♦CHAPTER III.

♦CHAPTER III.

A more particular account of his preceding doubts, concerning the being of God, and deliverance from them.

1.I BEFORE mentioned the trials I had about the being of a God, almost as soon as I had any concern about religion. But at first I had no arguments, urged against it: only seeing this was the hinge on which all religion turned, I found myself at a loss for evidence so clear and strong, and convincing, as I thought necessary, with respect to a truth, whereon so much weight was to be laid. I said, “Very great things are demanded of me, and I am called to hope for great things; but, before, I trust so far, I would know more of that God, in whom I am to trust.”

2. But afterwards, when I was more estrang’d from God, and intent upon abstract subtleties, the devil took his opportunity, and said daily, “Where is now thy God?” He then triumph’d, “Where is now that mouth, with which thou hast so often reproached Atheists?” These are the arguments they have; come forth then, try thy strength, and fight them.

3. Hereupon a sharp conflict began, in which I used various ways. Sometimes I rejected his suggestions, and refused them a hearing. Sometimes I tried to answer his arguments; but the longer I stood arguing the case, I was always at the greater loss. Then I would wish for a discovery of God himself; O that I knew where I might find him! Whence the enemy failed not to infer, “If there was a God he would help one, who was thus standing up for him, in such a strait.” Sometimes I prayed, and though Satan urged me with the unreasonableness of praying till I was sure there was a God; yet I always thought, “If there be one, he can best satisfy me as to his own being.”

4. And he did satisfy me in part. 1. By clear discoveries of the tendency of these temptations, viz. To cast reproach on all the best and wisest of men, and to destroy the foundations of all human happiness. 2. By some glimpses of his glory, even in the works of creation. 3. By some beams of light from his word; and more than once, in particular, by suggesting to my mind, with power, that answer of the three children, O Nebuchadnezzar, we are not careful to answer thee in this matter. If it be so, our God, whom we serve, is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of thine hand. But if not, be it known unto thee, O King, that we will not serve thy God, nor worship the golden image which thou hast set up.

5. But yet I was not fully relieved; nothing but a discovery of God could give a full defeat to Satan. But considering I was then an unhumbled enemy, God could not have appeared otherwise than as an enemy; and this my nature could not bear, I could not have thus seen his face and lived. Wherefore he led me another way; he discovered sin to me first, and thereby broke the force of the temptation; and having humbled me, he then discovered himself in his glory in Christ Jesus.

*6. This it was which gave me full satisfaction, while God commanded this light to shine on my mind, I could not desire a clearer proof of his being; all his enemies fled before it: all the mountains of opposition shook at the presence of the Lord, and were carried into the midst of the sea. I had now manifold evidences of this glorious truth. I had, 1. The evidence of sight: by the eye of faith I saw the glory of God as represented in the word, shining with the clearest lustre: it not only convinced me of its own reality, but that, in a manner, nothing else was real. This sight gave me more consistent, becoming notions of God, his nature and attributes, than ever I attained before, and so shook the very foundations of those doubts which flowed purely from my ignorance of his nature. 2. I had the evidence of the ear; I heard him speak, and his voice sufficiently distinguished itself from the voice of any creature. He first spoke terror to me from Sinai; and when my soul was as the troubled sea, he said unto it, “Peace, be still, and there was a great calm.” His words had light and power peculiar to God with them, both when he spoke for me and against me: they made me taste and see that the Lord is good, and that blessed is he that trusteth in him. All my objections were solv’d. As to the seeming inconsistency of his attributes, at the time that he condescended to shew me his back-parts, he satisfied me, that no man can behold his face. He gave me a view of his incomprehensibility, which silenced all those suggestions. And as to the seeming disorders in his government, a plain answer was, He giveth account to none; his way is in the sea; his paths in the great waters, and his footsteps are not known.

CHAPTER ♦IV.

A more ♦particular account of his preceding doubts concerning the holy scriptures, and deliverance from them.

1.THIS temptation, as observed before, did not attack me so soon as the former; but it was managed in much the same way. Sometimes my mind only hung in suspence, for want of a sufficient evidence. Sometimes I was strangely harrassed with multiplied objections, either by the books I read, the enemies of the word, with whom I conversed, or by Satan, whose suggestions were far the most subtle, and most perplexing of all.

