ILLUSTRATED WITH Numerous Original Designs BY ROBERT CRUIKSHANK. (continued 3)

——Timely running's no mean part Of conduct in the martial art.

Sitophagus, from Set off again, is perfectly within the canon of parcè detorta, which it may not be amiss here to repeat:

"New words are allowable, if they descend," says Horace, "from the English[28] spring, with a sparing distortion."

I have neither leisure nor inclination to go through the whole of the names of the heroes in Homer's battle of the frogs and mice; nor is it necessary, for it must be apparent to every ingenuous critic that they are all derived from one source. Such, however, as occur to me elsewhere, and are thought by many to have very different roots, I shall notice for the purpose of dispelling the clouds of error, and restoring the light of truth.

Pallas. This word should be written thus 'Pallas, with an apostrophe, as in the instance of 'fore for afore. Its origin then clearly appears. The goddess was so called on account of the Gorgon's head on her shield, that had the power of killing or turning into stone, which was indeed enough to Appal us.

In a very singular work, printed in 1611, and entitled Stafford's Niobe, I find something like an attempt to prove that the goddess of wisdom acquired the name of Pallas from the Paleness she occasions in her followers. The author's words are simply, "Pallas, whose liverie is paleness," which, if allowed to have any etymological bearing, will, from their date, at once deprive me of all credit for originality in this department of philology. The learned reader is left to decide on this nice point.

Venus, from wean us, as it is even now elegantly pronounced by many. As the heavenly Venus had that power with the Gods, so has each earthly one with us, namely, to wean us from all other earthly things, and hence the undoubted derivation.

Ἡγεμων, or Egemon, with the Greeks, meant a general, and is very evidently borrowed from a vulgar phrase amongst us, most pointedly significant of the office of a general, with respect to his soldiers, viz. to egg 'em on. It will be observed, that I have sunk the aspirate, which is a mere vulgarism in the Greek speaker, as in such instances as the following amongst ours, viz. "Hi ham" for I am.

Macrones, a people on the confines of Colchis, and I should suppose, though Flaccus does not mention it, and I have no leisure to turn to Herodotus, remarkable for their partiality to dress, since the word is clearly an abbreviated pronunciation of Macaronies.

Celsus. This philosopher composed a treatise against the Christians, which having a good sale, one of the Christians, in a merry mood, said, he sells us, and from that moment he bore his present name.

L. Mummius, a Roman consul, who acquired his cognomen of mummius, or mummy us, from being sent against the Achæans, whom he beat most unmercifully.

Boreas. This wind was long without a name, until the people feeling its northern blasts exceedingly troublesome, would be continually crying, "how they bore us!" which in time gave rise to the word boreas, or as it was originally pronounced bore us. Here we presently come at the etymology of the verb to bore, which has hitherto baffled all research and made futile every conjecture. It cannot be questioned that the Persian Boreus, and Borus the son of Perieres, had their names from some such obnoxious qualities as are attributed to the wind, though we are at a loss to guess what they were, and are by no means willing to venture an hypothesis that may lead to indecency. It is worthy of remark, as an astonishing fact, that these gentlemen are mentioned by Polyænus and Apollodorus, but without a word in the Stratagems of the one, or in the Bibliotheca of the other, that throws any light on the matter.

Philostratus. A famous sophist, and very liberal and expensive in his entertainments, from which circumstance his friends very properly gave him the cognomen of fill us, treat us. The penultimate of Philostratus is short in its derived state, but this is a liberty perfectly excusable in these cases, and coming assuredly under the description of parcè detorta.

Mannus. It is imagined that this divinity obtained his name from having once undertaken to furnish some fleet with men; but from being a German God, and for other reasons, I confess that I have no great faith in this etymology.

Æsymnus. This anxious politician's consulting Apollo, according to Pausanias, on the subject of legislation, made the witlings of his time call the God his nurse, and then in ridicule exclaim ease him nurse, which speaks for itself.

Bacchus, or Back us; and admirably so called, because he is found to be the second best in the world, inspiring courage even in a coward.

Confucius. About the etymology of the title of this famous Chinese philosopher, we are much in the dark; but it seems in the greatest degree probable that he obtained it from being a philosopher of the modern description, who put every thing into confusion.

Damon. This poet received his name from a circumstance that attended his banishment from Athens. When the sentence was brought to him, he began d—ning and swearing most bitterly, on which the officer, a rough fellow, said, "Oh, you may Damn on as long as you like, it does not signify, you must go." And go he did, but still swearing; and the people, who are tickled with a feather, hearing the officer's observations repeated, nicknamed him Damon, or as it was formerly written and spoken, Dammon.

