Our Mail Bag

John—I think you must be speaking of pickles; olives are never warped.

C. P.—Use one end of the fork, only.

Agnes—The male should buy the tickets—at least his own. Would suggest that you send me your picture. After all I may be wrong.

L. M. & C. D.—“You are both wrong.” Question 1—It was Richard B. Sheridan the lady was speaking of. Phil Sheridan took the ride and it was Martin Sheridan “who threw things,” as you so aptly put it. Question 2—She must have thought you a couple of mutts.

Mr. B.—I am sorry but I know of no way to keep the ears from flapping. Is Jessie your wife or your horse?

T. U.—You cannot lay the blame to your hostess. One should not expect the chicken to be nailed to the plate.

Maggie—No, tea is not tackled nor is it lapped. Sip perhaps is the word you seek.

Henery—If you must speak of them, use the word “Suspenders.” “Braces” are doubtful, while gallowses, well, you strike me with horror. Gallowses are obsolete in good society. Yes, an old-fashioned man is one who wears suspenders.

Percy—No, you are not expected to kiss the girl in the vestibule. It is not being done these days.

Bill Grabb—If you think you have a good chance with the lady and are sure about her income, hire a taxi. Life is a gamble, anyway. Take a chance; Steve Brodie did.

H. G. P.—We thank you for the two following items. They’re “birds”: A young man and girl eloped and when they reached Pensacola he wired the girl’s mother as follows: “Married Gladys in Pensacola today. Am going to Tampa with her tomorrow.”

You can lead a mule to water, but it takes Bull Durham Tobacer.

Mae—The skins of potatoes become jackets upon leaving the kitchen.

Ed.—Yes, it would be best to use your handkerchief.

Miss Sylvia—If you are unfamiliar with the artichoke turn it down. No book can help you. It is one of the most treacherous traps that a newly-rich-society-climber can fall into. I dare not advise you.

Frank D.—No, Frank, trap is not the correct expression to use in speaking of a lady’s mouth, unless—unless she is your wife.

Harry P.—I am no lawyer. However, I believe that you have no grounds for a law-suit. You didn’t have to hold the baby.

Miss Dorris M.—Please mention the kind of a breath your dancing partner had. Also give his name and address.

James P.—Grapefruit is always uncertain. Write a letter to “the lady on your left.”

Louise—Charles Dickens’ “Curiosity Shop” is a book, not a store. Give up hunting downtown and try a library.

E. O.—A is right. Trousers; not pants.

Cleo—Yes, your touching poem, “Why Should I Suffer and Die,” is very good, but you should practice what you preach.

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Transcriber’s Notes: Missing or obscured punctuation was corrected. Unbalanced quotation marks were left as the author intended. Typographical errors were silently corrected. “derflop” was changed to “kerflop” on page 11. A dictionary search showed no instances of “derflop” Inconsistent spelling and hyphenation were only made consistent when a predominant form was found in this book.