CCCXXII.—A BOOK CASE.

There is a celebrated reply of Mr. Curran to a remark of Lord Clare, who curtly exclaimed at one of his legal positions, "O! if that be law, Mr. Curran, I may burn my law-books!"—"Better read them, my lord," was the sarcastic and appropriate rejoinder.

CCCXXIII.—HINC ILLE LACHRYMÆ.

"The mortality among Byron's mistresses," said the late Lady A——ll, "is really alarming. I think he generally buries, in verse, a first love every fortnight."—"Madam," replied Curran, "mistresses are not so mortal. The fact is, my lord weeps for the press, and wipes his eyes with the public."

CCCXXIV.—REASON FOR GOING TO CHURCH.

It was observed of an old citizen that he was the most regular man in London in his attendance at church, and no man in the kingdom was more punctual in his prayers. "He has a very good reason for it," replied John Wilkes, "for, as he never gave a shilling, did a kindness, or conferred a favor on any man living, no one would pray for him."

CCCXXV.—A BISHOP AND CHURCHWARDEN.

Bishop Warburton, going to Cirencester to confirm, he was supplied at the altar with an elbow-chair and a cushion, which he did not much like, and calling to the churchwarden said, "I suppose, sir, your fattest butcher has sat in this chair, and your most violent Methodist preacher thumped the cushion."

CCCXXVI.—STONE BLIND.

Lord Byron's valet (Mr. Fletcher) grievously excited his master's ire by observing, while Byron was examining the remains of Athens, "La me, my lord, what capital mantelpieces that marble would make in England!"

CCCXXVII.—AGREEABLE AND NOT COMPLIMENTARY.

In King William's time a Mr. Tredenham was taken before the Earl of Nottingham on suspicion of having treasonable papers in his possession. "I am only a poet," said the captive, "and those papers are my roughly-sketched play." The Earl examined the papers, however, and then returned them, saying, "I have heard your statement and read your play, and as I can find no trace of a plot in either, you may go free."

CCCXXVIII.—DR. JOHNSON WITHOUT VARIATION.

Dr. Johnson was observed by a musical friend of his to be extremely inattentive at a concert, whilst a celebrated solo player was running up the divisions and sub-divisions of notes upon his violin. His friend, to induce him to take greater notice of what was going on, told him how extremely difficult it was. "Difficult, do you call it, sir?" replied the doctor; "I wish it were impossible."

CCCXXIX.—MR. CANNING'S PARASITES.

Nature descends down to infinite smallness. Mr. Canning has his parasites; and if you take a large buzzing blue-bottle fly, and look at it in a microscope, you may see twenty or thirty little ugly insects crawling about it, which doubtless think their fly to be the bluest, grandest, merriest, most important animal in the universe, and are convinced that the world would be at an end if it ceased to buzz.—S.S.

CCCXXX.—PLEASANT DESERTS.

A certain physician was so fond of administering medicine, that, seeing all the phials and pill-boxes of his patient completely emptied, and ranged in order on the table, he said, "Ah, sir, it gives me pleasure to attend you,—you deserve to be ill."

CCCXXXI.—A HOME ARGUMENT.

CCCXXXII.—A BAD PEN.

"Nature has written 'honest man' on his face," said a friend to Jerrold, speaking of a person in whom Jerrold's faith was not altogether blind. "Humph!" Jerrold replied, "then the pen must have been a very bad one."

CCCXXXIII.—WIGNELL THE ACTOR.

One of old Mr. Sheridan's favorite characters was Cato: and on its revival at Covent Garden Theatre, a Mr. Wignell assumed his old-established part of Portius; and having stepped forward with a prodigious though accustomed strut, began:—

The audience upon this began to vociferate "Prologue! prologue! prologue!" when Wignell, finding them resolute, without betraying any emotion, pause, or change in his voice and manner, proceeded as if it were part of the play:—

This wonderful effusion put the audience in good humor: they laughed immoderately, clapped, and shouted "Bravo!" and Wignell still continued with his usual composure and stateliness.

CCCXXXIV.—CANDOR.

A notorious egotist, indirectly praising himself for a number of good qualities which it was well known he had not, asked Macklin the reason why he should have this propensity of interfering in the good of others when he frequently met with very unsuitable returns. "The cause is plain enough," said Macklin; "impudence,—nothing but stark-staring impudence!"

CCCXXXV.—A "COLD" COMPLIMENT.

A coxcomb, teasing Dr. Parr with an account of his petty ailments, complained that he could never go out without catching cold in his head. "No wonder," returned the doctor; "you always go out without anything in it."

CCCXXXVI.—READY REPLY.

The grass-plots in the college courts or quadrangles are not for the unhallowed feet of the under-graduates. Some, however, are hardy enough to venture, in despite of all remonstrance. A master of Trinity had often observed a student of his college invariably to cross the green, when, in obedience to the calls of his appetite, he went to hall to dine. One day the master determined to reprove the delinquent for invading the rights of his superiors, and for that purpose he threw up the sash at which he was sitting, and called to the student,—"Sir, I never look out of my window but I see you walking across the grass-plot". "My lord," replied the offender instantly, "I never walk across the grass-plot, but I see you looking out of your window." The master, pleased at the readiness of the reply, closed his window, convulsed with laughter.

CCCXXXVII.—FULL PROOF.

Lord Peterborough was once taken by the mob for the great Duke of Marlborough (who was then in disgrace with them); and being about to be roughly treated, said,—"Gentlemen, I can convince you by two reasons that I am not the Duke of Marlborough. In the first place, I have only five guineas in my pocket; and in the second, they are heartily at your service." He got out of their hands with loud huzzas and acclamations.

CCCXXXVIII.—EPIGRAM ON CIBBER.

CCCXXXIX.—A PROPHECY.

Charles Mathews, the elder, being asked what he was going to do with his son (the young man's profession was to be that of an architect), "Why," answered the comedian, "he is going to draw houses, like his father."

CCCXL.—A FIXTURE.

Dr. Roger Long, the celebrated astronomer, was walking, one dark evening, with a gentleman in Cambridge, when the latter came to a short post fixed in the pavement, but which, in the earnestness of conversation, taking to be a boy standing in the path, he said hastily, "Get out of the way, boy."—"That boy," said the doctor, very seriously, "is a post-boy, who never turns out of the way for anybody."

CCCXLI.—FAMILY PRIDE.

A young lady visiting in the family asked John at dinner for a potato. John made no response. The request was repeated; when John, putting his mouth to her ear, said, very audibly, "There's jist twa in the dish, and they maun be keepit for the strangers."

CCCXLII.—EVIDENCE OF A JOCKEY.

The following dialogue was lately heard at an assize:—Counsel: "What was the height of the horse?" Witness: "Sixteen feet." Counsel: "How old was he?" Witness: "Six years." Counsel: "How high did you say he was?" Witness: "Sixteen hands." Counsel: "You said just now sixteen feet." Witness: "Sixteen feet! Did I say sixteen feet?" Counsel: "You did." Witness: "If I did say sixteen feet, it was sixteen feet!—you don't catch me crossing myself!"

CCCXLIII.—WAY OF THE WORLD.

CCCXLIV.—A BROAD-SHEET HINT.

In the parlor of a public-house in Fleet Street, there used to be written over the chimney-piece the following notice: "Gentlemen learning to spell are requested to use yesterday's paper."

CCCXLV.—MODEST MERIT.

A player applied to the manager of a respectable company for an engagement for himself and his wife, stating that his lady was capable of playing all the first line of business; but as for himself he was "the worst actor in the world." They were engaged, and the lady answered the character which he had given of her. The gentleman having the part of a mere walking gentleman sent him for his first appearance, he asked the manager, indignantly, how could he put him in such a paltry part. "Sir," answered the other, "here is your own letter, stating that you were the worst actor in the world."—"True," replied the other, "but then I had not seen you."

CCCXLVI.—SOFT, VERY!

Some one had written upon a pane in the window of an inn on the Chester road, "Lord M——ms has the softest lips in the universe.—Phillis." Mrs. Abingdon saw this inscription, and wrote under it,—

CCCXLVII.—CAMBRIDGE ETIQUETTE.

Cambridge etiquette has been very happily caricatured by the following anecdote. A gownsman, one day walking along the banks of the Cam, observing a luckless son of his Alma Mater in the agonies of drowning, "What a pity," he exclaimed, "that I have not had the honor of being introduced to the gentleman; I might have saved him;" and walked on, leaving the poor fellow to his fate.

CCCXLVIII.—EPIGRAM.

(On interminable harangues.)

CCCXLIX.—HALF-WAY.

A horseman crossing a moor, asked a countryman, if it was safe riding. "Ay," answered the countryman, "it is hard enough at the bottom, I'll warrant you;" but in half-a-dozen steps the horse sunk up to the girths. "You story-telling rascal, you said it was hard at the bottom!"—"Ay," replied the other, "but you are not half-way to the bottom yet."

CCCL.—SELF-KNOWLEDGE.

"——," said one of his eulogists, "always knows his own mind." We will cede the point, for it amounts to an admission that he knows nothing.

CCCLI.—TWO OF A TRADE.

When Bannister was asked his opinion of a new singer that had appeared at Covent Garden, "Why," said Charles, "he may be Robin Hood this season, but he will be robbing Harris (the manager) the next."

CCCLII.—A STRAY SHOT.

An officer, in battle, happening to bow, a cannon-ball passed over his head, and took off that of the soldier who stood behind him. "You see," said he, "that a man never loses by politeness."

CCCLIII.—MILESIAN ADVICE.

"Never be critical upon the ladies," was the maxim of an old Irish peer, remarkable for his homage to the sex; "the only way in the world that a true gentleman ever will attempt to look at the faults of a pretty woman, is to shut his eyes."

CCCLIV.—MR. ABERNETHY.

A lady who went to consult Mr. Abernethy, began describing her complaint, which is what he very much disliked. Among other things she said, "Whenever I lift my arm, it pains me exceedingly."—"Why then, ma'am," answered Mr. A., "you area great fool for doing so."

