Act 3 — SCENE V. In the same House. The flat Scene of the Hall.

After a Knocking, enter Bredwel in his masking Habit, with his Vizard in the one Hand, and a Light in t’other, in haste.

Bred. Hah, knocking so late at our Gate— [Opens the door.

Enter Sir Feeble drest, and arm’d Cap-a-pee, with a broad Waste-Belt stuck round with Pistols, a Helmet, Scarf, Buff-coat and half Pike.

Sir Feeb. How now, how now, what’s the matter here?

Bred. Matter, what, is my Lady’s innocent Intrigue found out?— Heavens, Sir, what makes you here in this warlike Equipage?

Sir Feeb. What makes you in this showing Equipage, Sir?

Bred. I have been dancing among some of my Friends.

Sir Feeb. And I thought to have been fighting with some of my Friends. Where’s Sir Cautious, where’s Sir Cautious?

Bred. Sir Cautious—Sir, in Bed.

Sir Feeb. Call him, call him—quickly, good Edward.

Bred. Sure my Lady’s Frolick is betray’d, and he comes to make Mischief. However, I’ll go and secure Mr. Gayman. [Exit Bredwel.

Enter Sir Cautious and Dick his Boy with Light.

Dick. Pray, Sir, go to Bed, here’s no Thieves; all’s still and well.

Sir Cau. This last Night’s misfortune of mine, Dick, has kept me waking, and methought all night, I heard a kind of a silent Noise. I am still afraid of Thieves; mercy upon me, to lose five hundred Guineas at one clap, Dick.—Hah—bless me! what’s yonder? Blow the great Horn, Dick—Thieves—Murder, Murder!

Sir Feeb. Why, what a Pox, are you mad? ‘Tis I, ‘tis I, man.

Sir Cau. I, who am I? Speak—declare—pronounce.

Sir Feeb. Your Friend, old Feeble Fainwou’d.

Sir Cau. How, Sir Feeble! At this late hour, and on his Wedding-Night —why, what’s the matter, Sir—is it Peace or War with you?

Sir Feeb. A Mistake, a Mistake, proceed to the business, good Brother, for time you know is precious.

Sir Cau. Some strange Catastrophe has happened between him and his Wife to Night, and makes him disturb me thus— [Aside. —Come, sit, good Brother, and to the business as you say—

[_They sit one at one end of the Table, the other at the other; Dick sets down the Light and goes out—both sit gaping and staring, and expecting when either should speak_.

Sir Feeb. As soon as you please, Sir. Lord, how wildly he stares! He’s much disturb’d in’s mind —Well, Sir, let us be brief—

Sir Cau. As brief as you please, Sir—Well, Brother— [Pausing still.

Sir Feeb. So, Sir.

Sir Cau. How strangely he stares and gapes—some deep concern.

Sir Feeb. Hum—hum—

Sir Cau. I listen to you, advance—

Sir Feeb. Sir?

Sir Cau. A very distracted Countenance—pray Heaven he be not mad, and a young Wife is able to make an old Fellow mad, that’s the Truth on’t. [Aside.

Sir Feeb. Sure ‘tis something of his Lady—he’s so loth to bring it out —I am sorry you are thus disturb’d, Sir.

Sir Cau. No disturbance to serve a Friend—

Sir Feeb. I think I am your Friend indeed, Sir Cautious, or I wou’d not have been here upon my Wedding-Night.

Sir Cau. His Wedding-Night—there lies his Grief, poor Heart! Perhaps she has cuckolded him already— [Aside. —Well, come, Brother—many such things are done—

Sir Feeb. Done—hum—come, out with it; Brother—what troubles you to Night?

Sir Cau. Troubles me—why, knows he I am robb’d? [Aside.

Sir Feeb. I may perhaps restore you to the Rest you’ve lost.

Sir Cau. The Rest; why, have I lost more since? Why, know you then who did it?—Oh, how I’d be reveng’d upon the Rascal!

