CHAP. L.

Guzman marries again at Alcala, and shortly after returns to live at Madrid with his new wife.

I lived most delightfully with my new landladies; they endeavoured to anticipate my every desire: in short, I was the master of the house. This life lasted for about three months, at the expiration of which time I began to talk of marriage. We soon came to terms; and, by way of making a greater fool of myself, I expended a considerable sum of money in wedding clothes. One would have thought that I had cart-loads of money; though, to say the truth, I was almost at my last shift.

My mother-in-law, who was a good sort of woman, very easily led away by finery, seeing the fine show I made, thought that I was of course possessed of considerable property, and that the fortune of her whole family was made by obtaining me for a son-in-law. As it was necessary that a young man should be employed, she proposed to me to apply myself to physic, telling me that it was a very lucrative profession, and that if her husband had been more assiduous in it, he might have left his widow and children much better off than they were. To induce me to follow her advice, she offered me all Doctor Gracia’s books and memoranda, not doubting, as she said, that with such assistance, and my excellent understanding, I should soon become an excellent physician. To gratify her wishes, I was complaisant enough to study for about six months under some of the most famous professors of medicine; but their lessons were not at all to my taste, and I soon became disgusted with a study which at the best could only maintain me in my old age. I pretended, therefore, that I had received letters from one of my friends, offering me a lucrative post at Madrid, in which I could not fail to grow rich in a very few years. I imparted this news to my mother-in-law, who, believing it to be true, was the first to recommend me to accept the situation, much as she really regretted the loss of my society.

The aversion I felt for the study of medicine was not the only reason for my wishing to leave Alcala. My finances were now at a very low ebb, and I did not wish to expose my poverty in a place where I had hitherto been considered in easy circumstances. In addition to this, I must inform you, that Donna Maria, since her marriage, had thought proper to renew an intercourse with certain students whose tender attentions she had formerly encouraged. This was the more provoking to me, as she could expect no grateful acknowledgments from such gallants but serenades and boxes of sweetmeats. I was by no means satisfied with such empty profits; for it appeared to me, that a husband who kindly condescended to shut his eyes to his wife’s gallantries, deserved at least that abundance should reign in his house. I resolved, therefore, to leave a place where my wife had formed such bad acquaintances, and to establish ourselves, at Madrid, where much better were to be met with.

Being quite prepared for the journey, we bade adieu to our friends and family, and set off in a genteel equipage for that city, so justly called the refuge for the destitute, Madrid. I had entirely broken with my father-in-law, Don Andrea, on the occasion of my second marriage, which I had contracted contrary to his advice. I thought no more of him; and as to my creditors, as I had still two years before me, I troubled myself but little on that head, nothing doubting, that before they could legally annoy me again, I should either make some lucky hit, or my wife’s beauty would enable us to form, far enough out of their reach, a solid establishment.

A poor devil of a merchant from Alicant was the first who fell into our snares. Unfortunately for him, he had joined us on our route, and having seen Donna Maria, conceived a violent love for her. We clearly perceived this, when having arrived at Madrid, he compelled us, as it were, to stop at the inn where he lodged; and he assured us we should find every thing most comfortable. “The landlady,” said he, “is one of the best women in the world. She has most excellent apartments, and a most famous cook.” There was no resisting the earnestness of his entreaties, which sufficiently betrayed the goodness of his intentions. We were, therefore, easily persuaded, and were conducted to the inn, where we were exceedingly well received by the landlady, who appeared to us to be really respectable, and very much the friend of the merchant. She allotted to us one of the best apartments in the house, and tendered her services most obsequiously on any occasion that we might require them.

Our travelling companion requested that we would leave to him the care of providing a good supper for us; in which office he acquitted himself like a rich man who wished only to please. He spared nothing during the meal to gain my good graces. He paid much more attention to me than to my wife, perhaps imagining that I was the most likely to oppose his design. After supper, I inquired what was to pay, and was answered that every thing was settled. I was overjoyed; but to let him see that I knew how to treat as well as he did, I invited him to dine with me the next day, and in the mean time sent orders to the cook to prepare an excellent dinner for three persons. It is true, that I fully intended he should pay for it; and, accordingly, no sooner was dinner over, than I went out under pretence of having some important business at the court end of the town, requesting him to excuse me, and to be so kind as to keep my wife company in my absence. This exactly suited him as well as me. Donna Maria, although sufficiently adorned by her natural beauty, had passed the whole morning in adding to it all the charms that could be borrowed of art, so that she appeared indeed more lovely than usual. She proposed to play to pass the time, and won a hundred ducats of our visitor, which he was obliged to lose to her out of gallantry.