CCCLV.—THE DEBT PAID.

CCCLVI.—EXTREMES MEET.

A clever literary friend of Jerrold, and one who could take a joke, told him he had just had "some calf's-tail soup."—"Extremes meet sometimes," said Jerrold.

CCCLVII.—A COMPLIMENT ILL-RECEIVED.

A person who dined in company with Dr. Johnson endeavored to make his court to him by laughing immoderately at everything he said. The doctor bore it for some time with philosophical indifference; but the impertinent ha, ha, ha! becoming intolerable, "Pray, sir," said the doctor, "what is the matter? I hope I have not said anything that you can comprehend."

CCCLVIII.—TRUTH NOT TO BE SPOKEN AT ALL TIMES.

Garrick was on a visit at Hagley, when news came that a company of players were going to perform at Birmingham. Lord Lyttelton said to Garrick, "They will hear you are in the neighborhood, and will ask you to write an address to the Birmingham audience."—"Suppose, then," said Garrick, without the least hesitation, "I begin thus:—

"Oh!" cried his lordship, "if you begin thus, they will hiss the players off the stage and pull the house down."—"My lord," said Garrick, "what is the use of an address if it does not come home to the business and bosoms of the audience?"

CCCLIX.—A GOOD REASON.

A gentleman, talking with his gardener, expressed his admiration at the rapid growth of the trees. "Why, yes, sir," says the man; "please to consider that they have nothing else to do."

CCCLX.—FOLLOWING A LEADER.

Franklin, when ambassador to France, being at a meeting of a literary society, and not well understanding the French when declaimed, determined to applaud when he saw a lady of his acquaintance express satisfaction. When they had ceased, a little child, who understood the French, said to him, "But, grandpapa, you always applauded the loudest when they were praising you!" Franklin laughed heartily and explained the matter.

CCCLXI.—IDOLATRY.

The toilette of a woman is an altar erected by self-love to vanity.

CCCLXII.—TWICE RUINED.

"I never was ruined but twice," said a wit; "once when I lost a lawsuit, and once when I gained one."

CCCLXIII.—Q.E.D.

A country schoolmaster was met by a certain nobleman, who asked his name and vocation. Having declared his name, he added, "And I am master of this parish."—"Master of this parish," observed the peer, "how can that be?"—"I am master of the children of the parish," said the man; "the children are masters of their mothers, the mothers are rulers of the fathers, and consequently I am master of the whole parish."

CCCLXIV.—SHORT STORIES.

Sir Walter Scott once stated that he kept a lowland laird waiting for him in the library at Abbotsford, and that when he came in he found the laird deep in a book which Sir Walter perceived to be Johnson's Dictionary. "Well, Mr. ——," said Sir Walter, "how do you like your book?"—"They're vera pretty stories, Sir Walter," replied the laird; "but they're unco' short."

CCCLXV.—ON A LADY WHO SQUINTED.

CCCLXVI.—AN ORIGINAL ATTRACTION.

Foote one evening announced, for representation at the Haymarket Theatre, "The Fair Penitent," to be performed, for that night only, by a black lady of great accomplishments.

CCCLXVII.—DEMOCRATIC VISION.

Horne Tooke, being asked by George III. whether he played at cards, replied, "I cannot, your Majesty, tell a king from a knave."

CCCLXVIII.—FISHY, RATHER.

Lord Ellenborough, on his return from Hone's trial, suddenly stopped his carriage at Charing Cross, and said, "It occurs to me that they sell the best herrings in London at that shop. Buy six."

CCCLXIX.—LIGHT BREAD.

A baker has invented a new kind of yeast. It makes bread so light that a pound of it weighs only twelve ounces.

CCCLXX.—SOMETHING LIKE AN INSULT.

The late Judge C—— one day had occasion to examine a witness who stuttered very much in delivering his testimony. "I believe," said his lordship, "you are a very great rogue."—"Not so great a rogue as you my lord,—t-t-t-take me to be."

CCCLXXI.—ON CHARLES KEAN, THE ACTOR.

CCCLXXII.—POLITICAL CORRUPTION.

Curran, when opposed to Lord Clare, said that he reminded him of a chimney-sweep, who had raised himself by dark and dusky ways, and then called aloud to his neighbors to witness his dirty elevation.

CCCLXXIII.—A QUAKERLY OBJECTION.

A quaker being asked his opinion of phrenology, replied indignantly, "Friend, there can be no good in a science that compels a man to take off his hat!"

CCCLXXIV.—A GOOD-HEARTED FELLOW.

In a valedictory address an editor wrote: "If we have offended any man in the short but brilliant course of our public career, let him send us a new hat, and we will then forget the past." A cool chap that!

CCCLXXV.—EPIGRAM ON THE DEATH OF FOOTE.

CCCLXXVI.—THE ANGRY OCEAN.

"Mother, this book tells about the angry waves of the ocean. Now, what makes the ocean get angry?"—"Because it has been crossed so often, my son."

CCCLXXVII.—BREVITY.

Dr. Abernethy, the celebrated physician, was never more displeased than by hearing a patient detail a long account of troubles. A woman, knowing Abernethy's love of the laconic, having burned her hand, called at his house. Showing him her hand, she said, "A burn."—"A poultice," quietly answered the learned doctor. The next day she returned, and said, "Better."—"Continue the poultice," replied Dr. A. In a week she made her last call and her speech was lengthened to three words, "Well,—your fee?"—"Nothing," said the physician; "you are the most sensible woman I ever saw."

CCCLXXVIII.—EPIGRAM.

CCCLXXIX.—A BROAD-BRIM HINT.

A quaker said to a gunner, "Friend, I counsel no bloodshed; but if it be thy design to hit the little man in the blue jacket, point thine engine three inches lower."

CCCLXXX.—AN ORDER FOR TWO.

At the last rehearsal of "Joanna," Mr. Wild, the prompter, asked the author for an order to admit two friends to the boxes; and whether Mr. Cumberland was thinking of the probable proceeds of his play, or whether his anxiety otherwise bewildered him, cannot be ascertained; but he wrote, instead of the usual "two to the boxes"—"admit two pounds two."

CCCLXXXI.—EPIGRAM FROM THE ITALIAN.

CCCLXXXII.—MARRIAGE.

A widower, having taken another wife, was, nevertheless, always paying some panegyric to the memory of his late spouse, in the presence of his present one; who one day added, with great feeling, "Believe me, my dear, nobody regrets her loss more than I do."

CCCLXXXIII.—FISHING FOR A COMPLIMENT.

A young man having preached for the doctor one day, was anxious to get a word of applause for his labor of love. The grave doctor, however, did not introduce the subject, and his younger brother was obliged to bait the hook for him. "I hope, sir, I did not weary your people by the length of my sermon to-day?"—"No, sir, not at all; nor by the depth either!" The young man was silent.

CCCLXXXIV.—VISIBLE PROOF.

An Irishman being asked on a late trial for a certificate of his marriage, exhibited a huge scar on his head, which looked as though it might have been made with a fire-shovel. The evidence was satisfactory.

CCCLXXXV.—SIMPLICITY OF THE LEARNED PORSON.

The great scholar had a horror of the east wind; and Tom Sheridan once kept him prisoner in the house for a fortnight by fixing the weathercock in that direction.

CCCLXXXVI.—EPIGRAM ADDRESSED TO MISS EDGEWORTH.

CCCLXXXVII.—KEEN REPLY.

A retired vocalist, who had acquired a large fortune by marriage, was asked to sing in company. "Allow me," said he, "to imitate the nightingale, which does not sing after it has made its nest."

CCCLXXXVIII.—A GOOD EXAMPLE.

In the House of Commons, the grand characteristic of the office of the Speaker is silence; and he fills the place best who best holds his tongue. There are other speakers in the House (not official) who would show their sagacity by following the example of their President.

CCCLXXXIX.—A CERTAINTY.

A physician passing by a stone-mason's shop bawled out, "Good morning, Mr. D.! Hard at work, I see. You finish your gravestones as far as 'In the memory of,' and then wait, I suppose, to see who wants a monument next?"—"Why, yes," replied the old man, "unless somebody's sick, and you are doctoring him; then I keep right on."

CCCXC.—NOMINAL RHYMES.

THE COURT OF ALDERMEN AT FISHMONGERS' HALL.

CCCXCI.—A BROAD HINT.

Charles II. playing at tennis with a dean, who struck the ball well, the king said, "That's a good stroke for a dean."—"I'll give it the stroke of a bishop if your Majesty pleases," was the suggestive rejoinder.

CCCXCII.—VAILS TO SERVANTS.

To such a height had arrived the custom of giving vails, or visiting-fees, to servants, in 1762, that Jonas Hanway published upon the subject eight letters to the Duke of N——, supposed to be the Duke of Newcastle. Sir Thomas Waldo related to Hanway, that, on leaving the house of the Duke alluded to, after having feed a train of other servants, he (Sir Thomas) put a crown into the hand of the cook, who returned it, saying, "Sir, I do not take silver."—"Don't you, indeed!" said the baronet, putting it into his pocket; "then I do."

CCCXCIII.—QUITE TRUE.

Avarice is criminal poverty.

CCCXCIV.—CONGRATULATION TO ONE WHO CURLED HIS HAIR.

CCCXCV.—THE POLITE SCHOLAR.

A scholar and a courtier meeting in the street, seemed to contest the wall. Says the courtier, "I do not use to give every coxcomb the wall." The scholar answered, "But I do, sir;" and so passed by him.

CCCXCVI.—A COOL HAND.

An old deaf beggar, whom Collins the painter was once engaged in sketching at Hendon, exhibited great self-possession. Finding, from certain indications, that the body and garments of this English Edie Ochiltree afforded a sort of pasture-ground to a herd of many animals of minute size, he hinted his fears to the old man that he might leave some of his small body-guard, behind him. "No fear, sir; no fear," replied this deaf and venerable vagrant, contemplating the artist with serious serenity; "I don't think they are any of them likely to leave me for you."

CCCXCVII.—QUID PRO QUO.