Alala. The goddess of war. See Plutarch de Glor. Athen. So called because the moment she took the field on any side, that side had the battle all hollow.

Æsacus. He persecuted a nymph so much who did not like him, that she at last plunged into the sea, and was metamorphosed into a parrot, and in that state still continued to exclaim, as she was wont, he's a curse, which soon became the lover's appellation.

Titans. A title given to the sons of Cœlus and Terra, by Saturn, when they warred against him. They were at first known as Hyperion, Briareus, &c.; but when the god heard that they were about to fight with him, he smiled, and cried, "Ay, ay,—ecod they're tight 'uns!" and this name has distinguished them ever since.

The above word reminds me of an eastern one—[Hebrew: nodba] or Abaddon, which will as indubitably as a thousand instances of the like nature, prove the superior antiquity of the English language over that of the Jews, as well as that of the Greeks, and it is very probable, in an equal degree, over every other, dead or alive. Abaddon is a name belonging to the devil, and the most ignorant will not scruple to confess that they plainly perceive its expressive etymology in A bad 'un.

In fine—sunt certi denique fines—There have been writers who have scarcely left Troy or its famous war "a local habitation and a name;" others go still further, and say that no such man as Homer, the author of the Iliad, ever existed; and a third party, proceeding another step, talk of proving incontestibly that there never were any ancients. But one wise man (with whom I am proud to join issue) positively affirms, that those who are called the ancients were born in the infancy of the world, and do not deserve the title, but that we who live in this enlightened age, with all the wisdom of past times at our command, are, truly speaking, the just and legitimate ancients. This, being reasonably substantiated, lends its powerful assistance to confirm the opinion respecting the prime antiquity of our native tongue, and I cannot conclude without indulging the irresistible impulse I feel to acknowledge, that I have no more doubt than I have with respect to any thing yet stated, that it will ultimately prove to be the universal language.

EVERY MAN HIS OWN PUNSTER, BEING RULES FOR PUNNING, OR PUNS FOR ALL PERSONS AND SEASONS. A FRAGMENT.

"Comitantibus armis,

PUNica se—attollet gloria." Virg. Æn. iv.

Prefatory remarks on the art of punning—its antiquity from Homer's outis, through Sophocles, Cicero, &c. down to Shakspeare, &c. Its advantages over wit. Wit requires wit in the hearer to comprehend it—a lasting and insuperable objection to its universality. Puns, on the contrary, require no wit to make them, nor any to understand them. Prove this by their well-known effect on stupidity in drawing-rooms, theatres, &c. An act to abolish punning would be the destruction of three-quarters of what are called the wits of our times, and fifteen-sixteenths of the dramatic writers.

Under these circumstances of fashion and prevalence, a man might as well go into a gambling house without knowing how to play, as into company without knowing how to make himself agreeable by punning. Rules are necessary for the acquisition of every art. Let what Ovid desired to have said of him, in respect to love, be said of me, with regard to punning—"Magister erat."

In the rules divide thus—puns for every day, in one week, in winter, spring, summer, and autumn. Puns, in these different seasons, for men, and puns for women, varied according to the class of life, and the rank held in the particular establishment, &c. &c.

MASTER OF A FAMILY. First day—Sketch to be filled up.

Sunday.—This is a day of rest for all things but women's tongues and puns—they have none. You go to church, of course, to set a good example to your family, but let them attend to the parson, you may be preparing puns against dinner-time, when you expect a party.

The man of the house is nothing without his wife. It is becoming that she should assist you—she is your help-mate. Connive together, and let her put leading questions. Half an hour before dinner—company come. All very stupid as usual. Mrs.—— observes, that she fears that the dinner will be rather late, as she was obliged to take Adam, the footman, to the park, on account of the children. The husband immediately remarks, that Adam may be the first of men, but he is a damn slow fellow.

Mrs.——. My dear Tom, you deserve a Cane for that.

Mr.——. Ay, if you were Able to give it to me, who am a host to-day. Perhaps you were on the Eve of saying this; well, there's as much chance in these things as in a Pair o' dice.

(A general laugh.)

Here you are at the end of this excellent subject. I don't know that any thing more can be made of it.

N.B. Hire no man unless his name is Adam, or he will suffer you to call him so.

Let your children enter. Miss Lucy, George, and Theodore, all punsters, but this day is devoted to the father. Call your daughter, Lucy, because, if you are a profound scholar, you can frequently bring in "luce clarior." Your other girl, Sally, ran away with an apothecary. Mrs.—— will say this, and you'll exclaim, "Ah, Sal volatile!"

