Volume 3 — Pasture Pot Pourri
Reading edition
The other day a stranger walked up and asked me if I was a doctor. I informed him that I wasn’t, but that I thought I knew where he could get some.
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Some women get red in the face from modesty, some from anger, and some from the druggist.
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Pour Her Back Into the Ocean
She wiggled, she waddled, She leapt and she toddled; She shivered, she quivered, she shook. She rippled, she trippled, She sprang and she skippled— Her dance was “The Song of the Brook.”
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The Song of a Sailor
“There’s just one Gal in Galveston, but there’s More in Baltimore.”
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I went into a restaurant. I said, “Have you got anything fit for a hog to eat?”
He said, “Yes, what do you want?”
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When a married man gets his hair cut, his wife loses her strongest hold on him.
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The barber has a scraping acquaintance with a great many people.
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Essence of Sweet Peas
“The mean old thing wouldn’t lettuce.”
“Can we take a little spin-ach?”
“No, I’ll see my car-rot first.”
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There is something mysteriously attractive about all mysteries—except hash.
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A request has come from a Philadelphia reader that all our jokes be written on tissue paper so that he can see through them.
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May Have Better Luck
(From Sedalia Correspondence of Rogers Democrat)
Mrs. Albert Evans didn’t have good luck with her incubator. She had only thirty little chicks, but she is undaunted and she is setting again.
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Mary wears her new short skirt, Cut just about in half; Who cares a slam ’bout Mary’s lamb, Now we can see her calf?
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The woman with a past is always glad to see a man with a present.
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The Latest Song “Hit”
By A. Balland Batt.
“When the Baseball season starts, Sweetheart, I’ll be running home to you.”
* * *
Miss Marrietta Nutt will now render the latest “catch”. “The toy shop business is booming since they show their Teddy bears.”
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We Expect a Free Can For This!
I saw a girl the other day who was so bashful she asked for a lady clerk when she wanted to buy some Arbuckle’s coffee.
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The Happy Ham
All smokers are inveterate; Their vice becomes inured, Only a ham can smoke and smoke, And smoking still be cured.
* * *
I kicked a mongrel cur, He uttered a mournful wail. Where did I kick him, Sir? Ah! Thereby hangs a tail.
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The most disgusting sight in the world is to see another fellow in an automobile with your best girl.
* * *
The old inhabitant says, “I kin remember when a young lady passed you, you always could hear the rustle of stiffly starched skirts.”
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Naughty Egg
I wish I was a crow’s egg As bad as bad can be, All cuddled up in a little nest Way up in a big tree. And when a grinning little boy Looked up at me in glee, I’d bust my naughty little self And sprinkle him with me.
* * *
The Diamond Queen
Now on one hand she has an immense fortune and on the other hand she has warts.
* * *
When a girl casts her bread upon the waters, she expects it to come back in the shape of a wedding cake.
* * *
One of the season’s popular football rooters’ song is that old familiar ballad “After the Ball.”
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The Hootch Hound’s Lament
It’s easy to stay two-thirds pickled all day, Get drunk and sleep out in the yard, But to put in a night without one drink in sight; It’s the getting back sober that’s hard.
* * *
Love is a hallucination that makes an otherwise sane man believe he can set up housekeeping on a gas stove and a canary bird.
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St. Paul Blues
When I’m dead bury me deep, Bury me in the middle of St. Peter street; Put my hands across my chest And tell the girls I’ve gone to rest.
* * *
“What a curve,” said the garter, as it came around the last stretch.
* * *
Many a girl who never had her ears pierced has frequently had them bored.