THE STOCK EXCHANGE.
Reading edition
Have you ever seen Donnybrook fair? Or in a caveau spent the night? On Waterloo's plains did you dare To engage in the terrific fight? Has your penchant for life ever led You to visit the Finish or Slums, At the risk of your pockets and head? Or in Banco been fixed by the bums? In a smash at the hells have you been, When pigeons were pluck'd by the bone? Or enjoy'd the magnificent scene When our fourth George ascended his throne? Have you ever heard Tierney or Canning A Commons' division address? Or when to the gallery ganging, Been floor'd by a rush from the press? Has your taste for the fine arte impell'd You to visit a bull-bait or fight? Or by rattles and charleys propell'd, In a watch-house been lodged for the night? In a morning at Bow-street made one Of a group just to bother sage Birnie? Stood the racket, got fined, cut and run, Being fleeced by the watch and attorney? Or say, have you dined in Guildhall With the mayor and his corporate souls? Or been squeezed at a grand civic ball, With dealers in tallow and coals? Mere nothings are these, though the range Through all we have noticed you've been, When compared to the famed Stock Exchange, That riotous gambling scene.
The unexpected Legacy—Bernard Blackmantle and Bob Transit visit Capel Court—Characters in the Stocks—Bulls, Bears and Bawds, Brokers, Jews and Jobbers—A new Acquaintance, Peter Principal—His Account of the Market—The Royal Exchange—Tricks upon Travellers—Slating a Stranger—The Hebrew Star and his Satellites—Dividend Hunters and Paragraph Writers—The New Bubble Companies—Project Extraordinary—Prospectus in Rhyme of the Life, Death, Burial, and Resurrection Company—Lingual Localisms of the Stock Exchange explained—The Art and Mystery of Jobbing exposed—Anecdotes of the House and its Members—Flying a Tile—Billy Wright's Brown Pony—Selling a Twister—A Peep into Botany Bay—Flats and Flat-catchers—The Rotunda and the Transfer Men—How to work the Telegraph—Create a Rise— Put on the Pot—Bang down the Market—And waddle out a Lame Duck.
A bequest of five hundred pounds by codicil from a rich old aunt had most unexpectedly fallen to my friend Transit, who, quite unprepared for such an overwhelming increase of good fortune, was pondering on the best means of applying this sudden acquisition of capital, when I accidentally paid him a visit in Half-moon Street. "Give me joy, Bernard," said Bob; "here's a windfall;" thrusting the official notice into my hand; "five hundred pounds from an old female miser, who during her lifetime was never known to dispense five farthings for any generous or charitable purpose; but being about to slip her wind and make a wind-up of her accounts, was kind enough to remember at parting that she had a poor relation, an artist, to whom such a sum might prove serviceable, so just hooked me on to the tail end of her testamentary document and booked me this legacy, before she booked herself inside for the other world. And now, my dear Bernard," continued Bob, "you are a man of the world, one who knows
'What's what, and that's as high As metaphysic wit can fly.'
I am puzzled, actually bewildered what to do with this accumulation of wealth: only consider an eccentric artist with five hundred pounds in his pocket; why it must prove his death-warrant, unless immediate measures are taken to free him from its magical influence. Shall I embark it in some of the new speculations? the Milk company, or the Water company, the Flesh, Fish, or Fowl companies, railways or tunnel-ways, or in short, only put me in the right way, for, at present, I am mightily abroad in that respect." "Then my advice is, that you keep your money at home, or in other words, fund it; unless you wish to be made fun of and laughed at for a milksop, or a bubble merchant, or be taken for one of the Gudgeon family, or a chicken butcher, a member of the Poultry company, where fowl dealing is considered all fair; or become a liveryman of the worshipful company of minors (i.e. miners), where you may be fleeced à la Hayne, by legs, lawyers, bankers and brokers, demireps and contractors'; or, perhaps, you will feel disposed to embark in a new company, of which I have just strung together a prospectus in rhyme: a speculation which has, at least, much of novelty in this country to recommend it, and equally interests all orders of society.
1 It is not surprising, we see, that lawyers, bankers, and brokers are found at the bottom of most of the new schemes. Their profits are certain, whatever the fate of the Gudgeon family. The brokers, in particular, have a fine harvest of it. Their charges being upon the full nominal amount of the shares sold, they get twice as much by transferring a single 100L. share in a speculation, although only 1L. may have been paid on it, as by the purchase or sale of 100L. consols, of which the price is 94L. Or, to make the matter plainer to the uninitiated, suppose an individual wishes to lay out 500L. in the stock-market. If he orders his broker to purchase into the British funds, the latter will buy him about 535L. three per cent, consols; and the brokerage, at one-eighth per cent, will be about 13s. But if the same person desires to invest the same sum in the stock of a new Mine or Rail-road company, which is divided into 100L. shares, on each of which say 1L. is paid, and there is a premium of 1L. (as is the case at this moment with a stock we have in our eye) his broker's account will then stand thus:— Bought 250 shares in the —— Company. First instalment of 1L. paid £250 0 0 Premium L. per share 250 0 0 500 0 0 Brokerage £ per cent, on 25,000L. stock 62 10 0 562 10 0 Which will leave Mr. Adventurer to pay 62L. 10s. to his broker, and to pay 99L. more on each of his 250 shares, when the———company "call" for it! Or, let us reverso the case, and suppose our speculator, having been an original subscriber for 100 shares in the —— company, and having consequently obtained them for nothing, wishes to sell, finding them at a premium of 6s. per share, and either fearing they may go lower, or not being able to pay even the first instalment called for by the directors. If he is an humble tradesman, he is perhaps eager to realise a profit obtained without labour, and hugs him-self at the idea of the hundred crowns and the hundred shillings he shall put into his pocket by this pleasant process. Away he posts to Cornhill, searches out a broker, into whose hands he puts the letter entitling him to the 100 shares, with directions to sell at the current premium. The broker takes a turn round 'Change, finds a customer, and the whole affair is settled in a twinkling, by an entry or two in the broker's memorandum-book, and the drawing of a couple of cheques. Our fortunate speculator, who is anxiously waiting at Batson's the return of his man of business, and spending perhaps 3s. 6d. in bad negus and tough sandwiches, on the strength of his good luck, is then presented with a draft on a banker for 5L. neatly folded up in a small slip of foolscap, containing the following satisfactory particulars:— Sold 100 shares in the———company—nothing paid—prem. 6s. £30 Brokerage, 1/4 per cent, on 10,000L. stock 25 By cheque 5 He stares wildly at this document, utterly speechless, for five minutes, during which the broker, after saying he shall be happy to "do" for him another time, throws a card on the table, and exit. The lucky speculator wanders into 'Change with the account in his hand, and appeals to several Jews to know whether he has not been cheated: some abuse him for the insinuation against so "respectable" a man as Mr.——- the broker; others laugh in his face; and all together hustle him into the street. He goes home richer by 4L.. 16s. 6d. than when he went out, and finds that a wealthy customer, having called three times in his absence to give him a particular order, had just left the shop in a rage, swearing he would no longer encourage so inattentive a tradesman.— Examiner.