Sir Feeb. ‘Tis—Jealousy, the old Worm that bites— [Aside. Who is it you suspect?

Sir Cau. Alas, I know not whom to suspect, I wou’d I did; but if you cou’d discover him—I wou’d so swinge him—

Sir Feeb. I know him—what, do you take me for a Pimp, Sir? I know him—there’s your Watch again, Sir; I’m your Friend, but no Pimp, Sir— [Rises in Rage.

Sir Cau. My Watch; I thank you, Sir—but why Pimp, Sir?

Sir Feeb. Oh, a very thriving Calling, Sir,—and I have a young Wife to practise with. I know your Rogues.

Sir Cau. A young Wife!—’tis so, his Gentlewoman has been at Hot-Cockles without her Husband, and he’s Horn-mad upon’t. I suspected her being so close in with his Nephew—in a Fit with a Pox—[Aside.] Come, come, Sir Feeble, ‘tis many an honest Man’s Fortune.

Sir Feeb. I grant it, Sir—but to the business, Sir, I came for.

Sir Cau. With all my Soul—

[They sit gaping, and expecting when either should speak. Enter Bredwel and Gayman at the door. Bredwel sees them, and puts Gayman_ back again_.

Bred. Hah—Sir Feeble, and Sir Cautious there—what shall I do? For this way we must pass, and to carry him back wou’d discover my Lady to him, betray all, and spoil the Jest—retire, Sir, your Life depends upon your being unseen. [Go out.

Sir Feeb. Well, Sir, do you not know that I am married, Sir? and this my Wedding Night?

Sir Cau. Very good, Sir.

Sir Feeb. And that I long to be in bed?

Sir Cau. Very well, Sir.

Sir Feeb. Very good, Sir, and very well, Sir—why then what the Devil do I make here, Sir? [Rises in a rage.

Sir Cau. Patience, Brother—and forward.

Sir Feeb. Forward! lend me your hand, good Brother; let’s feel your Pulse; how has this Night gone with you?

Sir Cau. Ha, ha, ha—this is the oddest Quonudrum—sure he’s mad—and yet now I think on’t, I have not slept to night, nor shall I ever sleep again, till I have found the Villain that robb’d me. [Weeps.

Sir Feeb. So, now he weeps—far gone—this Laughing and Weeping is a very bad sign! [Aside.] Come, let me lead you to your Bed.

Sir Cau. Mad, stark mad—no, now I’m up ‘tis no matter—pray ease your troubled Mind—I am your Friend—out with it—what, was it acted? or but designed?

Sir Feeb. How, Sir?

Sir Cau. Be not asham’d, I’m under the same Premunire I doubt, little better than a—but let that pass.

Sir Feeb. Have you any Proof?

Sir Cau. Proof of what, good Sir?

Sir Feeb. Of what! why, that you’re a Cuckold; Sir, a Cuckold, if you’ll ha’t.

Sir Cau. Cuckold! Sir, do ye know what ye say?

Sir Feeb. What I say?

Sir Cau. Ay, what you say, can you make this out?

Sir Feeb. I make it out!

Sir Cau. Ay, Sir—if you say it, and cannot make it out, you’re a—

Sir Feeb. What am I, Sir? What am I?

Sir Cau. A Cuckold as well as my self, Sir; and I’ll sue you for Scandalum Magnatum; I shall recover swinging Damages with a City-Jury.

Sir Feeb. I know of no such thing, Sir.

Sir Cau. No, Sir?

Sir Feeb. No, Sir.

Sir Cau. Then what wou’d you be at, Sir?

Sir Feeb. I be at, Sir! what wou’d you be at, Sir?

Sir Cau. Ha, ha, ha—why this is the strangest thing—to see an old Fellow, a Magistrate of the City, the first Night he’s married, forsake his Bride and Bed, and come arm’d Cap-a-pee, like Gargantua, to disturb another old Fellow, and banter him with a Tale of a Tub; and all to be-cuckold him here—in plain English, what’s your Business?