A physician of an acrimonious disposition, and having a thorough hatred of lawyers, reproached a barrister with the use of phrases utterly unintelligible. "For example," said he, "I never could understand what you lawyers mean by docking an entail."—"That is very likely," answered the lawyer, "but I will explain it to you: it is doing what you doctors never consent to,—suffering a recovery."

CCCXCVIII.—RECRUITING SERJEANT AND COUNTRYMAN.

A recruiting serjeant addressing an honest country bumpkin with,—"Come, my lad, thou'lt fight for thy King, won't thou?"—"Voight for my King," answered Hodge, "why, has he fawn out wi' ony body?"

CCCXCIX.—AN ANECDOTE.

CD.—DIDO.

Of this tragedy, the production of Joseph Reed, author of the "Register Office," Mr. Nicholls, in his "Literary Anecdotes," gives some curious particulars. He also relates an anecdote of Johnson concerning it: "It happened that I was in Bolt Court on the day that Henderson, the justly celebrated actor, was first introduced to Dr. Johnson: and the conversation turning on dramatic subjects, Henderson asked the Doctor's opinion of "Dido" and its author. "Sir," said Johnson, "I never did the man an injury, yet he would read his tragedy to me."

CDI.—EXTREME SIMPLICITY.

A countryman took his seat at a tavern-table opposite to a gentleman who was indulging in a bottle of wine. Supposing the wine to be common property, our unsophisticated country friend helped himself to it with the gentleman's glass. "That's cool!" exclaimed the owner of the wine, indignantly. "Yes," replied the other; "I should think there was ice in it."

CDII.—NOT TO BE TRIFLED WITH.

During a recent representation of King Lear at one of our metropolitan theatres, an old gentleman from the country, who was visibly affected by the pathos of some of the scenes, electrified the house by roaring out, "Mr. Manager! Sir! Alter the play! I didn't pay my money to be made wretched in this way. Give us something funny, or I'll summons you, sir!"

CDIII.—AS YOU LIKE IT.

An old sea captain used to say he didn't care how he dressed when abroad, "because nobody knew him." And he didn't care how he dressed when at home, "because everybody knew him."

CDIV.—AN UPRIGHT MAN.

Erskine was once retained for a Mr. Bolt, whose character was impugned by Mr. Mingay, the counsel on the other side. "Gentlemen," said Erskine, in reply, "the plaintiff's counsel has taken unwarrantable liberties with my client's good name, representing him as litigious and unjust. So far, however, from this being his character, he goes by the name of Bolt upright."

CDV.—THE DUKE OF WELLINGTON AND THE AURIST.

On one occasion the Duke's deafness was alluded to by Lady A——, who asked if she was sitting on his right side, and if he had benefited by the operations which she heard had been performed, and had been so painful to him. He said, in reply, that the gentleman had been bold enough to ask him for a certificate, but that he had really been of no service to him, and that he could only answer him by saying, "I tell you what, I won't say a word about it."

CDVI.—TRUTH NOT ALWAYS TO BE SPOKEN.

If a man were to set out calling everything by its right name, he would be knocked down before he got to the corner of the street.

CDVII.—ADVERTISEMENT EXTRAORDINARY.

(To those in want of employment.)

CDVIII.—A "DOUBLE TIMES."

A huge, double-sheeted copy of the Times newspaper was put into the hands of a member of the Union Club by one of the waiters. "Oh, what a bore all this is," said the member, surveying the gigantic journal. "Ah," answered another member, who overheard him, "it is all very well for you who are occupied all day with business bore; but to a man living in the country,—it is equal to a day's fishing."

CDIX.—PARTNERSHIP DISSOLVED.

Dr. Parr had a high opinion of his own skill at whist, and could not even patiently tolerate the want of it in his partner. Being engaged with a party in which he was unequally matched, he was asked by a lady how the fortune of the game turned, when he replied, "Pretty well, madam, considering that I have three adversaries."

CDX.—EPIGRAM.

(On the depth of Lord —— arguments.)

CDXI.—A SEASONABLE JOKE.

Theodore Hook, being in company, where he said something humorous in rhyme to every person present, on Mr. Winter, the late Solicitor of Taxes, being announced, made the following impromptu:—

CDXII.—EPIGRAM.

(On the immortality of ——'s speeches.)

CDXIII.—A CONSIDERATE SON.

A witch, being at the stake to be burnt, saw her son there, and desired him to give her some drink. "No, mother," said he, "it would do you wrong, for the drier you are, the better you will burn."

CDXIV.—DANGEROUSLY WELL.

Lord Byron, in reference to a lady he thought ill of, writes, "Lady —— has been dangerously ill; but it may console you to learn that she is dangerously well again."

CDXV.—EPIGRAM.

(On Lord E—nb——h's pericranium.)

CDXVI.—A NEW SCHOLAR.

A Californian gold digger having become rich, desired a friend to procure for him a library of books. The friend obeyed, and received a letter of thanks thus worded: "I am obliged to you for the pains of your selection. I particularly admire a grand religious poem about Paradise, by a Mr. Milton, and a set of plays (quite delightful) by a Mr. Shakespeare. If these gentlemen should write and publish anything more, be sure and send me their new works."

CDXVII.—PUTTING A STOP TO PILGRIM'S PROGRESS.

Jemmy Gordon, meeting the prosecutor of a felon, named Pilgrim, who was convicted and sentenced to be transported at the Cambridge assizes, exclaimed, "You have done, sir, what the Pope of Rome could never do; you have put a stop to Pilgrim's Progress!"

CDXVIII.—EPIGRAM.

CDXIX.—A SUDDEN CHANGE.

One drinking some beer at a petty ale-house in the country, which was very strong of the hops and hardly any taste of the malt, was asked by the landlord, if it was not well hopped. "Yes," answered he, "if it had hopped a little farther, it would have hopped into the water."

CDXX.—VALUABLE DISCOVERY.

A recent philosopher discovered a method to avoid being dunned! "How—how—how?" we hear everybody asking. He never run in debt.

CDXXI.—A USEFUL ALLY.

"Cracked China mended!" Zounds, man, off this minute! There's work for you, or else the deuce is in it!

CDXXII.—TWO SIDES TO A SPEECH.

Charles Lamb sitting next some chattering woman at dinner, observing he didn't attend to her, "You don't seem," said the lady, "to be at all the better for what I am saying to you!"—"No, ma'am," he answered, "but this gentleman on the other side of me must, for it all came in at one ear and went out at the other!"

CDXXIII.—WILKIE'S SIMPLICITY.

On the birth of a friend's son (now a well-known novelist), Sir David Wilkie was requested to become one of the sponsors for his child. Sir David, whose studies of human nature extended to everything but infant human nature, had evidently been refreshing his boyish recollections of puppies and kittens; for, after looking intently into the child's eyes, as it was held up for his inspection, he exclaimed to the father, with serious astonishment and satisfaction, "He sees!"

CDXXIV.—RINGING THE CHANGES.

CDXXV.—KNOWING HIS MAN.

A man was brought before Lord Mansfield, charged with stealing a silver ladle, and the counsel for the crown was rather severe upon the prisoner for being an attorney. "Come, come," said his lordship, "don't exaggerate matters; if the fellow had been an attorney, he would have stolen the bowl as well as the ladle."

CDXXVI.—A SMALL GLASS.

The manager of a Scotch theatre, at which F.G. Cooke was playing Macbeth, seeing him greatly exhausted towards the close of the performance, offered him some whiskey in a very small thistle-glass, saying at the same time, by way of encouragement, "Take that, Mr. Cooke; take that, sir; it is the real mountain dew; that will never hurt you, sir!"—"Not if it was vitriol!" was the rejoinder.

CDXXVII.—DOMESTIC ECONOMY.

The following bill of fare (which consists of a dish of fish, a joint of meat, a couple of fowls, vegetables, and a pudding, being in all seven dishes for sevenpence!) had its rise in an invitation which a young lady of forty-seven sent to her lover to dine with her on Christmas Day. To unite taste and economy is no easy thing; but to show her lover she had learned that difficult art, she gave him the following dinner:—

£s.d.

At top, fish, two herrings001

Middle, one ounce and a half of butter, melted000-3/4

Bottom, a mutton chop, divided002

On one side, one pound of small potatoes000-1/2

On the other side, pickled cabbage000-1/2

First remove, two larks, plenty of crumbs001-1/2

Mutton removed, French-roll boiled for a pudding000-1/2

Parsley for garnish000-1/4

——————

£007

——————

—Seven dishes for sevenpence!

CDXXVIII.—AN EMPTY HEAD.

Of a light, frivolous, flighty girl, whom Jerrold met frequently, he said, "That girl has no more head than a periwinkle."

CDXXIX.—A BAD LABEL.

Tom bought a gallon of gin to take home; and, by way of a label, wrote his name upon a card, which happened to be the seven of clubs, and tied it to the handle. A friend coming along, and observing the jug, quietly remarked: "That's an awful careless way to leave that liquor!"—"Why?" said Tom. "Because somebody might come along with the eight of clubs and take it!"

CDXXX.—"AYE! THERE'S THE RUB."

A gentleman, playing at piquet, was much teased by a looker-on who was short-sighted, and, having a very long nose, greatly incommoded the player. To get rid of the annoyance, the player took out his handkerchief, and applied it to the nose of his officious neighbor. "Ah! sir," said he, "I beg your pardon, but I really took it for my own."

CDXXXI.—MORAL EQUALITY OF MAN.

All honest men, whether counts or cobblers, are of the same rank, if classed by moral distinctions.

CDXXXII.—A SILK GOWN.

Grattan said of Hussey Burgh, who had been a great Liberal, but, on getting his silk gown, became a Ministerialist, that all men knew silk to be a non-conducting body, and that since the honorable member had been enveloped in silk, no spark of patriotism had reached his heart.

CDXXXIII.—EPIGRAM BY A PLUCKED MAN.

Every Cantab, it is presumed, knows where Shelford Fen is, and that it is famous for rearing geese. A luckless wight, who had the misfortune to be plucked at his examination for the degree of B.A., when the Rev. T. Shelford was his examiner, made the following extemporaneous epigram:—

CDXXXIV.—THE MEASURE OF A BRAIN.