Invite a poor French priest[29] to your table at these times. He is always to ask, when your children appear, "Est ce qu'ils sont tous par la même mère?"

When you are to reply—"Yes, I believe they are all by the same mare, but I won't answer for the horse[30]."

This is not very complimentary to your wife; but it would be a pretty joke indeed, if a good pun was to be lost for such a trifling consideration.

If you consult decency too much, there's an end of wit. He who digs for diamonds must not be over squeamish about dirt. Here Mrs.—— may say, "My dear Tom, I wish the man would bring up the dinner."

Mr. ——. "Bring up the dinner, my love? Heaven forbid! As Dido says, that's 'sic sic,' so so[31]."

You must not be too nice, as I observed before.

(Mrs. —— rings the bell.) Enter Servant.

Mrs. ——. Is dinner ready?

Mr. (Looking round.)—The chops are, I'm sure.

Adam. It is dishing now, ma'am.

(A crash heard as if an accident.)

Mr. —— Dishing indeed—I fear it's dished.

Dinner—all seated.

Mrs. ——. Will any body take soup?

Mr. ——. What, before grace, you graceless rogues. There's no parson here, I see; though we are not without some of the cloth. Well, I'll say it—grace at dinner is meet.

[A universal laugh. The sight of dinner is a breeder of good-humour.]

Take care to have the salt-cellars put on the table empty.

Mr. ——. Why what the devil's this—no salt!

Mrs. ——. (As planned.)—You have salt enough, I'm sure, my dear.

Mr. ——. "Ego punior ipse," Ovid. Very well, very well! my wife is not amiss: but the salt, Adam.

Adam. Sir, the house-keeper's gone out, and I don't know where to get any.

Mr. ——. Why an't here four salt sellers?

[The Frenchman does not understand this, but he is to laugh heartily nevertheless.]

Mrs. ——. Here, Adam; take this key, and you'll find some in the store-room, at the top of the house.

Mr.——. Attic salt, eh! ha, ha, ha! Well, come let's fall to; this meat will keep no longer without salt.

Mrs. ——. My dear Tom, that rich dish will only give you the gout.

Mr. ——. Pooh! "Chacun à son gout." Why should not I eat it, as well as another?

Mrs. ——. Bless me, how you mangle that duck.

Mr. ——. Mangle it, my love. Well, I think that's better than to wash and iron it; but tell me how you'll have it done, and you shall find me ductile.

[Many opportunities will offer of making obscene puns, but I give no rules for these; they come naturally to every punster! All I shall say is, that they must never be neglected.]

Let your cook be famous for pancakes. One of your little boys must inquire for some.

Mr. ——. My dear, this is Sunday; you know we can't have pancakes till Fri-day.

[Many more puns must be introduced. Champaign, real pain; after all cheese is best, &c.]

The company will, probably, add some, and you may, also, by accident; however, you'll have this advantage over your friends, that you'll be certain of all these while you're with your wife, and at home. Your acquaintance, of course, have names, and if they have no other merit, it's very hard if you can't make something of them in the pun way. Any blockhead can do that.

DESSERT.

Mr. ——. "Give every man his deserts." Shakspeare.

Mrs. ——. My love, shall I send you a peach?

Mr. ——. Yes, and if it isn't a good one, I'll impeach your judgment.

By connivance with the Frenchman, he must offer you a pinch of Maccuba snuff, saying he's sorry it is not better, but his Tonquin bean has lost its flavour. You then reply—Ay, I see it's one of the has-beens.

Mrs. ——. Oh! that's too bad.

Mr. ——. Why, it's wit at a pinch, at any rate; therefore it need not make you baw—l, as if I had got into the wrong box.—(Turning to the boys.)—What's Latin for goose, eh!

Boys. Brandy, papa!

Mrs. ——. You'll kill yourself with that vile liquor.

Mr. ——. How can that be—Isn't it eau de vie?

Mrs. ——, at some time, must call for the nutmeg grater.—You take it, and address your neighbour: Sir, you are a great man, but here is a grater.

The sweetmeats will be praised of course.

Mr. ——. All my wife's doing. Nancy's a notable woman, I assure you; but I'm more not able than she is, an't I, my dear?

Ladies all rise.

Mrs. ——. (Blushing.)—I can take a hint. My dear, pray touch the bell.

Mr. ——. (Chucking a young lady under the chin.)—Yes, my love, I'll touch the belle.

Mrs. ——. (Going.)—You wag!

Mr. ——. No, I think you wag, but—(bowing)—I bow to you.