Sir Feeb. Why, what the Devil’s your Business, and you go to that?

Sir Cau. My Business, with whom?

Sir Feeb. With me, Sir, with me; what a Pox do you think I do here?

Sir Cau. ‘Tis that I wou’d be glad to know, Sir.

_Enter _Dick.

Sir Feeb. Here, Dick, remember I’ve brought back your Master’s Watch; next time he sends for me o’er Night, I’ll come to him in the Morning.

Sir Cau. Ha, ha, ha, I send for you! Go home and sleep, Sir—Ad, and ye keep your Wife waking to so little purpose, you’ll go near to be haunted with a Vision of Horns.

[Exit Dick.

Sir Feeb. Roguery, Knavery, to keep me from my Wife—Look ye, this was the Message I receiv’d. [Tells him seemingly.

Enter Bredwel to the Door in a white Sheet like a Ghost, speaking to Gayman who stands within.

Bred. Now, Sir, we are two to two, for this way you must pass or be taken in the Lady’s Lodgings—I’ll first adventure out to make you pass the safer, and that he may not, if possible, see Sir Cautious, whom I shall fright into a Trance, I am sure. And Sir Feeble, the Devil’s in’t if he know him. [Aside.

Gay. A brave kind Fellow this.

Enter Bredwel stalking on as a Ghost by them.

Sir Cau. Oh—undone,—undone; help, help;—I’m dead, I’m dead. [Falls down on his Face; Sir Feeble stares,—and stands still.

Bred. As I could wish. [Aside, turns. Come on, thou ghastly thing, and follow me.

Enter Gayman like a Ghost, with a Torch.

Sir Cau. Oh Lord, oh Lord!

Gay. Hah!—old Sir Feeble Fainwou’d—why, where the Devil am I? —’Tis he:—and be it where it will, I’ll fright the old Dotard for cozening my Friend of his Mistress. [Stalks on.

Sir Feeb. Oh, guard me,—guard me—all ye Pow’rs! [Trembling.

Gay. Thou call’st in vain, fond Wretch—for I am Bellmour,

Whom first thou robb’st of Fame and Life, And then what dearer was,—his Wife.

[Goes out, shaking his Torch at him.

Sir Cau. Oh Lord—oh Lord!

Enter L. Fulbank in an undress, and Pert _undrest.

L. Ful. Heavens, what noise is this?—So he’s got safe out I see—hah, what thing art thou? [_Sees Sir Feeble arm’d_.

Sir Feeb. Stay, Madam, stay—’tis I, a poor trembling Mortal.

L. Ful. Sir Feeble Fainwou’d!—rise,—are you both mad?

Sir Cau. No, no,—Madam, we have seen the Devil.

Sir Feeb. Ay, and he was as tall as the Monument.

Sir Cau. With Eyes like a Beacon—and a Mouth,—Heaven bless us, like London Bridge at a full Tide.

Sir Feeb. Ay, and roar’d as loud.

L. Ful. Idle Fancies, what makes you from your Bed? and you, Sir, from your Bride?

Enter Dick with Sack.

Sir Feeb. Oh! that’s the business of another day, a mistake only, Madam.

L. Ful. Away, I’m asham’d to see wise Men so weak; the Fantoms of the Night, or your own Shadows, the Whimseys of the Brain for want of Rest, or perhaps Bredwel, your Man—who being wiser than his Master, play’d you this Trick to fright you both to Bed.

Sir Feeb. Hum—adod, and that may be, for the young Knave when he let me in to Night, was drest up for some Waggery—

Sir Cau. Ha, ha, ha, ‘twas even so, sure enough, Brother—

Sir Feeb. Ads bobs, but they frighted me at first basely—but I’ll home to Pupsey, there may be Roguery, as well as here—Madam, I ask your Pardon, I see we’re all mistaken.

L. Ful. Ay, Sir Feeble, go home to your Wife.

[Ex. severally.