One afternoon, when Jerrold was in his garden at Putney, enjoying a glass of claret, a friend called upon him. The conversation ran on a certain dull fellow, whose wealth made him prominent at that time.

"Yes," said Jerrold, drawing his finger round the edge of his wineglass, "that's the range of his intellect, only it had never anything half so good in it."

CDXXXV.—FOOTE AND LORD TOWNSEND.

Foote, dining one day with Lord Townsend, after his duel with Lord Bellamont, the wine being bad, and the dinner ill-dressed, made Foote observe, that he could not discover what reason could compel his lordship to fight, when he might have effected his purpose with much more ease to himself. "How?" asked his lordship. "How?" replied the wit, "why you should have given him a dinner like this, and poisoned him."

CDXXXVI.—UNREASONABLE.

"Tom," said a colonel to one of his men, "how can so good and brave a soldier as you get drunk so often?"—"Colonel," replied he, "how can you expect all the virtues that adorn the human character for sixpence a-day?"

CDXXXVII.—AN HONEST WARRANTY.

A gentleman once bought a horse of a country-dealer. The bargain concluded, and the money paid, the gentleman said, "Now, my friend, I have bought your horse, what are his faults?"—"I know of no faults that he has, except two," replied the man; "and one is, that he is hard to catch."—"Oh! never mind that," said the buyer, "I will contrive to catch him at any time, I will engage; but what is the other?"—"Ah, sir! that is the worst," answered the fellow; "he is good for nothing when you have caught him."

CDXXXVIII.—THE REASON WHY.

A man said the only reason why his dwelling was not blown away in a late storm was, because there was a heavy mortgage on it.

CDXXXIX.—BLOTTING IT OUT.

Mathews's attendant, in his last illness, intending to give him his medicine, gave in mistake some ink from a phial on a shelf. On discovering the error, his friend exclaimed, "Good heavens! Mathews, I have given you ink."—"Never—never mind, my boy—never mind," said Mathews, faintly, "I'll swallow a bit—of blotting-paper."

CDXL.—CLERICAL WIT.

An old gentleman of eighty-four having taken to the altar a young damsel of about sixteen, the clergyman said to him, "The font is at the other end of the church."—"What do I want with the font?" said the old gentleman. "Oh! I beg your pardon," said the clerical wit, "I thought you had brought this child to be christened."

CDXLI.—A NICE DISTINCTION.

Ned Shuter thus explained his reasons for preferring to wear stockings with holes to having them darned:—"A hole," said he, "may be the accident of a day, and will pass upon the best gentleman, but a darn is premeditated poverty."

CDXLII.—WIT AND QUACKERY.

A celebrated quack, while holding forth on a stage of Chelmsford, in order to promote the sale of his medicine, told the people that he came there for their good, and not for want. And then addressing his Merry Andrew, "Andrew," said he, "do we come here for want?"—"No faith, sir," replied Andrew, "we have enough of that at home."

CDXLIII.—WIT DEFINED.

Dryden's description of wit is excellent. He says:—

CDXLIV.—A VAIN SEARCH.

Sir Francis Blake Delaval's death had such an effect on Foote that he burst into tears, retired to his room, and saw no company for two days; the third day, Jewel, his treasurer, calling in upon him, he asked him, with swollen eyes, what time would the burial be? "Not till next week, sir," replied the other, "as I hear the surgeons are first to dissect his head." This last word restored Foote's fancy, and, repeating it with some surprise, he asked, "And what will they get there? I am sure I have known poor Frank these five-and-twenty years, and I never could find anything in it."

CDXLV.—A BAD CUSTOMER.

"We don't sell spirits," said a law-evading beer-seller; "we will give you a glass; and then, if you want a biscuit, we'll sell it to you for three ha'pence." The "good creature" was handed down, a stiff glass swallowed, and the landlord handed his customer a biscuit. "Well, no, I think not," said the customer; "you sell 'em too dear. I can get lots of 'em five or six for a penny anywhere else."

CDXLVI.—A REFLECTION.

An overbearing barrister, endeavoring to brow-beat a witness, told him he could plainly see a rogue in his face. "I never knew till now," said the witness, "that my face was a looking-glass."

CDXLVII.—FOOTE.

An artist named Forfeit, having some job to do for Foote, got into a foolish scrape about the antiquity of family with another artist, who gave him such a drubbing as confined him to his bed for a considerable time. "Forfeit! Forfeit!" said Foote, "why, surely you have the best of the argument; your family is not only several thousand years old, but at the same time the most numerous of any on the face of the globe, on the authority of Shakespeare:—

CDXLVIII.—INQUEST EXTRAORDINARY.

CDXLIX.—A BASE ONE.

A friend was one day reading to Jerrold an account of a case in which a person named Ure was reproached with having suddenly jilted a young lady to whom he was engaged. "Ure seems to have turned out to be a base 'un," said Jerrold.

CDL.—PROFITABLE JUGGLING.

A professor of legerdemain entertained an audience in a village, which was principally composed of colliers. After "astonishing the natives" with various tricks, he asked the loan of a halfpenny. A collier, with a little hesitation, handed out the coin, which the juggler speedily exhibited, as he said, transformed into a sovereign. "An' is that my bawbee?" exclaimed the collier. "Undoubtedly," answered the juggler. "Let's see 't," said the collier; and turning it round and round with an ecstasy of delight, thanked the juggler for his kindness, and putting it into his pocket, said, "I'se war'nt ye'll no turn't into a bawbee again."

CDLI.—PICKPOCKETING.

The Baron de Béranger relates, that, having secured a pickpocket in the very act of irregular abstraction, he took the liberty of inquiring whether there was anything in his face that had procured him the honor of being singled out for such an attempt. "Why, sir," said the fellow, "your face is well enough, but you had on thin shoes and white stockings in dirty weather, and so I made sure you were a flat."

CDLII.—DUNNING AND LORD THURLOW.

When it was the custom for barristers to leave chambers early, and to finish their evenings at the coffee-houses in the neighborhood of the inns of court, Lord Thurlow on some occasion wanted to see Dunning privately. He went to the coffee-house frequented by him, and asked a waiter if Mr. Dunning was there. The waiter, who was new in his place, said he did not know him. "Not know him!" exclaimed Thurlow, with his usual oaths; "go into the room up stairs, and if you see any gentleman like the knave of clubs, tell him he is particularly wanted." The waiter went up, and forthwith reappeared followed by Dunning.

CDLIII.—AFFECTATION.

CDLIV.—WARM FRIENDSHIPS.

Some people were talking with Jerrold about a gentleman as celebrated for the intensity as for the shortness of his friendships.

"Yes," said Jerrold, "his friendships are so warm that he no sooner takes them up than he puts them down again."

CDLV.—THEATRICAL MISTAKES.

A laughable blunder was made by Mrs. Gibbs, at Covent Garden Theatre, in the season of 1823, in the part of Miss Stirling, in "The Clandestine Marriage." When speaking of the conduct of Betty, who had locked the door of Miss Fanny's room, and walked away with the key, Mrs. G. said, "She had locked the key, and carried away the door in her pocket." Mrs. Davenport, as Mrs. Heidelberg, had previously excited a hearty laugh, by substituting for the original dialogue, "I protest there's a candle coming along the gallery with a man in his hand;" but the mistake by Mrs. Gibbs seemed to be so unintentional, so unpremeditated, that the effect was irresistible; and the audience, celebrated the joke with three rounds of applause.

CDLVI.—A BROKEN HEAD.

"I am the only man in Europe, sir," said the Colonel, "that ever had a broken head,—to live after it. I was hunting near my place in Yorkshire; my horse threw me, and I was pitched, head-foremost, upon a scythe which had been left upon the ground. When I was taken up my head was found to be literally cut in two, and was spread over my shoulders like a pair of epaulettes. That was a broken head, if you please, sir."

CDLVII.—CALEDONIAN COMFORT.

Two pedestrian travellers, natives of the North, had taken up their quarters for the night at a Highland hotel in Breadalbane: one of them next morning complained to his friend that he had a very indifferent bed, and asked him how he had slept. "Troth, man," replied Donald, "nea vera well, either; but I was muckle better aff than the bugs, for de'il ane of them closed an e'e the hale night!"

CDLVIII.—AN ODD FAMILY.

Blayney said, in reference to several persons, all relations to each other, but who happened to have no descendants, that "it seemed to be hereditary in their family to have no children."

CDLIX.—A LAWYER'S OPINION OF LAW.

Counsellor M——t, after he retired from practice, being one day in company where the uncertainty of the law became the topic of conversation, was applied to for his opinion, upon which he laconically observed, "If any man were to claim the coat upon my back, and threaten my refusal with a lawsuit, he should certainly have it, lest in defending my coat I should too late find that I was deprived of my waistcoat also."

CDLX.—BEN JONSON.

When the Archbishop of York sent him from his table an excellent dish of fish, but without drink, said:—

CDLXI.—UNREMITTING KINDNESS.

"Call that a kind man," said an actor, speaking of an absent acquaintance; "a man who is away from his family, and never sends them a farthing! Call that kindness?"

"Yes, unremitting kindness," Jerrold replied.

CDLXII.—KEAN'S IMPROMPTU.

At Birmingham, one of Kean's "benefits" was a total failure. In the last scene of the play ("A New Way to pay Old Debts"), wherein allusion is made to the marriage of a lady, "Take her, sir," Kean suddenly added, "and the Birmingham audience into the bargain."

CDLXIII.—A TRUTH FOR THE LADIES.

A learned doctor has given his opinion that tight lacing is a public benefit, inasmuch as it kills off all the foolish girls, and leaves the wise only to grow into women.

CDLXIV.—A MARK OF RESPECT.

Congreve was disputing a point of fact with a man of a very positive disposition, but one who was not overburdened with sense. The latter said to him, "If the fact is not as I have stated, I'll give you my head."—"I accept it," said Congreve; "for trifles show respect."

