Oi’m saved. An’ be the way, it took a helluva lot of grace to save me, for Oi was a dom bad man. Oi lied an’ dhrank an’ swore an’ stole an’ gambled an’ did everyt’ing that was low and vile an’ mean. An’ more than that, Oi was a ‘killer’ among the women, as many of the sisters here present kin testify.”

* * *

A Chaplin Prayer

Danny was a good boy.

Jimmy was not.

Danny said his prayers—“Give us this day our daily bread.”

But Jimmy interrupted—“Strike him for pie, Danny.”

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The Bray of An Ass

A man who was walking through a train inadvertently left the door of one of the cars open. A big man sitting in a seat in the middle of the car yelled: “Shut the door, you fool! Were you raised in a barn?”

The man who had left the door open closed it and then, dropping into a seat, buried his face in his hands and began to weep. The big man looked somewhat uncomfortable and, rising finally walked up to the weeper and tapped him on the shoulder.

“My friend,” he said, “I didn’t intend to hurt your feelings. I just wanted you to close the door.”

The man who was weeping raised his head and grinned. “Old man,” he said, “I am not crying because you hurt my feelings, but because you asked me if I was raised in a barn. The fact is that I was raised in a barn, and every time I hear an ass bray it makes me homesick.”

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‘Throw Out the Life Line’

“How did you like the banquet last night?”

“Fine. There was a lady at the table across from me who had one of those ‘table line gowns’ on. She looked like Venus.”

“How do you know she had on a gown, then?”

“I dropped my fork.”