Act 3 — Scene I. The Country Court, a great Table, with Papers, a Clerk writing.

Enter a great many People of all sorts, then Friendly, after him Dullman.

Friend. How now, Major; what, they say Bacon scar’d you all out of the Council yesterday; What say the People?

Dull. Say? they curse us all, and drink young Frightall’s Health, and swear they’ll fight through Fire and Brimstone for him.

Friend. And to morrow will hollow him to the Gallows, if it were his chance to come there.

Dull. ’Tis very likely: Why, I am forced to be guarded to the Court now, the Rabble swore they would De-Wit me, but I shall hamper some of ’em. Wou’d the Governour were here to bear the brunt on’t, for they call us the evil Counsellors.

Enter Hazard, goes to Friendly.

Here’s the young Rogue that drew upon us too, we have Rods in Piss for him, i’faith.

Enter Timorous with Bailiffs, whispers to Dullman, after which to the Bailiffs.

Tim. Gadzoors, that’s he, do your Office.

Bail. We arrest you, Sir, in the King’s Name, at the suit of the honourable Justice Timorous.

Haz. Justice Timorous! who the Devil’s he?

Tim. I am the man, Sir, d’ye see, for want of a better; you shall repent, Guds zoors, your putting of tricks upon Persons of my Rank and Quality. After he has spoke, he runs back as afraid of him.

Haz. Your Rank and Quality!

Tim. Ay, Sir, my Rank and Quality; first I am one of the honourable Council, next, a Justice of Peace in Quorum, Cornet of a Troop of Horse, d’ye see, and Church-warden.

Friend. From whence proceeds this, Mr. Justice? you said nothing of this at Madam Ranter’s yesterday; you saw him there, then you were good Friends.

Tim. Ay, however I have carried my Body swimmingly before my Mistress, d’ye see, I had Rancour in my Heart, Gads zoors.

Friend. Why, this Gentleman’s a Stranger, and but lately come ashore.

Haz. At my first landing I was in company with this Fellow and two or three of his cruel Brethren, where I was affronted by them, some Words pass’d, and I drew—

Tim. Ay, ay, Sir, you shall pay for’t,—why—what, Sir, cannot a civil Magistrate affront a Man, but he must be drawn upon presently?

Friend. Well, Sir, the Gentleman shall answer your Suit, and I hope you’ll take my Bail for him.

Tim. ’Tis enough—I know you to be a civil Person.

Timorous and Dullman take their Places on a long Bench placed behind the Table, to them Whimsey and Whiff, they seat themselves, then Boozer and two or three more; who seat themselves: Then enter two, bearing a Bowl of Punch and a great Ladle or two in it; the rest of the Stage being fill’d with People.

Whiff. Brothers, it hath often been mov’d at the Bench, that a new Punch-Bowl shou’d be provided, and one of a larger Circumference; when the Bench sits late about weighty Affairs, oftentimes the Bowl is emptied before we end.

Whim. A good Motion; Clerk, set it down.

Clerk. Mr. Justice Boozer, the Council has order’d you a Writ of Ease, and dismiss your Worship from the Bench.

Booz. Me from the Bench, for what?

Whim. The Complaint is, Brother Boozer, for drinking too much Punch in the time of hearing Tryals.

Whiff. And that you can neither write nor read, nor say the Lord’s Prayer.

Tim. That your Warrants are like a Brewer’s Tally, a Notch on a Stick; if a special Warrant, then a couple. Gods zoors, when his Excellency comes he will have no such Justices.

Booz. Why, Brother, though I can’t read my self, I have had Dalton’s Country-Justice read over to me two or three times, and understand the Law. This is your Malice, Brother Whiff, because my Wife does not come to your Warehouse to buy her Commodities,—but no matter, to show I have no Malice in my Heart, I drink your Health.—I care not this, I can turn Lawyer, and plead at the Board. Drinks, all pledge him, and hum.

Dull. Mr. Clerk, come to the Tryals on the Dockett. Clerk reads.

Cler. The first is between his Worship Justice Whiff and one Grubb.

Dull. Ay, that Grubb’s a common Disturber, Brother, your Cause is a good Cause if well manag’d, here’s to’t. Drinks.

Whiff. I thank you, Brother Dullman—read my Petition. Drinks.

Cler. The Petition of Captain Thomas Whiff, sheweth, That whereas Gilbert Grubb calls his Worship’s Wife Ann Whiff Whore, and said he would prove it; your Petitioner desires the Worshipful Bench to take it into Consideration, and your Petitioner shall ever pray, &c.— Here’s two Witnesses have made Affidavit viva voce, an’t like your Worships.

Dull. Call Grubb.

Cler. Gilbert Grubb, come into the Court.

Grub. Here.

Whim. Well, what can you say for your self, Mr. Grubb.

Grub. Why, an’t like your Worship, my Wife invited some Neighbours Wives to drink a Cagg of Syder; now your Worship’s Wife, Madam Whiff, being there fuddled, would have thrust me out of doors, and bid me go to my old Whore Madam Whimsey, meaning your Worship’s Wife. To Whimsey.

Whim. Hah! My Wife called Whore, she’s a Jade, and I’ll arrest her Husband here—in an Action of Debts.

Tim. Gad zoors, she’s no better than she should be, I’ll warrant her.