CDLXV.—A GRETNA CUSTOMER.

A runaway couple were married at Gretna Green. The smith demanded five guineas for his services. "How is this?" said the bridegroom, "the gentleman you last married assured me that he only gave you a guinea."—"True," said the smith, "but he was an Irishman. I have married him six times. He is a good customer, and you I may never see again."

CDLXVI.—LEAVING HIS VERDICT.

"I remember," says Lord Biden, "Mr. Justice Gould trying a case at York, and when he had proceeded for about two hours, he observed, 'Here are only eleven jurymen in the box, where is the twelfth?'—'Please you, my lord,' said one of the eleven, 'he has gone away about some other business—but he has left his verdict with me!'"

CDLXVII.—OVER-WISE.

In a lecture-room of St. John's College, Cambridge, a student one morning, construing the Medea of Euripides came to the following passage:—

To which he gave the proper sense,—

but pausing as if he doubted its correctness,—"You are quite right, sir," observed the lecturer; "go on."

CDLXVIII.—IMPROMPTU.

CDLXIX.—INDEPENDENCE.

Jemmy Gordon, the Cambridge eccentric, when he happened to be without shoes or stockings, one day came in contact with a person of very indifferent character. The gentleman, pitying his condition, told him, if he called at his house, he would give him a pair of shoes. "Excuse me, sir," replied Jemmy, assuming a contemptuous air, "I would not stand in your shoes for all the world!"

CDLXX.—ON PRIDE.

CDLXXI.—BLACK LETTER.

An old friend of Charles Lamb having been in vain trying to make out a black-letter text of Chaucer in the Temple Library, laid down the precious volume, and with an erudite look told Lamb that "in those old books, Charley, there is sometimes a deal of very indifferent spelling."

CDLXXII.—A HIATUS.

"Did you not on going down find a party in your kitchen?" asked an underbred barrister of a witness. "A tea-party, Mr. ——?" mildly interposed Judge Maule.

CDLXXIII.—A REASONABLE REQUEST.

An officer advising his general to capture a post, said: "It will only cost a few men."—"Will you make one of the few?" remarked the general.

CDLXXIV.—A STRIKING POINT.

When Mr. Gulley, the ex-pugilist, was elected Member for Pontefract, Gilbert A'Beckett said: "Should any opposition be manifested in the House of Commons towards Mr. Gulley, it is very probable the noes (nose) will have it."

CDLXXV.—VERY PRETTY.

One day, just as an English officer had arrived at Vienna, the empress knowing that he had seen a certain princess much celebrated for her beauty, asked him if it was really true that she was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. "I thought so yesterday," he replied.

CDLXXVI.—AN ODD BIRD.

A late Duke of Norfolk had a fancy for owls, of which he kept several. He called one, from the resemblance to the Chancellor, Lord Thurlow. The duke's solicitor was once in conversation with his grace, when, to his surprise, the owl-keeper came up and said, "Please you, my lord, Lord Thurlow's laid an egg."

CDLXXVII.—INQUESTS EXTRAORDINARY.

CDLXXVIII.—"I'VE DONE THE SAME THING OFTEN."

A Mr. John Smith, who is described, evidently not without reason, as a "fast" talker, gave the following description of the blowing up of a steamboat on the Mississippi: "I had landed at Helena for a minute to drop some letters into the post-office, when all of a sudden I heard a tremendous explosion, and, looking up, saw that the sky was for a minute darkened with arms, legs, and other small bits and scraps of my fellow-travellers. Amongst an uncommonly ugly medley, I spied the second clerk, about one hundred and fifty feet above my own level. I recognized him at once, for ten minutes before I had been sucking a sherry-cobbler with him out of the same rummer. Well, I watched him. He came down through the roof of a shoemaker's shop, and landed on the floor close by the shoemaker, who was at work. The clerk, being in a hurry, jumped up to go to the assistance of the other sufferers, when the 'man of wax' demanded five hundred dollars for the damage done to his roof. 'Too high,' replied the clerk; 'never paid more than two hundred and fifty dollars in my life, and I've done the same thing often.'"

CDLXXIX.—CONFIDENCE.

"Why," said a country clergyman to one of his flock, "do you always sleep in your pew when I am in the pulpit, while you are all attention to every stranger I invite?"—"Because, sir," was the reply, "when you preach I'm sure all's right, but I can't trust a stranger without keeping a good look-out."

CDLXXX.—THE CUT INFERNAL.

CDLXXXI.—FEELING HIS WAY.

"Uncle," said a young man (who thought that his guardian supplied him rather sparingly with pocket-money), "is the Queen's head still on the sovereign?"—"Of course it is, you stupid lad! Why do you ask that?"—"Because it is now such a length of time since I saw one."

CDLXXXII.—THE WILL.

CDLXXXIII.—INGENUOUSNESS.

Two young officers, after a mess-dinner, had very much ridiculed their general. He sent for them, and asked them if what was reported to him was true. "General," said one of them, "it is; and we should have said much more if our wine had not failed."

CDLXXXIV.—A NEW SPORT.

Quin thought angling a very barbarous diversion; and on being asked why, gave this reason: "Suppose some superior being should bait a hook with venison, and go a-Quinning, I should certainly bite; and what a sight should I be dangling in the air!"

CDLXXXV.—SYDNEY SMITH.

Sydney Smith was once dining in company with a French gentleman, who had been before dinner indulging in a number of free-thinking speculations, and had ended by avowing himself a materialist. "Very good soup, this," said Mr. Smith. "Oui, monsieur, c'est excellente," was the reply. "Pray, sir, do you believe in a cook?" inquired Mr. Smith.

CDLXXXVI.—EPIGRAM ON THE DUKE OF ——'S CONSISTENCY.

CDLXXXVII.—A FAIR PROPOSAL.

"Why don't you take off your hat?" said Lord F—— to a boy struggling with a calf. "So I wull, sir," replied the lad; "if your lordship will hold my calf, I'll pull off my hat."

CDLXXXVIII.—A DOUBTFUL CREED.

Judge Maule, in summing up a case of libel, and speaking of a defendant who had exhibited a spiteful piety, observed, "One of these defendants, Mr. Blank, is, it seems, a minister of religion—of what religion does not appear, but, to judge by his conduct, it cannot be any form of Christianity." Severe.

CDLXXXIX.—A SATISFACTORY TOTAL.

A Scotch Minister, after a hard day's labor, and while at a "denner tea," as he called it, kept incessantly praising the "haam," and stating that "Mrs. Dunlop at hame was as fond o' haam like that as he was," when the mistress kindly offered to send her the present of a ham. "It's unco kin' o' ye, unco kin', but I'll no pit ye to the trouble; I'll just tak' it hame on the horse afore me." When, on leaving, he mounted, and the ham was put into a sack, but some difficulty was experienced in getting it to lie properly. His inventive genius soon cut the Gordian-knot. "I think, mistress, a cheese in the ither en' wad mak' a gran' balance." The hint was immediately acted on, and, like another John Gilpin, he moved away with his "balance true."

CDXC.—GOOD RIDDANCE.

A certain well-known provincial bore having left a tavern-party, of which Burns was one, the bard immediately demanded a bumper, and, addressing himself to the chairman, said, "I give you the health, gentlemen all, of the waiter that called my Lord —— out of the room."

CDXCI.—CALCULATION.

CDXCII.—GEORGE II. AND THE RECORDER.

When that vacancy happened on the Exchequer Bench which was afterwards filled by Mr. Adams, the Ministry could not agree among themselves whom to appoint. It was debated in Council, the King, George II., being present; till, the dispute growing very warm, his Majesty put an end to the contest by calling out, in broken English, "I will have none of dese, give me the man wid de dying speech," meaning Mr. Adams, who was then Recorder of London, and whose business it therefore was to make the report to his Majesty of the convicts under sentence of death.

CDXCIII.—SLEEPING ROUND.

The celebrated Quin had this faculty. "What sort of a morning is it, John?"—"Very wet, sir."—"Any mullet in the market?"—"No, sir."—"Then, John, you may call me this time to-morrow." So saying, he composed himself to sleep, and got rid of the ennui of a dull day.

CDXCIV.—AT HIS FINGERS' ENDS.

"I suppose," said a quack, while feeling the pulse of his patient, "that you think me a humbug?"—"Sir," replied the sick man, "I perceive that you can discover a man's thoughts by your touch."

CDXCV.—NOT SO EASY.

A certain learned serjeant, who is apt to be testy in argument, was advised by the Court not to show temper, but to show cause.

CDXCVI.—A POINT.

Pope was one evening at Button's coffee-house, where he and a set of literati had got poring over a Latin manuscript, in which they had found a passage that none of them could comprehend. A young officer, who heard their conference, begged that he might be permitted to look at the passage. "Oh," says Pope, sarcastically, "by all means; pray let the young gentleman look at it." Upon which the officer took up the manuscript, and, considering it a while, said there only wanted a note of interrogation to make the whole intelligible: which was really the case. "And pray, master," says Pope, with a sneer, "what is a note of interrogation?"—"A note of interrogation," replied the young fellow, with a look of great contempt, "is a little crooked thing that asks questions."

CDXCVII.—THE REPUBLIC OF LEARNING.

One asked another why learning was always called a republic. "Forsooth," quoth the other, "because scholars are so poor that they have not a sovereign amongst them."

CDXCVIII.—CHALLENGING A JURY.

An Irish fire-eater, previous to a trial in which he was the defendant, was informed by his counsel, that if there were any of the jury to whom he objected, he might legally challenge them. "Faith, and so I will," replied he; "if they do not acquit me I will challenge every man of them."

CDXCIX.—WALPOLIANA.

When Mr. Naylor's father married his second wife, Naylor said, "Father, they say you are to be married to-day; are you?"—"Well," replied the Bishop, "and what is that to you?"—"Nay, nothing; only if you had told me, I would have powdered my hair."

A tutor at Cambridge had been examining some lads in Latin; but in a little while excused himself, and said he must speak English, for his mouth was very sore.

