Volume 6 / Act 6 — A KNACK TO KNOW A KNAVE. (continued 2)
Reading edition
HONESTY. I thank you, sir, but I am afraid the king will hardly grant it: why, 'tis an undoing to the commonwealth; But, truly, I will move the king to hang you, priest, i'faith.— [Aside. May it please your grace to grant me my petition, For I offer it your grace in pure devotion.
KING. O monstrous! Dunstan, didst thou ever hear the like? Now fie upon the base villain! lay hands on him.
HONESTY. On me? nay, on him. Priest, I give your petition to the king, And I will speak to him you may be but hanged; For if you should live, till the king granted your petition, The very ravens would pick out thine eyes living; And therefore 'twere better you were hanged, to save the birds a labour.
KING. Now, Honesty, hast thou done? Is here all?
HONESTY. O no, my lord, for there are so many behind, That I am afraid my work will never have an end. But I see by the priest's looks he lacks company: Stay awhile, my lord, I'll fetch another presently. [Exit.
KING. Fie, graceless man! hast thou no fear of God, To withhold thee from these lawless motions? Why, thou shouldst be as [a] messenger of God, And hate deceit and wicked avarice: But thou art one of those whom God doth hate, And thy vild deeds will witness 'gainst thy soul, And make the most abominable in his sight, That made thee, wretch, but to a better end, Than thus to wrong his sacred Deity. Now, fie upon thee, monster of a man? That for to gain thyself a private gain, Wouldst seek the undoing of a commonwealth: And though thou bide[321] ten thousand torments here, They cannot quit thee, where thou shalt appear.
[Enter HONESTY.]
HONESTY. A prize! though it be long, I have found him at last; But I could not bring him with me, And therefore I pinn'd a paper on his shoulder, Meaning thereby to mark him for the gallows. But husht, here he comes.
Enter PERIN.
KING. What, Perin? I cannot think that Perin will be false to me.
HONESTY. Why no, for he is false to himself: look in his pocket and see. This is but a false writ that he hath used, Unknown to your majesty, and levied great sums of money, And bribed upon your poor Commons extremely. How say you, my lord, is this true or no?
KING. Honesty, thou sayest true. Why, impious wretch! Ingrateful wretch that thou art, To injure him that always held thee dear. Believe me, Dunstan, I durst well have sworn That Perin had not hatch'd so base a thought.
HONESTY. Ay, but your grace sees you are deceived. But will your grace grant me one boon?
KING. What's that, Honesty?
HONESTY. That I may have the punishing of them, Whom I have so laboured to find.
KING. With all my heart, Honesty: use them as thou wilt.
HONESTY. I thank your grace. Go fetch the other two.[322] Now to you, Cutbert Cutpurse the Coneycatcher: Thy judgment is to stand at the market-cross, And have thy cursed tongue pinn'd to thy breast, And there to stand for men to wonder at, Till owls and night ravens pick out thy cursed eyes.
CONEYCATCHER. Good Honesty, be more merciful.
HONESTY. You know my mind, O Walter that-would-have-more, and you shall have judgment I mean, which is: to be carried into a corn-field, and there have your legs and hands cut off, because you loved corn so well, and there rest till the crows pick out thine eyes.— But now to you, that will do nothing, Except the Spirit move you thereunto. You shall, for abusing the blessed word of God, And mocking the divine order of ministry, Whereby you have led the ignorant into errors, You, I say, As you were shameless in your shameful dealing, Shall, to your shame, and the utter shame of all Bad-minded men, that live as thou hast done, Stand in Finsbury fields, near London, And there, as a dissembling hypocrite, be shot to death.
PRIEST. Good Honesty, be more favourable than so.
HONESTY. Truly, no; the Spirit doth not move me thereunto.— But who is next? what, Perin, a courtier and a cosener too! I have a judgment yet in store for thee: And for because I will use thee favourably, I'faith, thy judgment is to be but hanged. But where? even at Tyburn, in a good twopenny halter: And though you could never abide the seas, Yet now, against your will, you must bear your sail, namely, your sheet, And in a cart be tow'd up Holborn-hill. Would all men living, like these, in this land, Might be judged so at Honesty's hand.
KING. Well, Honesty, come, follow us to court, Where thou shalt be rewarded for thy pain.
HONESTY. I thank your grace. You that will damn yourselves for lucre's sake, And make no conscience to deceive the poor; You that be enemies of the commonwealth, To send corn over to enrich the enemy; And you that do abuse the word of God, And send over wool and tin, broad-cloth and lead; And you that counterfeit kings' privy-seals, And thereby rob the willing-minded commonalty; I warn you all that use such subtle villainy, Beware lest you, like these, be found by Honesty. Take heed, I say, for if I catch you once, Your bodies shall be meat for crows, And the devil shall have your bones. And thus, though long, at last we make an end, Desiring you to pardon what's amiss, And weigh the work, though it be grossly penn'd. Laugh at the faults, and weigh it as it is, And Honesty will pray upon his knee, God cut them off, that wrong the prince or commonalty. And may her days of bliss never have end, Upon whose life so many lives depend.