Volume 2 — Pasture Pot Pourri
Reading edition
Eczema, Oh! Eczema, don’t be so rash.
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My cross-eyed sweetheart became my cockeyed bride.
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Why do the widow’s wiles usually win out against the maiden’s smiles?
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The pure food law doesn’t guarantee “preserved peaches.”
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He Drinks Hair Tonic
He asked me if I’d kiss him, I kissed him once or twice, I know I hadn’t ought to, But, my Gawd, he smelled so nice.
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Favorite Quotations
I wish Adam had died with all his ribs in his body.—Nat Goodwin.
What is home without another.—Jack Johnson.
I feel like the end of a misspent life.—Wm. J. Bryan.
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Listen, my children, and you shall hear Of the midnight raid on the neighbor’s beer.
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We will now sing: “The World Is Mine,” by Jawn D. Rockefeller.
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Man
Take up thy bed, oh hunted one; Make haste and quickly flee; And when thou starts, do more than run Lest woman and marriage overtaketh thee.
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Advertisement: Colored woman wants washing.
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Or on the Ear
Eminent Physician—As we have no idea what the fashions may be when your daughter grows up, I think it wise to vaccinate her on the tongue.
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We’d Quit ’er
’Tis sad to love But oh, how bitter, To have a girl, Whose face don’t fitter.
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A Noise Like a Kiss
What can a woman do that will make a horse go, a dog come, and a man stay?
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Never hesitate in telling a woman that you love her—it increases her self-respect.
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Pat died and went to Heaven.
“Why, Pat!” exclaimed St. Peter, “How did you get here?”
“Flu.”
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And He’ll Crow
The modern chicken reminds one of the girl at the table who let an egg fall on the floor. She said to the man next to her, in a horrified whisper: “O, I’ve dropped an egg! What shall I do?” He replied: “Cackle.”
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Monkey-shine
By Vivian Yeiser Laramore.
Said the monkey maid to her monkey mate, “These cocoanuts are fine, Let’s leave a few in the sun to brew, And make some ‘monkey-shine.’”
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Mule Wasn’t So Sensitive
“The language you use to that mule is perfectly shocking!”
“Yes,” replied the driver, “it seems to trouble everybody but the mule.”
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Immodesty’s Penalty
The Eskimo sleeps in his little bear skin, And keeps very warm, I am told. Last night I slept in my little bare skin And caught a hell of a cold.
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A little girl went to the soda clerk behind the fountain and asked for a “Billy Sundae.” The clerk gave her a nut sundae.
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Said the fruit jar to the top: “You’ll have to use a rubber on me, ‘Old Top’.”
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Re-published After Many Requests
FOR SALE—One Ford car with piston ring, two rear wheels, one front spring; has no fenders, seat or plank; burns lots of gas and is hard to crank; carburetor busted half way through; engine missing—hits on two; three years old, four in the spring; has shock absorbers and everything; radiator busted—sure does leak; differential dry—you can hear it squeak; ten spokes missing; front all bent; top blown off—ain’t worth a cent; got lots of speed, runs like the deuce; burns either gas or tobacco juice; tire all off, been run on rim; she’s a darn good Liz for the shape she’s in.
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Tell the Truth and Shame the Devil
Some go to church to meet their lover; Others go their faults to cover; Some go there to blink and nod— But darn few go to worship God.
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The improprieties of yesterday are the fashion of today.
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Elucidated
“A woman’s life is divided into two great periods.”
“Elucidate.”
“The first she spends looking for a husband, and the second looking after him.”
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Heaven will protect a working girl, but whoinell will entertain her?