Whiff. Look ye, Brother Whimsey, be patient; you know the humour of my Nancy, when she’s drunk; but when she’s sober, she’s a civil Person, and shall ask your pardon.

Whim. Let this be done, and I am satisfied. And so here’s to you. Drinks.

Dull. Go on to the Trial.

Grub. I being very angry, said indeed, I would prove her a greater Whore than Madam Whimsey.

Cler. An’t like your Worships, he confesses the Words in open Court.

Grub. Why, an’t like your Worships, she has had two Bastards, I’ll prove it.

Whiff. Sirrah, Sirrah, that was when she was a Maid, not since I marry’d her; my marrying her made her honest.

Dull. Let there be an order of Court to sue him for Scandalum magnatum.

Tim. Mr. Clerk, let my Cause come next.

Cler. The Defendant’s ready, Sir. Hazard comes to the Board.

Tim. Brothers of the Bench, take notice, that this Hector here coming into Mrs. Flirt’s Ordinary, where I was with my Brother Dullman and Lieutenant Boozer; we gave him good Counsel to fall to work: Now my Gentleman here was affronted at this, forsooth, and makes no more to do but calls us Scoundrels, and drew his Sword on us; and had I not defended my self by running away, he had murdered me, and assassinated my two Brothers.

Whiff. What Witness have you, Brother?

Tim. Here’s Mrs. Flirt and her Maid Nell,—besides, we may be Witness for one another, I hope, our Words may be taken.

Cler. Mrs. Flirt and Nell are sworn. They stand forth.

Whim. By the Oaths that you have taken, speak nothing but the truth.

Flirt. An’t please your Worships, your Honours came to my House, where you found this young Gentleman: and your Honours invited him to drink with your Honours; Where after some opprobrious Words given him, Justice Dullman, and Justice Boozer struck him over the Head; and after that indeed the Gentleman drew.

Tim. Mark that, Brother, he drew.

Haz. If I did, it was se defendendo.

Tim. Do you hear that, Brothers, he did it in defiance.

Haz. Sir, you ought not to sit Judge and Accuser too.

Whiff. The Gentleman’s i’th’ right, Brother, you cannot do’t according to Law.

Tim. Gads zoors, what new tricks, new querks?

Haz. Gentlemen, take notice, he swears in Court.

Tim. Gads zoors, what’s that to you, Sir?

Haz. This is the second time of his swearing.

Whim. What, do you think we are deaf, Sir? Come, come, proceed.

Tim. I desire he may be bound to his Good Behaviour, fin’d, and deliver up his Sword, what say you, Brother? Jogs Dull. who nods.

Whim. He’s asleep, drink to him and waken him,— you have miss’d the Cause by sleeping, Brother. Drinks.

Dull. Justice may nod, but never sleeps, Brother— you were at—Deliver his Sword—a good Motion, let it be done. Drinks.

Haz. No, Gentlemen, I wear a Sword to right my self.

Tim. That’s fine, i’faith, Gads zoors, I’ve worn a Sword this dozen Year, and never cou’d right my self.

Whiff. Ay, ’twou’d be a fine World if Men should wear Swords to right themselves; he that’s bound to the Peace shall wear no Sword.

Whim. I say, he that’s bound to the Peace ought to wear no Peruke, they may change ’em for black or white, and then who can know them.

Haz. I hope, Gentlemen, I may be allowed to speak for my self.

Whiff. Ay, what can you say for your self, did you not draw your Sword, Sirrah?

Haz. I did.

Tim. ’Tis sufficient, he confesses the Fact, and we’ll hear no more.

Haz. You will not hear the Provocation given.

Dull. ’Tis enough, Sir, you drew—

Whim. Ay, ay, ’tis enough, he drew—let him be fin’d.

Friend. The Gentleman should be heard, he’s Kinsman too to Colonel John Surelove.

Tim. Hum—Colonel Surelove’s Kinsman.

Whiff. Is he so? nay, then all the reason in the World he should be heard, Brothers.

Whim. Come, come, Cornet, you shall be Friends with the Gentleman; this was some drunken bout, I’ll warrant you.

Tim. Ha, ha, ha, so it was, Gads zoors.

Whiff. Come, drink to the Gentleman, and put it up.

Tim. Sir, my service to you, I am heartily sorry for what’s pass’d, but it was in my drink. Drinks.

Whim. You hear his Acknowledgments, Sir, and when he’s sober he never quarrels. Come, Sir, sit down, my Service to you.

Haz. I beg your excuse, Gentlemen—I have earnest business.

Dull. Let us adjourn the Court, and prepare to meet the Regiments on the Sevana. All go but Friend. and Hazard.

Haz. Is this the best Court of Judicature your Country affords?

Friend. To give it its due, it is not. But how does thy Amour thrive?

Haz. As well as I can wish in so short a time.

Friend. I see she regards thee with kind Eyes, Sighs and Blushes.

Haz. Yes, and tells me I am so like a Brother she had —to excuse her kind concern,—then blushes so prettily, that, Gad, I cou’d not forbear making a discovery of my Heart.

Friend. Have a care of that, come upon her by slow degrees, for I know she is virtuous;—but come, let’s to the Sevana, where I’ll present you to the two Colonels, Wellman and Downright, the Men that manage all till the arrival of the Governour.

Exeunt.