THE JEST BOOK. (continued 2)

CCLXV.—A FEELING WITNESS.

A lawyer, upon a circuit in Ireland, who was pleading the cause of an infant plaintiff, took the child up in his arms, and presented it to the jury, suffused with tears. This had a great effect, until the opposite lawyer asked the child, "What made him cry?"—"He pinched me!" answered the little innocent. The whole court was convulsed with laughter.

CCLXVI.—EXTREMES MEET.

An Irish gardener seeing a boy stealing some fruit, swore, if he caught him there again, he'd lock him up in the ice-house and warm his jacket.

CCLXVII.—DR. WEATHER-EYE.

An Irish gentleman was relating in company that he saw a terrible wind the other night. "Saw a wind!" said another, "I never heard of a wind being seen. But, pray, what was it like!"—"Like to have blown my house about my ears," replied the first.

CCLXVIII.—HESITATION IN HIS WRITING.

An old woman received a letter, and, supposing it to be from one of her absent sons, she called on a person near to read it to her. He accordingly began and read, "Charleston, June 23, 1859. Dear mother," then making a stop to find out what followed (as the writing was rather bad), the old lady exclaimed, "Oh, 'tis my poor Jerry; he always stuttered!"

CCLXIX.—A GUIDE TO GOVERNMENT SITUATIONS.

Dr. Henniker, being engaged in private conversation with the great Earl of Chatham, his lordship asked him how he defined wit. "My lord," said the doctor, "wit is like what a pension would be, given by your lordship to your humble servant, a good thing well applied."

CCLXX.—NATURAL TRANSMUTATION.

The house of Mr. Dundas, late President of the Court of Session in Scotland, having after his death been converted into a blacksmith's shop, a gentleman wrote upon its door the following impromptu:—

CCLXXI.—CRITICS.

Lord Bacon, speaking of commentators, critics, &c., said, "With all their pretensions, they were only brushers of noblemen's clothes."

CCLXXII.—QUESTION AND ANSWER.

A Quaker was examined before the Board of Excise, respecting certain duties; the commissioners thinking themselves disrespectfully treated by his theeing and thouing, one of them with a stern countenance asked him, "Pray, sir, do you know what we sit here for?"—"Yea," replied Nathan, "I do; some of thee for a thousand, and others for seventeen hundred and fifty pounds a year."

CCLXXIII.—A TRUE JOKE.

A man having been capitally convicted at the Old Bailey, was, as usual, asked what he had to say why judgment of death should not pass against him? "Say!" replied he, "why, I think the joke has been carried far enough already, and the less that is said about it the better: if you please, my lord, we'll drop the subject."

CCLXXIV.—THE CART BEFORE THE HORSE.

A judge asked a man what age he was. "I am eight and fourscore, my lord," says he. "And why not fourscore and eight?" says the judge. "Because," replied he, "I was eight before I was fourscore."

CCLXXV.—A CITY VARNISH.

It being remarked of a picture of "The Lord Mayor and Court of Aldermen," in the Shakespeare Gallery, that the varnish was chilled and the figures rather sunk, the proprietors directed one of their assistants to give it a fresh coat of varnish. "Must I use copal or mastic?" said the young man. "Neither one nor the other," said a gentleman present; "if you wish to bring the figures out, varnish it with turtle soup."

CCLXXVI.—A RUB AT A RASCAL.

George Colman being once told that a man whose character was not very immaculate had grossly abused him, pointedly remarked, that "the scandal and ill report of some persons that might be mentioned was like fuller's earth, it daubs your coat a little for a time, but when it is rubbed off your coat is so much the cleaner."

CCLXXVII.—A SAGE SIMILE.

Mr. Thackeray once designated a certain noisy tragedian "Macready and onions."

CCLXXVIII.—AN ARCHITECTURAL PUN.

On the Statue of George I. being placed on the top of Bloomsbury Church.

CCLXXIX.—THE MAJESTY OF MUD.