The ladies gone, the gentlemen need no instructions. They will all have recourse to their mother tongue, and the most ignorant will shine the most. The master must begin with half a dozen obscene puns, to make himself agreeable, and the conversation general[32].

THE TEA TABLE.

Mr.——. (Entering after all the rest.)—Ah! Mrs.——, what I see you are at home to a t to-night.

Boys. Pa, we have had no tea.

Mr.——. "Sine te juventas." That's wrong. It is right that you should not be left out.

Mrs.—— purposely sends a dish of tea to a lady, without sugar, of which she complains.

Mr.——. (Handing the sugar basin.)—Well, ma'am, if you do not like it, you may lump it.

[Miss Lucy plays on the piano-forte, but is to fail in her first attempt.]

Mrs.——. (As planned.)—That comes of playing at sight.

Mr.——. At sight! Why what the deuce would come if she was to shut her eyes?

If any thing like serious or sensible conversation should be introduced, and there's no knowing what some dull fellow may not do, put an end to it at once with a pun. If he talk of war, suppose he means the Pun-ic war, and say that in your battles you are with Livy—"Punctim magìs quam cœsim peto hostem." If he speak of the army, look archly at your wife, and say you expect soon to have a son in arms, &c. Should he mention the Prince of Wales, inquire, which is greater, the Dolphin of France or the Prince of Wales? solving the question immediately with Juvenal's

"Delphinis Balæna Britannica major." Than Dolphins greater is the British Whale.

Now something about going into Bedfordshire and the land of Nod will wind up what is commonly called a very pleasant day, full of wit, humour, and repartee. I must not forget to observe, that, if you can add any practical jokes, which lead to puns, and fall at all short of murder, the treat will be improved.

Viz. Pinch a piece out of a man's arm, to say you did not know there was any harm. Break his shin—that's leg-al. Pull away his chair[33] when he is sitting down—you've good ground for it. Run your head against his—two heads are better than one. Overturn the milk-jug on him—then he's in the milky way. So with the urn—then he's in hot water. When he hops about, say he seems in a lame-ntable way. Let the boys knock the candle into some lady's lap—this you may call a wick-ed thing, &c. &c. Intersperse these, with other such amiable pleasantries as these, and all the fools (a commanding majority in every assembly in the country), will shout for joy, extol your wit, and applaud your ingenuity.

LONDON: PRINTED BY THOMAS DAVISON, WHITEFRIARS.

CONTENTS.

Page Dedication to the King, i A Word to the Witty and the Wise, iii Description of Frontispiece, vii Prolegomena on Punning,1 Origin of Punning,19 Art of Punning, by Swift and Sheridan,23 Satire on Sheridan, by Dr. Tisdal,68 Dying Speech of Tom Ashe,72 A Pestilent Neighbour,77 Punning Epistle on Money,78 God's Revenge against Punning, by Dr. Arbuthnot,79 The Birth of a Pun,84 Antiquity of Puns,85 Punning on Surnames,86 Punning run mad,90 Bashful on Punning,93 Examples in Punning,97 W. R. V—ana,125 Norburyana,129 Punning Epigrams,143 The Punster's Court,165 Puns for all Purposes,166 A Punning Essay,183 Every Man his own Punster,190

ILLUSTRATIONS.

Page 1. Vignette to Title—The Punster's Court 2. The Dance of Wit, v 3. Squibs and Crackers, a 5th of November scene,1 4. The Androgynos, or Jove's Pun,19 5. The Art of Punning,23 6. The Lord's Humbassador,63 7. The Dancing Punster,70 8. The Birth of a Pun,84 9. The Bashful Punster,93 10. The Magic of Punning,96 11. The Punster's Bowl,97 12. Lord Norbury and Court,129 13. The Sporting Punsters,143 14. Death of Poor Carlo,164 15. Gunpowder Wit,166 16. Tartani's Dream,182

With Numerous Elegant Vignettes interspersed through the Work.

TRANSCRIBER'S NOTES.

Except for obvious typos and printer errors, which have been corrected without comment, the author's spelling, grammar, and use of punctuation are retained as in the original publication, with the following exceptions:

Page44. Change cremona to Cremona. ... threw down a Cremona-fiddle with a ...

Page47. Change tory to Tory. ... pretends to be a Tory, or ...

Page52. Correct typo. Change recal to recall. ... you may recall a discourse...

Page 128. Opening quote added in the paragraph ending "_even a major-ity_."

Page180. Correct typo. Change, to. ... it is An-acre-on-tick.

There are three apparent printer errors in the list of illustrations. Although there are html links directing the reader to pages 70, 84, and 166, there are no illustrations on those pages in the original publication.