This was nothing to what followed; for beginning to be more liberal in proportion as he became deeper in love, he put himself to a frightful expense. He presented my wife with several magnificent dresses, and a quantity of jewels. He conducted her sometimes to the promenade, sometimes to the theatres, and treated her and me every day in the most profuse manner. All this generosity on his part, you will say, could not be for nothing. I believe so as well as you. Donna Maria was naturally of too grateful a disposition not to make some return for such attentions. But I cared little or nothing about that. The husband of a coquette, when he is in indigence, and finds his account in allowing his wife to flirt, ought at least to be complaisant. The only fools are those gallants who purchase so dearly of him favours of which he is surfeited. As for me, I soon found myself by my prudent behaviour in a most enviable situation. We soon left our lodgings, and took a whole house to ourselves to live at greater liberty, ornamenting it with the most elegant furniture, which Signor Diego (for that was the merchant’s name) had the kindness to pay for. What a joyful life did we there lead! good cheer, love, and indeed every pleasure were ours.

The merchant could not be better satisfied than he was with his lot, and we were equally so with ours. Concord and peace reigned in our little abode, when a young German nobleman, handsome, well made, and with a grand equipage, chanced to see my wife at the playhouse with Signor Diego, and thought her so handsome, that he was most anxious to know who she was. Her superb dress and noble air impressed him with the idea that she was a lady of quality, while, on the other hand, the looks and dress of the merchant were by no means prepossessing. He knew not what to think of such a couple. At first he took Diego to be an attendant upon the lady; but the familiarity with which he treated her made him think at last that he must be her husband. To ascertain the truth, he caused her to be followed after the play by a clever valet, who returned with a faithful account of her situation; and the German, from his report, doubted not that he should soon be able to supplant the ugly merchant in her good graces.

To bring this about, he had a private conference with our late landlady, whom, by dint of presents, he soon gained over to his interests. This woman, from whom we had parted on good terms, was in the habit of calling upon us occasionally. One day, in a private conversation with Donna Maria, she drew so flattering a portrait of the German, that she engaged her to take a walk with her, unknown to Diego, where that young gentleman met her as though by chance. In addition to his fine figure and natural beauty, his manners were agreeable and insinuating. My wife took a fancy to him at first sight, and he did not, therefore, long languish. The proofs of gratitude of this gallant were not like those of Don Diego; but purses of a hundred doubloons each, valuable diamonds, superb tapestry, and rich plate. As soon as we found that this young nobleman was so prodigal of his riches towards us, we attached ourselves to him, and began to neglect our citizen of Alicant most outrageously. Donna Maria even favoured his rival in his presence.

Signor Diego was not deficient in pride. He was one of those rich merchants who look upon themselves as persons of quality. Not being willing to suffer that any one should be preferred to him after what he had done for us, he began to murmur. From murmurs he proceeded to reproaches, and from reproaches to threats. His passion excited my anger, and I told him that I chose to be master of my own house, and begged he would give himself no airs. He had not expected that I should have assumed so high a tone; and judging from that circumstance, that instead of my having been his dupe, he had been mine all the while, he wisely resolved to withdraw, which he did, bursting with rage and spite, instead of returning a thousand thanks to Heaven for having delivered him from such dangerous blood-suckers.

The German gentleman, far from diminishing our household expenses, increased them daily. He loaded us with presents, and we began to give ourselves great airs. I had three footmen, and my wife two female attendants. We lived as if our property was doomed to last all our lives. It was not, however, very far from its termination. Our gallant foolishly thought fit to boast of his good fortune to a friend, a young Count of the Court, and to bring him with him to visit us. As soon as this latter saw Donna Maria, he became his friend’s rival. This was of little consequence. The lady would have had wit enough to have pleased them both; but the Count wishing that two or three other of his fashionable friends should partake of his amusements, introduced them also to our house, where these youths altogether turned the house almost out of windows; nothing was to be heard but laughing and singing, from morning till night: and nothing could be done but gaming and drinking. And as these youngsters’ pockets were not always well stored, they borrowed and cheated; and though all this property generally fell into our hands, it went as lightly as it came.

So irregular a life could not fail to draw some misfortune upon us. Two of these young gentlemen, already irritated by jealousy, had a trifling dispute at play one night, upon which they immediately drew their swords. They fought; and before they could be separated, one of them received a mortal wound. The parents of the wounded gentleman, having learnt that this accident happened at my house, which they considered a resort for the disorderly, caused me to be arrested in my bed one morning by a large body of constables, who, after having possessed themselves of the principal part of my property, led me to prison.

This sudden intrusion of justice awoke my wife in rather a disagreeable manner, who rose and dressed herself speedily, in order to intercede with one of the principal judges, a person respectable as well from his venerable appearance as his advanced age. She threw herself at his feet with tears in her eyes, and implored his support with the most affecting language. The old man, notwithstanding his years, was less interested by the entreaties of his fair petitioner than by the charms of her person. He raised her up, and introduced her into his closet, that, as he said, her audience might not be interrupted; and while she related the affair to him, the old satyr, who scarcely listened to a word she said, dried her tears with his handkerchief with one hand, while he placed the other trembling on her bosom. In short, he gave her hopes that the unlucky adventure which had happened to me would have no ill consequences, and immediately sent orders to the gaoler to treat me well; for he was a magistrate of great authority, and might have released me immediately had he been so inclined, but he wanted a few more audiences with my wife. He appointed her to wait upon him the next day at the same hour. This she did, and was immediately shewn into his closet again, where she found him full dressed, combed, perfumed, and his beard neatly trimmed for the occasion. The success of this second visit was a promise that I should the next day be set at liberty; and my wife was obliged to call upon him again, to receive from his own hands the warrant for my release.