After going out of the Commons, and fighting a duel with Mr. Chetwynd, whom he wounded, "my uncle" (says Walpole) "returned to the House, and was so little moved as to speak immediately upon the cambric bill;" which made Swinny say, that "it was a sign he was not ruffled."

D.—MINDING HIS BUSINESS.

Murphy was asked how it was so difficult to waken him in the morning: "Indeed, master, it's because of taking your own advice, always to attind to what I'm about; so whenever I sleeps, I pays attintion to it."

DI.—PENCE TABLE.

A schoolboy going into the village without leave, his master called after him, "Where are you going, sir?"—"I am going to buy a ha'porth of nails."—"What do you want a ha'porth of nails for?"—"For a halfpenny," replied the urchin.

DII.—SATISFACTION.

Lord William Poulat was said to be the author of a pamphlet called "The Snake in the Grass." A gentleman abused in it sent him a challenge. Lord William protested his innocence, but the gentleman insisted upon a denial under his own hand. Lord William took a pen and began: "This is to scratify that the buk called 'The Snak'"—"Oh! my Lord," said the person, "I am satisfied; your Lordship has already convinced me you did not write the book."

DIII.—A SAFE APPEAL.

A physician once defended himself from raillery by saying, "I defy any person whom I ever attended, to accuse me of ignorance or neglect."—"That you may do safely," replied an auditor, "for you know, doctor, dead men tell no tales."

DIV.—A CAUTIOUS LOVER.

"When I courted her," said Spreadweasel, "I took lawyer's advice, and signed every letter to my love,—'Yours, without prejudice!'"—D.J.

DV.—THE SWORD AND THE SCABBARD.

A wag, on seeing his friend with something under his cloak, asked him what it was. "A poniard," answered he; but he observed that it was a bottle: taking it from him, and drinking the contents, he returned it, saying, "There, I give you the scabbard back again."

DVI.—TOUCHING.

When Lord Eldon resigned the Great Seal, a small barrister said, "To me his loss is irreparable. Lord Eldon always behaved to me like a father."—"Yes," remarked Brougham, "I understand he always treated you like a child."

DVII.—THE COLLEGE BELL!

At a party of college grandees, one of the big-wigs proposed that each gentleman should toast his favorite Belle. When it came to the turn of Dr. Barrett (who happened to be one of the quorum) to be called on for the name of the fair object of his admiration, he very facetiously gave, "The College Bell!" Vivat Collegium Sancti Petri!

DVIII.—FRENCH LANGUAGE.

When some one was expatiating on the merits of the French language to Mr. Canning, he exclaimed: "Why, what on earth, sir, can be expected of a language which has but one word for liking and loving, and puts a fine woman and a leg of mutton on a par:—J'aime Julie; J'aime un gigot!"

DIX.—EPIGRAM.

(On the alleged disinterestedness of a certain Prelate.)

DX.—CERTAINLY NOT ASLEEP.

A country schoolmaster had two pupils, to one of whom he was partial, and to the other severe. One morning it happened that these two boys were late, and were called up to account for it. "You must have heard the bell, boys; why did you not come?"—"Please, sir," said the favorite, "I was dreaming that I was going to Margate, and I thought the school-bell was the steamboat-bell."—"Very well," said the master, glad of any pretext to excuse his favorite. "And now, sir," turning to the other, "what have you to say?"—"Please, sir," said the puzzled boy, "I—I—was waiting to see Tom off!"

DXI.—ANTICIPATION.

Lord Avondale, Chief Baron of the Exchequer, was much given to anticipation. A lawyer once observed in his presence, "Coming through the market just now I saw a butcher, with his knife, going to kill a calf; at that moment a child ran across him, and he killed ——" "O, my goodness!—he killed the child!" exclaimed his lordship. "No, my lord, the calf; but you will always anticipate."

DXII.—THE BEST JUDGE.

A lady said to her husband, in Jerrold's presence:—

"My dear, you certainly want some new trousers."—"No, I think not," replied the husband.

"Well," Jerrold interposed, "I think the lady who always wears them ought to know."

DXIII.—THE RIVALS.

A good story of Gibbon is told in the last volume of Moore's Memoirs. The dramatis personæ were Lady Elizabeth Foster, Gibbon the historian, and an eminent French physician,—the historian and doctor being rivals in courting the lady's favor. Impatient at Gibbon's occupying so much of her attention by his conversation, the doctor said crossly to him, "Quand milady Elizabeth Foster sera malade de vos fadaises, je la guérirai." [When my Lady Elizabeth Foster is made ill by your twaddle, I will cure her.] On which Gibbon, drawing himself up grandly, and looking disdainfully at the physician, replied, "Quand milady Elizabeth Foster sera morte de vos recettes, je l'im-mor-taliserai." [When my Lady Elizabeth Foster is dead from your recipes I will immortalize her.]

DXIV.—DEAD LANGUAGE.

Among the many English who visited Paris in 1815 was Alderman Wood, who had previously filled the office of Lord Mayor of London. He ordered a hundred visiting cards, inscribing upon them. "Alderman Wood, feu Lord Maire de Londres," which he distributed amongst people of rank, having translated the word "late" into "feu," which we need hardly state means "dead."

DXV.—WALPOLIANA.

Sir John Germain was so ignorant, that he is said to have left a legacy to Sir Matthew Decker, as the author of St. Matthew's Gospel.

Churchill (General C——, a natural son of the Marlborough family) asked Pulteney the other day, "Well, Mr. Pulteney, will you break me, too?"—"No, Charles," replied he, "you break fast enough of yourself!" Don't you think it hurt him more than the other breaking would?

Walpole was plagued one morning with that oaf of unlicked antiquity, Prideaux, and his great boy. He talked through all Italy, and everything in all Italy. Upon mentioning Stosch, Walpole asked if he had seen his collection. He replied, very few of his things, for he did not like his company; that he never heard so much heathenish talk in his days. Walpole inquired what it was, and found that Stosch had one day said before him, that the soul was only a little glue.

DXVI.—A SLIGHT DIFFERENCE.

A clergyman, who had to preach before Archbishop Whately, begged to be let off, saying, "I hope your Grace will excuse my preaching next Sunday."—"Certainly," said the other indulgently. Sunday came, and the archbishop said to him, "Well! Mr. ——, what became of you? we expected you to preach to-day."—"Oh, your Grace said you would excuse my preaching to-day."—"Exactly; but I did not say I would excuse you from preaching."

DXVII.—EPIGRAM.

(On Mr. Croker's reputation for being a wag.)

DXVIII.—A NICE DISTINCTION.

"What is the difference," asked Archbishop Whately of a young clergyman he was examining, "between a form and a ceremony? The meaning seems nearly the same; yet there is a very nice distinction." Various answers were given. "Well," he said, "it lies in this: you sit upon a form, but you stand upon ceremony."

DXIX.—LATE DINNER.

Some one remarking that the dinner hour was always getting later and later, "Ay," quoth Rogers, "it will soon end in our not dining till to-morrow."

DXX.—AN OLD JOKE.

DXXI.—TIME WORKS WONDERS.

A gentleman dining at a hotel, whose servants were "few and far between," despatched a lad among them for a cut of beef. After a long time the lad returned, and was asked by the faint and hungry gentleman, "Are you the lad who took away my plate for this beef?"—"Yes, sir."—"Bless me," resumed the hungry wit, "how you have grown!"

DXXII.—A NOVEL IDEA.

"Morrow's Library" is the Mudie of Dublin; and the Rev. Mr. Day, a popular preacher. "How inconsistent," said Archbishop Whately, "is the piety of certain ladies here. They go to Day for a sermon and to Morrow for a novel!"

DXXIII.—THE SPIRIT AND THE LETTER.

A man was described in a plea as "I. Jones," and the pleader referred in another part of the plea to "I" as an "initial." The plaintiff said that the plea was bad, because "I" was not a name. Sir W. Maule said that there was no reason why a man might not be christened "I" as well as Isaac, inasmuch as either could be pronounced alone. The counsel for the plaintiff then objected that the plea admitted that "I" was not a name by describing it as "an initial."—"Yes," retorted the judge, "but it does not aver that it is not a final as well as an initial letter."

DXXIV.—LOSING AN I.

A man being interrogated on a trial, spoke several words with much impropriety; and at last saying the word curosity, a counsellor exclaimed, "How that fellow murders the English language!"—"Nay," returned another, "he has only knocked an I out."

DXXV.—DRIVING IT HOME.

The late James Fergusson, Clerk of Session, a most genial and amiable man, of whose periodical fits of absence most edifying stories are still repeated by his friends, was an excellent and eloquent speaker, but in truth, there was often more sound than matter in his orations. He had a habit of lending emphasis to his arguments by violently beating with his clenched hand the bar before which he pleaded. Once when stating a case to Lord Polkemmet, with great energy of action, his lordship interposed, and exclaimed, "Maister Jemmy, dinna dunt; ye think ye're duntin't into me, and ye're just duntin't out o' me."

DXXVI.—THE EMPTY GUN.

DXXVII.—A PIECE OF PLATE.

A young actor having played a part tolerably well, Elliston one evening called him into the green-room, and addressed him to this effect: "Young man, you have not only pleased the public, but you have pleased me; and, as a slight token of my regard and good wishes, I beg your acceptance of a small piece of plate." It was, beyond all question, a very small piece, for it was a silver toothpick!

DXXVIII.—EPISCOPAL SAUCE.

At a dinner-party Archbishop Whately called out suddenly to the host, "Mr. ——!" There was silence. "Mr. ——, what is the proper female companion of this John Dory?" After the usual number of guesses an answer came, "Anne Chovy."

DXXIX.—A GOOD CRITIC.

A friend of an artist was endeavoring to persuade him not to bestow so much time upon his works. "You do not know, then," said he, "that I have a master very difficult to please?"—"Who?"—"Myself."

DXXX.—WILKES'S TERGIVERSATION.

