THE STORY OF JUSTIN MARTYR. (SEE JUSTIN MARTYR’S FIRST DIALOGUE WITH TRYPHO.)

It seems to me like yesterday, The morning when I took my way Upon the shore—in solitude; For in that miserable mood It was relief to quit the ken And the inquiring looks of men— The looks of love and gentleness, And pity, that would fain express Its only purpose was to know, That, knowing, it might soothe my woe: But when I felt that I was free From searching gaze, it was to me Like ending of a dreary task, Or putting off a cumbrous mask. I wandered forth upon the shore, Wishing this lie of life was o’er; What was beyond I could not guess, I thought it might be quietness, And now I had no dream of bliss, No thought, no other hope but this— To be at rest—for all that fed The dream of my proud youth had fled, My dream of youth, that I would be Happy and glorious, wise and free, In mine own right, and keep my state, And would repel the heavy weight, The load that crushed unto the ground The servile multitude around; The purpose of my life had failed, The heavenly heights I would have scaled, Seemed more than ever out of sight, Further beyond my feeble flight. The beauty of the universe Was lying on me like a curse; Only the lone surge at my feet Uttered a soothing murmur sweet, As every broken weary wave Sunk gently to a quiet grave, Dying on the bosom of the sea— And death grew beautiful to me, Until it seemed a mother mild, And I like some too happy child; A happy child, that tired with play, Through a long summer holiday, Runs to his mother’s arms to weep His little weariness asleep. Rest—rest—all passion that once stirred My heart, had ended in one word— My one desire to be at rest, To lay my head on any breast, Where there was hope that I might keep A dreamless and unbroken sleep; And the lulled ocean seemed to say, “With me is quiet,—come away.” There is a tale that oft has stirred My bosom deeply: you have heard How that the treacherous sea-maid’s art With song inveigles the lost heart Of some lone fisher, that has stood For days beside the glimmering flood; And when has grown upon him there The mystery of earth and air, He cannot find with whom to part The burden lying at his heart; So when the mermaid bids him come, And summons to her peaceful home, He hears—he leaps into the wave, To find a home, and not a grave. Anon I said I would not die; I loathed to live—I feared to die— So I went forward, till I stood Amid a marble solitude, A ruined town of ancient day. I rested where some steps away From other work of human hand Two solitary pillars stand, Two pillars on a wild hill side, Like sea-marks of a shrunken tide: Their shafts were by the sea-breeze worn, Beneath them waved the verdant corn; But a few paces from the crown Of that green summit, farther down, A fallen pillar on the plain, Slow sinking in the earth again, Bedding itself in dark black mould, Lay moveless, where it first had rolled. It once had been a pillar high, And pointing to the starry sky; But now lay prostrate, its own weight Now serving but to fix its state, To sink it in its earthy bed; I gazed, and to myself I said, “This pillar lying on the plain The hand of man might raise again, And set it as in former days; But the fall’n spirit who shall raise, What power on earth? what power in heaven?” How quickly was an answer given Unto this voice of my despair! But now I sat in silence there, I thought upon the vanished time, And my irrevocable prime, My baffled purpose, wasted years, My sin, my misery—and my tears Fell thick and fast upon the sands; I hid my face within my hands, For tears are strange that find their way Under the open eye of day, Under the broad and glorious sun, Full in the heavens, as mine have done, And as upon that day they did, Unnoticed, unrestrained, unchid. How long I might have felt them flow Without a check, I do not know, But presently, while yet I kept That attitude of woe, and wept, A mild voice sounded in mine ears— “You cannot wash your heart with tears!” I quickly turned—and, vexed to be Seen in my spirit’s agony, In anger had almost replied— An aged man was at my side; I think that since my life began, I never saw an older man, Than he who stood beside me then, And with mild accents said again: “You cannot cleanse your heart with tears, Though you should weep as many years As our great Father, when he sat Uncomforted on Ararat— This would not help you, and the tear Which does not heal, will scald and sear. What is your sorrow?” Until now I never had unveiled my woe— Not that I shunned sweet sympathies, Man’s words, or woman’s pitying eyes; But that I felt they were in vain, And could not help me—for the pain, The wound which I was doomed to feel, Man gave not, and he could not heal. But in this old man’s speech and tone Was something that allured me on: I told him all—I did not hide My sin, my sorrow, or my pride: I told him how, when I began First to verge upward to a man, These thoughts were mine—to dwell alone, My spirit on its lordly throne, Hating the vain stir, fierce and loud, The din of the tumultuous crowd; And how I thought to arm my soul, And stablish it in self-controul; And said I would obey the right, And would be strong in wisdom’s might, And bow unto mine own heart’s law, And keep my heart from speck or flaw, That in its mirror I might find A reflex of the Eternal mind, A glass to give me back the truth— And how before me from my youth A phantom ever on the wing, Appearing now, now vanishing, Had flitted, looking out from shrine, From painting, or