During the rage of republican principles in England, and whilst the Corresponding Society was in full vigor, Mr. Selwyn one May-day met a troop of chimney-sweepers, dressed out in all their gaudy trappings; and observed to Mr. Fox, who was walking with him, "I say, Charles, I have often heard you and others talk of the majesty of the people; but I never saw any of the young princes and princesses till now."

CCLXXX.—A PROVIDENT BOY.

An avaricious fenman, who kept a very scanty table, dining one Saturday with his son at an ordinary in Cambridge, whispered in his ear, "Tom, you must eat for to-day and to-morrow."—"O yes," retorted the half-starved lad, "but I han't eaten for yesterday and to-day yet, father."

CCLXXXI.—A QUERY ANSWERED.

CCLXXXII.—A WOMAN'S PROMISES.

Anger may sometimes make dull men witty, but it keeps them poor. Queen Elizabeth seeing a disappointed courtier walking with a melancholy face in one of her gardens, asked him, "What does a man think of when he thinks of nothing?"—"Of a woman's promises!" was the reply; to which the Queen returned, "I must not confute you, Sir Edward," and she left him.

CCLXXXIII.—THE MEDICINE MUST BE OF USE.

Sarah, Duchess of Marlborough, once pressing the duke to take a medicine, with her usual warmth said, "I'll be hanged if it do not prove serviceable." Dr. Garth, who was present, exclaimed, "Do take it, then, my lord duke, for it must be of service one way or the other."

CCLXXXIV.—ROYAL FAVOR.

A low fellow boasted in very hyperbolical terms that the king had spoken to him; and being asked what his Majesty had said, replied, "He bade me stand out of the way."

CCLXXXV.—BLACK AND WHITE.

CCLXXXVI.—THE WORST OF ALL CRIMES.

An old offender being asked whether he had committed all the crimes laid to his charge, answered, "I have done still worse! I suffered myself to be apprehended."

CCLXXXVII.—A PHENOMENON ACCOUNTED FOR.

Dr. Byron, of Manchester, eminent for his promptitude at an epigram, being once asked how it could happen that a lady rather stricken in years looked so much better in an evening than a morning, thus replied:—

CCLXXXVIII.—BRIGHT AND SHARP.

A little boy having been much praised for his quickness of reply, a gentleman present observed, that when children were keen in their youth, they were generally stupid and dull when they were advanced in years, and vice versâ. "What a very sensible boy, sir, must you have been!" returned the child.

CCLXXXIX.—A WOODMAN.

A young man, boasting of his health and constitutional stamina, was asked to what he chiefly attributed so great a happiness. "To laying in a good foundation, to be sure. I make a point, sir, to eat a great deal every morning."—"Then I presume, sir, you usually breakfast in a timber-yard," was the rejoinder.

CCXC.—HUMAN HAPPINESS.

A captain in the navy, meeting a friend as he landed at Portsmouth, boasted that he had left his whole ship's company the happiest fellows in the world. "How so?" asked his friend. "Why, I have just flogged seventeen, and they are happy it is over; and all the rest are happy that they have escaped."

CCXCI.—MEASURE FOR MEASURE.

A fellow stole Lord Chatham's large gouty shoes: his servant, not finding them, began to curse the thief. "Never mind," said his lordship, "all the harm I wish the rogue is, that the shoes may fit him!"

CCXCII.—A DESERVED RETORT.

A spendthrift, who had nearly wasted all his patrimony, seeing an acquaintance in a coat not of the newest cut, told him that he thought it had been his great-grandfather's coat. "So it was," said the gentleman, "and I have also my great-grandfather's lands, which is more than you can say."

CCXCIII.—A POETICAL SHAPE.

When Mr. Pope once dined at Lord Chesterfield's, some one observed that he should have known Pope was a great poet by his very shape; for it was in and out, like the lines of a Pindaric ode.

CCXCIV.—A COMMON CASE.

