FROM THE LIPS OF ANANIAS.

These Little Tales Illustrate How a Good Lie, Well Told, Is Far More Honest Than That Polite But Hypocritical Invention Which Is Known as “Fiction Founded on Fact.”

A FISHERMAN’S REVENGE.

Enos Wilson, an enthusiastic fisherman from Brockton, Massachusetts, who is here on his spring vacation, is receiving the congratulations of his friends.

While out fishing in a canoe lately Enos got a bite from a dogfish. The dogfish bit the bottom out of the canoe and also carried away a portion of Mr. Wilson’s trousers.

This so enraged the doughty fisherman that he threw away his rod and line, and, jumping into the water, swam after the fish, overtaking it and holding it under the water until it was drowned.

The dogfish weighed nineteen and a quarter pounds on its own scales. It was a fresh-water dogfish and very vicious.—Boston Post.

FELINE INGENUITY.

Short—I thought you were going to drown that cat?

Long—Well, they say a cat has nine lives, but this one has twenty, I think. Why, I actually put that cat into a tub of water and tied a brick round its neck; and what do you think?

Short—Goodness knows.

Long—Well, this morning when I went to look at the tub the cat had swallowed all the water and was sitting on the brick.—Answers.

AN UNLIMITED EXPRESS.

“Trains in the South travel awfully slow,” said Robert Hathaway, of Atlanta, at the Plankinton House, “but it’s a base libel to say that conductors will stop trains to accommodate passengers who wish to pick flowers by the wayside.

“I was riding on a Central Georgia train about forty miles out in Campbell County, when the train came to a standstill. I could tell the train had stopped because I was looking out of the window at the time.

“When the conductor came through I asked the cause of the stop, and found it was a cow on the track. We started up, and had rumbled along several miles when it came to another stop.

“‘What’s the matter now,’ I called to the conductor, out of the window, ‘another cow?’

“‘Naw,’ he said disgustedly, ‘same cow.’”—Milwaukee Sentinel.

A STORY IN STONE.

A Yankee traveling in England listened for some time to a crowd of men talking together about the wonders they had seen in other lands. While others expressed surprise at what they heard, the Yankee remained passive, and he even yawned when others were working up to a high pitch of excitement. At length one of the travelers said to him:

“Have you anything in your country so superior and so much more wonderful that you could tell about?”

“Waal, I just have,” drawled the Yankee. “There’s hundreds of more wonderful things over in Ameriky that we don’t pay no heed to.”

“Do you mean Niagara Falls and the Mammoth Cave and such things?” said one.

“Pshaw! We don’t count caves, nor waterfalls, nor burning mountains, nor boiling springs, though we can beat creation in such things. Say, did any of you fellows hear of the petrified forest in Arizony?—hundreds of thousands of acres of stone forests!”

“And the trees standing?”

“The trees standing? Waal, I should say so; and not only standing, but all in leaf and some of ’em in blossom, and others, again, full of nuts and other fruit, all turned into stone, mind you.”

“And I suppose there were birds in the trees?” sneered one.

“Birds! Yes, sir, no end of birds, all of the most beautiful plumage and all turned into stone. Even the nests in the trees and the eggs in them were petrified in the most wonderful manner you ever saw. I see some of you fellows doubt me. Waal, all I have to say is that what I am telling you is true, and I’ll bet any sum on it and take you there to prove it. I’ll tell you what I saw last time I was in the petrified forest. There was a hunter who must have been in the forest when the petrification took place, for he was petrified, too, and there he stood as straight as you please, with a petrified gun on his shoulder a-taking aim at a petrified bird. Why, the whole thing was so natural that you could see the shot and smoke coming out of the muzzle of the——”

“I’ve got you there!” interrupted the Englishman. “The law of gravitation would have brought down the smoke and the shot.”

“So it would,” said the Yankee, “but the funny thing about it was that the law of gravitation was petrified, too, and so the blamed thing could not work.”—Tit-Bits.

A PEACH PUP.

“Speaking about dogs,” said Representative Beidler, of Ohio, “I suppose I have the most intelligent fox-terrier in the country, and he’s only a puppy yet.

“The other day he spilled his milk, and I cuffed his ears and chucked him out of the window. Next day he spilled his milk again, and I cuffed his ears again and chucked him out of the window. The next day, after he had spilled his milk again, he cuffed his ears and went and jumped out the window.”—New York World.

THE EMERGENCY AND THE MAN.

“Some people deal with graft about the way a farmer in northern Pennsylvania dealt with an emergency,” said Mayor Weaver, of Philadelphia.

“This farmer called on a neighbor very early one morning. The latter, although much surprised at receiving such an early call, did not forget his hospitality.

“‘Come in, Jake, and set down,’ he said cordially.

“‘I don’t know’s I ought,’ said Jake, but after a little more persuasion he went. About fifteen minutes were consumed in miscellaneous discussion of crops, when breakfast was ready.

“‘Set by, Jake, and hev a bite ter eat,’ invited the still hospitable farmer.

“‘Now, act’ly, Silas, I don’t know’s I orter stay so long. Ye see, ’taint’s though I didn’t ’preciate yer kindness, but my roof’s afire, and I cum over ter borrer a ladder.’”—New York Times.

WHERE TWO CLIMATES MEET.

A “digger” from California, eulogizing the climate, said:

“There’s a mountain there—the Sawyer Nevady, they call it—with a valley on each side of it, the one hot, the other cold. Well, get on the top of that mountain with a double-barreled gun, and you can, without moving, kill summer or winter game, just as you will.”

“What! Have you ever tried it?” asked one of his auditors.

“Tried! Often—and would have done pretty well but for one thing.”

“Well, what was that?”

“I wanted a dog that would stand both climates. The last dog I had froze his tail while huntin’ on the summer side. He didn’t get entirely out of the winter side, you know, sir.”—Old scrap book.

STRETCHING IT.

An American visiting Dublin told some startling stories about the height of some of the New York buildings. An Irishman who was listening stood it as long as he could, and then queried:

“Ye haven’t seen our newest hotel, have ye?”

The American thought not.

“Well,” said the Irishman, “it’s so tall that we had to put the two top stories on hinges.”

“What for?” asked the American.

“So we could let ’em down till the moon went by,” said Pat.—Exchange.

A piece ov satire, tew be beneficial, should be so rendered that every man who reads it or hears it shall say to himself, “That iz just, bekause it hits every boddy but me.”—Josh Billings.