2. This trial was more grievous than even the former. These objections were equally destructive of all religion, and were far more numerous, more plausible, and entertained by persons of a fairer character. Besides, the evidence of this truth lay farther from the reach of an unenlightened mind.

3. I tried many ways to escape; besides prayer, and attending public ordinances, I read many books writ in defence of the scriptures. And this wanted not its use; I got a rational conviction of the truth, and so was emboldened to plead for it against his enemies; and I found answers to many particular objections, which encouraged me to wait for full satisfaction. But that I found not yet: this being but the wisdom of men, had not power to silence temptations, to enlighten me to see the evidence of God in his word, or to give a relish for it to an indisposed soul.

4. God began to break the force of this temptation, when his word fastened a sense of guilt on my soul: though this rather extorted an assent than induced to a chearful acquiescing therein, as coming from God. But when he gave me that light which repelled all temptations, which revived and comforted a soul bowed down before, I instantly closed with his word as the word of life; I rejoiced as one that had found a hid treasure; I was sweetly satisfied, that it came from him; and that by many evidences: for,

First, All discoveries of guilt were made by it. God by this spoke in my ear, sins which none save he who searcheth the heart, could know, which I knew not, nor any creature else. By it the secrets of my heart were manifest, so that I was compelled to own, that God was in it of a truth; I could not but cry out, “Come, see a book which told me all that ever I did. Is not this the book of God?”

Secondly, All the discoveries he made of his anger were made by the holy scriptures; it was by them that his wrath was dropt into my soul, and revealed from heaven against me. It was by the same that he let in upon my soul the glorious discovery of his being, attributes, and his whole will concerning my salvation by Jesus Christ. By the same he conveyed all those quickening, converting, transforming, supporting, composing influences, and let me see the other wonders of his law; excellent things in counsel and knowledge. By this he was pleased to reveal the craft, the power, the actings, and the designs of my enemies; his own designs in my trials, and something of his secret designs in many of his public administrations.

*Thirdly, As all these influences and discoveries were conveyed by his word, so by the peculiar light and power that attended them, he evidenced that his name was there. It taught, not as the greatest, the wisest, the best of men; but with another sort of authority and weight; it spake as never man spake. Whatever it said, my conscience stood to. When it challenged me for what I knew not to be faults, no defences availed; I was scarce sooner accused than arraigned, convicted, condemned. In like manner when God hereby spoke peace, he created it. The dead heard, and the hearer lived. Temptations after it spoke not again. When I was self-destroyed, self-condemned, and cast hereby into the greatest agony; yet whenever he sent his word, it healed me; my soul was commanded to be at peace, and there ensued a glorious calm.

5. And ♦whereas my enemies had often asked me, how I could distinguish the real among so many pretended revelations? God himself now gave me a reply: The prophet that hath a dream, let him tell a dream; and he that hath my word, let him speak my word faithfully. What is the chaff to the wheat, saith the Lord? Is not my word like as a fire? And like a hammer, that breaketh the rock in pieces? Jeremiah xxiii. 28, 29. And he was pleased particularly to speak those things, whereat I had stumbled, to my soul, which both humbled me for my former unbelief, and encouraged me to hope, that I should know other things hereafter which I understood not now. Again he satisfied me as to many things, that the time of knowing them was not yet; and that when he saw the proper season to be come, he would shew me plainly of them. He let me see his wisdom and goodness in thus training me up to dependance, for learning of him what I knew not; and shewed me that it was my duty to meditate in his law day and night, and to search the scriptures with all humility; since the secret of the Lord is only with those that fear him, and he will shew none but them his covenant.

6. When after this I read the scriptures, and found not that powerful light shining with that warming, quickning, dazzling glory, yet I found an habitual light in my soul, whereby I could almost every where discern part of the glory of the Lord; and by this I was over-awed, and brought still to regard them as the word of God. A light was still reflected on the whole scripture; and I was ordinarily enabled to perceive, how worthy of him, and like himself, every thing was which I read there, and by this abiding light I was capable of discerning therein discoveries of the actings of sin and grace, with a penetration and exactness beyond the reach of any, save, the omniscient and only wise God.