“Friendly Insults”
Reading edition
By CAPTAIN BILLY
THERE is something almost amusing about the violent agitation in Canada and England against the publications of a well-known American. The Britishers are working up a boycott against these periodicals, declaring their pages contain many bitter insults to old John Bull.
Those acquainted with the tribe of England soon recognize their proud and haughty demeanor. Blood and lineage cut deep into their flesh and cranium. I often wonder if the English realize a possibility for pride in the American people. From my observation through a wide exchange of British publications, I have noted 10 insulting stories regarding the Americans to every one story contained in our newspapers and magazines of a nature detrimental or slurring to British cousins.
Permit me for a moment to regale you with a few old stories gleaned from the English:
Story No. 1.—A teacher asked one of the class to tell her what the British flag stood for. “Truth, honor and justice,” replied the child. “Right,” said the teacher. “Now Willie, can you tell me what the French flag stands for?” “Liberty, fraternity and equality,” piped Willie. “Good,” commented the teacher. “Reggie, you tell me what the American flag stands for.” “I don’t know what it stands for now,” replied the knowing youth, “but it stood for a devil of a lot during the first two years of the war.”
Story No. 2.—One of the first American soldiers arriving in England went into a public house and ordered a glass of beer. He was not used to the non-sparkling English beer and casually remarked to the barmaid: “Isn’t this beer a little stale.” “No wonder it’s stale,” rejoined the lady, “it has been waiting for you three years.”
Story No. 3.—“Why are American Tommies called ‘Doughboys’,” asked a kind lady of an English soldier. “Well,” theorized the English soldier, “I suppose it is because they were kneaded in 1914 and did not rise until 1917.”
Story No. 4.—A prize was offered at a children’s entertainment for the lad who could tell the biggest lie. “I went up in an aeroplane so high that I could hear the angels sing,” said the first child. “I went down in a submarine so far that the water was boiling,” said the second. “The Americans won the war,” said the third, and carried off the prize.
Story No. 5.—An American soldier met a British soldier in New York. “What mob did you go over with?” asked the Britisher. “The Rainbow Division,” responded the American. “Never heard of it,” laconically remarked the Britisher. “What,” ejaculated the American; “never heard of the Rainbow Division, the famous Rainbow Division.” “Ah, let me think,” pondered the other; “let me think; ah, yes, bah jove, that’s the one that came out after the storm was all over.”
The Englishmen admit their insulting stories about the Americans, but defend the practice by declaring the stories to be of a friendly character. On the other hand they declare the American insults to be bitter. Our “friendly insults” appear to be “a horse of another color.” What chance is there for permanent peace?
The Soapy Wiggle Shimmy
There are ways and other ways, but——
“How do you wash your back when you bathe?” queried one fair maiden of her companion on a streetcar, as they rode to work one morning last week. “I just can’t seem to get a satisfactory job on that part of me.”
“Why—wash my back?” came the instant and ready reply. “Why, that’s easy. I just soap my back all over and then lie down in the tub and shimmy.”
He: “Are you free tonight, dearie?”
She: “No, I was last Friday but not tonight.”