Wilkes, one day in his later life, went to Court, when George III. asked him, in a good-natured tone of banter, how his friend Serjeant Glynn was. Glynn had been one of his most furious partisans. Wilkes replied, with affected gravity, "Nay, sire, don't call Serjeant Glynn a friend of mine; the fellow was a Wilkite, which your Majesty knows I never was."

DXXXI.—A SLIGHT ERUPTION.

A person came almost breathless to Lord Thurlow, and exclaimed, "My lord, I bring tidings of calamity to the nation!"—"What has happened, man?" said the astonished Chancellor. "My lord, a rebellion has broken out."—"Where? where?"—"In the Isle of Man."—"In the Isle of Man," repeated the enraged Chancellor. "A tempest in a teapot!"

DXXXII.—SMOKING AN M.P.

An honorable member, speaking about the tax on tobacco, somewhat ludicrously called for certain returns.

DXXXIII.—A TIMELY REPROOF.

A young chaplain had preached a sermon of great length. "Sir," said Lord Mulgrave, bowing to him, "there were some things in your sermon of to-day I never heard before."—"O, my lord!" said the flattered chaplain, "it is a common text, and I could not have hoped to have said anything new on the subject."—"I heard the clock strike twice," said Lord Mulgrave.

DXXXIV.—REPROOF.

"I can't find bread for my family," said a lazy fellow in company. "Nor I," replied an industrious miller; "I am obliged to work for it."

DXXXV.—A SATISFACTORY REASON.

Mr. Alexander, the architect of several fine buildings in the county of Kent, was under cross-examination at Maidstone, by Serjeant (afterwards Baron) Garrow, who wished to detract from the weight of his testimony. "You are a builder, I believe?"—"No, sir: I am not a builder; I am an architect!"—"Ah, well! architect or builder, builder or architect, they are much the same, I suppose?"—"I beg your pardon, sir; I cannot admit that: I consider them to be totally different!"—"O, indeed! perhaps you will state wherein this great difference consists?"—"An architect, sir, prepares the plans, conceives the design, draws out the specifications,—in short, supplies the mind. The builder is merely the bricklayer or the carpenter: the builder, in fact, is the machine,—the architect the power that puts the machine together, and sets it going!"—"O, very well, Mr. Architect, that will do! And now, after your very ingenious distinction without a difference, perhaps you can inform the court who was the architect for the Tower of Babel!"—"There was no architect, sir, and hence the confusion!"

DXXXVI.—THE TANNER; AN EPIGRAM.

DXXXVII.—AN ABSENT MAN.

A conceited young man asked Foote what apology he should make for not being one of a party the day before, to which he had been invited. "O, my dear sir," replied the wit, "say nothing about it, you were not missed."

DXXXVIII.—A DOUBLE KNOCK.

On Dr. K——'s promotion to the bishopric of Down, an appointment in some quarters unpopular, Archbishop Whately observed, "The Irish government will not be able to stand many more such Knocks Down as this!"

DXXXIX.—A PROPER RETORT.

A certain dramatic translator, introducing a well-known comedian to Madame Vestris, said: "Madame, this is Mr. B——, who is not such a fool as he looks."—"True, madame," said the comedian; "and that is the great difference between me and my friend."

DXL.—FORAGING.

During the interregnum after the death of King Charles I., the soldiers were accustomed to visit the theatres and rob the audience, so that it was said to be part of the stage directions,—"Enter the Red Coat: Exeunt Hat and Cloak."

DXLI.—ON JEKYLL NEARLY BEING THROWN DOWN BY A VERY SMALL PIG.

DXLII.—UNKIND.

"Pray, sir," said Lady Wallace to David Hume, "I am often asked what age I am; what answer should I make?" Mr. Hume, immediately guessing her ladyship's meaning, said, "Madam, when you are asked that question again, answer that you are not yet come to the years of discretion."

DXLIII.—DEAN SWIFT AND KING WILLIAM.

The motto which was inserted under the arms of William, Prince of Orange, on his accession to the English crown, was, Non rapui sed recepi ["I did not steal it, but I received it"]. This being shown to Dean Swift, he said, with a sarcastic smile, "The receiver is as bad as the thief."

DXLIV.—EPIGRAM.

(On ——'s declaring his detestation of all meanness).

DXLV.—ELOQUENT SILENCE.

"You have already read that section four times, Mr. ——," said Maule to a prosing counsel. "It's iteration! It's ——, I use no epithet, it is iteration;" his look implying the anathema.

DXLVI.—KEEPING A PROMISE.

DXLVII.—NAVAL ORATORY.

When Admiral Cornwallis commanded the Canada, a mutiny broke out in the ship, on account of some accidental delay in paying the crew. The men signed a round robin, wherein they declared that they would not fire a gun till they were paid. Captain Cornwallis, on receiving this declaration, caused all hands to be called on deck, and thus addressed them: "My lads, the money cannot be paid till we return to port, and as to your not fighting, that is mere nonsense:—I'll clap you alongside the first large ship of the enemy I see, and I know that the Devil himself will not be able to keep you from it." The men all returned to their duty, better satisfied than if they had been paid the money ten times over.

DXLVIII.—VERSE AND WORSE.

Among a company of cheerful Irishmen, in the neighborhood of St. Giles, it was proposed by the host to make a gift of a couple of fowls to him that, off-hand, should write six lines in poetry of his own composing. Several of the merry crew attempted unsuccessfully to gain the prize. At length the wittiest among them thus ended the contest:—

DXLIX.—THE IRON DUKE.

It is said the Duke of Wellington bought a book of the "Hunchback" at Covent Garden Theatre, for which he gave a pound in gold, refusing to receive the difference. His Grace seemed very ready to sacrifice a sovereign, which he probably would have done had he at the time refused to take no change. The Reform Bill was under consideration.

DL.—CLEAR THE COURT.

An Irish crier at Ballinasloe being ordered to clear the court, did so by this announcement: "Now, then, all ye blackguards that isn't lawyers, must lave the coort."

DLI—SCOTCH CAUTION.

An old shoemaker in Glasgow was sitting by the bedside of his wife, who was dying. She took him by the hand. "Weel, John, we're gawin to part. I hae been a gude wife to you, John."—"O, just middling, just middling, Jenny," said John, not disposed to commit himself. "John," says she, "ye maun promise to bury me in the auld kirk-yard at Stra'von beside my mither. I couldna rest in peace among unco folk, in the dirt and smoke o' Glasgow."—"Weel, weel, Jenny, my woman," said John soothingly, "we'll just pit you in the Gorbals first, and gin ye dinna lie quiet, we'll try you sine in Stra'von."

DLII.—WALPOLIANA.

Sir Charles Wager always said, "that if a sea-fight lasted three days, he was sure the English suffered the most for the two first, for no other nation would stand beating for two days together."

Yesterday we had another hearing of the petition of the merchants, when Sir Robert Godschall (then Lord Mayor) shone brighter than even his usual. There was a copy of a letter produced, the original being lost; he asked whether the copy had been taken before the original was lost, or after!

This gold-chain came into parliament, cried up for his parts, but proves so dull, one would think he chewed opium. Earl says, "I have heard an oyster speak as well twenty times."

DLIII.—NOT POLITE.

Mr. P——, a candidate for Berkshire, was said to have admitted his want of head, by demanding a poll.

DLIV.—EXTENUATING CIRCUMSTANCES.

A case of some great offence was tried before Lord Hermand (who was a great toper), and the counsel pleaded extenuation for his client in that he was drunk when he committed the offence. "Drunk!" exclaimed Lord Hermand, in great indignation; "if he could do such a thing when he was drunk, what might he not have done when he was sober?" evidently implying that the normal condition of human nature and its most hopeful one, was a condition of intoxication.

DLV.—ON MR. HUSBAND'S MARRIAGE.

DLVI.—CONFIDENCE.

The first time Jerrold saw a celebrated song-writer, the latter said to him:—

"Youngster, have you sufficient confidence in me to lend me a guinea?"

Jerrold.—"O yes; I've all the confidence, but I have n't the guinea."

DLVII.—LADY ANNE.

At Portsmouth, during the representation of Richard the Third, on Richard exclaiming, "O, take more pity in thine eyes, and see him here," Miss White, who was in Lady Anne, indignantly exclaimed, "Would they were battle-axes (basilisks) to strike thee dead."

DLVIII.—NICE LANGUAGE.

A man being tried for sheep-stealing, evidence was given that he had been seen washing tripe. The counsel for the Crown, in examining the witness, observed with ill-timed indelicacy, "He was washing bowels?"—"Yes, sir."—"The bowels of an animal, I suppose?"—"Yes, sir." The counsel sits down. Justice Maule: "Pray, was it a wren's stomach?"

DLIX.—UNPOETICAL REPLY.

A hardy seaman, who had escaped one of the recent shipwrecks upon our coast, was asked by a good lady how he felt when the waves broke over him. He replied, "Wet, ma'am,—very wet."

DLX.—IMITATION OF A COW.

Mr. James Boswell, the friend and biographer of Dr. Johnson, when a youth, went to the pit of Covent Garden Theatre in company with Dr. Blair, and, in a frolic, imitated the lowing of a cow; and the universal cry in the galleries was, "Encore the cow! Encore the cow!" This was complied with, and, in the pride of success, Mr. Boswell attempted to imitate some other animals, but with less success. Dr. Blair, anxious for the fame of his friend, addressed him thus: "My dear sir, I would confine myself to the cow."

DLXI.—TAKING HIS MEASURE.

A conceited packman called at a farm-house in the west of Scotland, in order to dispose of some of his wares. The goodwife was startled by his southern accent, and his high talk about York, London, and other big places. "An' whaur come ye frae yersel?" was the question of the gude wife. "Ou! I am from the Border!"—"The Border. Oh! I thocht that; for we aye think the selvidge is the wakest bit o' the wab!"

DLXII.—THURLOW AND PITT.

When the Lord Chancellor Thurlow was supposed to be on no very friendly terms with the Minister (Mr. Pitt), a friend asked the latter how Thurlow drew with them. "I don't know," said the Premier, "how he draws, but he has not refused his oats yet."

DLXIII.—EPIGRAM.