A sailor meeting an old acquaintance, whom the world had frowned upon a little, asked him where he lived? "Where I live," said he, "I don't know; but I starve towards Wapping, and that way."

CCXCV.—EPIGRAM.

CCXCVI.—TOO COLD TO CHANGE.

A lady reproving a gentleman during a hard frost for swearing, advised him to leave it off, saying it was a very bad habit. "Very true, madam," answered he, "but at present it is too cold to think of parting with any habit, be it ever so bad."

CCXCVII.—SEALING AN OATH.

CCXCVIII.—A NEAT QUOTATION.

Lord Norbury asking the reason of the delay that happened in a cause, was told that Mr. Serjeant Joy, who was to lead, was absent, but Mr. Hope, the solicitor, had said that he would return immediately. His lordship humorously repeated the well-known lines:—

CCXCIX.—GOOD SPORT.

A gentleman on circuit narrating to Lord Norbury some extravagant feat in sporting, mentioned that he had lately shot thirty-three hares before breakfast. "Thirty-three hairs!" exclaimed Lord Norbury: "zounds, sir! then you must have been firing at a wig."

CCC.—AN UNRE-HEARSED EFFECT.

A noble lord, not over courageous, was once so far engaged in an affair of honor, as to be drawn to Hyde Park to fight a duel. But just as he arrived at the Porter's Lodge, an empty hearse came by; on which his lordship's antagonist called out to the driver, "Stop here, my good fellow, a few minutes, and I'll send you a fare." This operated so strongly on his lordship's nerves, that he begged his opponent's pardon, and returned home in a whole skin.

CCCI.—A GOOD SERVANT.

"I can't conceive," said one nobleman to another, "how it is that you manage. Though your estate is less than mine, I could not afford to live at the rate you do."—"My lord," said the other, "I have a place."—"A place? you amaze me, I never heard of it till now,—pray what place?"—"I am my own steward."

CCCII.—BALANCING ACCOUNTS.

Theophilus Cibber, who was very extravagant, one day asked his father for a hundred pounds. "Zounds, sir," said Colly, "can't you live upon your salary? When I was your age, I never spent a farthing of my father's money."—"But you have spent a great deal of my father's," replied Theophilus. This retort had the desired effect.

CCCIII.—A NOVELTY.

A person was boasting that he had never spoken the truth. "Then," added another, "you have now done it for the first time."

CCCIV.—SCOTCH UNDERSTANDING.

A lady asked a very silly Scotch nobleman, how it happened that the Scots who came out of their own country were, generally speaking, men of more abilities than those who remained at home. "O madam," said he, "the reason is obvious. At every outlet there are persons stationed to examine all who pass, that, for the honor of the country, no one be permitted to leave it who is not a man of understanding."—"Then," said she, "I suppose your lordship was smuggled."

CCCV.—BRUTAL AFFECTIONS.

The attachment of some ladies to their lap-dogs amounts, in some instances, to infatuation. An ill-tempered lap-dog biting a piece out of a male visitor's leg, his mistress thus expressed her compassion: "Poor little dear creature! I hope it will not make him sick!"

CCCVI.—AN INTRODUCTORY CEREMONY.

An alderman of London once requested an author to write a speech for him to speak at Guildhall. "I must first dine with you," replied he, "and see how you open your mouth, that I may know what sort of words will fit it."

CCCVII.—WHIG AND TORY.

CCCVIII.—CONTRABAND SCOTCHMAN.

A person was complimenting Mrs. —— on her acting a certain female character so well. "To do justice to that character," replied the lady, modestly, "one should be young and handsome."—"Nay, madam," replied the gentleman, "you are a complete proof of the contrary."

CCCIX.—A PLACEBO.

When Mr. Canning was about giving up Gloucester Lodge, Brompton, he said to his gardener, as he took a farewell look of the grounds, "I am sorry, Fraser, to leave this old place."—"Psha, sir," said George, "don't fret; when you had this old place, you were out of place; now you are in place, you can get both yourself and me a better place." The hint was taken, and old George provided for.