I thought myself very lucky in having got over this affair in so short a time, though it had cost me almost half I was worth. I flattered myself that, with so powerful a protector as my wife had now made, we might in future do any thing we pleased with impunity. Immediately after dinner I repaired to the judge’s house, where I thanked him for his great goodness. He received me very politely, and invited me to pay him a visit occasionally. I pretended to be extremely sensible of this honour, and, on taking leave, besought a continuance of his protection. He assured me that I might rely upon it; and, the better to convince me, he honoured us with a visit that very evening. We received him in such a manner, that if he had been Prime Minister of Spain he could not have had more respect shewn him. As he told us that he liked music, my wife and I formed a little concert for his amusement. We afterwards regaled him with fruits and sweetmeats, which he repaid the next day by a handsome present to my wife.

This superannuated gallant accustomed himself by degrees to spend every evening in a house where he was so well entertained. At last he began to find my presence troublesome to him, and to get me out of the way, he told me, one day that I was dining with him, that ’twas a pity a man of sense and learning as I was should pass his youth away in idleness; that he would think of some post that would suit me, in which I should be simple indeed if I did not speedily grow rich. I assured him that my idleness was quite contrary to my inclinations, and that he would most sensibly oblige me if he would procure me an useful occupation, in which I trusted I could acquit myself to his satisfaction. The next day he paid me another visit, and put into my hands a commission to be one of the Receivers of King’s Taxes, signifying to me, at the same time, that it would be necessary for me to repair to the precinct to which I was appointed without delay. Although I had but little inclination to this employment, I accepted it, and returned my benefactor as many thanks as if he had raised me to one of the first posts in the kingdom. My wife was scarcely better pleased at it than I was, but we resolved in secret to make trial, whether, during my absence, our amorous grey-beard would be sufficiently generous to recompense us for the loss of the German gentleman.

I accordingly took leave of Donna Maria, leaving the field open to her old Adonis. I arrived at the department to which I was appointed, entered upon my new charge, and began to exercise it; but, alas! I soon found that, without robbing, extortion, and all sorts of violence upon the poor country people, I should be reduced to worse straits than ever. In short, I did not like the business, for I could not help thinking that a robber on the highway was an honester profession. Accordingly I had determined, at the expiration of the first three months, to be requested to be recalled. That time, however, had not elapsed before my patron wrote to me of his own accord to return to Madrid. This letter caused me more joy than I had felt when he so charitably released me from prison. I gave up my post with all my heart, and returned to my patron, very curious to learn how he could have grown tired of my absence. I went to see him the first thing on my arrival, and he began immediately to complain of Donna Maria’s coquettish inclinations. “Your wife,” said he, “has one very great fault, which is, that she loves none but young sparks. In vain have I represented to her that the many visitors of this description that she receives must infallibly ruin her; she will not break off such connexions: in short she is incorrigible. My sole reason,” continued he, “for recalling you, was to inform you of her indiscretion, and to caution you to keep a better check upon her conduct, lest, in the event of any second accident happening at your house, you may not always be able to find powerful and disinterested protectors.” I understood his meaning perfectly, and promised the old man that my wife should be more guarded in her future conduct; after which, I went home, well assured that my wife would tell the story in quite a different way; as in fact she did: for no sooner had I mentioned his name, than she began to declaim against him as an avaricious old curmudgeon, who had made her none but the most insignificant presents ever since my departure.

I entered into her resentment, and permitted more young men than ever to frequent our house; which the old magistrate having remarked, he reproached me for having broken my word with him, and, as though he had made my fortune, he accused me of making him an ungrateful return for all the benefits he had conferred on me. At length we lost all patience, and, to get rid at once of so troublesome a visitor, I ordered the servants to say we were not at home whenever he called.

No sooner did he perceive that we were determined to release ourselves from his tyranny than his love was converted into hatred, and in his passion he caused us to be condemned to leave Madrid in three days, under pain of imprisonment for the remainder of our lives. He thought that by this he would undoubtedly have reduced us to implore his mercy, and do just as he pleased; but he was much mistaken, for no sooner was this unjust sentence made known to us than we guessed from whence it came, and resolved to obey it, my wife choosing rather to travel all over the world than have any thing more to do with this old rascal, and I beginning to be apprehensive that my creditors would shortly be calling upon me for the remainder of my composition money.