Volume 2 — Questions and Answers
Reading edition
Dear Captain Billy—My two sisters and myself have been gratified this week by the arrival in each family of a set of twins. Kindly suggest names for these six darlings.—Patriotic Patricia.
My moss-covered suggestion: “Pete and Repeat, Kate and Duplicate, and Max and Climax.”
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Dear Capt. Billy—I am a sweet eighteen year old girl and last night I met a nice man with a limousine that wants to take me for a ride. Will it be alright to go?—Alice.
Let your conscience be your guide.
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Dear Captain Billy—Do you think it would be alright if I took a tramp in the woods.—Sweet Sixteen.
Yes, it’s excellent exercise.
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Dear Captain Billious—I have been married a few months and my hubby is always saying our baby is a much abused creature. What do you think he means?—Mrs. Guey.
He probably means that your darling baby gets a bust in the mouth every hour or so.
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Dear Captain Bull—Do you like cocktails?—Ana Monyous.
Yes, I should say so. You finish the answer.
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Dear Captain Bill—I’ve often heard the toast: “To George Washington, first in war, first in peace, first in the hearts of his countrymen.” Do you think he was always first?—Willie, age 12.
Yes, with the exception that he married a widow.
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Dear Captain Billy—What kind of a woman should I marry?—Sandy Henna.
Venus would be fine. She would be perfectly safe, as both her arms are missing and she couldn’t throw things.
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Dear Captain Bill—What is a definition for man and woman?—Pinkie Cherry.
Man, Pinkie, is the Lord of Creation, and Woman is the lady of Recreation.
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Dear Banger—I want to be married secretly. What shall I do?—Pussy Foot.
Go to a justice of the peace.
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Dear Phiz—Is strychnine effective in stopping heart ailments.—Co-ed.
Yes, if taken in sufficient quantities, strychnine will stop anything.
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Dear Captain Bill—You’ve been in the army, Cap, so will you kindly tell us the difference between an engagement and a battle?—Ida Clare.
Yes, Ida, and I’m married, too. The engagement, you realize, takes place before the marriage.
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Dear Captain Bull—What are wedding bells?—Katinka Stinka.
Lemon peals.
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Dear Captain Billy—What is the solution of the liquor problem?—A. Boozem Friend.
A solution of malt and hops containing about 5 per cent of water.
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Dear Farmer Bill—How’s your corn crop this year? What did it go to the acre?—Acorn Farmer.
Wa’al, I reckon it’ll go about 350 gallons to the acre, by gum.
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Dear Doctor Billy—Will you kindly inform as to the bacterial proteins for cutaneous tests?—Sheesa Whopper.
She sure is a whopper for a farmer to answer. In fact, I found it necessary to call in the professional advice of old Doc Yak, who gives this reply: The bacterial proteins are staphylococcus aureus, micrococcus tetragenus, diphtheroid, streptococcus viridans, non-haemolyticus and pneumococcus. (Thank you, doctor.)
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Dear Captain Billy—What is the proper definition of an oyster?—G. Howie Snortz.
An oyster, Mr. Snortz, is a peculiar fish better known as a bivalve and looks like a nut.
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Dear Bilious Billy—Does cider really get hard enough to cause intoxication? I have a few gallons at home and do not care to indulge in strong drink?—Molly Coddle.
Hard? I should say it does, Molly. I drank three glasses one night last week while in Minneapolis and before long I thought I was crushed rock. Friends tell me I laid down on Nicollet Avenue and tried to pull the asphalt over me.
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Dear Captain—Is it quite proper for a lady to let her husband look at her Whiz Bang?—Lotta Ginger.
Quite right, we would say—providing, of course, that it’s Captain Billy’s.
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Dear Bill—I have been troubled with the seven-year itch. What shall I do?—Ticklish Tillie.
Scratch yourself.
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The First Hundred Years
Discouraged prohibition enforcers should remember that the first hundred years are the wettest.
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When my shoes wear out I’ll be on my feet again.