FIXING THE BLAME

The almost-King of Verdun, still uncrowned, Wearied of driving, walked the ramparts 'round To see his father, Mr. William Kaiser, Who was to him an Oracle and wiser. "O Sire! Inform me! Tell your first-born son, Who caused the War, and why it was begun? Who slipped the leash, and what was the excuse For turning Europe's rabid War Dogs loose? Did you? Or was it Cousin George, or Nick Who stacked the cards and played the dirty trick? Or was it Joe, or Ferdinand, or Grey Who sawed the bridge and pulled the props away?" "My Son, I swear by all the periscopes And Zeppelins to which I pin my hopes; By all the Ocean Sharks and Bats a-sky, By Gott-in-Himmel! As I hope to die, I'm not to blame! I didn't use the spurs, Or try to overwork Geographers! I fought for Peace, and ne'er defiance hurled, Altho' the Fatherland should rule the world. But here's the truth: a secret I'll disclose! A stranger 'twas who made us come to blows! It happened thus: a mighty Nimrod came From Afric wilds, where he had played the game Until his cudgel bore a hundred nicks, (A record this for all Prodigious Sticks) To Germany. No pussyfoot was his, But there was courage in his Nobel phiz; And in his stride were energy and grace Enough to make the goose-step commonplace. I took him to my Palace, as my guest, And poured libations from the cellar's best, (He was a certified non-drinker—See? So just accord this proper secrecy!) And then arranged to hold a Grand Review Of all my Armies and Reservists too. 'De-lighted!' said my guest, and nothing more, As we reviewed my legions corps by corps; But this blunt comment signified his zeal, And so I mobilized my fleet at Kiel; And on my Royal Yacht, my guest and I Watched the maneuvres as my ships passed by. 'De-lighted, Bill!' the Hardy Hunter shouted— 'With such a fleet I'd have the whole world routed; And with your armies I would soon disperse The Fighting Units of the Universe!' Such praise was pleasing to my ears, altho My Wasps and Devil-fish I didn't show: I deemed it best to meld this 'hundred aces' When all my ships and men were in their places. Had he seen these, I knew he would advise The conquest of the Earth and Seas and Skies: But, Shades of Bismarck! that, you understand Might prove a strain upon the Fatherland. And so I kept the Peace, but thought about The many martial plans we figured out; And how the cost of my Frontier Defences Compared with his proposed campaign expenses. You see, Mein Heir, this man was full of guile And caused the War: this Bey of Oyster Isle. He hypnotized me: put it in my mind To be the Potentate of all Mankind! So blame me not! The fault I must disown, And put the guilt on Theodore alone! Whatever comes anon, I'm not whipped yet! And with it all, I have but one regret— That he was not impressed to lead my drive To Petersburg to take the Czar alive; And then, a Marshal, ordered to Paree To capture it and bring it back to me; Then take my fleet, the English Channel over And put King George to rout and bombard Dover; And then supplant the Sultan, take his Fez And lead my peerless Forces to Suez. While you have failed, and Hindenburg and Mack, He never fizzles when he makes attack. See what I've missed! for, see what he has done! And yet his vast campaign is just begun. He leads his Legions, Bull Moose, Calf and Cow To capture a Convention even now." An orderly approached the Royal Pair Just at this stage and left despatches there. He stood at close attention, hand to head, While this absorbing cablegram was read— "Outflanked and captured; resignation tendered; Mooses dehorned and all the herd surrendered! Am looking for another job already,— Would take the German Presidency—Teddy." The Kaiser turned, looked at the Prince and wept, While noxious gases o'er the bulwarks crept.