(On Lord ——'s delivering his speeches in a sitting position, owing to excessive gout.)

DLXIV.—A HAPPY MAN.

Lord M—— had a very exalted opinion of his own cleverness, and once made the following pointed remark: "When I happen to say a foolish thing, I always burst out a laughing!"—"I envy you your happiness, my lord, then," said Charles Townshend, "for you must certainly live the merriest life of any man in Europe."

DLXV.—VULGAR ARGUMENTS.

At a club, of which Jerrold was a member, a fierce Jacobite, and a friend, as fierce, of the cause of William the Third, were arguing noisily, and disturbing less excitable conversationalists. At length the Jacobite, a brawny Scot, brought his fist down heavily upon the table, and roared at his adversary:—

"I tell you what it is, sir, I spit upon your King William!"

The friend of the Prince of Orange was not to be out-mastered by mere lungs. He rose, and roared back to the Jacobite:—

"And I, sir, spit upon your James the Second!"

Jerrold, who had been listening to the uproar in silence, hereupon rung the bell, and shouted:—

"Waiter, spittoons for two!"

DLXVI.—A CLEAR CASE.

Mr. Justice Maule would occasionally tax the powers of country juries. Ex. gr. "Gentlemen," said the judge, "the learned counsel is perfectly right in his law, there is some evidence upon that point; but he's a lawyer, and you're not, and you don't know what he means by some evidence, so I'll tell you. Suppose there was an action on a bill of exchange, and six people swore they saw the defendant accept it, and six others swore they heard him say he should have to pay it, and six others knew him intimately, and swore to his handwriting; and suppose on the other side they called a poor old man who had been at school with the defendant forty years before and had not seen him since, and he said he rather thought the acceptance was not his writing, why there'd be some evidence that it was not, and that's what Mr. —— means in this case." Need we add that the jury retired to consider their verdict?

DLXVII.—THE LATIN FOR COLD.

A schoolmaster asked one of his scholars in the winter time, what was the Latin for cold. "O sir," answered the lad, "I forget at this moment, although I have it at my fingers' ends."

DLXVIII.—PIECE DE RESISTANCE.

"Do come and dine with me," said John to Pat: "you must; though I have only a nice piece of beef and some potatoes for you."—"O my dear fellow! don't make the laist apology about the dinner, it's the very same I should have had at home, barrin' the beef."

DLXIX.—LAMB AND ERSKINE.

Counsellor Lamb, an old man when Lord Erskine was in the height of his reputation, was of timid and nervous disposition, usually prefacing his pleadings with an apology to that effect; and on one occasion, when opposed, in some cause, to Erskine, he happened to remark that "he felt himself growing more and more timid as he grew older."—"No wonder," replied the relentless barrister; "every one knows the older a lamb grows, the more sheepish he becomes."

DLXX.—TRUE WIT.

DLXXI.—ORDER! ORDER!

A barrister opened a case somewhat confusedly. Mr. Justice Maule interrupted him. "I wish, Mr. ——, you would put your facts in some order; chronological order is the best, but I am not particular. Any order you like—alphabetical order."

DLXXII.—THEATRICAL WIT.

Hatton, who was a considerable favorite at the Haymarket Theatre, and particularly in the part of Jack Junk, was one night at Gosport, performing the character of Barbarossa. In the scene where the tyrant makes love to Zapphira, and reminds her of his services against the enemies of her kingdom, he was at a loss, and could not catch the word from the prompter, when, seeing the house crowded with sailors, and regardless of the gross anachronism, he exclaimed, with all the energy of tragedy—

The jolly tars thought that it was all in his part, and cheered the actor with three rounds of applause.

DLXXIII.—THE CUT DIRECT.

A gentleman having his hair cut, was asked by the garrulous operator "how he would have it done?"—"If possible," replied the gentleman, "in silence."

DLXXIV.—BUSY BODIES.

A master of a ship called out, "Who is below?" A boy answered, "Will, sir."—"What are you doing?"—"Nothing, sir."—"Is Tom there?"—"Yes," said Tom. "What are you doing?"—"Helping Will, sir."

DLXXV.—THE HOPEFUL PUPIL.

When the comedy of "She Stoops to Conquer" was in rehearsal, Goldsmith took great pains to give the performers his ideas of their several parts. On the first representation he was not a little displeased to hear the representative of Young Marlow play it as an Irishman. As soon as Marlow came off the stage, Goldsmith asked him the meaning of this, as it was by no means intended as an Irish character. "Sir," replied the comedian, "I spoke it as nearly as I could to the manner in which you instructed me, except that I did not give it quite so strong a brogue."

DLXXVI.—THE FORCE OF HABIT.

A toping bookseller presented a check at the banking-house of Sir W. Curtis and Co., and upon the cashier putting the usual question, "How will you have it?" replied, "Cold, without sugar."

DLXXVII.—NOTICE TO QUIT.

An Ayrshire gentleman, when out on the 1st of September, having failed time after time in bringing down a single bird, had at last pointed out to him by his attendant bag-carrier, a large covey, thick and close on the stubbles. "Noo! Mr. Jeems, let drive at them, just as they are!"

Mr. Jeems did let drive, as advised, but all flew off, safe and sound. "Hech, sir (remarks his friend), but ye've made thae yins shift their quarters."

DLXXVIII.—A LITERAL JOKE.

Lord Eldon always pronounced the word lien as though it were lyon; and Sir Arthur Pigot pronounced the same word lean. On this Jekyll wrote the following epigram:—

DLXXIX.—AN ARGUMENT.

DLXXX.—THE CANDLE AND LANTERN.

During the period Sir Busick Harwood was Professor of Anatomy in the University of Cambridge, he was called in, in a case of some difficulty, by the friends of a patient, who were anxious for his opinion of the malady. Being told the name of the medical man who had previously prescribed, Sir Busick exclaimed, "He! if he were to descend into the patient's stomach with a candle and lantern, when he ascended he would not be able to name the complaint."

DLXXXI.—ONE HEAD BETTER THAN A DOZEN.

King Henry VIII., designing to send an embassy to Francis I. at a very dangerous juncture, the nobleman selected begged to be excused, saying, "Such a threatening message to so hot a prince as Francis I. might go near to cost him his life."—"Fear not," said old Harry, "if the French king should take away your life, I will take off the heads of a dozen Frenchmen now in my power."—"But of all these heads," replied the nobleman, "there may not be one to fit my shoulders."

DLXXXII.—KEEPING A CONSCIENCE.

The great controversy on the propriety of requiring a subscription to articles of faith, as practised by the Church of England, excited at this time (1772) a very strong sensation amongst the members of the two universities. Paley, when pressed to sign the clerical petition which was presented to the House of Commons for relief, excused himself, saying, "He could not afford to keep a conscience."

DLXXXIII.—DEBTOR AND CREDITOR.

A tradesman having dunned a customer for a long time, the debtor at last desired his servant one morning to admit him. "My friend," said he to him, "I think you are a very honest fellow, and I have a great regard for you; therefore, I take this opportunity to tell you, that as I shall never pay you a farthing, you had better go home, mind your business, and don't lose your time by calling here. As for the others, they are a set of vagabonds, for whom I have no affection, and they may waste their time as they please."

DLXXXIV.—PORTMANTEAU v. TRUNK.

Serjeant Whitaker, one of the most eminent lawyers of his day, was an eccentric. A friend, at one of the assize towns, offered him a bed, and the next morning asked him if he had found himself comfortable and warm. "Yes, madam," replied the serjeant; "yes, pretty well, on the whole. At first I felt a little queer for want of Mrs. Whitaker; but recollecting that my portmanteau was in the room, I threw it behind my back, and it did every bit as well."

DLXXXV.—SEEING A CORONATION.

A sad mistake was once made at court by the beautiful and celebrated Duchess of Hamilton. Shortly before the death of George II., and whilst he was greatly indisposed, Miss Gunning, upon becoming Duchess of Hamilton, was presented to his majesty. The king, who was particularly pleased with the natural elegance and artlessness of her manner, indulged in a long conversation with her grace. In the course of this tête-à-tête the duchess said, with great animation, "I have seen everything! There is only one thing in this world I wish to see, and I do long so much to see that!" The curiosity of the monarch was so greatly excited to know what this wonderful thing could be, that he eagerly asked her what it was. "A coronation," replied the thoughtless duchess; nor was she at all conscious of the mistake she had made, till the king took her hand with a sigh, and with a melancholy expression replied, "I apprehend you have not long to wait; you will soon have your wish." Her grace was overwhelmed with confusion.

DLXXXVI.—HOOK'S POLITENESS.

Hook was once observed, during dinner, nodding like a Chinese mandarin in a tea-shop. On being asked the reason, he replied, "Why when no one else asks me to take champagne, I take sherry with the épergne, and bow to the flowers."

DLXXXVII.—ON NAPOLEON'S STATUE AT Boulogne TURNED, BY DESIGN OR ACCIDENT, WITH ITS BACK TO ENGLAND.

DLXXXVIII.—OLD TIMES.

A gentleman in company with Foote, took up a newspaper, saying, "He wanted to see what the ministry were about." Foote, with a smile, replied, "Look among the robberies."

DLXXXIX.—AN ARCADIAN.

A lazy fellow lying down on the grass said, "O, how I do wish that this was called work, and well paid!"

DXC.—JOHNSON AND MRS. SIDDONS.

In spite of the ill-founded contempt Dr. Johnson professed to entertain for actors, he persuaded himself to treat Mrs. Siddons with great politeness, and said, when she called on him at Bolt Court, and Frank, his servant, could not immediately provide her with a chair, "You see, madam, wherever you go there are no seats to be got."

DXCI.—ROWING IN THE SAME BOAT.

"We row in the same boat, you know," said a literary friend to Jerrold. This literary friend was a comic writer, and a comic writer only. Jerrold replied, "True, my good fellow, we do row in the same boat, but with very different skulls."

DXCII.—A GENUINE IRISH BULL.

Sir Boyle Roche said, "Single misfortunes never come alone, and the greatest of all possible misfortunes is generally followed by a much greater."