CCCX.—A PLACE WANTED.

A gentleman, who did not live very happily with his wife, on the maid telling him that she was about to give her mistress warning, as she kept scolding her from morning till night. "Happy girl!" said the master, "I wish I could give warning too."

CCCXI.—NOT TO BE BOUGHT.

A common-councilman's lady paying her daughter a visit at school, and inquiring what progress she had made in her education, the governess answered, "pretty good, madam, she is very attentive: if she wants anything it is a capacity: but for that deficiency you know we must not blame her."—"No madam," replied the mother, "but I blame you for not having mentioned it before. Her father can afford his daughter a capacity; and I beg she may have one immediately, cost what it may."

CCCXII.—SIGN OF BEING CRACKED.

In a cause respecting a will, evidence was given to prove the testatrix, an apothecary's widow, a lunatic; amongst other things, it was deposed that she had swept a quantity of pots, lotions, potions, &c., into the street as rubbish. "I doubt," said the learned judge, "whether sweeping physic into the street be any proof of insanity."—"True, my lord," replied the counsel, "but sweeping the pots away, certainly was."

CCCXIII.—CRUEL SUGGESTION.

Lord Stanley came plainly dressed to request a private audience of King James I., but was refused admittance into the royal closet by a sprucely-dressed countryman of the king's. James hearing the altercation between the two, came out and inquired the cause. "My liege," said Lord Stanley, "this gay countryman of yours has refused me admittance to your presence."—"Cousin," said the king, "how shall I punish him? Shall I send him to the Tower?"—"O no, my liege," replied Lord Stanley, "inflict a severer punishment,—send him back to Scotland!"

CCCXIV.—AN ODD FELLOW.

Lord Willoughby de Broke was a very singular character, and had more peculiarities than any nobleman of his day. Coming once out of the House of Peers, and not seeing his servant among those who were waiting at the door, he called out in a very loud voice, "Where can my fellow be?"—"Not in Europe, my lord," said Anthony Henley, who happened to be near him, "not in Europe."

CCCXV.—POST-MORTEM.

One of Cromwell's granddaughters was remarkable for her vivacity and humor. One summer, being in company at Tunbridge Wells, a gentleman having taken great offence at some sarcastic observation she made, intending to insult her, said, "You need not give yourself such airs, madam; you know your grandfather was hanged."—To which she instantly replied, "But not till he was dead."

CCCXVI.—KNOWING HIS PLACE.

At a grand review by George III. of the Portsmouth fleet in 1789, there was a boy who mounted the shrouds with so much agility as to surprise every spectator. The king particularly noticed it, and said to Lord Lothian, "Lothian, I have heard much of your agility; let us see you run up after that boy."—"Sire," replied Lord Lothian, "it is my duty to follow your Majesty."

CCCXVII.—AN ATTIC JEST.

Sheridan inquiring of his son what side of politics he should espouse on his inauguration to St. Stephen's, the son replied, that he intended to vote for those who offered best, and that he should wear on his forehead a label, "To let."—"I suppose, Tom, you mean to add, unfurnished," rejoined the father.

CCCXVIII.—CUTTING ON BOTH SIDES.

Lord B——, who sported a ferocious pair of whiskers, meeting Mr. O'Connell in Dublin, the latter said, "When do you mean to place your whiskers on the peace establishment?"—"When you place your tongue on the civil list!" was the rejoinder.

CCCXIX.—A READY RECKONER.

A mathematician being asked by a wag, "If a pig weighs 200 pounds, how much will a great boar (bore?) weigh?" he replied, "Jump into the scales, and I will tell you immediately."

CCCXX.—CATCHING HIM UP.

An Irishman being asked which was oldest, he or his brother, "I am eldest," said he, "but if my brother lives three years longer, we shall be both of an age."

CCCXXI.—A STOPPER.

A gentleman describing a person who often visited him for the sole purpose of having a long gossip, called him Mr. Jones the stay-maker.