from work divine Of poet’s, or of sculptor’s art; And how I feared it might depart, That beauty which alone could shed Light on my life—and then I said, I would beneath its shadow dwell, And would all lovely things compel, All that was beautiful or fair In art or nature, earth or air, To be as ministers to me, To keep me pure, to keep me free From worldly service, from the chain Of custom, and from earthly stain; And how they kept me for a while, And did my foolish heart beguile; Yet all at last did faithless prove, And, late or soon, betrayed my love; How they had failed me one by one, Till now, when youth was scarcely done, My heart, which I had thought to steep In hues of beauty, and to keep Its consecrated home and fane, That heart was soiled with many a stain, Which from without and from within Had gathered there, till all was sin, Till now I only drew my breath, I lived but in the hope of death. While my last words were giving place To my heart’s anguish, o’er his face A shadow of displeasure past, But vanished then again as fast As the breeze-shadow from the brook; And with mild words and pitying look He gently said— “Ah me, my son, A weary course your life has run; And yet it need not be in vain, That you have suffered all this pain; And, if mine years might make me bold To speak, methinks I could unfold Why in such efforts you could meet But only misery and defeat. Yet deem not of us as at strife, Because you set before your life A purpose and a loftier aim, Than the blind lives of men may claim For the most part—or that you sought, By fixed resolve and solemn thought, To lift your being’s calm estate Out of the range of time and fate. Glad am I that a thing unseen, A spiritual Presence, this has been Your worship, this your young heart stirred— But yet herein you proudly erred, Here may the source of woe be found, You thought to fling, yourself around, The atmosphere of light and love In which it was your joy to move— You thought by efforts of your own To take at last each jarring tone Out of your life, till all should meet In one majestic music sweet— Deeming that in our own heart’s ground The root of good was to be found, And that by careful watering And earnest tendance we might bring The bud, the blossom, and the fruit To grow and flourish from that root— You deemed we needed nothing more Than skill and courage to explore Deep down enough in our own heart, To where the well-head lay apart, Which must the springs of being feed, And that these fountains did but need The soil that choked them moved away, To bubble in the open day. But, thanks to heaven, it is not so, That root a richer soil doth know Than our poor hearts could e’er supply, That stream is from a source more high, From God it came, to God returns, Not nourished from our scanty urns, But fed from his unfailing river, Which runs and will run on for ever.” When now he came to heavenly things And spake of them, his spirit had wings, His words seemed not his own, but given— I could have deemed one spake from heaven Of hope and joy, of life and death, And immortality through faith, Of that great change commenced within, The blood that cleanses from all sin, That can wash out the inward stain, And consecrate the heart again, The voice that clearer and more clear Doth speak unto the purgèd ear, The gracious influences given In a continued stream from heaven, The balm that can the soul’s hurt heal, The Spirit’s witness and its seal. I listened, for unto mine ear The Word, which I had longed to hear, Was come at last, the lifeful word Which I had often almost heard In some deep silence of my breast— For with a sense of dim unrest That word unborn had often wrought, And struggled in the womb of thought, As from beneath the smothering earth The seed strives upward to a birth: And lo! it now was born indeed— Here was the answer to my need. But now we parted, never more To meet upon that lone sea-shore. We have not met on earth again, And scarcely shall—there doth remain A time, a place where we shall meet, And have the stars beneath our feet. Since then I many times have sought Who this might be, and sometimes thought It must have been an angel sent To be a special instrument And minister of grace to me, Or deemed again it might be He, Of whom some say he shall not die, Till he have seen with mortal eye The glory of his Lord again: But this is a weak thought and vain. We parted, each upon our way— I homeward, where my glad course lay Beside those ruins where I sate On the same morning—desolate,— With scarcely strength enough to grieve: And now it was a marvellous eve, The waters at my feet were bright, And breaking into isles of light: The misty sunset did enfold A thousand floating motes of gold; The red light seemed to penetrate Through the worn stone, and re-create The old, to glorify anew; And steeping all things through and through A rich dissolving splendour poured Through rent and fissure, and restored The fall’n, the falling and decayed, Filling the rifts which time had made, Till the rent masses seemed to meet, The pillar stand upon its feet, And tower and cornice, roof and stair Hung self-upheld in the magic air. Transfigured thus those temples stood Upon the margin of the flood, All glorious as they rose of yore, There standing, as not ever more They could be harmed by touch of time, But still, as in that perfect prime, Must flourish unremoved and free, Or as they then appeared to me, A newer and more glorious birth, A city of that other earth, That Earth which is to be.